eMpTy Minds Radio #557

EMR or eMpTy Minds Radio is your all out assault on stupidity and bullshit. Always interesting, informative and funny. Never too political. We are here to make things right. To set the record straight. Welcome to the show, new listener and regulars. Thanks for listening. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR SO-CAL CALL-IN: THE COLONEL
YOUR HAPPY BASTARD: JERRY
YOUR BEN’S CORNER: BENI

Ain’t found a way to kill me yet.
_My eyes burn with stinging
_sweat. Seems every path leads
_me to nowhere. Wife and kids,
_household pet. Seems army
_green was no safe bet. The
_bullets scream to me from some-
_where. Here, they come to snuff
_the rooster, ah yeah. Yeah, here
_come the rooster. You know he
_ain’t gonna die…

EM NEWS
– Cow Pee Pee
– Don’t Worry Jesus Has The Painting
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Cinema PaulieDiso RULEZ!!
– MacDonald, Christie, Mack
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
An all new Top Ten List
– We talk to The Colonel (from his current SoCal locale)
– Demotivational Posters (pics on our FB pages)
– The Super Summer Saucin’ Smackdown – The Finale
– Jerry’s Happy Note
– Plenty of Odd US Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!>

eMpTy Minds Radio #556

EMR or eMpTy Minds Radio is your all out assault on stupidity and bullshit. Always interesting, informative and funny. Never too political. We are here to make things right. To set the record straight. Welcome to the show, new listener and regulars. Thanks for listening. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR SO-CAL CALL-IN: THE COLONEL
YOUR ANALOG KID: JERRY
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: 6/8 NATE

I remember it as plain as day, 
_although it happened in the
_dark of the night. I was strolling
_through the streets of Paris and
_it was cold; it was starting to rain.
_And then I heard a piercing
_scream and I rushed to the scene
_of the crime. But all I found was
_the butchered remains of two
_girls lay side by side. Murders in
_the rue morgue, someone call the
_gendarmes. Murders in the rue
_morgue, vite before the killers go
_free. Murders in the rue morgue.
_Murders in the rue morgue

EM NEWS
– The Root of Heron Is Hero
– Put Your Banana In The Hole
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Cinema PaulieDiso is coming for you
– Williams, Malone, Sanchez
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
An all new Top Ten List
– We talk to The Colonel (from his current SoCal locale)
– The EMR 60s Action Figures Quiz
– The Super Summer Saucin’ Smackdown – Semi-Finals Week 2
– Analog Head-Trip
– Plenty of Odd US Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!>

eMpTy Minds Radio #555

EMR or eMpTy Minds Radio is your all out assault on stupidity and bullshit. Always interesting, informative and funny. Never too political. We are here to make things right. To set the record straight. Welcome to the show, new listener and regulars. Thanks for listening. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR SO-CAL CALL-IN: THE COLONEL
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI
YOUR BEN’S CORNER: BEN

After working all day, I head to
_the bar. My friends are all there,
_and oh how witty they are. We
_talk of the events of the day,
_until we invariably say — “How
_dare you treat us this way!” This
_is the worst beer that I’ve ever
_had. The worst beer that I’ve
_ever had. It’s so abominably bad,
_it would make a gay man sad. It’s
_the worst beer that I’ve ever had.
_The worst beer that I’ve ever had.
_By the holy dad, are you congen-
_itally mad? This is the worst beer
_that I’ve ever had…

EM NEWS
– Childhood Dreams Dashed During Tasteless Interview
– Holy Cheeseballs & Beefcakes, You Can’t Make This Shit Up!
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Cinema PaulieDiso is semi-automatic
– Leno, Campbell, Starr
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
An all new Top Ten List
– We talk to The Colonel (from his current SoCal locale)
– Fucked Up Books We Wish Were Real (pics on our FB pages)
– The Super Summer Saucin’ Smackdown – Week 11
– Plenty of Odd US Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!>

eMpTy Minds Radio #554

EMR or eMpTy Minds Radio is your all out assault on stupidity and bullshit. Always interesting, informative and funny. Never too political. We are here to make things right. To set the record straight. Welcome to the show, new listener and regulars. Thanks for listening. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR ANALOG KID: JERRY
YOUR SO-CAL CALL-IN: THE COLONEL
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI

You can’t touch this. You can’t
_touch this. My, my, my…you
_can’t touch this. Music hits me
_so hard, makes me say ‘oh my
_lord!’ Thank you for blessing me
_with a mind to rhyme and two
_hyped feet. It feels good when
_you know you’re down. A super
_dope homeboy from the Oak-
_town. And I’m known as such,
_and this is a beat, uh, you can’t
_touch. I told you homeboy, you
_can’t touch this…

EM NEWS
– The Thrill of A Lifetime
– The Best Intentions, The Worst Outcomes
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Cinema PaulieDiso is all about comparison
– Gorman, Everly, Watts
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
An all new Top Ten List
– We talk to The Colonel (from his current SoCal locale)
– The Stupid Tough EMR TV Show Quiz
– Analog Head-Trip
– Plenty of US Odd Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!>

eMpTy Minds Radio #553

EMR or eMpTy Minds Radio is your all out assault on stupidity and bullshit. Always interesting, informative and funny. Never too political. We are here to make things right. To set the record straight. Welcome to the show, new listener and regulars. Thanks for listening. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR SO-CAL CALL-IN: THE COLONEL

Hangman, hangman, hold it a
_little while. Think I see my
_friends coming, riding a many
_mile. Friends did you get some
_silver? Did you get a little gold?
_What did you bring me, my dear
_friends, to keep me from the
_gallow’s pole? What did you bring
_me to keep me from the gallow’s
_pole?

EM NEWS
– Some of These Fucking Americans
– The World’s Most Illegible Hold-Up Man
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Cinema PaulieDiso is all by the numbers
– Craig, Ramsay, Streisand
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
An all new Top Ten List
– We talk to The Colonel (from his current SoCal locale)
– Plenty of US Odd Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!>

eMpTy Minds Radio #552

EMR or eMpTy Minds Radio is your all out assault on stupidity and bullshit. Always interesting, informative and funny. Never too political. We are here to make things right. To set the record straight. Welcome to the show, new listener and regulars. Thanks for listening. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR ANALOG KID: JERRY
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI
YOUR SO-CAL CALL-IN: THE COLONEL
YOUR BEN’S CORNER: BENI
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: 6/8 NATE

I know a weenie man, he owns
_a weenie stand. He sells almost
_everything from a hot dog to
_buns, buns, buns. Someday I’ll
_join his life, I’ll be his weenie
_wife. Hot dog! I love that wee-
_nie man! Weenie, weenie, wee-
_nie on a bun, bun, bun. Pass the
_mustard and the relish too. Wee-
_nie, weenie, weenie on a bun,
_bun, bun. Pass the mustard and
_the ketchup too. Weenie, wee-
_nie, weenie on a bun, bun,
_bun..
.

EM NEWS
– Open Wide
– Airborne Antics
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Cinema PaulieDiso is creepy as fuck
– Margera, Couffer, O’Brien
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
An all new Top Ten List
– More of the fantastic Initials Game
– The Super Summer Saucin’ Smackdown – Week Nine
– Analog Head-Trip
– We talk to The Colonel (from his current SoCal locale)
– Plenty of US Odd Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!>

eMpTy Minds Radio #551

EMR or eMpTy Minds Radio is your all out assault on stupidity and bullshit. Always interesting, informative and funny. Never too political. We are here to make things right. To set the record straight. Welcome to the show, new listener and regulars. Thanks for listening. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR SO-CAL CALL-IN: THE COLONEL
YOUR BEN’S CORNER: BENI

It’s just a habit when I reach to
_the packet for my last cigar-
_ette until the day breaks. Then
_my hand shakes. But, but, but,
_but, but, but…It’s just driving
_me insane. When the smoke
_gets in my brain, I can’t resist
_it. Wallow in that ash bath,
_soaking up the fumes. And see
_the nicotine stain start to spread.
_Start to spread..
.

EM NEWS
– Owl’s Fair In Love & War
– I Almost Did Die
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Cinema PaulieDiso is feeling punchy
– Bennett, Gaga, Nasatir
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
An all new Top Ten List
– EMR Presents 2021 New Minnesota State Fair Foods
– The Super Summer Saucin’ Smackdown – Week Eight
– We talk to The Colonel (from his current SoCal locale)
– Plenty of US Odd Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!>

eMpTy Minds Radio #550

EMR or eMpTy Minds Radio is your all out assault on stupidity and bullshit. Always interesting, informative and funny. Never too political. We are here to make things right. To set the record straight. Welcome to the show, new listener and regulars. Thanks for listening. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR ANALOG KID: JERRY
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI
YOUR SO-CAL CALL-IN: THE COLONEL
YOUR BEN’S CORNER: BENI

Get out on the highway, headin’
_down a mile away. Passin’ every-
_thing in sight, I push it to the
_max. Gettin’ ready to relax.
_‘Cause it’s gonna be a Saturday
_night. I know a place just over
_the hill — if you want to have a
_good time, you will. Way down
_south, just across the border.
_Way down  south, don’t need no
_law and order. Way down south..
.

EM NEWS
– Bin There, Done That
– There’s Monsters Under My Bed
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Cinema PaulieDiso loses its soul
– Aiello, Davidson, Damon
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
An all new Top Ten List
– The EMR Whistleblower’s Quiz
– The Super Summer Saucin’ Smackdown – Week Seven
– We talk to The Colonel (from his current SoCal locale)
– Analog Head-Trip (National Record Store Day Edition)
– Plenty of US Odd Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!>

eMpTy Minds Radio #549

EMR or eMpTy Minds Radio is your all out assault on stupidity and bullshit. Always interesting, informative and funny. Never too political. We are here to make things right. To set the record straight. Welcome to the show, new listener and regulars. Thanks for listening. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI
YOUR SO-CAL CALL-IN: THE COLONEL
YOUR BEN’S CORNER: BENI

There’s a neighborhood called
_Blackhawk where all the rich
_people hide. I was down on my
_luck, working for the Salvation
_Army, the shelter is where I
_reside. Every day we drive into
_Blackhawk and we pick up the
_offerings. Microwave, refrigerator
_for the suffering. Come on baby,
_won’t you show me what you’ve
_got? I want your Salvation..
.

EM NEWS
– Reading All of The Words Is Hard Sometimes
– Cheesy Inventions
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Cinema PaulieDiso is a star
– Geffen, Johnson, Longworth
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
An all new Top Ten List
– The EMR Guinness Records Quiz
– The Super Summer Saucin’ Smackdown – Week Six
– We talk to The Colonel (from his current SoCal locale)
– Plenty of US Odd Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!>

eMpTy Minds Radio #548

EMR or eMpTy Minds Radio is your all out assault on stupidity and bullshit. Always interesting, informative and funny. Never too political. We are here to make things right. To set the record straight. Welcome to the show, new listener and regulars. Thanks for listening. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR HAPPY BASTARD: JERRY
YOUR SO-CAL CALL-IN: THE COLONEL
YOUR BEN’S CORNER: BENI

The roof is on fire. She wet like
_Barbara Streisand. Police every-
_where. It’s like a nigga killed a
_white man. I just wanna find a
_baby mamma ‘fore the night
_end. Them stars falling, don’t
_chase ’em. The sky’s falling,
_baby. Drop that ass ‘fore it
_crash. The sky’s falling, baby

EM NEWS
– Cannuck Go Home
– Snap, Popple & Crack
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Cinema PaulieDiso swears he heard something
– Smoove, Trejo, Robinson
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
An all new Top Ten List
– The Super Summer Summer Quiz
– The Super Summer Saucin’ Smackdown – Week Five
– We talk to The Colonel (from his current SoCal locale)
– Plenty of US Odd Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!>

eMpTy Minds Radio #547

EMR or eMpTy Minds Radio is your all out assault on stupidity and bullshit. Always interesting, informative and funny. Never too political. We are here to make things right. To set the record straight. Welcome to the show, new listener and regulars. Thanks for listening. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR HAPPY BASTARD: JERRY
YOUR AQUATIC FRIEND: CLAMBOY
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI
YOUR BEN’S CORNER: BENI
YOUR SPECIAL GUEST: THE COLONEL

Here come the mine cars and
_it’s damn near dawn. Another
_shift of men, some of them my
_friends, comin’ on. Hard to
_imagine workin’ in the mines.
_Coal dust in your lungs, on your
_skin and on your mind. I’ve lis-
_tened to the speeches, but it
_occurred to me that politicians
_don’t understand. The thoughts
_of isolation — ain’t no sunshine
_underground. It’s like workin’ in
_a graveyard three miles down…

EM NEWS
– Shitty New Inventions
– Gotta Get That Fast Food
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Cinema PaulieDiso stick-em-up
– Millard, Cuoco, Gainsborough
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
An all new Top Ten List
– The Initials Game
– The Super Summer Saucin’ Smackdown – Week Four
– We chit-chat with The Colonel (live in studio)
– Jerry’s Happy Note
– Stupid Shit The Colonel Did When He Was Just A Kid
– Plenty of US Odd Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #546

EMR or eMpTy Minds Radio is your all out assault on stupidity and bullshit. Always interesting, informative and funny. Never too political. We are here to make things right. To set the record straight. Welcome to the show, new listener and regulars. Thanks for listening. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR HAPPY BASTARD: JERRY
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI
YOUR BEN’S CORNER: BENI

Well I left Kentucky back in ’49
_an’ went to Detroit workin’ on
_a ‘ssembly line. The first year
_they had me puttin’ wheels on
_Cadillacs. Every day I’d watch
_them beauties roll by and some-
_times I’d hang my head and cry
_’cause I always wanted me one
_that was long and black…

EM NEWS
– Digging Deeper & Deeper & Deeper Into Stupidity
– Sucky Artist
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Cinema PaulieDiso peruses its bounty
– Lithgow, Schreiber, Tarantino
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
An all new Top Ten List
– The EMR Super Duper 4th of July and/or Fireworks Quiz
– The Super Summer Saucin’ Smackdown – Week Three
– Plenty of US Odd Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #545

EMR or eMpTy Minds Radio is your all out assault on stupidity and bullshit. Always interesting, informative and funny. Never too political. We are here to make things right. To set the record straight. Welcome to the show, new listener and regulars. Thanks for listening. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI
YOUR BEN’S CORNER: BENI

When everything goes wrong;
_when life goes wrong, try for a
_little French song. French
_songs are maybe old-fashioned,
_but so sweet to hum. French
_songs are tender, endlessly no-
_stalgic. And when we no longer
_know where to belong, try for a
_little French song. French songs
_will take you to Paris or Pigalle
_or Llle Saint-Louis. French songs
_are dancing in the rain from
_Bastille to Tulleries. Because we
_have something to show off…

EM NEWS
– All Aboard!
– Stumbling Upon An Angel
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Cinema PaulieDiso takes a risk
– Spielberg, Grohl, Herriman
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
An all new Top Ten List
– The Initials Game returns
– PsychoGrams
– The Super Summer Saucin’ Smackdown – Week Two
– Plenty of US Odd Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #544

EMR or eMpTy Minds Radio is your all out assault on stupidity and bullshit. Always interesting, informative and funny. Never too political. We are here to make things right. To set the record straight. Welcome to the show, new listener and regulars. Thanks for listening. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR HAPPY BASTARD: JERRY
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI
YOUR SO-CAL UPDATE: THE COLONEL
YOUR BEN’S CORNER: BENI
YOUR SPECIAL GUEST: CLAMBOY

I’ve got your picture, of me and
_you. You wrote “I love you.” I
_wrote “me too.” I sit there staring
_and there’s nothing else to do.
_Oh, it’s in color – your hair is
_brown. Your eyes are hazel and
_soft as clouds. I often kiss you
_when there’s no one else around.
_I’ve got your picture. I’ve got your
_picture. I’d like a million of you
_all ’round my cell. I want the
_doctor to take your picture, so I
_can look at you from inside as
_well. You’ve got me turning up
_and turning down. I’m turning in
_and turning ’round. I think I’m
_turning Japanese…

EM NEWS
– Look Out! Here Comes The Spider-Fam
– Poking Sleeping Bears
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Cinema PaulieDiso w/ a Clam assist
– Cornell, King, McKellen
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
An all new Top Ten List
– The Colonel (on the line from SoCal)
– The EMR Benchmark (we didn’t say Criterion) Quiz
– Jerry’s Happy Note
– We start The Super Summer Saucin’ Smackdown
– Plenty of Odd Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio (EMR) #543

EMR or eMpTy Minds Radio is your all out assault on stupidity and bullshit. Always interesting, informative and funny. Never too political. We are here to make things right. To set the record straight. Welcome to the show, new listener and regulars. Thanks for listening. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: 6/8 NATE
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI
YOUR SO-CAL UPDATE: THE COLONEL
YOUR BEN’S CORNER: BENI

Took a flight out of Japan and I
_met a Russian model. One week
_straight, we popping bottles…
_passing out in hotel lobbies.
_She told me she likes to dance, I
_said “We should go to France.”
_Said “I’m sure we’ll meet again.
_Hit me when you land in London.
_We don’t need to see the city,
_seen that all before. Maids best
_not disturb, put the sign outside
_the door. We just topped a bottle,
_I can see that you want more.
_Texts from my ex, yeah, it’s a
_quarter past four…

EM NEWS
– Canine Uber
– Antique Meth Show
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Cinema PaulieDiso is unraveling
– Williams, Strummer, Cook
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
An all new Top Ten List
– We did NOT speak to The Colonel tonight
– Back Rockwards!
– Plenty of Odd Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #542

EMR or eMpTy Minds Radio is your all out assault on stupidity and bullshit. Always interesting, informative and funny. Never too political. We are here to make things right. To set the record straight. Welcome to the show, new listener and regulars. Thanks for listening. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR HAPPY BASTARD: JERRY
YOUR SO-CAL UPDATE: THE COLONEL
YOUR BEN’S CORNER: BENI

…she was tall, thin and tarty, and
_she drove a Maserati. Faster than
_sound, I was heaven bound.
_Although I must have looked a
_creep in my army surplus jeep.
_Was I being too bold? Before the
_night could get old…no, no, no,
_no, no. She proved me so wrong.
_Oh…the Italian girls sometimes
_hold their religious habits in front
_of your eyes, just to get you tied…

EM NEWS
– I Like The Color of Your Mouth
– An Act of Musical Kindness
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Cinema PaulieDiso movie of mystery
– Dylan, Spacey, Biden
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
An all new Top Ten List
– We speak with The Colonel from LA
– More Shower Thoughts
– Jerry’s Happy Note – McDonald’s Autism
– Plenty of Odd Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #541

EMR or eMpTy Minds Radio is your all out assault on stupidity and bullshit. Always interesting, informative and funny. Never too political. We are here to make things right. To set the record straight. Welcome to the show, new listener and regulars. Thanks for listening. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: 6/8 NATE
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI
YOUR SO-CAL UPDATE: THE COLONEL
YOUR BEN’S CORNER: BENI

Someone that you half imagine
_comes alive in a smoky room.
_Hungry eyes, alibis, are trained on
_you. Hieroglyphics on the ceiling
_hint at secret sins. Rumors slipping
_out the doorway, revealing passions
_deep within. Someone wants to
_take you to The Alibi Room. Some-
_one wants to take you to The Alibi
_Room. Someone wants to break
_you in The Alibi Room. Hungry
_eyes and alibis are waiting in The
_Alibi Room. Hungry eyes and alibis
_are waiting in The Alibi Room.

EM NEWS
– The Sky Is Falling! The Sky Is Falling!
– Pool Party Crashers
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Cinema PaulieDiso presents a triple feature
– Reedus, Mustaine, Trebek
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
An all new Top Ten List
– We speak with The Colonel from LA
– It’s Back! The Initial Game
– Plenty of Odd Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #540

EMR or eMpTy Minds Radio is your all out assault on stupidity and bullshit. Always interesting, informative and funny. Never too political. We are here to make things right. To set the record straight. Welcome to the show, new listener and regulars. Thanks for listening. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR HAPPY BASTARD: JERRY
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI
YOUR SO-CAL UPDATE: THE COLONEL
YOUR BEN’S CORNER: BENI

Aloha! And welcome to the natural
_beauty, wonder & adventure of our
_islands. Every day the gentle rain
_paints our landscapes with lush
_vegetation and a colorful variety of
_exotic flowers. Their alluring beauty
_and intoxicating fragrance fill our
_island paradise with enchantment.
_No less enchanting are the many
_varieties of brilliantly colored
_tropical birds that entertain with
_delightful song. This incredible
_bounty of natural beauty was born
_of the blending of rich volcanic soil
_with the warm tropical climate.
_Among our tasty treasures are flavor-
_ful fruits, such as: bananas, mangos,
_papayas, and of course – the pine-
_apple.

EM NEWS
– Zombie Brains From Down Under
– Archaeologists Discover Their Hard On
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Cinema PaulieDiso is pressing charges
– Van Dyke, Stone, Grodin
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
An all new Top Ten List
– We speak with The Colonel from LA
– The Great EMR TV Spinoff Game
– Plenty of Odd Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #539

EMR or eMpTy Minds Radio is your all out assault on stupidity and bullshit. Always interesting, informative and funny. Never too political. We are here to make things right. To set the record straight. Welcome to the show, new listener and regulars. This is episode #539. Thanks for listening. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI
YOUR SO-CAL UPDATE: THE COLONEL
YOUR BEN’S CORNER: BENI

Most people live on a lonely island,
_lost in the middle of a foggy sea.
_Most people long for another
_island, one where they know they
_would like to be. Bali Hai may
_call you. Any night, any day. In
_your heart you’ll hear it call
_you — come away, come away.
_Bali Hai will whisper on the wind
_of the sea — here am I, your
_special island. Come to me, come
_to me. Your own special hopes,
_your own special dreams loom on
_the hillside and shine in the streams.
_If you try, you will find me where
_the sky meets the sea. Here am I,
_your special island. Come to me.
_Come to me.

EM NEWS
– Easy As Pasta
– That’s A Bit Rough
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Cinema PaulieDiso gets shaken down
– Norton, Lloyd, DiCaprio
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
An all new Top Ten List
– We speak with The Colonel from LA
– Too Close For Comfort – The EMR Photo Game (images on our FB pages)
– Plenty of Odd Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #538

EMR or eMpTy Minds Radio is your all out assault on stupidity and bullshit. Always interesting, informative and funny. Never too political. We are here to make things right. To set the record straight. Welcome to the show, new listener and regulars. This is episode #538. Thanks for listening. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR HAPPY BASTARD: JERRY
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI
YOUR SO-CAL UPDATE: THE COLONEL
YOUR BEN’S CORNER: BENI

I would like to see Samoa of Samoa
_where the hoopu, the nooku and
_maybe the upu waha too. I would
_like to write a song about Samoa
_with aloha to rhyme it and picture
_it, the climate drifting by. In all
_my dreams, I see a vision of the
_moonlit tropical shore and a
_maiden Polynesian. You can
_wick that wack by her little grass
_shack. with her hair so black
_hanging down her back. I would
_like to see Samoa of Samoa, and
_I would go there tomorrow if only
_I knew just where it was. In all
_my dreams, I see a vision of the
_moonlit tropical shore…

EM NEWS
– Ditzy Early Retirement Plan
– There Was An Old Woman Who Lived In A Shoe…
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Cinema PaulieDiso gets down & dirty
– Springsteen, O’Brien, Koons
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
An all new Top Ten List
– We speak with The Colonel from LA
– The Initials Game is back
– Jerry’s Happy Note
– Plenty of Odd Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #537

EMR or eMpTy Minds Radio is your all out assault on stupidity and bullshit. Always interesting, informative and funny. Never too political. We are here to make things right. To set the record straight. Welcome to the show, new listener and regulars. This is episode #537. Thanks for listening. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR HAPPY BASTARD: JERRY
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI
YOUR SO-CAL UPDATE: THE COLONEL
YOUR BEN’S CORNER: BENI

She’s movin’ like more than the airs
_is glistenin’. Testin’ your ate in the
_delirium. Sounding fate, booming
_all over your eminence. Skin on
_skin again. Put it all, get it all, get
_in then. Ladies and gentlemen,
_misters and mistresses or entrants
_and simil men. There it is —
_boogieman…

EM NEWS
– Would The Real Josh Swain Please Stand Up?
– Skinny-Dipping In The Sky
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Cinema PaulieDiso takes a snapshot
– DiCaprio, Schmitt, Grohl
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
An all new Top Ten List
– We speak with The Colonel from LA
– Film Gimmicks
– Jerry’s Happy Note
– Paulie has a Fuck Off! rant
– Plenty of Odd Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #536

EMR or eMpTy Minds Radio is your all out assault on stupidity and bullshit. Always interesting, informative and funny. Never too political. We are here to make things right. To set the record straight. Welcome to the show, new listener and regulars. This is episode #536. Thanks for listening. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR SO-CAL UPDATE: THE COLONEL

If you go away on this summer day,
_then you might as well take the sun
_away. All the birds that flew in a 
_summer sky when our love was new
_and our hearts were high. When the
_
day was young and the night was
_long and the moon stood still for the
_night bird’s song. If you go away. If
_you go away. If you go away. But if
_you stay, I’ll make you a day like no
_day has been or will be again. We’ll
_sail on the sun. We’ll ride on the
_rain. We’ll talk to the trees and
_worship the wind. Then if you go,
_I’ll understand. Leave me just
_enough love to fill up my hand. If
_you go away. If you go away. If you
_go away. But if you go, I won’t
_cry for the good’s gone from good-
_bye. If you go away…

EM NEWS
– The Beast Among The Lilacs
– A Tunnel of Unknown Origin
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Cinema PaulieDiso is very contemporary
– Steinman, Becket, Elam
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
An all new Top Ten List
– We speak with The Colonel from LA…for the WHOLE show
– The Minnesota Quiz
– Plenty of Odd Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #535

EMR or eMpTy Minds Radio is your all out assault on stupidity and bullshit. Always interesting, informative and funny. Never too political. We are here to make things right. To set the record straight. Welcome to the show, new listener and regulars. This is episode #535. Thanks for listening. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: MARTHA
YOUR HAPPY BASTARD: JERRY
YOUR SO-CAL UPDATE: THE COLONEL

Make you thought, eat ham hocks,
_tuna out the garbage. Blind your
_range with tones, your radio sounds
_strange. Eat out your rear bag, 
_snatch ribs out your wild coyote.
_
Tell Bob to pay me, the company
_boss still owe me. But capitol
_built walls, built fences. I come for
_my check, don’t lower your defenses.
_Get off my elevator!

EM NEWS
– Astro Beef
– Accepted…Accepted…AND Accepted!
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Cinema PaulieDiso sees double
– Colbert, Johnson, Aaker
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
An all new Top Ten List
– We speak with The Colonel from LA
– Jerry’s Happy Note
– The EMR Mixed Bag Trivia Thing
– Plenty of Odd Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #534

EMR or eMpTy Minds Radio is your all out assault on stupidity and bullshit. Always interesting, informative and funny. Never too political. We are here to make things right. To set the record straight. Welcome to the show, new listener and regulars. This is episode #534. Thanks for listening. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI
YOUR HAPPY BASTARD: JERRY
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: BENI
YOUR SO-CAL UPDATE: THE COLONEL

I didn’t know what time it was
_until the sun went down. Detroit
_Michigan, on the bus downtown.
_Last night I was fighting on the
_street. But tonight I have a girl
_next to me. In this cold world,
_she brings me heat. I’ve got a
_good feeling about a bad city
_tonight. I’ve got a good feeling
_everything’s gonna be alright…


EM NEWS
– Walking On Fire & Water
– Spa Day Gone Wrong
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Cinema PaulieDiso takes flight
– Grohl, Ritter, Rodgers
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
An all new Top Ten List
– We speak with The Colonel from LA
– Jerry’s Happy Note
– The Initials Game
– Plenty of Odd Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #533

EMR or eMpTy Minds Radio is your all out assault on stupidity and bullshit. Always interesting, informative and funny. Never too political. We are here to make things right. To set the record straight. Welcome to the show, new listener and regulars. This is episode #533. Thanks for listening. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: BENI
YOUR SO-CAL UPDATE: THE COLONEL

With your feet on the air and 
_your head on the ground, try

_this trick and spin it, yeah. 
_Your head will collapse, but 
_there’s nothing in it. And you’ll
_ask yourself, where is my mind?
_Where is my mind? Way out in
_the water. See it swimming.

EM NEWS
– Untraditional Final Paycheck
– Nobody Move
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Cinema PaulieDiso takes someone’s place
– Burt, Martin, Spector
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
An all new Top Ten List
– We speak with The Colonel from LA
– The Initials Game
– Plenty of Odd Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #532

EMR or eMpTy Minds Radio is your all out assault on stupidity and bullshit. Always interesting, informative and funny. Never too political. We are here to make things right. To set the record straight. Welcome to the show, new listener and regulars. This is episode #532. Thanks for listening. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR HAPPY BASTARD: JERRY
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: MARTHA
YOUR SO-CAL UPDATE: THE COLONEL

I was one of those hicks who
_came here from the sticks. 

_Trying to find that kind of fame
_that Broadway stands for. I was
_one of those fools who dreamed
_of riches and jewels. Now, I am
_awake. Find my mistake. I’ll
_get a break. Broadway’s a fake.
_
I work in a speak that’s dim and
_dingy. Where standers are pre-
_tenders, cheap and stingy. All
_I smell is rotten Scotch & Ginger.
_Cigarettes…cigars!


EM NEWS
– Cinnamon Shrimp Crunch!
– Arizona Scientists Are Lunary Toons
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Cinema PaulieDiso takes a journey
– Thurston, Segal, Peters
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
An all new Top Ten List
– We speak with The Colonel from LA
– The Initials Game
– Jerry’s Happy Note
– Plenty of Odd Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #531

EMR or eMpTy Minds Radio is your all out assault on stupidity and bullshit. Always interesting, informative and funny. Never too political. We are here to make things right. To set the record straight. Welcome to the show, new listener and regulars. This is episode #531. Thanks for listening. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR HAPPY BASTARD: JERRY
YOUR SO-CAL UPDATE: THE COLONEL

Yeah, she was so pretty she 
_made Charlize Theron look like

_a big fat pig. The only caveat is
_one of her earlobes is just a tiny
_bit too big. I said, hey, are we
_doin’ government work here? No,
_I don’t think we are. You’re close,
_so very, very close. Aww, baby,
_
you’re close, so close, but no
_cigar. Really, really, really close,
_but no cigar.


EM NEWS
– School Bus Mystery Solved
– Mirror In The Bathroom
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Cinema PaulieDiso searches for clone
– Lee, Meirelles, Brown
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
An all new Top Ten List
– We speak with The Colonel from LA
– Board Game Investigations: The Quiz
– Jerry’s Happy Note
– Plenty of Odd Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #530

EMR or eMpTy Minds Radio is your all out assault on stupidity and bullshit. Always interesting, informative and funny. Never too political. We are here to make things right. To set the record straight. Welcome to the show, new listener and regulars. This is episode #530. Thanks for listening. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI
YOUR SO-CAL UPDATE: THE COLONEL
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: BENI

The man with the cigar walked
_on up to where I was workin’

_this mornin’. The man with the
_cigar said I was workin’ too slow,
_and if I didn’t speed it up, he’d
_have to let me go. I’m workin’
_like a dog, so why’s he always
_hangin’ around me to hound me.
_
He’s pushing me too far and
_pretty soon my back is gonna
_break.


EM NEWS
– Massive Tit Fight Breaks Out
– New Wave Camping
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Cinema PaulieDiso may never get home
– Pina, Leone, Mason
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
An all new Top Ten List
– We speak with The Colonel from LA
– One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Seuss
_Quiz
– Plenty of Odd Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #529

EMR or eMpTy Minds Radio is your all out assault on stupidity and bullshit. Always interesting, informative and funny. Never too political. We are here to make things right. To set the record straight. Welcome to the show, new listener and regulars. This is episode #529. Thanks for listening. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR TECHMASTER 5K: JERRY
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI
YOUR SO-CAL UPDATE: THE COLONEL
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: BENI

A small cigar can change the 
_world. I know I’ve done it

_frequently at parties, where 
_I’ve won all the guests atten-
_tion, with my generosity and
_suave gentlemanly bearing.  A
_little flat tin case is all you 
_need. Breast pocket conver-
_
sation opener. And one of those
_ciggie lighters that look rather
_good. You can throw away when
_empty. Must be declared a
_great success.

EM NEWS
– Waxy Dining Patrons
– We’ve Got The Funk
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Cinema PaulieDiso is stuck in the bowl
– Seuss, Jolie, Parnther
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
An all new Top Ten List
– We speak with The Colonel from LA
– EMRs Fake Pulp & Romance Novel Covers (seen on our FB page(s))
– Plenty of Puns o’ The Night
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #528

EMR or eMpTy Minds Radio is your all out assault on stupidity and bullshit. Always interesting, informative and funny. Never too political. We are here to make things right. To set the record straight. Welcome to the show, new listener and regulars. This is episode #528. Thanks for listening. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI
YOUR SO-CAL UPDATE: THE COLONEL
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: BENI

When I grow up, I want to be
_one of the harvesters of the 

_sea. I think before my days are
_done, I want to be a fisherman.
_Four hours up oh the ocean
_swelled and swelled. The fog
_rolled in. It started raining. The
_starboard bow. Oh my God,
_
we’re going down! They do not
_hear his frantic mayday. I want
_to be a fisherman. I’ll live and
_die a fisherman. Calling John
_the fisherman.

EM NEWS
– Don’t Do This At Home, Kids
– The One That Got Away-ay-ay-ay
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Cinema PaulieDiso is all “tied” up
– Bond, Groening, Chaplin
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
An all new Top Ten List
– We speak with The Colonel from LA
– Ahoy! It’s The EMR Yacht Rock Super Quiz
– Plenty of Puns o’ The Night
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #527

EMR or eMpTy Minds Radio is your all out assault on stupidity and bullshit. Always interesting, informative and funny. Never too political. We are here to make things right. To set the record straight. Welcome to the show, new listener and regulars. Thanks for listening. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR ANALOG KID: JERRY
YOUR EM NEWS GUEST: MARTHA
YOUR SO-CAL UPDATE: THE COLONEL
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: BENI

Johnny Grotto was a fisherman’s
_son. Johnny Grotto was a fisher-

_man’s son. When he set out to 
_sea, he had one thing in mind. 
_He wanted to see how much fish
_he could find. It was late in the
_evening when fish start to bite.
_Just before dark, when fish start
_
to bite. When the fishing was
_good, he was feeling alright. Said
_the fishing was good; he was
_feeling alright. And the night was
_so bright that a star was in sight.
_Said the night was so bright that
_a star was in sight. He catch so
_much fish that he stayed out all
_night…

EM NEWS
– With This Ring I Do Wed…Someone Else
– Artificial Life On The Highway
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Cinema PaulieDiso is struggling
– Sandler, Pennock, Hasel
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
An all new Top Ten List
– We speak with The Colonel from LA
– The EMR TV Theme Song Game
– Jerry’s Happy Note
– Plenty of Puns o’ The Night
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #526

EMR or eMpTy Minds Radio is your all out assault on stupidity and bullshit. Always interesting, informative and funny. Never too political. We are here to make things right. To set the record straight. Welcome to the show, new listener and regulars. Thanks for listening. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR ANALOG KID: JERRY
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI
YOUR SO-CAL UPDATE: THE COLONEL
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: BENI

Got a whale of a tale to tell you, 
_lads. A whale of a tale or two. ‘Bout 

_the flappin’ fish and the girls I’ve 
_loved. On nights like this, with the
_moon above, a whale of a tale and
_it’s all true, I swear by my tattoo.
_There was Mermaid Minnie, met  
_her down in Madagascar. She would
_
kiss me any time that I would ask
_her. Then one evening, her flame
_of love blew out. Blow me down
_and pick me up. She swapped me
_for a trout. Got a whale of a tale
_to tell you, lads…

EM NEWS
– An Experiment Gone Wrong
– Getting Natural In Nature
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Cinema PaulieDiso was not man one or man two…
– Kassell, Wilson, Richards
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
An all new Top Ten List
– We speak with The Colonel from LA
– The EMR Mixed Up As Fuck Quiz
– A special Techin’ It Up The Ass
– Plenty of Wright’s of The Night
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #525

EMR or eMpTy Minds Radio is your all out assault on stupidity and bullshit. Always interesting, informative and funny. Never too political. We are here to make things right. To set the record straight. Happy February. Welcome. Thanks for listening. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE 
YOUR ANALOG KID: JERRY
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI
YOUR SO-CAL UPDATE: THE COLONEL
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: BENI

Who will have a fishy on a little dishy?
_Who will have a fishy when the boat

_comes? And then he says “With our
_glasses both raised in a toast, let’s
_sing for those in peril on the sea. Who
_cater ceaselessly to thy every wish 
_with every fish as fresh as fish can be. 
_You see, I’m into my oysters, my king
_
prawns and caviar. No matter how far
_away they are, I’ll be there!” And then
_she says “With our glasses both raised
_in this toast, let’s sing for those in
_peril on the sea. Who labor tirelessly
_in their little boats…

EM NEWS
– Unconventional Savings Plan
– The Prickly Bandit Gets Pricked
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Cinema PaulieDiso is defending its honor
– Grammer, Dennings, Holbrook
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
An all new Top Ten List
– We speak with The Colonel from LA
– Which of These Doesn’t Belong Quiz: Volume III
– An all new Analog Head-Trip
– Plenty of Puns O’ The Night
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #524

EMR or eMpTy Minds Radio is your all out assault on stupidity and bullshit. Always interesting, informative and funny. Never too political. We are here to make things right. To set the record straight. Welcome. Thanks for listening. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE 
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI
YOUR SO-CAL UPDATE: THE COLONEL
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: BENI

On top of spaghetti, all covered with
_cheese, I lost my poor meatball 

_when somebody sneezed. It rolled
_off the table. It rolled on the floor.
_And then my poor meatball rolled
_out the door. It rolled in the garden
_and under a bush. And then my 
_poor meatball was nothing but mush.
_
The mush was as tasty as tasty can be
_and early next summer, it grew into a
_tree.

EM NEWS
– Oh, Honey, You Shouldn’t Have
– Poopie Cubes
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Cinema PaulieDiso is protecting its turf
– Vargas, King, Leachman
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
An all new Top Ten List
– We speak with The Colonel from LA
– Which of These Doesn’t Belong Quiz: Volume II
– Plenty of Puns O’ The Night
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #523

EMR or eMpTy Minds Radio is your all out assault on stupidity and bullshit. Always interesting, informative and funny. Never too political. We are here to make things right. To set the record straight. This is Episode #523. If it’s half as good as #522, we may have to start charging you to listen. Just sayin’.  Just sayin’…

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE 
YOUR TECHMASTER 5K: JERRY
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI
YOUR SO-CAL UPDATE: THE COLONEL
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: BENI

That was delicious clam dip. Eating
_it made us glad. We know they 

_were minced, but we’re convinced
_that some of them clams were bad.
_Our stomachs hurt. Our bladders 
_are full. We drank too much cham-
_pagne. That was delicious clam dip,
_but some of us got ptomaine. That
_was delicious clam dip…

EM NEWS
– Snowflakes & Sand Dunes
– I Wish I Was A Little Bit Taller
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Cinema PaulieDiso is loving, every minute of it
– Gorman, Iger, Holly
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
An all new Top Ten List
– We speak with The Colonel from LA
– Which of These Doesn’t Belong Quiz
– Techin’ It Up The Ass covers The CES
– Plenty of Odd Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #522

EMR or eMpTy Minds Radio is your all out assault on stupidity and bullshit. Always interesting, informative and funny. Never too political. We are here to make things right. To set the record straight. This is Episode #522. Listen to it. Don’t make us bring Mort Lawry back. No, really…please don’t.

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE 
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI
YOUR SO-CAL UPDATE: THE COLONEL
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: BENI

Sauerkraut. Sauerkraut. Sauerkraut.
_Sauerkraut. Sauerkraut. Sauerkraut.

_Sauerkraut. Sauerkraut. Sauerkraut.
_Sauerkraut. Sauerkraut. Sauerkraut.
_Sauerkraut. Sauerkraut. Sauerkraut.
_Sauerkraut. Sauerkraut. Sauerkraut.
_Sauerkraut. Sauerkraut. Sauerkraut.
_Sauerkraut. Sauerkraut. Sauerkraut.
_Sauerkraut. Sauerkraut. Sauerkraut.”

NEWS
– Do You Know The Sandwich Man?
– Weiner Lovers Wanted
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Cinema PaulieDiso is holding on tight
– Mortensen, Summerville, Gordy
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
An all new Top Ten List
– We speak with The Colonel from LA
– The EMR Forgotten Lands Quiz
– Plenty of Odd Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #521

EMR or eMpTy Minds Radio is your all out assault on stupidity and bullshit. Always interesting, informative and funny. Never too political. We are here to make things right. To set the record straight. We sincerely hope you enjoy all of our many episodes, including this one — number 521. Thanks for checking us out!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE 
YOUR TECHMASTER 5K: JERRY
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI
YOUR SO-CAL UPDATE: THE COLONEL
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: BENI

I got jaws like a bear trap. Teeth
_
like a razor, got a Maytag tongue
_with a sensitive taste. A born in
_Texas, a land of beef. Never 
_cared much for greens. Ya 
_oughta’ heard, I like meat. I’m
_the meat man. Woo, oughta see
_me eat meat now. Whoa, I’m the
_meat man, baby. You oughta see
_me eat meat now.

EM NEWS
– Are You Feeling Tensssssse?
– Up The Creek Without A Paddle…or Clothes
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Cinema PaulieDiso gets reactionary
– Brown, Reynolds, Darby
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
An all new Top Ten List
– We speak with The Colonel from LA
– Celebrity Rhyme Thyme
– Techin’ It Up The Ass – ’21 Predictions
– Plenty of Odd Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #520

EMR or eMpTy Minds Radio is your all out assault on stupidity and bullshit. Always interesting, informative and funny. Never too political. We are here to make things right. To set the record straight. Welcome to the New Year and another year of EMR. Enjoy 520, won’t you?

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE 
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI
YOUR SO-CAL UPDATE: THE COLONEL
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: BEN

I’ve been eatin’ whipped cream,
_
havin’ vivid daydreams of your
_face. And through people on TV
_screens, you’ve been every-
_where. And I wish I didn’t care.
_Oh, you’ve been everywhere.
_I wish, wish I didn’t care, yeah.
_Wish I didn’t. I’ve been eatin’
_whipped cream, havin’ vivid
_daydreams…

EM NEWS
– Squirrel Gone Nuts
– Iron Junk
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Cinema PaulieDiso Year End Review & Awards
– Pohler, Wurwand, Krieger
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
An all new Top Ten List
– We speak with The Colonel from LA
– The Cash In Your Chips Quiz
– Plenty of Odd Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #519 – The Big Christmas Show

EMR or eMpTy Minds Radio is your all out assault on stupidity and bullshit. Always interesting, informative and funny. Never too political. We are here to make things right. To set the record straight. This is the BIG EMR ANNUAL CHRISTMAS SHOW!  A ton of holiday fun is coming your way tonight, including new stuff & traditional EMR Christmas stuff. Don’t miss it, kids!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE 
YOUR TECHMASTER 5K: JERRY
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI
YOUR SO-CAL UPDATE: THE COLONEL
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: BEN
YOUR SPECIAL GUEST: MARTHA

…how lucky that you dropped
_in. So nice and warm. Look
_out the windows at that storm.
_My sister will be suspicious.
_Gosh, your lips look delicious.
_My brother will be there at the
_door. Waves upon a tropical
_shore. My maiden aunt’s mind
_is vicious. Gosh, your lips are
_delicious. Well, maybe just a
_cigarette more. Never such a
_blizzard before. And I don’t
_
even smoke…

EM NEWS
– A Cheesy Traffic Detour
– Snowy Masterpieces
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Cinema PaulieDiso is down and out
– Combs, Rockefeller, Austen
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
An all new Top Ten List
– We speak with The Colonel from LA
– The Colonel plays us Christmas carols on his violin
– The EMR Christmas Rhyme Thyme Game
– Jerry’s 2020 Tech Turkeys
– Tons & tons of new Christmas bits & classic EMR Christmas bits
– Plenty of Xmas Odd Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #518

EMR or eMpTy Minds Radio is your all out assault on stupidity and bullshit. Always interesting, informative and funny. Never too political. We are here to make things right. To set the record straight. Regular listener? Awesome. Occasional listener? Cool.  Have never listened? What the fuck are you waiting for? Just a week until the huge Christmas show, kids. Enjoy this, #518, and then enjoy that, #519.

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE 
YOUR TECHMASTER 5K: JERRY
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI
YOUR SO-CAL UPDATE: THE COLONEL
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: BEN

I’m having gridlock Christmas,
_with people I don’t even know.
_Though friends and family 
_can’t be here, we’ll have good
_old Christmas cheer and
_carols on the car radio. Oh,
_I’m having gridlock Christmas…

EM NEWS
– The Hoofin’ Horn Gang
– A Little Too Much of The Holiday Spirit
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Cinema PaulieDiso takes it for a spin
– Von D, Chapelle, Sellers
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
An all new Top Ten List
– We speak with The Colonel from LA
– The EMR Christmas Movie Quiz
– Jerry’s Happy Note
– Plenty of Odd Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #517

EMR or eMpTy Minds Radio is your all out assault on stupidity and bullshit. Always interesting, informative and funny. Never too political. We are here to make things right. To set the record straight. Regular listener? Awesome. Occasional listener? Cool.  Have never listened? What the fuck are you waiting for? The Christmas season is upon and this is Episode #517. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE 
YOUR TECHMASTER 5K: JERRY
YOUR SO-CAL UPDATE: THE COLONEL

Oh…I yust go nuts at Christ-
_mas, on that yolly holiday. 
_I’ll go in the red like a knuckle-
_head, ’cause I’ll squander all
_my pay. Oh…I yust go nuts at
_Christmas; shopping sheer
_drives me berserk. On the day
_before, I rush in a store like
_the perviveal jerk. I’ll look at
_nightgowns for my wife, those
_black ones trimmed in red. But
_I won’t know her size, so she’ll
_get a carpet sveeper instead.
_Oh…I yust go nuts at Christ-
_mas, when each kids hangs up
_his sock…

EM NEWS
– The Golden Scorpion
– Exit Through The Gift Shlock
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Cinema PaulieDiso is horsing around
– Lew, Cosell, Oakley
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
An all new Top Ten List
– We speak with The Colonel from LA
– The EMR December Quiz
– Jerry’s Happy Note
– Plenty of Odd Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #516

EMR or eMpTy Minds Radio is your all out assault on stupidity and bullshit. Always interesting, informative and funny. Never too political. We are here to make things right. To set the record straight. Regular listener? Awesome. Occasional listener? Cool.  Have never listened? What the fuck are you waiting for? The Christmas season is here, listener. If you are new to the show, you will soon learn how into Christmas we are at EMR. If you’re a regular, you are well aware. Voila — December. Episode #516. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE 
YOUR TECHMASTER 5K: JERRY
YOUR SO-CAL UPDATE: THE COLONEL

Early Christmas morning,
_sneaky as can be. I creep
_across the carpet and peek
_under the tree. Pick out a
_a gift from Mom to me, bring
_it to my ear. Give it a little
_shimmy-shake and what do I
_hear? Socks. Tube socks! This
_is the worst gift I ever got. It
_doesn’t beep or buzz or bop
_or rattle in the box. Hey,
_why’d you waste the paper on
_a lousy pair of socks. Tip-toe
_to the mantle, a scowl upon
_my brow. I reach up to my
_stocking hanging from a holly
_bough…

EM NEWS
– Robot From The Future…of Tourism
– American Asshole Does The Right Thing
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Cinema PaulieDiso hits the pavement
– Liman, Palminteri, Mulaney
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
An all new Top Ten List
– We speak with The Colonel from LA
– A very short & impromptu round of The Sneezing Superstitions Quiz
– Plenty of Odd Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #515

EMR or eMpTy Minds Radio is your all out assault on stupidity and bullshit. Always interesting, informative and funny. Never too political. We are here to make things right. To set the record straight. Regular listener? Awesome. Occasional listener? Cool.  Have never listened? What the fuck are you waiting for? This is our Black Friday episode. That doesn’t mean too much. We just thought we’d let you know. It’s also known as episode #515. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE 
YOUR SO-CAL UPDATE: THE COLONEL
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: BEN
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI

There is history in this place.
_There are dragons to be 
_chased. And though I don’t 
_know who you are, an easy
_flow and a strong, a strong
_heart. And the charm in the
_way you hide, gently take my
_skull for a ride. And I don’t
_know who you are, but I 
_know what I’d like you to be.
_A one night stand under
_stoned persuasion. But a joy
_that I can’t hide. Gently
_take my skull for a ride. We
_can never go too far. The
_pain we can’t escape at
_least will wait…

EM NEWS
– Unintentional Intoxication
– Bovine Benefits
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Cinema PaulieDiso offers up three
– Murray, Jennings, Hook
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
An all new Top Ten List
– We speak with The Colonel from LA
– The Colonel plays his violin for us
– The EMR Celebrity Rhyme Thyme
– Plenty of Odd Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #514

EMR or eMpTy Minds Radio is your all out assault on stupidity and bullshit. Always interesting, informative and funny. Never too political. We are here to make things right. To set the record straight. Regular listener? Awesome. Occasional listener? Cool.  Have never listened? What the fuck are you waiting for? It’s episode #514, don’t you think you should get started? Damn it!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE 
YOUR SO-CAL UPDATE: THE COLONEL
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: BEN
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI

It couldn’t be a dam ’cause it
_doesn’t have a beaver.  It’s 
_not the DMV ’cause it doesn’t
_make you wait. It couldn’t be
_a taco ’cause it isn’t very 
_crunchy. It couldn’t be an 
_Olsen ’cause it isn’t Mary-
_Kate. It can’t be Dirty Dancing
_’cause it doesn’t make you
_vomit. It couldn’t be an iron
_’cause it doesn’t burn your
_face. It couldn’t be Bruce
_Campbell ’cause it isn’t fuckin’
_awesome. It couldn’t be a
_keyboard ’cause it doesn’t
_have a space…BAR. This is
_not a song. It’s a sandwich.

EM NEWS
– Salty Holiday
– Home, Home On The Sauce
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Cinema PaulieDiso gets predictable
– Carey, Bell, Swedien
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
An all new Top Ten List
– We speak with The Colonel from LA
– The EMR Celebrity Rhyme Thyme
– Plenty of Odd Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #513

EMR or eMpTy Minds Radio is your all out assault on stupidity and bullshit. Always interesting, informative and funny. Never too political. We are here to make things right. To set the record straight. And just like that, it was winter in EMR-Land…again. This is Episode #513 to take your mind off of it. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: 6/8 NATE
YOUR SO-CAL UPDATE: THE COLONEL
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: BEN
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI

Trick or treat. Sweet to eat,
_on Halloween and New Year’s
_Eve. Yankee girls, you just
_can’t be beat. But you’re the
_best when you’re off your 
_feet. Girls, girls, girls…At The
_Dollhouse in Fort Lauderdale.
_Girls, girls, girls…rocking in
_Atlanta at Tattletails. Girls,
_girls, girls…raising hell at the
_Seventh Veil. Crazy Horse,
_Paris, France. Forget the
_names, remember romance.
_Got the photos — menage et
_Trois. Must have broke those
_Frenchie’s laws with those…
_Girls, girls, girls…Body Shop
_and Marble Arch. Girls, girls,
_girls...

EM NEWS
– You’ve Got To Fight…For Your Right…To Party!
– It’s A Bird. It’s A Plane. It’s A Car…
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Cinema PaulieDiso gets revolutionary
– Grohl, Cohen, Springsteen
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
An all new Top Ten List
– We speak with The Colonel from LA
– The EMR Celebrity Rhyme Thyme
– Plenty of Odd Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #512 – Our 10th Anniversary

EMR or eMpTy Minds Radio is your all out assault on stupidity and bullshit. Always interesting, informative and funny. Never too political. We are here to make things right. To set the record straight. Tonight’s episode, number five-hundred-twelve, marks our 10th anniversary. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR ANALOG KID: 
JERRY
YOUR SO-CAL UPDATE: THE COLONEL
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: BEN
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI

Nowhere to run and nowhere
_to hide. I can’t kill this bad
_pain inside. What can I do 
_when your love is gone? All I
_can do is just live on. No 
_escape from your heart. No
_escape from your lips. No
_escape from you, baby; you
_bring the tears. No escape 
_from you, darlin’, all the
_night and day. No escape
_from you, baby. What else
_can I say? No escape. No
_escape. No escape. What
_can I do without you? Loss.
_I need your love, whatever
_it will cause...

EM NEWS
– Icy News From Way In The Past
– Don’t Try This At Home Kids
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Cinema PaulieDiso loves a village
– Oliver, Ford, Connery, Springsteen
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
An all new Top Ten List
– We speak with The Colonel from LA
– The Initials Game
– Jerry Happy Note
– Plenty of Odd Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #511 – The Big Halloween Show

EMR or eMpTy Minds Radio is your all out assault on stupidity and bullshit. Always interesting, informative and funny. Never too political. We are here to make things right. To set the record straight. This is Episode #511 – The Awesome Halloween Show. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR ANALOG KID: JERRY
YOUR SO-CAL UPDATE: THE COLONEL
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: BEN
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: 6/8 NATE
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI

Fly me to the moon. Let me 
_play among the stars. Let me
_see what spring is like on
_Jupiter and Mars. In other
_words, hold my hand. In other
_words, baby, kiss me. Fill my
_heart with song and let me
_sing forever more. You’re all
_I long for. All I worship and
_adore. In other words, please
_be true. In other words, I
_love you. Fly me to the moon.
_Let me play among the stars.

EM NEWS
– The Mummified Twinkies
– Beatle Tank, Beatle Tank, Beatle Tank
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Cinema PaulieDiso goes off the deep end
– The Spin On The Dead Spin
– Cohen, Black, Gass
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
An all new Top Ten List
– We speak with The Colonel from LA
– Two Halloween Quizzes (Candy Nostalgia & Horror Films)
– Halloween Limericks
– Analog Head-Trip
– Minnesota Vice (a great seasonal beer)
– Plenty of Halloween Factoids
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #510

EMR or eMpTy Minds Radio is your all out assault on stupidity and bullshit. Always interesting, informative and funny. Never too political. We are here to make things right. To set the record straight. This is Episode #510. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR SO-CAL UPDATE: THE COLONEL
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: BEN

They took the whole Cherokee
_Nation . Put us on this reser-
_vation. Took away our ways
_of life — the tomahawk and
_the bow and knife. Took away
_our native tongue and taught
_their English to our young. And
_all the beads we made by hand
_are nowadays made in Japan.
_Cherokee people. Cherokee
_tribe. So proud to live. So
_proud to die.

EM NEWS
– Lake Life Reels From A Bag of Fucking Eels
– Breath In The Fresh Air of Asbestos
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Cinema PaulieDiso delivers
– The Smell of Hopkins…Is Lovely
– Fincher, Cuomo, Holly
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
An all new Top Ten List
– We speak with The Colonel from LA
– Bizarre Road Signs (pics on our FB page – follow along)
– Plenty of Odd Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #509

EMR or eMpTy Minds Radio is your all out assault on stupidity and bullshit. Always interesting, informative and funny. Never too political. We are here to make things right. To set the record straight. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI
YOUR SO-CAL UPDATE: THE COLONEL
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: BEN
YOUR EM GUEST: JASON – THE POTTER

What a display, we can’t look
_away from the ones who get
_paid to stand on the stage. 
_And the people all watch –
_sit and listen in silence. I see
_them up on the screen. We 
_all listen, but they don’t say
_anything. They look so pretty
_and free, but we can all think
_when we are unplugged from
_the machine. I get my own
_thoughts. I don’t need to be
_taught.

EM NEWS
– Sneaky, Sneaky. Or Rather — Stinky, Stinky
– Do You Know The Pumpkin Man?
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Cinema PaulieDiso gets a jump on the future
– Cuties…Still Cute
– Trebek, Sherman-Palladino, Hall
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
An all new Top Ten List
– We speak with The Colonel from LA (The Colonel returns next week)
– We converse with Special Guest, Jason The Potter
– Even More Knockoff Toys (pics on our FB page)
– Plenty of Odd Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #508

Welcome to world of EMR Episode #508.

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR HAPPY BASTARD: JERRY
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI
YOUR SO-CAL UPDATE: THE COLONEL
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: BEN

Into the distance, a ribbon of
_black. Stretched to the point
_of no turning back. A flight of
_fancy on a windswept field.
_Standing alone, my senses 
_reeled. A fatal attraction is
_holding me fast. How can I
_escape this irresistible grasp?
_Can’t keep my eyes from the
_circling skies. Tongue-tied and
_twisted, just an earth-bound
_misfit, I.

EM NEWS
– The Best of Both Worlds…or Not
– What A Cute Little Devil
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Cinema PaulieDiso becomes enamored
– Will You Accept The Weasel Into Your Life…Again?
– Van Halen, Armstrong, Prince
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
An all new Top Ten List
– We speak with The Colonel from LA (The Colonel returns next week)
– Jerry’s 80s Music Quiz
– A Jerry’s Happy Note
– Plenty of Odd Tidbits
– The Super Summer Soda Smackdown (Grand Finale)
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #507 (10-02-2020)

How do you feel about cartoons and the art of cartoons? Still or animated? You’d better like that shit and like it quick, because Mr. Mort Lawry ain’t gonna take no lip out of you, you snot-nosed little fuh…what? Excuse me. Oh shit…we’re live. Hi, friends…Mort Lawry here to talk about cartoons. But before we get into that, how about we dive into EMR episode five-zero-seven? Sound good? Great! And if you won’t to dive into that, I have something else for you to dive into…what? Still live? Fuck!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI
YOUR SO-CAL UPDATE: THE COLONEL
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: BEN

We can dance if we want to. We
_can leave your friends behind.
_Because your friends don’t 
_dance, and if they don’t dance.
_Well, they’re no friends of 
_mine. We can go where we 
_want to, a place where they
_will never find. And we can act
_like we come from out of this
_world; leave the real one far
_behind. And we can dance…
_We can dance, we can dance.
_Everything out of control. We
_dance, we can dance. They’re
_doing it from wall to wall
.


EM NEWS
– Somebody’s In My Bed
– He’s Going The Distance
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Cinema PaulieDiso is awakened
– A Great Big Podcast Buyout
– Cohen, Serling, D’Amaro
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
An all new Top Ten List
– We speak with The Colonel from LA (The City of Angels)
– The EMR Theme Park Insanity Quiz
– Plenty of Odd Tidbits
– The Super Summer Soda Smackdown (the finale is next week)
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #506 (09-25-2020)

The China Bowl at 4am. That’s right — The China Bowl at 4am. Oh, hey, friends…Mort Lawry here. I was just re-working last week’s theme music to this week theme image. I know it sounds crazy, probably because it is. But hey, you try sitting in a sound booth all evening coming up with new ways to make Egg Foo Young sound exciting.  Mort Lawry saying – have a nice fucking weekend. Oh and enjoy eMpTy Minds Radio number five-zero-six!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR EM MUSIC-MAN: 6/8 NATE
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI
YOUR SO-CAL UPDATE: COL. NYLEN
YOUR ANALOG KID: JERRY
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: BEN

Hatin’ colorless society and 
_provin’ it. Watching too much
_TV for a Chinese girl. Living 
_in a new country called 
_America. Yes, she’s beautiful.
_She’s got her spacious skies.
_But what about the ugly parts
_the conquerors hide. A bowl
_of rice is a bowl of memories.
_Shovin’ it down our hungry
_throats. A cup of tea is a cup
_of tears. Floodin’ down our
_thirsty throats. So, I write a
_song to keep the memories of
_you and me. It shall keep us
_warm at night, eventhough you
_are out of sight.


EM NEWS
– Hot Blooded. Hot Blooded
– All We Wanted Was Some Peace & Quiet
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Cinema PaulieDiso gets the shaft
– WB Ditches So Ko
– Lennon, Clapton, Cruise
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
An all new Top Ten List
– We speak with Colonel Nylen from LA (The City of Angels)
– The Great American Soda Quiz
– A new Analog Head-Trip
– Plenty of Odd Tidbits
– The Super Summer Soda Smackdown (semi-finals – round two)
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #505 (09-18-2020)

Hi friends. I don’t know what to say to you tonight. Mostly, because I have just stuffed my mouth with the most delicious fried pork egg rolls on this planet!  Forbidden Palace pork egg rolls to be exact.  Mort Lawry here to tell you — if you find yourself in Los Angeles, The City of Angels, in the 1940s, be sure to check out Forbidden Palace…you’ll be god damned glad you did, Time Traveller.  Now, enjoy a little something that is time-less. EMR! This is five-hundred-zero-five.

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR EM MUSIC-MAN: 6/8 NATE
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI
YOUR SO-CAL UPDATE: COL. NYLEN
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: BEN

There’s some Polynesian dive,
_down wind from the Badlands.
_The Palace at 4am. We kicked
_through the diamond dust. 
_Halfway between Vancouver
_and the bingo game that made
_the man. Kicking around in
_the promised land. Just one
_flick of the wrist, one flick of
_the wrist and look, look, look…
_We’re in the Palace at 4am.
_When a daydream threw the
_covers. Back, back, back, back.
_Back before you saw the ribbon
_tied around your bomb. When
_you were kicking hearts around.
_The Palace at 4am...


EM NEWS
– Nothing To See Here, Folks
– Ice, Ice, Baby
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Cinema PaulieDiso is on the edge
– The Battle For Drum God Rages On
– Hibbert, Madonna, Cody
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
An all new Top Ten List
– We speak with Colonel Nylen from LA (The City of Angels)
– The Great Big Board Game Quiz
– Plenty of Odd Tidbits
– The Super Summer Soda Smackdown (semi-finals – round one)
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #504 (09-11-2020)

Are you still using a fork? Gosh.  And a spoon too? Eegad!  Friend, you are never going to get anywhere in life with that love of flatware. It’s time to open your minds to the world of eating with wood or bamboo. That’s right, good ol’ pals — the chopstick.  Chopsticks — the utensil for those who aren’t a bunch of drooling dipshits. Mort Lawry saying — Chopsticks, get yours today. Now for EMR Episode number five-zero-four. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR ANALOG KID: JERRY
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI
YOUR SO-CAL UPDATE: COL. NYLEN
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: BEN

I eat with chopsticks. Can you
_eat with chopsticks? Just pick
_up your chopsticks and I’ll 
_teach you how. Some people
_use chopsticks; they always
_use chopsticks. So, try out
_your chopsticks right now.
_Two little sticks; they’re made
_out of wood, and they help
_you to pick up your lunch.
_Your lunch. And if you practice,
_then you’d get good and you’ll
_find you can pick up a bunch
_to munch. Eat noodles with
_chopsticks. Eat dumplings with
_chopsticks. Eat sushi with
_chopsticks...


EM NEWS
– Slithering Welcome Committee
– Lost Money Looking For Good Home
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Cinema PaulieDiso hanging on by a thread
– The Day…The Music…Was Saved
– Grohl, Hudson, Parker
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
An all new Top Ten List
– We speak with Colonel Nylen (not tonight)
– The Famous Names Game
– Plenty of great odd tidbits
– The Super Summer Soda Smackdown (semi-finals NEXT week)
– An all new Analog Head-Trip
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #503 (09-04-2020)

Chinese food. Yes, friends, Chinese food…the staple of any Chinese meal. I could talk all night about spring rolls and other exotic delicacies, but there’s no reason. All you have to do is head on down to the King Joy Lo and experience for yourself. From the tantalizing appetizers to the hearty, authentic main dishes, you can’t go wrong at the King Joy Lo. This is Mort Lawry saying — Take my fuckin’ word for it! Enjoy some delicious ethnic dishes and then enjoy EMR, Episode 503!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR ANALOG KID: JERRY
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI
YOUR SO-CAL UPDATE: COL. NYLEN
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: BEN

The chow chow-mein is great
_for lunch and Orange Kitten
_sure packs a punch. The 
_flavor you can’t knock. This
_Asian food rocks. You need to
_go get some Chinese Wok. 
_Labrador retrieve me some
_Chinese Wok. All the best
_food is made from dog. Eating
_pussy — it’s great Chinese Wok.
_Come to this dinner, it’s just
_like Tongchuan. Spread butter
_on Beagles. Try Shangri-Poodles
_with a side of Pit Bull. The
_food is a bitch. The taste is so
_rich, that you won’t care if it’s
_mastiff...


EM NEWS
– The Bear Necessities…of Life
– Would You Like Muscles With That?
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Cinema PaulieDiso is seeing red
– Let The Drum War Begin!
– Wilson, Quaid, Boseman
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
An all new Top Ten List
– We speak with Colonel Nylen from his current SoCal location
– EMR’s Shit From The Pages of Comics
– Plenty of great odd tidbits
– The Super Summer Soda Smackdown (round four)
– An all new Analog Head-Trip
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #502 (08-28-2020)

Tonight, Mort Lawry, is on vacation. And being the only people here are the junky janitor and an overnight camera crew that hasn’t heard of the word sobriety or the word shower, we are going to have to skip the regular advertisement that would fill this spot. Enjoy EMR episode 502!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: 6/8 NATE
YOUR SO-CAL UPDATE: COL. NYLEN

Everybody loves a nut. The
_whole world loves a weirdo.
_Brains are in a rut, but every- 
_body loves a nut. There was
_a hermit named Fred who 
_kept the dead horse in his
_cave. And everyone said to
_Fred. how come you keep
_a dead horse in your cave?
_and he said, well…brains
_are in a rut, but everybody
_loves a nut. A Columbian
_man named Frank had a
_tiger named Hank. He tried
_to put Hank in his tank.
_Guess what happened to ole
_Frank? When they picked up
_the teets there and eyeballs.
_And erected a tombstone that
_read. Another Columbian
_fella told Queen Isabella – I
_don’t think the world is flat.
_And now what do you think
_about that? And she said – you
_don’t? And he said – no ma’am.
_And she said – he’d get out of
_my queendom...


EM NEWS
– I Hope That Someone Gets My…
– War Goats
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Cinema PaulieDiso deserves rights too
– Spielberg, Hart, Polanski
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
An all new Top Ten List
– We speak with Colonel Nylen from his current SoCal location
– Stoner Thoughts
– Plenty of great odd tidbits
– The Super Summer Soda Smackdown (round three)
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #501 (08-21-2020)

Mort Lawry here, tonight, with a serious question. Did you catch the 500th episode of EMR? I did and let me tell you — it was good. Damn good. In fact, it was so good…I really don’t know what they could do next. I’m not expecting much out of this episode 501, to be honest. I am suffering a severe case of the 500 blues. Well, maybe they can do it.  Let’s hope. Here’s your EMR crew with Episode number five-zero-one. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR ANALOG KID: JERRY
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI
YOUR SO-CAL UPDATE: COL. NYLEN
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: BEN

Five little King Cake babies
_planning to escape. One 
_jumped up and ran away. 
_Mama called the baker, and 
_the baker said — No more
_King Cake babies planning
_to escape. Four little King
_Cake babies planning to
_escape. Mama called the
_baker, and the baker said —
_No more King Cake babies
_planning to escape. Three
_little King Cake babies
_planning to escape. Mama
_called the baker, and the
_baker said — No more King
_Cake babies planning to
_escape. Two little King Cake
_babies planning to escape.
_Mama called the baker, and
_the baker said — No more
_King Cake babies planning to
_escape. One little King Cake
_baby planning to escape.
_Mama called the baker. The
_baker said..
.

EM NEWS
– Walkin’ In A Chocolate Wonderland
– Let’s Have Some Ice Cream For Dinner
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Cinema PaulieDiso soars
– Reinhart, Kennedy, Martin
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
An all new Top Ten List
– We speak with Colonel Nylen from the SoCal Desert Compound
– Jerry has a new Analog Head-Trip
– The Urban Legends Quiz
– Plenty of great odd tidbits ARE missing from this episode
– The Super Summer Soda Smackdown
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #500 – The Biggest Show Yet (08-14-2020)

Hey kids, it’s Mort Lawry. If you are expecting me to say something witty here or maybe snarky, advertising some bizarre product…stuff it! I took the night off to listen to this — EMR Episode #500, and you should too!  It’s BIG!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR ANALOG KID: JERRY
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI
YOUR SO-CAL UPDATE: COL. NYLEN
YOUR EM GUITARISTA: 6/8 NATE
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: BEN
YOUR SPECIAL GUEST: COUSIN TODD
YOUR EM CLAM: CLAMBOY

We’re a well known Glasgow
_Football team. We don’t 
_play in blue. We don’t play
_in green. Red and yellow are 
_the colors we love. The 
_colors of The Patrick Thistle 
_Football Club. By the way,
_we don’t fear anyone at any
_time, anywhere. So, fly the
_flags of the Firhill Jags and
_follow them everywhere.

EM NEWS
– Smile For The Camera, Chair
– Let’s Have A Sleepover
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Cinema PaulieDiso goes for a sled-ride
– Smith, Simms, Robinson
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
An all new Top Ten List
– 6/8 Nate plays 3 songs for us live, including an EMR exclusive
– We speak with Colonel Nylen from the SoCal Desert Compound
– Jerry has a new Analog Head-Trip
– The Big EMR EMR Quiz
– A huge, beautiful 5 Minute Cinema Production
– Plenty of great odd tidbits
– The Super Summer Soda Smackdown
– Lots of 500 fun!
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #499 (08-07-2020)

Hey kids, it’s your old buddy Mort Lawry. Spring time is in the air, and… Wait a god-damned second. Who wrote this? Spring is in the air? Summer is practically over, you fuckin’ numb skulls!  New copy what? New copy is on its way? Who gives a shit about that? I quit…again.  Listen to EMR and have a great fucking night. I’m out of here!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI
YOUR SO-CAL UPDATE: COL. NYLEN
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: BEN

I was gonna clean my room
_until I got high. I was gonna
_get up and find the broom,
_but then I got high. My room
_is still messed up and I know
_why. Because I got high, 
_because I got high. Because
_I got high. I was gonna go to
_class before I got high. I
_coulda cheated and I coulda
_passed, but then I got high.

EM NEWS
– Holy Slithering Swirly, Batman!
– Man Pig Bacon
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Young Is Sick of This Asshole, And He’s Not Alone
– Cinema PaulieDiso swept up in Mania
– Shearer, Rubio, Cash
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
An all new Top Ten List
– A bunch o’ new Shower Thoughts
– We speak with Colonel Nylen from the SoCal Desert Compound
– Plenty of great odd tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #498 (07-31-2020)

Ashtrays. Is there a size or shape they don’t come in?  Hmmm…you don’t see many rhombus trays at your local AshMart now do you?  Wrong.  Hi buddies, it’s good ol’ Mort Lawry here to let you in on a little secret…AshMart. AshMart has rhombus ashtrays and any other shape you can imagine. Shape, size, functionality…whatever you need they have it. Fuck! They even have a cozy little spot to sit and smoke and a great selection of sticks to smoke on. Don’t miss out on the action of rhombus! Visit AshMart today. Now, how’s ’bout you listen to my good friends at EMR?  Good plan. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR ANALOG KID: JERRY
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI
YOUR SO-CAL UPDATE: COL. NYLEN
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: BEN
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: 6/8 NATE

About that time a Taurus
_zoomed around the curve.
_Driver havin’ him a smoke.
_Finished it, then out the
_window it flew. The butt
_landed at my toe and I 
_thought — “to you, all the
_world’s an ashtray.” But
_you should keep it to your-
_self. All the world’s an ash-
_tray…

EM NEWS
– Electronic Origami
– Ghostly Manor
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– The Clock Is TikToking
– Cinema PaulieDiso goes for the gold
– Beck, Costner, Reed
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
An all new Top Ten List
– The Big Lush Quiz of Booze
– Jerry’s Happy Note
– We speak with Colonel Nylen from the SoCal Desert Compound
– Plenty of great odd tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #497 (07-24-2020)

Have you ever been sitting in a comfortable chair, next to a beautiful ashtray, a pack of Tommy Bahamas cedar matches in your hand and thought to yourself, “What the fuck am I missing? Oh yeah…the cigar.”  Don’t let this happen to you. Hi friends, Mort Lawry here to tell you about Cigars Right Now.  Sign up with Cigars Right Now today and the next time you find yourself without a fine smoke, all you have to do is think about it and it will be. It’s that easy. In fact, you don’t even really have to go to the website to sign up. Have you already thought about it? Cool. Then it’s already done. You will be billed monthly. Isn’t supernatural fun? Now, here’s something bizarre — eMpTy Minds Radio. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI
YOUR SO-CAL UPDATE: COL. NYLEN
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: BEN

Embers in the ashtray glow
_like memories that won’t
_let go. I’m out here trying
_to get untangled, in the
_darkness at the edge of 
_town. A little lost, a little
_found, waiting on a call
_from an angel. I light up
_the night and let it burn.
_Lean back and watch the
_sundown fade…

EM NEWS
– Welcome To Screamville
– Knock. Knock. Anybody Home?
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– ICM, Apparently, Progressive
– Cinema PaulieDiso cuts a deal
– Rhodes, Schiff, Franklin
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
An all new Top Ten List
– The World’s Most Boring Quiz — Don’t Miss It!
– We speak with Colonel Nylen from the SoCal Desert Compound
– Plenty of great odd tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #496 (07-17-2020)

Morty Lawry here to tell you that there is no better place to smoke a cigar than at a table that was designed and built for the sole purpose of pleasurably smoking a cigar. It’s handsome, stylish, and well-crafted. It lights up, has a built-in ashtray, trash receptacle and that other thing, whatever the fuck it does. It also has lids, so when you’re done…poof, your mess is hidden. How the hell does that sound? Pretty damn alright, right?  Get your fancy, art-deco, cigar, lamp table today…wherever fancy, art-deco, cigar, lamp tables are sold. Now, it’s eMpTy Minds Radio, kiddies!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI
YOUR SO-CAL UPDATE: COL. NYLEN
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: BEN
YOUR HAPPY BASTARD: JERRY

Would you sew my mesen-
_teric together? Wonder 
_smoke inside of my pul-
_monary. Indigo to go with
_the fire inner. I can take
_a match to you. Watcher
_try. And you take another
_hit, breath in tight. And
_you try a little bit all
_your life. For a light of
_bloody spit, wave good-
_bye. Killer, maker, roller,
_breaker — like a red in
_an ashtray. Killer, maker,
_roller, breaker — like a
_
red in an ashtray. Red in
_an ashtray.


EM NEWS
– Murder In Barbie Land
– Officer Patty Reporting For Doody
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Dirty Dancing — Now Moist Again
– Cinema PaulieDiso goes home
– Gunn, Thomas, Baskin
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
An all new Top Ten List
– A tasty round of ‘Know Your Cuts of Meat’
– Jerry’s Happy Note
– We speak with Colonel Nylen & “others” from the SoCal Desert Compound
– Plenty of great odd tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #495 (07-10-2020)

Hi there, friends, it’s your good buddy Mort Lawry here. I’ve got something for you to ponder. Do you remember quality? Take a moment and think. Do you remember it? You do. Don’t you? You can clearly remember a time before everything was a complete and utter pile of fucking shit. It’s not hard if you try. A lovely Art Deco ashtray can take you back to those good old days. Days of quality. Days when some random stranger prick didn’t give you the stink eye for lighting up. Yes, Art Deco ashtrays. Buy yours today.  Now, enjoy something else that will take you back to a better time or at very least a higher spot in your brain’s activity…it’s eMpTy Minds Radio. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI
YOUR SO-CAL UPDATE: COL. NYLEN
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: 6/8 NATE
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: BEN
YOUR SPECIAL GUEST: JOSHERS

There are songs you can never
_remember. There are songs
_you can’t forget. There are
_people always forgiving. Has
_Heaven forgiven me yet? 
_Just like stars, strays and 
_ashtrays, they called you
_her own.


EM NEWS
– The Chicken’s Day Out
– Now That’s A Knife
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– The Day More Music Died
– Cinema PaulieDiso meets a new friend
– Elba, Brewster, Carey
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
An all new Top Ten List
– ‘Too Close For Comfort’ – The EMR Photo Game (pics on FB)
– We speak with Colonel Nylen & “others” from the SoCal Desert Compound
– Plenty of great odd tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #494 (07-03-2020)

Do you need an elegant place to rest and eventually snuff out that old cancer stick? Look no further than Battuto Art Deco Ashtrays. There are literally seven to choose from and no matter your choice, you will not be disappointed. Trust your old pal Mort Lawry just as you’ve done for years. Would I ever steer you fuckers wrong? Not a chance. Battuto Art Deco Ashtrays. Don’t be a dick!  Now, it’s time for some eMpTy Minds Radio.

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR HAPPY BASTARD: JERRY
YOUR SO-CAL UPDATE: COL. NYLEN
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: BEN

Out of the ashtray, into the
_ashtray, out of the ashtray.
_There’s nothing living, 
_there’s nothing given. Week-
_ender’s vision turns to work-
_ing shoes. There’s nothing
_living, there’s nothing
_given. Weekender puts on
_his working suit
.

EM NEWS
– Bacon On The Loose
– Sausage On Demand
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Pesky Streaming Service Thinks You’re Rich
– Cinema PaulieDiso is losing it
– David, Prine, Smith
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
An all new Top Ten List
– Big Boom! The EMR Fireworks Quiz
– We speak with Colonel Nylen & “others” from the SoCal Desert Compound
– Jerry’s Happy Note
– Plenty of great odd tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #493 (06-26-2020)

Whoaaaaaaaaa. That shit is beautiful, man. Hahahaha. Oh fuck…Mort Lawry here for Mellow Mushroom. Yeah, it’s the only mushroom for your buddy Mort. Damn…the colors, baby. It’s all like fuck…..and check out that EMR show…it’s soooooo gooooood and shiny. — drop signal —

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR HAPPY BASTARD: JERRY
YOUR SO-CAL UPDATE: COL. NYLEN
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: BEN
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: 6/8 NATE

You better wise up and get
_good at networking. Or you’re
_never gonna add up to any-
_thing. But I just love pizza so
_much, I’m choosing it instead
_of spending every moment,
_trying to get ahead
.

EM NEWS
– Topless Hero
– Extra Special Toppings
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Theater What’s What Amid Endless Virus Stupidity
– Cinema PaulieDiso can’t see past the legs
– Jeremy, Grande, Chaplin
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
An all new Top Ten List
– The Big Fat EMR Radio Quiz
– We speak to Colonel Nylen & Nygel on the road in SoCal
– Jerry’s Happy Note
– Plenty of great odd tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #492 (06-19-2020)

This space is normally reserved for Mort Lawry’s ad copy. Mort is, apparently, on the lam. We believe it’s just a temporary thing. So, without sponsorship, this is EMR episode four-hundred-ninety-two. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI
YOUR EM SOCAL UPDATE: COL. NYLEN
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: BEN
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: 6/8 NATE

Pizza Party!  If you got a blunt,
_then we can get high. If you
_wanna come, then pick up the
_phone. Don’t get caught with
_a wack calzone. Pizza Party!
_Hey, yo, Tony, where’d you
_get that fresh pepperoni?
_Your toppings are ill, but
_your cheese is holy. Only
_order one slice when you’re
_feeling lonely. Cause the
_sausage tastes like stale
_bologna…

EM NEWS
– Blowup Doll Soap Opera
– Weed: To Good Home
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Ed Goes Digital
– Cinema PaulieDiso is turning green
– Crowe, Kimmel, Goffin
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
An all new Top Ten List
– Yet another exciting round of The Fabulous Initials Game
– We speak to Colonel Nylen from his SoCal desert bunker
– Plenty of great odd tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #491 (06-12-2020)

Hey gang, Mort Lawry here to tell you about Pinky’s Pizza.  If you think that sign is the bee’s knees, just wait til you get a load of their piping hot waitress…errr…ummm…pizza. It’s the best fucking slice you will have, this side of heaven. Trust your buddy Mort, Pinky’s is definitely the pie you want. Now, some EMR. It’s episode four…four…whatever it says at the top of the page. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: BEN

One slice lights up my life, hot &
_fresh at any time. I attack like an
_animal, delicious and casual.
_Please can you go out and get me
_some? P, I want some, I-Z-Z-A. I
_wanna get my little greasy hands
_on some. P, I want some, I-Z-Z-A.
_Please will you cook me up some
_of that delicious P-I-Z-Z-A?


EM NEWS
– Creepy Music From Land’s End
– Ocean of Snot
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Mad Jaffee Folds Up Shop
– Cinema PaulieDiso doin’ some scalpin’
– Cena, Dries, Clark
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
An all new Top Ten List
– Another exciting round of The Fabulous Initials Game
– Plenty of great odd tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #490 (06-05-2020)

Hey, kiddies, it’s your old buddy Mort Lawry here. I took a month off for some Back To The Future nonsense, but I am back to tell you about the bomb-diggity-doo of Pizzas. Its Angelo’s Pizza Parlor. Yeah, sure the sign says family dining, but show up with a ho. Hell, you might even get a discount. That’s how good this shit is! Angelo’s…if you eat another pizza, you’re an asshole! Now, it’s time for EMR.  It’s been so long since I have been here, I have no fucking idea what episode it is..but enjoy it just the same!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR HAPPY BASTARD: JERRY
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: BEN
YOUR SPECIAL GUEST: COLONEL NYLEN

Sunday morning – needs for
_pizza. It’s just the cheese chilling
_in my mind. Eating Pizza, Sunday
_morning…nothing’s wasted here.
_Just left behind. It’s out. It’s on
_the counter. You’ll be so glad you
_found another slice. You’re eating
_it twice. Half of it’s gone, into my
_mouth. I was so hungry. Now I am
_full. I ate it for a little while. I only
_ate the part with cheese. Nom, nom,
_nom. Have a bite of crust. Nom, nom,
_nom. Have a bite of crust. Nom, nom,
_nom. Have a bite of crust. Have a bite
_of…a bite of crust. Have a bite of
_crust.


EM NEWS
– Primate Hemo Thief
– Wrong Bondage Locale
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Celebs Jump On The Cause-Wagon
– Cinema PaulieDiso gets hooked
– Pope, Abrams, Capps
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
An all new Top Ten List
– An exciting round of The Fabulous Initials Game
We talk George Floyd + Tom’s pics from the memorial (on our FB page)
– Jerry’s Happy Note (LIVE – Jerry’s back!)
– We talk with Colonel Nylen from his SoCal desert bunker

– Plenty of great odd tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #489 (05-29-2020)

Welcome to the Cafe 80s, where always morning in America, even in the afternoo-noo-noon. You might want to go with our Fajita Tortilla Pita. It’s got a hot salsa, avocados, cilantro mixed with your choice of beans, chicken, bee-bee-beef or pork. No. You must have the hot chicken special!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR HAPPY BASTARD: JERRY
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: BEN
YOUR SPECIAL GUEST: COLONEL NYLEN

We searched all through the night.
_I couldn’t find it. You couldn’t
_find it. I knew something wasn’t
_right. I couldn’t find it. You
_couldn’t find it. And they say —

_Heaven is one step away. Heaven
_is one step away.

EM NEWS
– Residential Bigfoot
– Der Alligator Starb
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Japanimation Firestarter Busted
– Cinema PaulieDiso back in the shadows
– Rowling, Cobb, Fallon
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
An all new Top Ten List
– The Classic Arcade Quiz
We talk about the George Floyd murder & aftermath
– Jerry’s Happy Note
– We talk with Colonel Nylen from his SoCal desert bunker

– Plenty of great odd tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #488 (05-22-2020)

Save the clock tower. Save the clock tower. Mayor Wilson is sponsoring an initiative to replace that clock. Thirty years ago, lightning struck that clock tower and the clock hasn’t run since. We at the Hill Valley Preservation Society think it should be preserved exactly the way it is as part of our history and heritage.

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & TABI
YOUR HAPPY BASTARD: JERRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE
YOUR SPECIAL GUEST: BEN

I got a bad complication, I keep
_it to myself. I got some strange
_information, I can’t think of
_nothin’ else. These must be 
_about a million single ways to

_go down. ‘Cause I’m a lonely
_stranger in this time bomb 
_town. Oh, I’m a lonely 
_traveler in this time bomb
_town
.

EM NEWS
– Fucking Soccer!
– The Power & The Itchy Bum
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Who Is Pink Floyd?
– Cinema PaulieDiso is searching low & high
– Rose, Kirchherr, Piccoli
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
An all new Top Ten List
– The Big Fucking Donut Quiz
– Jerry’s Happy Note
– Plenty of great odd tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #487 (05-15-2020)

Do you have a strong need for shit? Call D. Jones Manure today. We will deliver what ever you need and we won’t cause a stink about it, either. From five cubic feet of the ripe stuff to five cubic miles, we literally have you covered at D. Jones. We are conveniently located just west of Hill Valley. Call us today or stop in. Hope to smell…err…see you soon.

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR HAPPY BASTARD: JERRY
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI
YOUR EM CALL IN: COL. NYLEN
YOUR SPECIAL GUEST: BEN

Road trippin’ with my two favor-
_ite allies. Fully loaded – we got
_snacks and supplies. It’s time to
_leave this town. It’s time to 
_steal away. Let’s go get lost, any-

_where in the USA. Let’s go get
_lost. Let’s go get lost. Blue, you
_sit so pretty west of The One.
_Sparkles light with yellow icing,
_just a mirror for the sun. Just
_a mirror for the sun. Just a 
_mirror for the sun. These 
_smiling eyes are just a mirror
_for…

EM NEWS
– Idiocy Revisited
– Yeah…That’s It, Reward The Little Bastard
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– They Claim They Like Freedom. Hmm…Interesting
– Cinema PaulieDiso – is looking for players
– Adams, Horn, Penniman
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
An all new Top Ten List
– The Big EMR Pizza Party Quiz
– Minnesota Vice

– Jerry’s Happy Note
– Colonel Nylen calls in from his Yucca Bunker with an update
– Plenty of great odd tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #486 (05-08-2020)

October is inventory time. So, right now, Statler Toyota is making the best deals of the year on all 1985 model Toyota’s. You won’t find a better car at a better price with better service anywhere in Hill Valley. That’s Statler Toyota in downtown Hill Valley. Remember, EMR prices are only good til the end of the month.  And now eMpTy Minds Radio number four-hudred-eighty-six. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & JERRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI
YOUR EM CALL IN: COL. NYLEN
YOUR SPECIAL GUEST: BEN

I got shot through a space not
_long ago, I thought I knew the
_place so well. It wasn’t the same,
_now it goes to show — sometime
_you never can tell. I’m lookin’

_high and low, don’t know where
_to go. I’ve got to double back,
_my friend. The only way to find
_what I left behind. I’ve got to
_double back again.

EM NEWS
– Pull, Over, My Finger!
– Juvenile Car Thief
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Estate of The Dead Still Very Much Alive
– Cinema PaulieDiso – a rare double-feature
– Kerr, Powell, Pressburger
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
– An all new Top Ten List
– The Coca Cola Quiz
– Jerry’s Happy Note
– Colonel Nylen calls in from his Yucca Bunker with an update
– Plenty of great odd tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

>

eMpTy Minds Radio #485 (05-01-2020)

Did you just spill an entire bag of Raisinettes into the couch?  Jar of popcorn kernels not quite make it to the stove? Bag of trail mix down your pants? Mort Lawry here, friends, to tell you about the Dustbuster. This li’l bitch can clean up everything. Seriously.  You spill it, Dustbuster will slurp it right up like a $2 hooker on a Bangkok Sunday morning. You might find yourself spilling shit just to put this Dust-busting magic to the test. Don’t be the last in your neighborhood to pick one up. Available at fine retailers and some not-so-fine retailers everywhere. Now, it’s time for eMpTy Minds Radio episode four-million-something or…four-thousand. I don’t know. Just listen, damnit!

 

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & TABI
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE
YOUR HAPPY PHONE-IN: JERRY
YOUR EM CALL IN: COL. NYLEN
YOUR SPECIAL GUEST: BEN

Tell me, Doctor, where are we
_going this time? Is this the 50s
_or 1999? All I wanted to do was
_play my guitar and sing. So, take
_me away, I don’t mind. But you

_better promise me I’ll be back
_in time. Gotta get back in time.
_Don’t bet your future on one
_roll of the dice. Better re-
_member, lightning never strikes
_twice. Please don’t drive 88, 
_don’t wanna be late again. So, 
_take me away, I don’t mind.
_But you better promise me I’ll
_be back in time. Gotta get back
_in time.

EM NEWS
– Garage Shitter!
– The Scratch Mark Left Across The Surface of Your Mind
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– A Universal Disagreement
– Cinema PaulieDiso goes pimpin’
– Lohan, Khan, Cervone
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
– An all new Top Ten List
– They Were In This Band Game
– Jerry’s Happy Note X2
– Comedy Spotlight — Ben
– Colonel Nylen calls in from his Yucca Bunker with an update
– Plenty of great odd tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

>

eMpTy Minds Radio #484 (04-24-2020)

Are you a sculptor? Probably not. Do you look at ornate designs carved in wood and wish you could make those? Probably.  Well, wish no more my friends. Introducing — chisels. All you need is a set of good chisels and about 20 years of chiseling under your belt and you too can make ornate designs in wood…unless you are a total fucking idiot. Your old buddy Mort Lawry here to say — Why don’t you buy some chisels today?  Now, back to those fuckers at EMR!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI
YOUR HAPPY PHONE-IN: JERRY
YOUR EM CALL IN: COL. NYLEN
YOUR SPECIAL GUEST: BEN

Once I was a caprenter, man my
_hands were calloused. I could
_swing a metal mallet sure and
_straight. But I took to the high-
_way, a poet young and hungry.

_And I left the timbers rotting
_where they lay. Sometimes I
_hit. Sometimes it robs me blind.
_Sometimes I hit. Sometimes it

_robs me blind.

EM NEWS
– Donkey Show
– Banksy Is A Rat Bastard
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– I Don’t Like It…So, Nobody Should See It
– Cinema PaulieDiso is babysitting
– Seacrest, Sarandos, Nelson
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
– An all new Top Ten List
– The Big EMR Band Name Change Game
– Jerry’s Happy Note – Stimulate Me
– Colonel Nylen calls in from his Yucca Bunker with an update
– Plenty of great odd tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

>

eMpTy Minds Radio #483 (04-17-2020)

Ever thought to yourself — “Hey! I can build one of those”?  Well, I am here to tell you that you can’t.  It’s your old buddy Mort Lawry, and sometimes old buddies have to usher in the tough love. See, my friend, builders build. They don’t have to say shit like “hey I can build one of those,” because they know they can and so does everyone who knows them. That’s the way it’s been for the ages. That in mind and the personal honesty sinking in, why don’t you pull out your handy-dandy phone book and give our pals over at Fuck Yeah! a call?  At Fuck Yeah! they can and will build it for you. Can they? Fuck Yeah! Will they? Fuck Yeah! Give ’em a holler and they’ll have a Fuck Yeah! Builder to your place in no time, building all of that shit that, let’s be honest, you can’t. Don’t wait. Call today. Now, how about some EMR? I’m excited as shit!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & TABI
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE
YOUR EM CALL IN: COL. NYLEN
YOUR SPECIAL GUEST: BEN

Grandpa was a carpenter, he
_built houses, stores and banks.
_Chain-smoked Camel cigar-
_ettes and hammered nails into
_planks. He was level on the 

_level and shaved even every
_door. And voted for Eisen-
_hower, ’cause Lincoln won the
_war. Grandpa was a carpenter,

_he built houses, stores and 
_banks..
.

EM NEWS
– Beer Before I Die, Pleeeeeeeeeease!
– ‘Scuse Me, I’m Looking For Bah-ah-ah-ah-cardi
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Historical Readery Saved
– Cinema PaulieDiso takes vows
– Trebek, Turtletaub, Newton
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
– An all new Top Ten List
– The Return of Cognitive Biases
– Colonel Nylen calls in from his Yucca Bunker with an update
– Plenty of great odd tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

>

eMpTy Minds Radio #482 (04-10-2020)

Do you like to saw stuff, but hate cleaning up the sawdust? You’re not alone. Recent polls indicate that over five billion people feel the same way as you. There’s good news, friend. Your old buddy Mort Lawry to tell you all about the new DustFucker, portable, automatic, antiseptic, vegan, organic sawdust cleaner from our good friends as SawToof Industries. Just sit this little bastard in the corner of your garage and forget about it. The next time you saw something and make a mess…forget about that too. Go ahead! Go get dinner, go bowling, go to the movies, when you come home your garage will be clean, you will have to do a double-take just to make sure your in the right fucking garage. The DustFucker…your new best friend. Sorry, Dogs.  Now, onto the main course — EMR episode 482. Enjoy the shit out of it, you media hungry bastards!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI
YOUR EM CALL IN: COL. NYLEN
YOUR SPECIAL GUEST: BEN

Well, if you could have married
_a king’s daughter there, I’m 
_sure you’re the one to blame.
_For I am married to a house
_carpenter, and I’m sure he’s a

_fine young man. Forsake,

_forsake your house carpenter
_and come away with me
.

EM NEWS
– The Running Madman
– He’s A Bucketman, Burning Out His Fuse Up There Alone
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– His Talent Is His Kindness
– Cinema PaulieDiso takes a gamble
– Prine, Zumthor, Klein
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
– An all new Top Ten List
– A Great Big Monopoly Quiz
– An all new Minnesota Vice
– Colonel Nylen calls in from his Yucca Bunker with an update
– Plenty of great odd tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

>

eMpTy Minds Radio #481 (04-03-2020)

Chop. Chop Chop. Saw. Saw. Saw. Oh…hi there, friends, it’s the old wood-worker himself, Mort Lawry. I was just humming a sweet tune as I stain this redwood deck. Say, are you looking for the perfect instrument to get all of those planks smooth as silk? Look no further than the Sorby Planer. This bitch is about 130 years old and it will get the job done. No outlet? No fucking problem, baby…Sorby has you covered. Pick your Sorby Planer up today!  Now, time to listen to our pals over at EMR. I believe this is episode #481. Enjoy! Chop. Chop. Chop. Saw. Saw. Saw. Dooty-dooty-doo…

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & TABI
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE
YOUR EM CALL IN: COL. NYLEN
YOUR SPECIAL GUEST: BEN

Sugartown has turned so sour.
_It’s people angry in their sleep.
_There’s more small town para-
_noia sweeping down its evil
_sheets. You better give me a 

_chance, I’ll cut you down with

_a glance. Yeah, with my small
_axe, so help me. And tho I’m
_only one. And tho weak, I’m
_strong. And if it comes to the
_crunch, then I’m the wood-
_cutter’s son.

EM NEWS
– The Old Squash & Capture Trick
– In The Name of The Father, The Son & The Fluffy Bunny Ears
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– He’ll Save Every One of Us…But Not Financially
– Cinema PaulieDiso is on the lam
– Stern, Somers, O’Neal
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
– An all new Top Ten List
– The Initials Game
– Special Call-In – An LA Update from Colonel Nylen
– Plenty of great odd tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

>

eMpTy Minds Radio #480 (03-27-2020)

Spring is here, folks, and you know what that means don’t you? Time to put on a fancy coat with long-tails, grab a walking stick, your shiniest top hat and for no reason whatsoever, a monocle. So, you can walk down the street and strut your stuff.  And that’s just the dog. I ain’t even started talking about you yet. HA-HA-HA. It’s your dear friend Mort Lawry. What I’m getting at, compadre’s is it’s time for Snooty Cigarettes. Yes, Snooty Cigarettes. In the classy blue package. You can’t beat Snooty for smoothness, refreshingness, tastiness and yes…snootiness. What the fuck are you waiting for? Pick up a pack today, at your local retailer. Now, time for a little EMR episode four-eight-zero. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI
YOUR SPECIAL GUEST: BEN

Now, I’m a fellow with a heart
_of gold. With the ways of a 
_gentleman, I’ve been told. A
_kind of a fellow that wouldn’t
_even harm a flea. But if me 

_and a certain character met,

_that guy that invented the
_cigarette, I’d murder that son
_of a gun in the first degree. It
_ain’t that I don’t smoke, myself.
_And I don’t reckon they’ll injure
_your health. I’ve smoked ’em
_
all my life and I ain’t dead yet.
_But nicotine slaves are all the
_same, at a pheasant party or a
_poker game. Everything’ gotta

_stop when they have that
_cigarette.

EM NEWS
– The 8th, Less Respected, Samurai
– Nose Candy Hippos
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– And Just Like That…It Was Published
– Cinema PaulieDiso is two-timin’
– Uderzo, Rogers, Weissberg
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
– An all new Top Ten List
– New Segment “Think About It”
– Special guest Ben hangs out
– Plenty of great odd tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

>

eMpTy Minds Radio #479 (03-20-2020)

I’m being followed by a Dream Castle. Dream Castle. Dream Castle. Skippin’ and hoppin’ on a Dream Castle…Oh shit. Didn’t know we were on the air. You caught me humming to myself. Hi friends, Mort Lawry here. Maybe that wasn’t very professional, but at least you caught me humming the right tune. Dream Castle. That’s right Dream Castle Cigarettes. Never has there been a smoke so smooth, so creamy, so perfect. Sooooo Dreamy. Dream Castle CIgarettes — you’ll never even see the cancer coming.  Now, your friends and mine at EMR. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & TABI
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE

You throw me in a pan, you
_cook me in a can, you stretch
_me with your hands. You love
_to watch me bake, you serve
_me up with cake, and that’s

_your big mistake. Your guest

_comes in dressed smart. You
_offer a la carte. You didn’t
_have the heart. You left me
_burned and seared. You left
_me ripped and teared. And
_older than my years. I should
_
known at first that you would
_leave me hurt. You had to try
_dessert. I wish I could say that
_everyone was wrong
. I wish
_everyone was wrong.

EM NEWS
– No Swimming In The Heavy Water. No Singing In The Acid Rain
– Uncalled For Tech Regulations
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Villain Doesn’t Like Being Portrayed As Villain
– Cinema PaulieDiso doubles down on Bethnal Green
– Waggoner, Whitman, Zeppelin
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
– An all new Top Ten List
– Minnesota Vice
– The Super Duper Bingo Quiz
– Plenty of great odd tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

>

eMpTy Minds Radio #478 (03-13-2020)

Hey friends, it’s your good buddy Mort Lawry here to tell you about Clown Cigarettes. Despite the name, you won’t look like a joker when you smoke Clown. Clown will make you look like a sophisticate. They will make you look cool. They will make you feel cool. And if they don’t make her do a double-take on you, fuck the bitch…she doesn’t deserve you. That’s right, Clown Cigarettes for the three ring circus of life. Now, EMR.

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR HAPPY BASTARD: JERRY

Cigareetes, whusky & wild,
_wild women – they’ll drive 
_you crazy. They’ll drive you 
_insane. Cigareetes, whusky &
_wild, wild women – they’ll

_drive you crazy. They’ll drive

_you insane. Once I was happy
_and had a good wife. I had
_enough money to last me for
_life. I met with a girl and we
_went on a spree. She taught
_me to smoke and to drink
_
whiskey. Cigareetes, whusky
_& wild, wild women – they’ll
_drive you crazy. They’ll drive
_you insane
.

EM NEWS
– View Askew
– One Hell of A Public Works Department
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Litigated!
– Cinema PaulieDiso is in the game
– von Sydow, Parton, King
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
– An all new Top Ten List
– Friday The 13th Memes (on our FB pages)
– Jerry’s Happy Note
– Friday The 13th Quiz
– Plenty of great odd tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

>

eMpTy Minds Radio #477 (03-06-2020)

I was just talkin’ with the boys back stage and boy is tonight’s message exciting: Wack It! That’s right gentlemen, don’t waste another minute — just wack it.  Hi, friends. Mort Lawry here to tell you about the new lightweight bat and ball set from Fuckitall Entertainment. You can trust this fine lightweight ball and bat, because it was brought to you by the same people who introduced you to S.C.A.B.A. (the self-contained-above-water-breathing-apparatus) just two short years ago. Crack that ball so hard you break a window in the next town over. The best part? Nobody will ever know, because it doesn’t make a fucking sound. Not even a little peep. The Lightweight Bat & Ball Set. Don’t be a dickhead, get yours today. Now, eMpTy Minds Radio number…oh I don’t remember. Just listen to the god-damned thing!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & TABI
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE

Well, it’s wet. It’s all broken
_and wet. But, I take what I
_get. I got a crooked cigarette.
_Well, she left. She left me
_with a hell of a debt. But no

_sweat. I got a crooked cigar-

_ette. When it’s busted by the
_filter, there’s a trick that I 
_found. You break it on apart,
_then you turn it around. You
_slide it in easy, then you
_twist it in tight. Hey, buddy,
_
got a light? Well, I’m full.
_Full of that malt liquor bull.
_But I’m set. I got a crooked
_cigarette. Well, it’s wet. It’s
_all broken and wet. But, I
_
take what I get. I got a
_crooked cigarette.

EM NEWS
– Intercontinental Ballistic Pancakes
– Run For The Border…of Stupidity
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– You’re A Good Man, Trebek
– Cinema PaulieDiso is caught in the crossfire
– Sandler, Lipton, Corman
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
– An all new Top Ten List
– More of those delightful Shower Thoughts
– Plenty of great odd tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

>

eMpTy Minds Radio #476 (02-28-2020)

It’s hard to believe when next we meet it will already be March. But it’s true. Hi, old friends, it’s your buddy Mort Lawry here to remind you it’s never too late. You might be thinking “Too late for what, Mort?”  That’s because nothing gets by you, you sly dog. My reply — anything. It’s never too late for anything. A new product from the good people at Procrastination Industries. Why waste your time on that damned thing today when tomorrow will be another fine opportunity to skip it once again? You can’t skip it tomorrow if it’s already done, right? Bingo. You’re a smart motherfucker!  Give Procrastination Industries a call right now for your free catalog. Or don’t. See if I give a shit. Now, onto our regularly scheduled program — eMpTy Minds Radio.

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & JERRY
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: SIX/8 NATE

They call me Cuban Pete,
_I’m the king of the Rumba
_beat. When I play the mar-
_acas, I go chic-chic-ky-boom,
_chic-chic-ky-boom. Yes, sir,

_I’m Cuban Pete, I’m the 

_craze of my native street.
_When I start to dance, every-
_thing goes chic-chic-ky-boom,
_chic-chic-ky-boom. The
_senoritas they sing and they
_swing with terampero, It’s
_
very nice! So full of spice!
_And when they dance in
_they bring a happy ring, that
_era keros…

EM NEWS
– Leaning…No Less
– Scrot-Vaulting
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– What Not To Visit
– A Slightly Less Guarded Albeit Maligned Netflix
– Culkin, Roback, Cooper
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
– An all new Top Ten List
– Cinema PaulieDiso is right in the action
– The BIG Lebowski Super Quiz
– Jerry hits us with another Analog Head-Trip
– Plenty of great odd tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

>

eMpTy Minds Radio #475 (02-21-2020)

In the Northland, there’s still snow on the ground and a wind that will beat you senseless, so it’s kind of tough to believe that Spring is just around the corner. BUT, it is.  Hi, friends, Mort Lawry here to remind you to plant early. With the brand new seed products from Soil Destroyer Inc, you can’t lose. Hell, plant in January if you want. It might be hard to dig, but that’s on you. Soil Destroyer makes seeds you can count on for the biggest, mutant fruits, veggies and flowers that ever grew on God’s green earth. What the fuck are you waiting for? Grab the spade and get on out in that yard. Get it done and get it done now with the help of your friends at Soil Destroyer. Now — EMR!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR ANALOG KID: JERRY

I’ve been seeing you for
_months coming to this 
_place. Now what I want to
_know is — honey, when can
_I see your face? I know 

_you’ve been hiding some-

_thing, secrets in your past.
_Whoa, baby, I’ve just got to
_know — what’s behind the
_mask? Please, baby, please,
_please, give me one quick
_glance. Now, how come I
_
can’t see your face, when I
_see what’s in your pants?
_What’s behind the mask, girl?
_What’s behind the mask?

EM NEWS
– Illegibly Ontario
– Nothing Like A Lil Tongue Action
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– So…Like…I’m Back, Eh…
– Least Known Great Writer
– Carey, Holland, Dubois
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
– An all new Top Ten List
– Cinema PaulieDiso takes it to the streets
– A Mardi Gras Quiz
– Jerry hits us with an Analog Head-Trip
– Plenty of great odd tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #474 (02-13-2020)

Let’s face it, friend — the way you fucked things up last week, there is no way you’re getting off the hook with chocolates and a card this Valentine’s Day. Hi, Gents…it’s your old pal Mort Lowry here to help you out. This Valentine’s Day give her something she really wants — Another Guy. That’s right, Another Guy…the brand new item from Enough Of This Shit Enterprises. Call up EOTSE today and get your special lady Another Guy. She will thank you for it! All orders must be placed by midnight February 12th.  Another great product from our friends at EOTSE! And now EMR, episode… What? Who gives a shit? Just listen!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & TABI

Is it you? Is it you who’s been
_orchestrated? Is it you? Is it
_you who’s born frustrated?
_Is this human freedom,
_hedonistic excess? Junkie

_consumerism, mass-pro-

_duction, toxic sickness.
_Everyone is wearing now,
_plastic masks that they hide 
_behind. Marketing massive
_sales of nothing. Everything
_is selling. Is it you? Is it you
_
who’s been orchestrated? Is
_it you? Is it you who’s born
_frustrated?

EM NEWS
– Brand New Spook-A-Saurus
– Moose Don’t Fucking Swing!
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Drats…It’s Cats
– Stream Re-Opens Case
– Kramer, Blum, Eminem
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
– An all new Top Ten List
– A bunch of Odd Valentine’s Day Tidbits
– Another pile of Shower Thoughts
– Minnesota Vice
– It’s an all nude episode of EMR
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #473 (02-07-2020)

Hi, my friends, it’s me…your old pal Mort Lawry to talk about February. February is National Snowmobile Repair & Maintenance Awareness Month.  What better time than now for you to hook up with the folks that have been fixin’ your winter toys longer than anyone?  I’m talking about Pete’s Sled Hole out on County Route 44.  At Pete’s every completed job is a work of art. Fuck…they’ll probably sign your completed sled if you ask ’em to.  Pete’s Sled Hole, Route 44. When it comes to your winter fun, don’t fuck around! Now, EMR…episode four-seven-three.

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR HAPPY BASTARD: JERRY

This fucking country’s lost its
_grip. Subconscious hold begins
_to slip. The scales of justice
_tend to tip. The legal system
_has no spine. It’s corroding 

_from inside. Slap your hand,

_you’ll do no time. Reality on
_vacation, all across a blinded 
_nation. Mentality under 
_sedation. Anyone can be
_set free on a technicality.
_Explain the law again to me.
_
Here in 1994, things are diff-
_erent than before. Violence
_is what we adore. Invitation
_to the game. Guns and blades
_
and media fame. Every day –
_more of the same.

EM NEWS
– Your Honor, Members of The Jury — Party On!
– Junk Mail. Lots of Junk Mail
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– He Wants A New Drug…One That Helps With His Ears
– Cinema PaulieDiso takes up residence
– Rock, Schreiber, Mayhew
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
– An all new Top Ten List
– A bunch of Odd Historical Tidbits
– A pile of Shower Thoughts
– Minnesota Vice
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #472 (01-31-2020)

February is right around the corner, which means Valentine’s Day is near. Are you ready? Gentlemen, your old buddy Mort Lawry here to say Fuck Flowers!  That’s right. You heard me. Fuck ’em.  They dry up, wilt away, turn into dull husks that sit on your table and remind you that you should’ve bought her a better gift. Why not hook up with pros at CumGIftery Inc? For just $49.00 they can take your freshly squozen jizz and put it into a gorgeous keepsake necklace that she will cherish for years. This year, give yourself a hand and then give her a gift she will never see cumming. Wink. Now, it’s time for that wacky assault on stupidity! eMpTy Minds Radio!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & JERRY
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: SIX/8 NATE
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE
YOUR SPECIAL GUEST: GREG

Hey there, have you heard
_about my robot friend? He’s
_metal and small and doesn’t
_judge me at all. He’s a cyber-
_wired bundle of joy — my 

_robot friend. I like to dip and

_daddle with my robot friend. 
_He’s smart as can be and 
_emotion-free. And he’s 
_computin’ his way to my heart,
_my robot friend. My robot
_friend. My robot friend. My
_robot…friend. I’m hangin’
_out in LA with my robot friend.
_We’re havin’ such fun in the
_hot, hot sun. We’re two of a
_
kind — that’s me, and my robot
_friend.

EM NEWS
– Family Room Not Part of The Attraction
– Cop Rock!
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Movie Coffin Meet Movie Nail
– Cinema PaulieDiso steps back into the shadows
– Pizzolatto, Danes, Weiss
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
– An all new Top Ten List
– A bunch of Odd Tidbits
– A sweet round of the all new EMR Movie Tagline Game
– Jerry’s Happy Note
– We chat with special guest Greg
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #471 (01-24-2020)

It’s January, and you know what that means… Frozen privates. That’s right, your own very personal genitalia numb with chill. Suffer no more, friends. Hey, it’s your old pal, Mort Lawry here to introduce you to the cure — Crotch Hot! The new genital warming product from the same people that brought you edible brussel sprouts, Grab-Ass Inc. Well…they’re not just in the high-functioning produce field anymore. No, Siree. They’ve branched out to keep your junk warm. Just tuck one of these hot pads in your boxers, briefs or panties and poof…a warm beam shoots right through you.  All we ask is that you don’t shoot back. Bah-Dum!  Check out the full Grab-Ass product line. Order your catalog today. And now, eMpTy Minded Radios, episode….uh.  Oh, who gives a shit? Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: SIX/8 NATE

You don’t look, but you kick me.
_You can’t feel, but you hit me.
_You can’t deal with the way I 
_pray. Why we all have to look
_this way? I got a heart. I got

_blood…feel pain. Time. Time

_is not on my side because the
_way I am. Got a got now. Got
_to find the reason why a 
_woman ain’t a man. Fall in
_those single file lines, like
_army ants..
.

EM NEWS
– The Drive Was A Gamble In Itself
– Pee Stairs No Work, Senor
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– …And Now They Need A Legalsmith
– Cinema PaulieDiso is innocent
– Phoenix, Jones, Hamlin
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
– An all new Top Ten List
– A bunch of Odd Tidbits
– A sweet round of Back Rockwards!
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #470 (01-17-2020)

Mort Lawry here, friends, to tell you about…What? This is a live read. Get the… You’re damn right, I’m pissed!  I’m fuckin’ leaving. Sell this shit yourself! I don’t give a fuck how much they’re paying…you don’t come walking in here on my…. And YOUR mother!  This is EMR, listen if you want…It’s episode…ahh…who gives a fuck?

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & TABI
YOUR HAPPY BASTARD: JERRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE

Stand clear! Don’t man a-talk.
_You can’t stand where I stand,
_you can’t walk where I walk.
_Watch out, we run New York!
_Police man come, we bust him

_out the park. I know this for a

_fact — you don’t like how I act.
_You claim I’m sellin’ crack, but
_you be doin’ that. I’d rather 
_say “see ya,” ’cause I would
_never be ya. Be an officer?
_You wicked overseer. Ya hot-
_shot, wanna get props and be
_a savior? First, show a little –
_change your behavior. Change
_
your attitude. Change your
_plan..
.

EM NEWS
– Soulless Legality
– Circling…Circling…Circling…BOOM!
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– The Death of Superman
– Cinema PaulieDiso is on the edge
– Eilish, King, Lee
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
– An all new Top Ten List
– A bunch of Odd Tidbits
– The EMR Initials Game…Again!
– A Jerry’s Happy Note
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #469 (1-10-2020)

Have you ever tried washing that crusty gunk out of your entry way floor mat? It’s nearly impossible. If you are like billions of others, you would nearly rather pull out your pubes than wash that mat. Hi, friends, Matt Lawry once again to tell you to go ahead and hang onto those pubes just a while longer.  The geniuses over at MatEMatics have it all figured out. Just fill a thirty-gallon drum with two gallons of Crust-No-Mo and 28 gallons of water, leave it in a warm dry place for 17 days, dump it out and voila — a clean fresh mat that you’d be happy to eat pudding off of. Don’t wait. Order your 8 gallon handy pack of Crust-No-Mo today. Now, here we go with those fuck-faces over at EMR. They have Episode four-sixty-nine coming up next.

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & JERRY
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE

This is a federal food fight.
_That means we callin’ out all
_you cooks and crooks. Oh, 
_me? My name is Humpty Hump.
_I’m the original big-nosed 

_rapper, baby. We’re about to

_sling hot food all over this 
_piece. Here we go, back in 
_the house for the 9-whatever.
_Food fight! With the bacon and
_egg sandwich..
.

EM NEWS
– ItchMart
– Secret Flying Army of Colorado
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Props To The Prop Man
– Cinema PaulieDiso chills out
– Henry, Peart, Wurtzel
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
– An all new Top Ten List
– A bunch of Odd Tidbits
– The EMR Initials Game
– 2x Jerry’s Happy Note
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #468 (01-03-2020)

It’s the first show of the new year. You may not have known that, since you still haven’t picked up a new calendar. I know…I know. You haven’t been to see the mechanic or your insurance agent in a while. And who wants to buy a calendar? I’ll tell you who – YOU, you lazy fuck! Mort Lawry here. Our friends over at Calenderz N’ Other Shit have what you need. ALL of their calendars come complete with 12 full months worth of days for you to while away! They feature pics of babes, sports, cars, whatever your fetish is…you perve! They have it all! Order yours today. Not that you know what day it is.  Now, EMR…episode four-sixty-eight.

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI

Take a ride in my VW. If I’m
_gonna go nowhere,  it might
_as well be with you. Dead fly
_on my window-screen, heat
_haze, a sky of green. Sucking

_on a lollipop stick, you could

_take the day off sick. Through
_the villages and towns, watch
_the world going ’round and 
_’round. Road atlas on your lap,
_but your navigation is crap..
.

EM NEWS
– Take Us Bah-Ah-Ah-Ack To Where You Found Us
– I’m Dipshit, Hear Me Roar!
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Cinema PaulieDiso – a rare double-feature
– Hudgens, Johnston, Mendelson
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
– An all new Top Ten List
– A bunch of Odd Tidbits
– Too Close For Comfort – An EMR Photo Game
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #467 (12-27-2019)

The New Year is just around the corner. Are you prepared? Friends, your old buddy Mort Lawry here to talk a little bit about next year. You do not know what to expect. Hurricanes, earthquakes, more Republitard bullshit, fires, famine, fucksticks…it’s all possible and conceivable.  But, until now, there has been no way to predict it.  This new product from the good people at Stuff It Industries solves the problem.  The Calculizer will tell you what will happen today. When you get out of bed, flip this little gem on and know, in advance, how your day will be. The Calculizer Pro will give you a week’s head notice and The Calculizer Pro Plus will give you thirteen solid days of advanced life info. That’s nearly two weeks. Who the fuck wouldn’t want this? Order yours today. Now, enjoy our program — The EMR 2019 Year End Wrap Up!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & TABI
YOUR HAPPY BASTARD: JERRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: SIX-8 NATE
YOUR SPECIAL GUEST: CLAMBOY

It was Christmas Eve, babe, in
_the drunk tank. An old man
_said to me “won’t see another
_one.” And then he sang a song,
_The rare old Mountain Dew. I

_turned my face away, and 

_dreamed about you. Got on a
_lucky one, came in eighteen 
_to one. I’ve got a feeling this
_year’s for me and you. So,
_happy Christmas. I love you,
_baby. I can see a better time
_when all our dreams come true
.

EM NEWS
– Late Night Robot
– Tossin’ A Cold, Outdated Law
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Cinema PaulieDiso’s Year End Review
– Hemsworth, Cameron, Scorsese
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
– An all new Top Ten List
– A bunch of Odd Tidbits
– A Best of Incorrect Theme Guesses 2019
– Clamboy’s Fish or No Fish game
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #466 – The Huge EMR Christmas Show (12-20-2019)

And here we are…just a few short days until Christmas. The excitement is palpable.  Travelling to see loved ones can be a grand time, unless you are sitting at the bus station or the airline terminal and some free-form, poorly parented, snot-nosed little cretin wipes a big fat booger on that brand new jacket, scarf or shirt. Mort Lawrey here, my friends. This has happened to most of us at one point, and let’s face it…as much as you’d like to, you can’t kill the little fucker. And if you did, you’d end up with even more stains. Introducing The Stain Assassin. Yes, it’s another fine product from the folks at WingNut Enterprises, the same folks who brought you the self-folding pantaloons. Just a spritz of The Stain Assassin and that stain is gone, I don’t care if it’s grape juice or tar. Maybe spritz a little directly on the source just to be safe. Hehe…that’s between you and me. The Stain Assassin from WingNut. Now, here’s EMR — the big stupid Christmas Spectacular or something like that. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR HAPPY BASTARD: JERRY
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI
YOUR SPECIAL GUEST: COUSIN TODD

I’m dreaming of a white Christ-
_mas, just like the ones I used
_to know. Where the tree tops
_glisten and children listen to
_hear sleigh bells in the snow.

_I’m dreaming of a white Christ-
_mas with every Christmas 
_card I write. May your days be
_merry and bright, and may all
_your Christmases be white.
_I’m dreaming of a white Christ-
_mas with every Christmas 
_card I write. May your days be
_merry and bright, and may all
_your Christmases be white
.

EM NEWS
– SantAtlantis
– Welcome to Pigeon-Hat, Nevada
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Hey, Bitch…It’s A Fucking Movie!
– Cinema PaulieDiso has a machine gun. Ho. Ho. Ho.
– Heffner, Petty, Ridley
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
– An all new Top Ten List
– Plenty of It’s A Wonderful Life Odd Tidbits
– A Holiday Jerry’s Happy Note – Florida’s Xmas Gas
– Clamboy’s Christmas Commercial Game
– We visit with Cousin Todd
– Tons of new Christmas stuff as well as EMR Christmas classics
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #465 (12-13-2019)

Just a short little squirt ’til Christmas folks. Speaking of a short li’l squirt. Ha-ha. Never mind that.  Mort Lawry here, friends. I’d like to take just a moment out of your entertainment time to talk with you about a topic that I know will hit home — centerpieces. Sure, they’re important year ’round, but never as much so as during this festive season. Can we be candid? I thought so. Do you or someone you know have a shit-ass centerpiece?  I thought so. It doesn’t need to be that way. No, Ma’am. You need to talk to the fine folks at Piece of Arts. Don’t be ashamed. They have helped thousands of one-thumbed fucks just like you with beautiful table centerpieces that the blabbermouth next door…err…umm…people will be talking about a year from now. Make your holiday table look perfect, Kitty Kat, with Piece of Arts custom centerpieces. They are as unique as you are, snowflake! Now, on with the show — EMR Episode whatever the hell it says up there. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE

Bring us out a table and spread
_it with a cloth. Bring us out a
_cheese and of your Christmas
_loaf. Love and joy come to
_you and to you your wassail

_too. And God bless you and
_send you a happy new year.
_And God send you a happy 
_new year. Here we come a-
_wassailing above the leaves
_so green. Here we come a-
_wand’ring so fair to be seen.
_Love and joy come to you and
_to you your wassail too. And 
_God bless you and send you a
_happy new year. And God send
_you a happy new year
.

EM NEWS
– Party At Hamilton Beach
– I Wanted Fucking Jelly!
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– The Talent Poachers
– Cinema PaulieDiso is taking it to the streets
– Smith, Shatner, Aiello
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
– An all new Top Ten List
– Plenty of Odd Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #464 (12-06-2019)

Happy Holidays friends, Mort Lawrey here to talk about table salt. Yes, table salt. The importance of a good table salt is overlooked. Does it really matter? Yes. Bad table salt can completely fuck up that holiday meal. That’s why you and your family should be using Sea Drool imported Danish Sea Salt. Sea Drool isn’t like that Utah crap. Sea Drool is made with the finest, pure, majestic sea salt crystals. And best of all, Sea Salt is coming to you from the fine folks at Downer Foods. The same people who introduced you to Jasper’s No-Cry Onions just last year. Pick up some Sea Drool, salt the shit out of your favorite foods and make your family proud this holiday season. Now…uh…oh yeah, those bastards at EMR. Roll it!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & TABI
YOUR TECHMASTER 5K: JERRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE

We wish you a merry Christmas.
_We wish you a merry Christmas.
_We wish you a merry Christmas,
_and a happy new year. Good 
_tidings we bring to you and 

_your kin. Good tidings for
_Christmas and a happy new 
_year. Oh…bring us some 
_figgy pudding. Oh…bring us
_some figgy pudding. Oh…
_bring us some figgy pudding,
_and bring it right here. We
_won’t go until we get some.
_We won’t go until we get some.
_We won’t go until we get some.
_We wish you a merry Christmas
_and a happy new year
.

EM NEWS
– A creepy, creepy White House Christmas
– Old Man Take A Look At My Cock
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– The Man Might Be On Fire, But He Isn’t Starting Them
– Cinema PaulieDiso remains quiet…somewhat
– Fontana, Perlman, Gobright
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
– An all new Top Ten List
– The Big December 6th Quiz
– Techin’ It Up The Ass Presents: Tech Turkeys 2019
– Plenty of Odd Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #463 (11-29-2019)

One holiday down and several to go, eh? Mort Lawrey here. Tonight, your old buddy Mort would like to make sure you are prepared for the next big holiday sweep, which is less that one month away. Presenting: Bombs Away Seasoning from the fine folks over at Spud-Fucker Industries. That’s right, the very same people who brought you the self-baking potato. With Bombs Away Seasoning, you just drop a pinch on anything and BOOM, it tastes exactly how it should. From ice-cream sundaes to steak, this shit really does work. Now, I take you to our regularly scheduled program. eMpTy Minds Radio. This is is episode four-hundred-sixty-three. Damn! That’s a lot! Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR SPECIAL GUEST: SIX-8 NATE
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI

I’ve got twelve disciples and a
_Buddha smile. The Garden of
_Allah, Viking Valhalla. A 
_miracle once in a while. I’ve
_got a pantheon of animals in 

_a pagan soul. Vishnu and Gaea
_Aztec and Maya dance around
_my Totem pole. I believe in
_what I see. I believe in what I
_hear. I believe that what I’m
_feelings changes how the
_world appears. Angels and
_demons dancing in my head. 
_Lunatics and monsters under-
_neath my bed. Media mess-
_iahs preying on my fears. Pop
_culture profits playing in my
_ears.

EM NEWS
– Donut Fakery
– Ocean’s 11-Hundred-Million
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Legal In-Depp-Titude
– Cinema PaulieDiso & a six string
– Abrams, Johnson, Hopkins
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
– An all new Top Ten List
– Junior High Notes, Dickhead!
– Plenty of Odd Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #462 Unofficial Turkey Day Show (11-22-2019)

Good evening, it’s your old buddy Mort Lawry once again. Tonight, I’d like to talk to you about your house. Do you love it? If so, go ahead and take a much needed potty break or grab another Hydrox brand cookie from the little ceramic cookie jar you keep next to the bread box.  Do you hate your house? Good. Grab a piece of paper and prepare to write down some life changing information. Our sponsors at Craptastico Realty can help. They really, really can. They can get you out of that steaming shit pile and into your dream home. And they can get you top dollar by selling that rotting turd to some other unsuspecting folk. Folks just like you were when you got sucked into that god awful pile of garbage in which you currently reside. Craptastico Realty. More on that in just a moment. Now we start our regular program – EMR Episode 462. Enjoy the fucking hell out of it. Your old pal, Mort always does!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & JERRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI

They paved paradise and put
_up a parking lot. With a pink,
_hotel, a boutique and a swing-
_ing hot spot. Don’t it always
_seem to go, that you don’t know 

_what you’ve got ’till it’s gone?
_They paved paradise and put
_up a parking lot. Late last 
_night, I heard the screen 
_door slam. And a big yellow
_taxi took away my old man.
_Don’t it always seem to go
_that you don’t know what 
_you’v got ’till it’s gone? They
_paved paradise and put up a
_parking lot
.

EM NEWS
– Mooligan’s Island
– Turkey Don’t Care ‘Bout No Mail
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Welcome To Fincher Towne
– Cinema PaulieDiso is digging deep
– Roberts, Hanks, Connick
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
– An all new Top Ten List
– The EMR Customary Turkey Day Quiz
– Jerry’s Happy Note
– Plenty of Odd Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #461 (11-15-2019)

Good evening, Friends, Mort Lawry here to share with you an insider’s secret. Ever accidentally shit your pants? Hey…who hasn’t? Even your good pal, Mort has let loose a little trouser juice on occasion. Worry about it no more. And never suffer the embarrassment of walking away from the dinner table holding your pants legs so you don’t soil the floor. Introducing Stuff N’ Go, a brand new product from those fine folks at Jelly Roll Industries. Just take one of these ultra absorbent, shit-trigger-scented towlettes and stuff it all the way up your asshole. The minute you let more than air escape your rear, the Stuff N’ Go will take care of it and properly scent the area. Take it from me…I never leave the house without first Stuffing. Now, on with our regular program…your good buddies over at EMR. This is Episode 461. Enjoy it. Won’t you?

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & TABI
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE

Follow the yellow brick road.
_Follow the yellow brick road.
_Follow the yellow brick road.
_Follow the rainbow over the
_stream. Follow the fella who

_follows a dream. Follow, 
_follow, follow, follow, follow
_the yellow brick road. We’re
_off to see The Wizard, the
_wonderful Wizard of Oz. We
_hear he is a whiz of a wiz if
_ever a wiz there was. If ever,
_oh ever, a wiz there was. The 
_Wizard of Oz is one because…
_Because, because, because, be-
_cause, because…Because of 
_the wonderful things he does
.

EM NEWS
– Gobble Gobble, Muthafuckas!
– There’s A Little Black Welt On His Arm Today
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Back From The Dead
– Cinema PaulieDiso is slumming it
– DeNiro, Mirren, Young
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
– An all new Top Ten List
– The EMR Really Strange Quiz
– Plenty of Odd Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #460 (11-08-2019)

And now a word from tonight’s sponsor — Wellton’s Flame Fucker. Friends, Mort Lawry here. If you’re like me, you hate walking outside on a cold morning and scraping your windows for what seems like an eternity. Never again. With this revolutionary invention by Wellton’s, the same people who brought you the self-cleaning sandwich, you will never spend more than five seconds on your car’s windows again. It’s the Flame Fucker. Push the button – it lights. Aim it at your windows and BLAM, snow, ice, anything that’s there is gone in a flash. I am serious folks…once you get the hang of it — five painless seconds and you are ready to drive away. It’s Wellton’s Flame Fucker, available at fine auto parts stores everywhere. Now…back to EMR. This is episode 460. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR SPECIAL GUEST: NATE

It’s early morning, the sun
_comes out. Last night was
_shaking and pretty loud. My
_cat is purring, it scratches my
_skin. So, what is wrong with

_another sin? Here I am. Rock
_you like a hurricane. Here I
_am. Rock you like a hurricane.
_The bitch is hungry, she needs
_to tell. So give her inches and
_feed her well. More days to
_come,  new places to go. I’ve
_got to leave, it’s time for a 
_show. Here I am. Rock you like
_a hurricane. Here I am. Rock 
_you like a hurricane
.

EM NEWS
– That’s A Cheap Excuse
– Ahoy There, Dipshit!
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Maybe This Will Be The Final Word
– Cinema PaulieDiso “falls” for a girl
– Momoa, DiCaprio, Cromwell
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
– An all new Top Ten List
– Even More Shower Thoughts
– We chat with special guest Nate
– Plenty of Odd Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #459 (11-01-2019)

Friends, the cold weather months were just around the corner. Now, they’re here. With cold comes illness. The dripping nose, the headaches, the shit running down your pants leg…uncontrollably…sometimes for hours. With the new Sgt. Funk Brand Sick Elixir never deal with these problems again. When the symptoms arise, just chug-a-lug the entire gallon and your problems with be over. Steve Dixon, your announcer here at the EMR Playhouse swears by Sgt. Funk Brand Sick Elixir. Don’t get fucked when you can get funked instead. Now…here’s episode #459. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: JOSHERS

I just moved in my new house
_today. Movin’ was hard, but I 
_got squared away. Bells 
_started ringin’ and chains
_rattled loud. I knew I’d moved

_in a haunted house. Still, I 
_made up in my mind to stay.
_Nothin’ was agonna drive me
_away. When I seen somethin’
_that give me the creep. Had
_one big eye and atwo big feet.
_I stood right still and I did the
_freeze. He did the stroll right
_up to me. Made a noise with 
_his feet that sound like a drum.
_Say you’ll be here when the
_mornin’ come.

EM NEWS
– Half-Life House
– We’ve Heard of Bug Bombs Before, But This Is Ridiculous
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– He Didn’t Really Need The Work
– Cinema PaulieDiso employees a working girl
– Smith, Mirren, Favreau
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
– An all new Top Ten List
– More Shower Thoughts
– Plenty of Odd Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #458 – Big Halloween Show (10-25-2019)

This Halloween don’t let the pageantry of a bunch of greedy little freaks ruin your good times. That’s right — turn off Fox News and enjoy something pleasant. Like, maybe a slasher flick. You have to admit, a dagger through the throat or an eyeball popping out is still much easier on the eyes than Sean Hannity.  If you’re not down with the slasher flick, why not try EMR? It’s fun, relevant and also not politically sickening. This is episode 458. Happy Halloween!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & JOSHERS
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI
YOUR HAPPY BASTARD: JERRY

I sit around and watch the tube,
_but nothing’s on. I change the
_channels for an hour or two.
_Twiddle my thumbs just for a
_bit. I’m sick of all the same old

_shit. In a house with unlocked
_doors and I’m fuckin’ lazy. Bite
_my lip and close my eyes. Take
_me away to paradise. I’m so  
_damn bored I’m goin’ blind and
_I smell like shit.

EM NEWS
– …But Don’t Go In The Basement
– Hauntingly Insured
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Comics vs Coppola: The Infinity War
– Cinema PaulieDiso goes missing
– Thomas, Connelly, Meyer
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
– An all new Top Ten List
– Analog Head-Trip
– The Stupidly Large EMR All Hallow’s Eve Quiz
– A Halloween call from Darryl in Beaverdale
– Minnesota Vice
– A classic EMR horror video (on Facebook)
– Tons of additional Halloween shenanigans
– Plenty of Odd Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #457 (10-18-2019)

Winter is just around the corner, my friends. Don’t wait until you are coughing up blood or lying on the floor convulsing to get that old furnace filter changed. Replace that musty, dusty, scum-cloaked filter with a brand new, fresh, cucumber scented Veggie-Filter today. That’s right the Veggie-Filter.  You don’t have to be Vegan to enjoy that garden fresh smell. Don’t fucking wait…get Veggie-Filter today. Without further adieu…EMR!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & TABI
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: JOSHERS
YOUR HAPPY BASTARD: JERRY

You know your mama and your
_daddy saying I’m no good to you.
_They call me dirty from the alley
_until I don’t know what to do. I
_get so tired of sneakin’ around 

_just to get to your back door. I
_crawled past the garbage and
_your mama jumped out screamin’
_“don’t come back no more!” I 
_can’t take it. My guitar wants to
_kill your mama…

EM NEWS
– This Storm Is A Real Dick!
– Travel Meats
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Sounds Like A Bit of A Gamble
– Cinema PaulieDiso gets creeped out
– Kravitz, Van Halen, NPH
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
– An all new Top Ten List
– A Jerry’s Happy Note – “Heatseeker”
– You Have Seen The Signs Quiz
– Plenty of Odd Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #456 (10-11-2019)

Autumn is upon us, ladies and gentlemen in the audience here tonight and those of you listening at home. And let’s be honest — they say winter is gonna be a hardship. But it doesn’t have to be with Brittle Thorn Hot Cocoa Mix. Just dump a pile out of the convenient carry-sack into your favorite mug. Add either hot water or pulverized chalk and you have yourself an absolute delight. Bold enough for the youngsters and rigid enough for the old folk. Brittle Thorn Hot Cocoa Mix — Dump Some Loving In Your Cup.  Now, back to EMR episode four-hundred-fifty-six.

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR EM NEWS CHIC: TABI
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: JOSHERS

She’s got a cigarette on each
_arm. She’s got the lily-white
_cavity crazes. She’s got a 
_carburetor tied to the moon.
_Pink eyes looking to the food

_of the ages. She’s alone in the
_new pollution. She’s alone in
_the new pollution. She’s got
_a hand on a wheel of pain. She
_can talk to the mangling 
_strangers. She can sleep in a 
_fiery bog. Throwing troubles
_to the dying embers…

EM NEWS
– Honey…Ain’t No Honey
– Snakes In A Muthafuckin’ Bag
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Avengers VS Marty
– Cinema PaulieDiso has some flashbacks
– Besson, Feige, Nicholson
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
– An all new Top Ten List
– A delightful round of Super Duper Pop Culture Quizathon
– Plenty of Odd Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #455 (10-04-2019)

My friends, summer has come to an end. Autumn is here. Are the tires on your automobile prepared for the season to come? Johnny Shoestring from Live At Shoestring’s, here to tell you about the new Road-Grabber Tires from Jolly Jizz Tire Company. The Road-Grabber doesn’t just ride over rain and snow, it cuts right through it like it wasn’t even there. Don’t unzip your pants just yet. There’s more. Every complete set of Jolly Jizz Road-Grabbers comes with a free four year balance and rotation package. That’s right…four whole years of tire service. Now you can unzip. Take it from me, Johnny Shoestring…you’ll never even look at another fucking brand of tires after you try the Road-Grabbers from Jolly Jizz Tire Company. Pick them up today, where you get serviced…uh…I mean have your vehicle serviced. Now — back to EMR, Episode 455. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & JERRY
YOUR EM NEWS CHIC: TABI
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE

Well, it’s one for the money.
_Two for the show. Three to get
_ready. Now, go cat, go. But 
_don’t you…step on my blue
_suede shoes. Well, you can 

_do anything, but stay off of 
_my blue suede shoes. Well,
_you can knock me down. Step 
_in my face. Slander my name
_all over the place. Well, do
_anything that you want to do.
_But, honey, lay off of them
_shoes.

EM NEWS
– The Lustful Highway
– The Golden Throne
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Marilyn Finds A Loving Home
– Cinema PaulieDiso doesn’t advertise
– Smith, Schwarzenegger, Hamill
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
– An all new Top Ten List
– A new Five Minute Cinema
– Trucker Jokes
– A Jerry’s Happy Note
– Minnesota Vice
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #454 (09-27-2019)

Some folks will say that all cigarettes taste the same. Friends, don’t believe ’em. All cigarettes do not taste the same. Al Reynolds here to share with you the smoke of the future — Old Dogshit 100s. Old Dogshit don’t taste like other cigarettes, because they’re not like other cigarettes. The wrapper is that which you might find in a similar class of smoke, but the heart of Old Dogshit 100s is 100% pure rolled dog shit. At Old Dogshit our cigarettes are fresh, because we believe in going from the source straight to you. That’s right — ass to mouth. Take it from your old pal, Al — Old Dogshit 100s are the fucking bomb! Now, on with our show!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & JOSHERS
YOUR ANALOG KID: JERRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE

It’s early in the morning, about
_a quarter till three. I’m sittin’
_here talkin’ with my baby, over
_cigarettes and coffee now. And
_to tell you that Darlin’ I’ve been 

_so satisfied. Honey, since I met
_you. Baby, since I met you. Oh.
_All the places that I’ve been 
_around and all the good looking
_girls I’ve met. They just don’t
_seem to fit in. Knowing this
_particularly sad, yeah. But it
_seemed to natural, darling, 
_that you and I are here. Just
_talking over cigarettes and
_
drinking coffee. Oh. Now.

EM NEWS
– Talk About Hair Loss
– Just A Bunch of Bull Jizz
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Stone Prof
– Cinema PaulieDiso on the lam
– Kravitz, Franken, Dern
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
– An all new Top Ten List
– The EMR Band Name Change Game
– A cadre of Odd Tidbits
– An all new Analog Head-Trip
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #453 (09-20-2019)

Tonight’s fantastic program has been brought to you by the makers of Buttfucker Chewing Tobacco. Hi friends and neighbors, Earl T. Clemdrik here to tell you about Buttfucker Chewing Tobacco. No other chew has such a refreshing, aromatic flavor.  It’s like sitting atop a waterfall in the Spring…while getting fucked in the butt. Yes…it’s that good! Take it from me, friends…Buttfucker Chewing Tobacco will never leave you feeling screwed…except in the ass.  Now, back to our program…EMR Episode 453. Don’t you fucking love it? I sure do.

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: JOSHERS
YOUR EM NEWS CHIC: TABI

Sitting in the classroom, think-
_ing it’s a drag. Listening to the
_teacher rap just ain’t my bag.
_The noon bell rings, you know
_that’s my cue. I’m gonna meet

_the boys on floor number two.
_Smokin’ in the boys room.
_Smokin’ in the boys room. Now
_teacher don’t you fill me up 
_with your rules. Everybody
_knows that smokin’ ain’t 
_allowed in school. Checkin’
_out the halls, makin’ sure the
_coast is clear. Lookin’ in the
_stalls — no, there ain’t nobody
_
here. Oh my buddy Fang and
_me and Paul, to get caught
_would surely be the death of
_us all.

EM NEWS
– Taco Marks The Spot
– Pigeon Shit Talker Gets Shit
– Barefoot & Donuts
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– No Matter His Age, He’s Gone
– Cinema PaulieDiso is right on track
– Olyphant, Aykroyd, Banks
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA

– An all new Top Ten List
– What They’re Made of -The EMR Snack Quiz
– A cadre of Odd Tidbits
– A Fuck Off! Rant
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #452

Burt Smelvin here with my fantastic Burt Smelvin Orchestra, coming to you live from Diddlehoo Arena in beautiful downtown Lincoln, Nebraska. I’d like to take a moment to tell you about a fascinating new product that has me all a tingle.  All new Rubba-Dub Ball Cleanser.  Ever find your sack feeling a bit greasy?  Maybe smelling a bit more like the trashcan than the flower bed? Friend, we’ve all been there. Rubba-Dub Ball Cleanser will take care of it. Nay. It will take care of you. Rubba-Dub will shine your pouch to a shimmering sheen and leave it fresh feeling every time. Next time you head out for the evening, take a minute to Rubba-Dub…you’ll thank yourself in the morning. And now, friends, back to our program — E-M-R number four-fifty-two. Hit it boys!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & TABI
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: JOSHERS
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE
YOUR HAPPY BASTARD: JERRY

Stumbling past your house,
_baby, at the break of day. I
_thought I saw your silhouette
_dancing ‘cross the shade. And
_I went down to the mission —

_I called and called your name,
_’til an angel with a face like
_yours came down and let me 
_in. I thought I saw your re-
_flection in a cigarette machine.
_In a bottle in the gutter. In a 
_window on the street. In a 
_storefront on a picture. On an
_old broken TV. I swear it was
_you staring back at me. I
_
thought I saw your reflection
_in a cigarette machine.

EM NEWS
– Burglar Approved Breakfast
– Gift Birds
– I Always Feel Like Bigfoot is
_Watching Me
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Where Would Larry Go?
– Cinema PaulieDiso is right on time
– Schwarzenegger, Trebek, Summers
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA

– An all new Top Ten List
– Too Close For Comfort (The EMR Photo Game) (pics on our FB pages)
– A cadre of Odd Tidbits
– Jerry’s Happy Note…In Time
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #451 (09-06-2019)

Ladies and gentlemen, tonight I, Gerald Dinkins along with band leader Stu Ferdinand and calendar girl Virginia Hooters would like to introduce you to a special new beverage — Ass Load Hot Cocoa Mix. Yes, that’s right Ass Load. Simply head up some milk, pour it into your special mug and then mix in three scoops of Ass Load. When your mug looks like a big old fudgey pile, you know it’s time to add the whipped-cream.  Mmm…mmm…mmm. Ass load — ask Mom to pick up some up today wherever she likes to shop. Enjoy a steaming hot mug full while listening to EMR #451. You can’t fucking go wrong, friends.  Until next week…this is Gerald Dinkins signing off.

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: JOSHERS
YOUR EM NEWS GIRL: TABI
YOUR SPECIAL GUEST: KERITH

Two cigarettes in an ashtray.
_My love and I in a small cafe.
_Then a stranger came along,
_and everything went wrong.
_Now, there’s three cigarettes

_in the ashtray. I watched her
_take him from me. And his
_love is no longer my own. 
_Now, they are gone and I sit
_alone, and watch one cigar
_ette burn away. I watched
_her take him from me. And
_his love is no longer my own.
_Now, they are gone and I
_sit alone, and watch one cig-
_arette burn away.

EM NEWS
– Jorge Goes On An Elevator Ride
– Cows…Partying ‘Til Dawn
– She Knows Cops Eat For Free
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Where Are All The Women?
– Cinema PaulieDiso is barely getting by
– Rowling, Fabrizio, Linklater
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA

– An all new Top Ten List
– Another Round of The Initials Game
– A cadre of Odd Tidbits
– Ask Wesley Willis
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #450 (08-30-2019)

Hi friends, your old Pal John Rogers here, and if you will allow me a few moments of your time, I’d like to introduce you to a revolutionary new skin care product. It’s called Shit-Oh! Yes, Shit-Oh. Just scoop a handful of this warm, turd-like substance up and slosh it onto your face. Smear it in good. Don’t be afraid to get a little in your mouth, it tastes just like yesterday’s lunch. And my wasn’t that good? Shit-Oh, it will make you feel like a million bucks. Sold in five gallon pails wherever the fuck you go. Now back to our regular program, the eMpTy Minds Radio Family Fun Hour – Episode 450. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & JERRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: JOSHERS

There was a great big moose
_who liked to drink a lot of
_juice. There was a great 
_big moose who liked to drink
_a lot of juice. Way-oh. Way-

_oh. Way-oh. Way-oh. The
_moose’ name was Fred. He
_liked to drink his juice in 
_bed. The Moose’ name was
_Fred. He liked to drink his
_juice in bed. He drank his
_juice with care, but he 
_spilled it in his hair. He 
_drank his juice with care, but
_he spilled it in his hair. Now,
_there’s a sticky moose, full of
_juice, on the loose.

EM NEWS
– Will Saw For Youth
– Comedy — Now Part of The Security Package
– I Jussssst Dropped In To Ssssssay Hi
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Family To Take Over Park
– Cinema PaulieDiso has a strange night
– Casal, McGregor, Odenkirk
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA

– An all new Top Ten List
– A Suh-Weet Round of The Initials Game
– Plenty of bad…REALLY BAD jokes
– Jerry presents Analog Head-Trip
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #449 (08-23-2019)

Good evening. Stan Newcombe here to tell you all about new advances in food subtractitives.  Yes, you’ve been hearing about food additives for years now, but I guarantee you this is the first you’re hearing of our revolutionary new products. Slimewell Foods presents – Food Subtractitives. We give you all of the food and then lessen it just a little by taking out things we don’t think you need. Sound nifty? We thought so. Well, listen up because we have a whole lot more to…<CLICK>…episode 449. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & JOSHERS
YOUR HAPPY BASTARD: JERRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI

And the sign said – long-
_haired freaky people need
_not apply. So, I tucked my
_hair up under my hat and
_I went in to ask him why. He

_said – you look like a fine
_upstanding man, I think
_you’ll do. So, I took off the
_hat. I said – imagine that…
_Huh! Me workin’ for you.  
_Sign, sign, everywhere a 
_sign. Blockin’ out the  
_scenery, breakin’ my mind.
_Do this. Don’t do that. 
_Can’t you read the sign? 
_And the sign said anybody
_caught tresspassin’ will be
_shot on sight. So, I jumped
_
the fence and a-yelled at
_the house –  what gives you
_the right to put up a fence
_to keep me out or to keep
_mother
nature in…

EM NEWS
– Even Hotter Than Sex
– I’m Sorry, Have You Seen The TSA?
– The Great Migratory Fuck You
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– We Were Kinda Fonda Him
– Cinema PaulieDiso in a blaze of glory
– McDormand, DeNiro, Thorne
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA

– An all new Top Ten List
– The EMR McGuffin Quiz
– Plenty of bad old timey jokes
– Jerry’s Random Things In History
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #448 (08-16-2019)

Hello, friends. I’m Stan Glostman, your host. I’m here, tonight, to tell you about Jizz Squirt Hand Soap. It’s so velvety and creamy and healthy, you won’t believe how good it feels on your hands. If you get a little in your mouth…who cares? Swallow it. It’s perfectly safe. Tonight’s episode of Johnny Was A Crappy Sailor has been brought to you by the Playwrong Theater and the fine folks at Jizz Squirt Hand Soap. Jizz Squirt…it just feels good.

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR GENERAL THEORIZER: JOSHERS
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI

Well, I started out down a
_dirty road. Started out…
_all alone. And the sun went 
_down, as I crossed the hill.
_And the town lit up. The 

_world got still. I’m learning
_to fly, but I ain’t got wings.
_Coming down is the hardest
_thing. Well, the good old 
_days may not return. And 
_the rocks might melt and 
_the sea may burn. I’m 
_learning to fly, but I ain’t
_got wings. Coming down
_is the hardest thing. Well, 
_some say life will beat you
_down. Break your heart.
_Steal your crown. So, I’ve
_started out for God knows
_where. Guess I’ll know
_when I get there. I’m 
_learning to fly, around the
_clouds…

EM NEWS
– This TV-Wearer Is Wearing Thin
– Action Bear!
– What Has 8 Legs And A Fucking Idiot?
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– My Big Fat Podcast!
– Cinema PaulieDiso or is it?
– Domingo, Lewis, Momoa
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We
Watched + tons
_more

ETCETERA

– An all new Top Ten List
– The Big EMR General Music Quiz
– Plenty of Quick, Bad, Dirty Jokes
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #447 (08-09-2019)

Standard of California on behalf of Independent Chevron Gas Stations and Standard Stations throughout the West invites you to “Let George Do It.” This program, “Let George Do It.” Is your stand fare, Sunday evening, family hour, light pornography. In the end you know that George will “do it” and he will “do it” well.  Don’t let the gossips in your work place out pace you come Monday morning…don’t miss “Let George Do It.” If you close your eyes, it will feel just like George is doing you.  Hey! Snap the fuck out of it! George isn’t doing shit…’cept listening to EMR episode 4-4-7. Don’t you think you ought to be doing the same? Yeah. You should.

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & TABI
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE
YOUR GENERAL THEORIZER: JOSHERS

Why is it me? This is not my
_day. I burned myself with
_coffee and my brand new 
_doggy ran away. How can it
_be? I can’t not believe. I 

_don’t have any money and I
_have to pay the bills today.
_I wish that I could run away.
_My self esteem is low. At
_losing, I’m a pro. But there’s
_one thing that I know. It’d 
_all be good, if I could just
_stay home. What should I do?
_He told me “I hate you!” I
_don’t know where to live 
_next year and my guitar
_won’t stay in tune. Where
_should I go? I am so all 
_alone. I broke my new
_computer and nobody
_calls me on the phone. I
_wish I weren’t so
_accident prone.

EM NEWS
– Like Father, Not Enough Like Daughter
– One Man’s Trash…
– An Unfortunate Connection
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Manhattan Legal Mystery
– Cinema PaulieDiso takes the law into its own hands
– Morrison, Chapman, Clausen
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We
Watched + tons
_more

ETCETERA

– An all new Top Ten List
– Odd Tidbits: The Quiz
– Plenty of Pirate Jokes
– So much more, your head will spin!

/strong>

eMpTy Minds Radio #446 (08-02-2019)

An hour of painless education, under President Jack Smokey, Professor Saul Goodman and his swing band, and Doctor George Stoli and his orchestra. Tonight, the Smokey Campus welcomes the world famous humorist and comedian, Robert Blechey. You’ll also meet Snooty Garment, Aw Shucks and Spamlee,  and the Smokey College Glee Club, directed by Myers Bananrama. OR you could listen this, the latest episode of EMR. Your call, listener. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & JOSHERS
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE
YOUR HAPPY BASTARD: JERRY

So, drop your pebble in the
_main stream. Start a ripple
_it will buzz you. Like a 
_tweak on your nipple, tickle
_your sensibility. Speak just a

_little. Your words have 
_enough weight to turn rock
_to metal
.

EM NEWS
– Cheeseburger Attempts Pot Dumpster Getaway
– Hoverboards Don’t Work On Water…Unless You’ve Got Power!
– Joey Chestnut Is A Pig, But Not As Smart
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– The Old Hollywood Switcharoo
– Cinema PaulieDiso ponders the end of civilization
– Prince, Remini, Griffin
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We
Watched + tons
_more

ETCETERA

– An all new Top Ten List
– Jerry’s Happy Note (In Time)
– The Fucking Initials Game…again
– Plenty of Odd Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

/strong>

eMpTy Minds Radio #445 (07-26-2019)

Well sir, it’s late afternoon as we enter the small house half-way up in the next block now, and here in the living room we discover Mrs. Victor Gook and young Mr. Rush Gook. Young Mr. Rush Gook – who arrived home from school just a moment ago – still wears his hat and overcoat, and he regards his mother, who is sparkling with excitement. She’s been listening to the latest EMR and finds that it makes her more informed, more hip and more cool.  Shouldn’t you be as cool as Mrs. Gook?  This is #445. Enjoy the coolness

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & JERRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE
YOUR CHIEF THEORIZER: JOSHERS

Here I am and within the
_reach of my hands. She’s
_sound asleep and she’s 
_sweeter now than the wild-
_est dream could have seen

_her. And I watcher her slip-
_ping away. Though I know
_I’ll be hunting high and low.
_High. There’s no end to the
_lengths I’ll go to. Hunting
_high and low. High. There’s
_no end to the lengths I’ll go
_to.

EM NEWS
– Growl, Step, Step, Growl
– Most Likely To Come Unprepared
– Dating Is The Bomb
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– The Last Movie Star
– Cinema PaulieDiso’s rise to fame
– Watts, Lollobrigida, Cameron
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We
Watched + tons
_more

ETCETERA

– An all new Top Ten List
– Jerry’s Happy Note x2
– The Fucking Initials Game
– Plenty of Odd Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #444 (07-19-2019)

Another one! Another diner from the stars has, apparently, crash-landed to earth.  Where are all of these classic American dining cars coming from? We don’t know. It’s as if aliens we’re infiltrating earth’s population, making off with abandoned dining cars and then for reasons unbeknownst they are dropping them back to earth. Will you receive answers to this dilemma in episode 443? Probably not, but you’ll have a damn good time not figuring things out. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR EM-NEWS GIRL: TABI
YOUR CHIEF THEORIZER: JOSHERS

Break into the diners at mid-
_night. Every light is out but
_the moonlight. Miss me at 
_the table as you hobble on.
_Pretend I’m the one that you

_still love. Play another song
_for your black heart. Put
_another coin in that juke-
_box. Dance along to all of
_the sad George Jones. Cry,
_cry, cry. Where are you now?
_Where have you been? Why
_do I waste, waste, waste all
_the love that you lend?

EM NEWS
– Number One Fan
– The Southern Atomic
_Whisky Snake
– I Saguaro I Didn’t See It,
_Officer
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Dead Actress’ Jewelry Makes Film
_Debut
– The Good, The Bad, The Theater
_Tech
– Mirren, Munn, Hamilton
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We
Watched + tons
_more

ETCETERA

– Cinema PaulieDiso is looking too
– An all new Top Ten List
– Theoretical Meltdown w/ Joshers
– Plenty of Odd Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #443 (07-12-2019)

Another one! Another diner from the stars has, apparently, crash-landed to earth.  Where are all of these classic American dining cars coming from? We don’t know. It’s as if aliens we’re infiltrating earth’s population, making off with abandoned dining cars and then for reasons unbeknownst they are dropping them back to earth. Will you receive answers to this dilemma in episode 443? Probably not, but you’ll have a damn good time not figuring things out. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & JOSHERS
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE

I am sitting, in the morning,
_at the diner on the corner. I
_am waiting at the counter for
_the man to pour the coffee.
_And he fills it only halfway 

_and before I even argue, he
_is looking out the window at
_somebody coming in. It is
_always nice to see you says
_the man behind the counter
_to the woman who has come
_in. She is shaking her um-
_brella, and I look the other
_way as they are kissing
_their hellos
.

EM NEWS
– The Museum Is Just Shit
– Birdman or The Unexpected
_Virtue of Fucking Idiocy
– Death In The Fast Lane
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Pow! You’re Under Arrest

– And Just Like That…She’s Back

– Torn, Franklin, Cortese
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We
Watched + tons
_more

ETCETERA

– Cinema PaulieDiso dives into the mysterious
– An all new Top Ten List
– Theoretical Meltdown w/ Joshers
– Plenty of Odd Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #442 (07-05-2019)

The wind howling outside my lonely home is my only companion. All else is quiet here as I sit by my window in the parlor writing this document for the scientific world. Be warned you doctors and scientists who come after me; be warned that man must not experiment with the secrets of life. However, dealing with the not-so-secretive, growing level of stupidity in this world. That must be placed in check. That’s where we come in. EMR…to the rescue. This heroic episode is #442. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & TABI
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE
YOUR SPECIAL DELIVERY: JOSHERS

They sat in an abandoned
_luncheonette, sipping imagin-
_ary cola and drawing faces in
_the table-top dust. His voice
_was rusty from years as a 

_sergeant in this man’s army. 
_They were old and crusty. 
_She was 20 when the diner 

_was a baby. He was the dish-
_washer, busy in the back,
_his hands covered with gravy.
_Hair black and wavy. Brilliant-
_ine slick, a pot-cleaning
_dandy. He was young and
_randy
.

EM NEWS
– Super Hive Mentality
– The Bovine Serenade
– Detecting Incoming Swarm
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– I Mean, What’s The Brother Gonna
_Do? He’s A Filmmaker
– Come In Here, Dear Boy, Buy A
_Guitar…
– Crowe, Pitt, Jackman
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We
Watched + tons
_more

ETCETERA

– Cinema PaulieDiso holds the salute
– An all new Top Ten List
– Inappropriate Story Time (FB pics)
– Plenty of Odd Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #441 (06-28-2019)

Each week at this time, WOR-Mutual turns the spotlight on one of the world’s great detectives of fiction and invites you to listen to the story of his most exciting case. Tonight, Madame Rosika Storey in “The Scrap of Lace.” He pulled at the scrap of lace with his teeth…and she moaned. Oh god! Sorry. We got all sucked up into that lace thing. Whew. If you want something every bit as provocative, but just a bit less sexual, we present to you — EMR episode #441. Dig it!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & JERRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE
YOUR EMR GIRL: TABI
YOUR SPECIAL DELIVERY: JOSHERS

When I get to the bottom, I go
_back to the top of the slide.
_Where I stop and I turn and I
_go for a ride. Til I get to the
_bottom and I see you again.

_Do, don’t you want me to 
_love you? I’m comin’ down fast,
_but I’m miles above you. Tell

_me. tell me, tell me. Come on,
_tell me the answer. Well, you
_may be a lover, but you ain’t
_no dancer. Helter Skelter,
_Helter Skelter, Helter Skelter.
_Look out! Helter Skelter,
_Helter Skelter
.

EM NEWS
– Mind Bogglingly Shitty Music Sparks Good Cause
– Pikachu And The Claw of Death
– Dykstra Denture Dumpster Diver
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– The LACMA Opposition Component

– Where Do We Go Now?

– Dorian, Dunleavy, Cooke
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA

– Cinema PaulieDiso drops the bag
– An all new Top Ten List
– Jerry’s Happy Note
– Too Close For Comfort – The EMR Photo Game (FB page)
– Plenty of Odd Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #440 (06-21-2019)

Each Monday, Wednesday and Friday, Campbell’s Tomato Juice brings you a brand new radio program developed from the most popular feature of your favorite magazines — the short short story. Each one complete in itself; modern, dramatic, and entertaining. A thrilling , different story each Monday, Wednesday and Friday, brought to you at this time by Campbell’s Tomato Juice. Today’s story, “Good Salesman,” is complete bullshit! Everybody knows there isn’t a good salesman. Fuck that tomato soup jazz and listen, instead, to something god damned good. This is EMR episode #440. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR EMR GIRL: TABI
YOUR SPECIAL GUEST: JOSHERS

Chewing out a rhythm on my
_bubble gum, the sun is out and
_I want some. It’s not hard, not
_far to reach, we can hitch a
_ride to Rockaway Beach. Up on

_the roof, out on the street, 
_down in the playground; the 
_hot concrete, bus ride is too

_slow, they blast out the disco
_on the radio. Rock, rock, Rock-
_away Beach. Rock, rock, Rock-
_away Beach. Rock, rock, Rock-
_away Beach. We can hitch a
_ride to Rockaway Beach. It’s
_not hard, not far to reach, we
_can hitch a ride to Rockaway
_Beach. Chewing out a rhythm 
_on my bubblegum, the sun is
_
out and I want some. It’s not
_hard, not far to reach, we can
_hitch a ride to Rockaway Beach.


EM NEWS
– The Age Old Carey, Currie, Casey Fuck Up
– It’s Sort of A…A…Sharp Pain
– This Is Something That Samuel L. Jackson Is Motherfucking Sick of
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Hey, Hey, Hey…It’s Lecture Time

– Record Hero Worship

– Costner, Monroe,Thorne
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA

– Cinema PaulieDiso goes back into the sink
– An all new Top Ten List
– New Minnesota State Fair Foods – 2019 Edition
– Tabitha chats gardening
– Plenty of Odd Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #439 (06-14-2019)

Hi. You know, there’s an old saying, never look a gift horse in the mouth. With tongue in cheek I now write me a new saying; never look a gift blonde in the eyes. She was blonde ’cause her hair told me so. That was the only proof I had. She didn’t walk, she insinuated. She was from New Orleans and her name was Lou and believe me, brother, Lou was no lady. When I saw her I said to myself, I dig this babe. She almost dug me too…right into a grave. YeeeeGad! Nothing like that happens on EMR, but we do get plenty crazy. Why not check out this episode? It’s 4-3-9 and it promises to be solid. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: JERRY
YOUR SPECIAL GUEST: TABITHA

My makeup is dry and it cracks
_’round my chin. I’m drowing
_my sorrows in whiskey and gin.
_The lion-tamer’s whip doesn’t
_crack anymore. The lions. 

_they won’t fight and the tigers
_won’t roar. So, let’s all drink
_to the death of a clown. Won’t 

_someone help me to break up
_this crown? Let’s all drink to
_the death of a clown. Let’s all
_drink to the death of a clown.
_The old fortune teller lies
_dead on the floor. Nobody
_needs fortunes told anymore.
_The trainer of insects is
_crouched on his knees and
_frantically looking for run-

_away flees.


EM NEWS
– I Want My Fucking Lobster Roll…KAW!
– Taco Cops, How May We Help You, Dumb Fuck?
– Cracker Is A Crack Cracker
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Mikey vs Stevie

– Neverending Stairway

– Greenwood, Murray, Pine
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA

– Cinema PaulieDiso doubles down on the kitchen sink
– An all new Top Ten List
– Jerry’s Happy Note
– Back Rockwards!
– We chat with guest Tabitha
– Plenty of Odd Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #438 (06-07-2019)

The police whistle and the siren bring again for your entertainment one of the secret cases of the National Surety Company. Tonight’s story is based on a residence burglary that baffled detective Harkness until he became perplexed over an incidental phase of the case. But the detective will explain all this himself. Detective Harkness is an asshole, but he does have good taste in podcasts. Namely, this one — EMR. He’s listening to EMR four-thirty-eight right now. Don’t you think you should be? Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & JERRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE
YOUR SPECIAL GUEST: JOSH

The job is done and I go out,
_another boring day. I leave it
_all behind me now, so many
_worlds away. I meet my girl,
_she’s dressed to kill, and all 

_we gonna do… Is walk 
_around to catch the thrill on 
_streets we call the zoo. We 

_eat the night, we drink the
_time — make our dreams
_come true. And hungry eyes
_are passing by on streets we
_call the zoo. And hungry eyes
_are passing by on streets we
_call the zoo
.

EM NEWS
– The Healthiest WalCake Yet
– Car Not 2 Go
– A Really Big Fucking Table
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Dude, Like…I’m Not Lonely

– Fuck Georgia!

– Depardieu, Cage, Walsh
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA

– Cinema PaulieDiso forms a triangle
– An all new Top Ten List
– Jerry’s Techin’ It Up The Ass
– Random Wacky Trivia
– Plenty of Odd Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #437 (05-31-2019)

Ladies and gentlemen, the element of suspense is so vital to our story tonight, that our sponsors, the makers of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer, are omitting their usual commercial message during the intermission between the acts so that our play will go uninterrupted from spooky start to spooky finish. Therefore, let’s give Ken Roberts his forty-five second opportunity right now to extol the merits of that blended, splendid, eh, Ken? Ken? Kennnnn? Ken is apparently listening to EMR episode 437 right now and we don’t want to disturb him. Why don’t you give it a listen?

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & PAULIE
YOUR HAPPY BASTARD: JERRY

I woke up this morning with a
_bad hangover. And my penis
_was missing again. This happens
_all the time — it’s detachable.
_This comes in handy a lot of the

_time. I can leave it home when
_I think it’s gonna get me in 
_trouble. Or I can rent it out 

_when I don’t need it. But now
_and then I go to a party, get
_drunk and the next morning I
_can’t, for the life of me, re-
_member what I did with it.
_First I looked around my apart-
_ment and couldn’t find it..
.

EM NEWS
– Tikis Thumb Nose At Your Nose
_Thumbing
– Hello, My Name Is Dipshit
– Jerkoff Dad Stole Cookie Dough
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Harrelson Receives New Recognition

– Japanese Chinese Film Relations

– Caridi, Trebek, Ford
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We
Watched + tons
_more

ETCETERA

– Cinema PaulieDiso gets creepy
– An all new Top Ten List
– Jerry’s Happy Note
– Tom’s Vegas & LA Picture Cavalcade
– Plenty of Odd Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #436 From Hollywood (05-23-2019)

A ridiculously special version of EMR tonight, kids! We are doing this show from a studio on Sunset Boulevard in Hollywood. A big show from La-La-Land. We hope you enjoy the fuck out of it. We know we did!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & GARRY
YOUR PHONE-IN GUEST: PAULIE
YOUR SPECIAL GUEST: DARK MARK

Little ghost, little ghost…one
_I’m scared of the most, can you
_scare me up a little bit of love?
_I’m the only one who sees you,
_and I can’t do much to please

_you, and it’s not yet time to 
_meet the Lord above. The 
_first woman that I met her, I

_did not expect to ‘spect her. 
_When I shook her hand, I
_really shook a glove. She
_looked into me so sweetly, and
_we left the room discreetly. No
_one else could know the secret
_of our love. Little ghost, little
_ghost…one I’m scared of the
_most, can you scare me up a
_little bit of love? I’m the only
_one who sees you and I can’t
_do much to please you and it’s
_not yet time to meet the lord
_above
.

EM NEWS (All The Local Hollywood Shit)
– A cadre of sorted SoCal stuff

MENTALTAINMENT
– An all new Cinema PaulieDiso
– Birthdays
+ tons more
ETCETERA
– An all new Top Ten List
– Dark Mark in for the whole show
– Thanks to Charlie & Dark Mark!
– So much more, your head will spin!