eMpTy Minds Radio #505 (09-18-2020)

Hi friends. I don’t know what to say to you tonight. Mostly, because I have just stuffed my mouth with the most delicious fried pork egg rolls on this planet!  Forbidden Palace pork egg rolls to be exact.  Mort Lawry here to tell you — if you find yourself in Los Angeles, The City of Angels, in the 1940s, be sure to check out Forbidden Palace…you’ll be god damned glad you did, Time Traveller.  Now, enjoy a little something that is time-less. EMR! This is five-hundred-zero-five.

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR EM MUSIC-MAN: 6/8 NATE
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI
YOUR SO-CAL UPDATE: COL. NYLEN
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: BEN

There’s some Polynesian dive,
_down wind from the Badlands.
_The Palace at 4am. We kicked
_through the diamond dust. 
_Halfway between Vancouver
_and the bingo game that made
_the man. Kicking around in
_the promised land. Just one
_flick of the wrist, one flick of
_the wrist and look, look, look…
_We’re in the Palace at 4am.
_When a daydream threw the
_covers. Back, back, back, back.
_Back before you saw the ribbon
_tied around your bomb. When
_you were kicking hearts around.
_The Palace at 4am...


EM NEWS
– Nothing To See Here, Folks
– Ice, Ice, Baby
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Cinema PaulieDiso is on the edge
– The Battle For Drum God Rages On
– Hibbert, Madonna, Cody
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
An all new Top Ten List
– We speak with Colonel Nylen from LA (The City of Angels)
– The Great Big Board Game Quiz
– Plenty of Odd Tidbits
– The Super Summer Soda Smackdown (semi-finals – round one)
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #504 (09-11-2020)

Are you still using a fork? Gosh.  And a spoon too? Eegad!  Friend, you are never going to get anywhere in life with that love of flatware. It’s time to open your minds to the world of eating with wood or bamboo. That’s right, good ol’ pals — the chopstick.  Chopsticks — the utensil for those who aren’t a bunch of drooling dipshits. Mort Lawry saying — Chopsticks, get yours today. Now for EMR Episode number five-zero-four. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR ANALOG KID: JERRY
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI
YOUR SO-CAL UPDATE: COL. NYLEN
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: BEN

I eat with chopsticks. Can you
_eat with chopsticks? Just pick
_up your chopsticks and I’ll 
_teach you how. Some people
_use chopsticks; they always
_use chopsticks. So, try out
_your chopsticks right now.
_Two little sticks; they’re made
_out of wood, and they help
_you to pick up your lunch.
_Your lunch. And if you practice,
_then you’d get good and you’ll
_find you can pick up a bunch
_to munch. Eat noodles with
_chopsticks. Eat dumplings with
_chopsticks. Eat sushi with
_chopsticks...


EM NEWS
– Slithering Welcome Committee
– Lost Money Looking For Good Home
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Cinema PaulieDiso hanging on by a thread
– The Day…The Music…Was Saved
– Grohl, Hudson, Parker
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
An all new Top Ten List
– We speak with Colonel Nylen (not tonight)
– The Famous Names Game
– Plenty of great odd tidbits
– The Super Summer Soda Smackdown (semi-finals NEXT week)
– An all new Analog Head-Trip
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #503 (09-04-2020)

Chinese food. Yes, friends, Chinese food…the staple of any Chinese meal. I could talk all night about spring rolls and other exotic delicacies, but there’s no reason. All you have to do is head on down to the King Joy Lo and experience for yourself. From the tantalizing appetizers to the hearty, authentic main dishes, you can’t go wrong at the King Joy Lo. This is Mort Lawry saying — Take my fuckin’ word for it! Enjoy some delicious ethnic dishes and then enjoy EMR, Episode 503!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR ANALOG KID: JERRY
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI
YOUR SO-CAL UPDATE: COL. NYLEN
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: BEN

The chow chow-mein is great
_for lunch and Orange Kitten
_sure packs a punch. The 
_flavor you can’t knock. This
_Asian food rocks. You need to
_go get some Chinese Wok. 
_Labrador retrieve me some
_Chinese Wok. All the best
_food is made from dog. Eating
_pussy — it’s great Chinese Wok.
_Come to this dinner, it’s just
_like Tongchuan. Spread butter
_on Beagles. Try Shangri-Poodles
_with a side of Pit Bull. The
_food is a bitch. The taste is so
_rich, that you won’t care if it’s
_mastiff...


EM NEWS
– The Bear Necessities…of Life
– Would You Like Muscles With That?
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Cinema PaulieDiso is seeing red
– Let The Drum War Begin!
– Wilson, Quaid, Boseman
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
An all new Top Ten List
– We speak with Colonel Nylen from his current SoCal location
– EMR’s Shit From The Pages of Comics
– Plenty of great odd tidbits
– The Super Summer Soda Smackdown (round four)
– An all new Analog Head-Trip
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #502 (08-28-2020)

Tonight, Mort Lawry, is on vacation. And being the only people here are the junky janitor and an overnight camera crew that hasn’t heard of the word sobriety or the word shower, we are going to have to skip the regular advertisement that would fill this spot. Enjoy EMR episode 502!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: 6/8 NATE
YOUR SO-CAL UPDATE: COL. NYLEN

Everybody loves a nut. The
_whole world loves a weirdo.
_Brains are in a rut, but every- 
_body loves a nut. There was
_a hermit named Fred who 
_kept the dead horse in his
_cave. And everyone said to
_Fred. how come you keep
_a dead horse in your cave?
_and he said, well…brains
_are in a rut, but everybody
_loves a nut. A Columbian
_man named Frank had a
_tiger named Hank. He tried
_to put Hank in his tank.
_Guess what happened to ole
_Frank? When they picked up
_the teets there and eyeballs.
_And erected a tombstone that
_read. Another Columbian
_fella told Queen Isabella – I
_don’t think the world is flat.
_And now what do you think
_about that? And she said – you
_don’t? And he said – no ma’am.
_And she said – he’d get out of
_my queendom...


EM NEWS
– I Hope That Someone Gets My…
– War Goats
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Cinema PaulieDiso deserves rights too
– Spielberg, Hart, Polanski
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
An all new Top Ten List
– We speak with Colonel Nylen from his current SoCal location
– Stoner Thoughts
– Plenty of great odd tidbits
– The Super Summer Soda Smackdown (round three)
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #501 (08-21-2020)

Mort Lawry here, tonight, with a serious question. Did you catch the 500th episode of EMR? I did and let me tell you — it was good. Damn good. In fact, it was so good…I really don’t know what they could do next. I’m not expecting much out of this episode 501, to be honest. I am suffering a severe case of the 500 blues. Well, maybe they can do it.  Let’s hope. Here’s your EMR crew with Episode number five-zero-one. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR ANALOG KID: JERRY
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI
YOUR SO-CAL UPDATE: COL. NYLEN
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: BEN

Five little King Cake babies
_planning to escape. One 
_jumped up and ran away. 
_Mama called the baker, and 
_the baker said — No more
_King Cake babies planning
_to escape. Four little King
_Cake babies planning to
_escape. Mama called the
_baker, and the baker said —
_No more King Cake babies
_planning to escape. Three
_little King Cake babies
_planning to escape. Mama
_called the baker, and the
_baker said — No more King
_Cake babies planning to
_escape. Two little King Cake
_babies planning to escape.
_Mama called the baker, and
_the baker said — No more
_King Cake babies planning to
_escape. One little King Cake
_baby planning to escape.
_Mama called the baker. The
_baker said..
.

EM NEWS
– Walkin’ In A Chocolate Wonderland
– Let’s Have Some Ice Cream For Dinner
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Cinema PaulieDiso soars
– Reinhart, Kennedy, Martin
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
An all new Top Ten List
– We speak with Colonel Nylen from the SoCal Desert Compound
– Jerry has a new Analog Head-Trip
– The Urban Legends Quiz
– Plenty of great odd tidbits ARE missing from this episode
– The Super Summer Soda Smackdown
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #500 – The Biggest Show Yet (08-14-2020)

Hey kids, it’s Mort Lawry. If you are expecting me to say something witty here or maybe snarky, advertising some bizarre product…stuff it! I took the night off to listen to this — EMR Episode #500, and you should too!  It’s BIG!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR ANALOG KID: JERRY
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI
YOUR SO-CAL UPDATE: COL. NYLEN
YOUR EM GUITARISTA: 6/8 NATE
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: BEN
YOUR SPECIAL GUEST: COUSIN TODD
YOUR EM CLAM: CLAMBOY

We’re a well known Glasgow
_Football team. We don’t 
_play in blue. We don’t play
_in green. Red and yellow are 
_the colors we love. The 
_colors of The Patrick Thistle 
_Football Club. By the way,
_we don’t fear anyone at any
_time, anywhere. So, fly the
_flags of the Firhill Jags and
_follow them everywhere.

EM NEWS
– Smile For The Camera, Chair
– Let’s Have A Sleepover
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Cinema PaulieDiso goes for a sled-ride
– Smith, Simms, Robinson
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
An all new Top Ten List
– 6/8 Nate plays 3 songs for us live, including an EMR exclusive
– We speak with Colonel Nylen from the SoCal Desert Compound
– Jerry has a new Analog Head-Trip
– The Big EMR EMR Quiz
– A huge, beautiful 5 Minute Cinema Production
– Plenty of great odd tidbits
– The Super Summer Soda Smackdown
– Lots of 500 fun!
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #499 (08-07-2020)

Hey kids, it’s your old buddy Mort Lawry. Spring time is in the air, and… Wait a god-damned second. Who wrote this? Spring is in the air? Summer is practically over, you fuckin’ numb skulls!  New copy what? New copy is on its way? Who gives a shit about that? I quit…again.  Listen to EMR and have a great fucking night. I’m out of here!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI
YOUR SO-CAL UPDATE: COL. NYLEN
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: BEN

I was gonna clean my room
_until I got high. I was gonna
_get up and find the broom,
_but then I got high. My room
_is still messed up and I know
_why. Because I got high, 
_because I got high. Because
_I got high. I was gonna go to
_class before I got high. I
_coulda cheated and I coulda
_passed, but then I got high.

EM NEWS
– Holy Slithering Swirly, Batman!
– Man Pig Bacon
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Young Is Sick of This Asshole, And He’s Not Alone
– Cinema PaulieDiso swept up in Mania
– Shearer, Rubio, Cash
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
An all new Top Ten List
– A bunch o’ new Shower Thoughts
– We speak with Colonel Nylen from the SoCal Desert Compound
– Plenty of great odd tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #498 (07-31-2020)

Ashtrays. Is there a size or shape they don’t come in?  Hmmm…you don’t see many rhombus trays at your local AshMart now do you?  Wrong.  Hi buddies, it’s good ol’ Mort Lawry here to let you in on a little secret…AshMart. AshMart has rhombus ashtrays and any other shape you can imagine. Shape, size, functionality…whatever you need they have it. Fuck! They even have a cozy little spot to sit and smoke and a great selection of sticks to smoke on. Don’t miss out on the action of rhombus! Visit AshMart today. Now, how’s ’bout you listen to my good friends at EMR?  Good plan. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR ANALOG KID: JERRY
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI
YOUR SO-CAL UPDATE: COL. NYLEN
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: BEN
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: 6/8 NATE

About that time a Taurus
_zoomed around the curve.
_Driver havin’ him a smoke.
_Finished it, then out the
_window it flew. The butt
_landed at my toe and I 
_thought — “to you, all the
_world’s an ashtray.” But
_you should keep it to your-
_self. All the world’s an ash-
_tray…

EM NEWS
– Electronic Origami
– Ghostly Manor
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– The Clock Is TikToking
– Cinema PaulieDiso goes for the gold
– Beck, Costner, Reed
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
An all new Top Ten List
– The Big Lush Quiz of Booze
– Jerry’s Happy Note
– We speak with Colonel Nylen from the SoCal Desert Compound
– Plenty of great odd tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #497 (07-24-2020)

Have you ever been sitting in a comfortable chair, next to a beautiful ashtray, a pack of Tommy Bahamas cedar matches in your hand and thought to yourself, “What the fuck am I missing? Oh yeah…the cigar.”  Don’t let this happen to you. Hi friends, Mort Lawry here to tell you about Cigars Right Now.  Sign up with Cigars Right Now today and the next time you find yourself without a fine smoke, all you have to do is think about it and it will be. It’s that easy. In fact, you don’t even really have to go to the website to sign up. Have you already thought about it? Cool. Then it’s already done. You will be billed monthly. Isn’t supernatural fun? Now, here’s something bizarre — eMpTy Minds Radio. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI
YOUR SO-CAL UPDATE: COL. NYLEN
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: BEN

Embers in the ashtray glow
_like memories that won’t
_let go. I’m out here trying
_to get untangled, in the
_darkness at the edge of 
_town. A little lost, a little
_found, waiting on a call
_from an angel. I light up
_the night and let it burn.
_Lean back and watch the
_sundown fade…

EM NEWS
– Welcome To Screamville
– Knock. Knock. Anybody Home?
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– ICM, Apparently, Progressive
– Cinema PaulieDiso cuts a deal
– Rhodes, Schiff, Franklin
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
An all new Top Ten List
– The World’s Most Boring Quiz — Don’t Miss It!
– We speak with Colonel Nylen from the SoCal Desert Compound
– Plenty of great odd tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #496 (07-17-2020)

Morty Lawry here to tell you that there is no better place to smoke a cigar than at a table that was designed and built for the sole purpose of pleasurably smoking a cigar. It’s handsome, stylish, and well-crafted. It lights up, has a built-in ashtray, trash receptacle and that other thing, whatever the fuck it does. It also has lids, so when you’re done…poof, your mess is hidden. How the hell does that sound? Pretty damn alright, right?  Get your fancy, art-deco, cigar, lamp table today…wherever fancy, art-deco, cigar, lamp tables are sold. Now, it’s eMpTy Minds Radio, kiddies!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI
YOUR SO-CAL UPDATE: COL. NYLEN
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: BEN
YOUR HAPPY BASTARD: JERRY

Would you sew my mesen-
_teric together? Wonder 
_smoke inside of my pul-
_monary. Indigo to go with
_the fire inner. I can take
_a match to you. Watcher
_try. And you take another
_hit, breath in tight. And
_you try a little bit all
_your life. For a light of
_bloody spit, wave good-
_bye. Killer, maker, roller,
_breaker — like a red in
_an ashtray. Killer, maker,
_roller, breaker — like a
_
red in an ashtray. Red in
_an ashtray.


EM NEWS
– Murder In Barbie Land
– Officer Patty Reporting For Doody
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Dirty Dancing — Now Moist Again
– Cinema PaulieDiso goes home
– Gunn, Thomas, Baskin
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
An all new Top Ten List
– A tasty round of ‘Know Your Cuts of Meat’
– Jerry’s Happy Note
– We speak with Colonel Nylen & “others” from the SoCal Desert Compound
– Plenty of great odd tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #495 (07-10-2020)

Hi there, friends, it’s your good buddy Mort Lawry here. I’ve got something for you to ponder. Do you remember quality? Take a moment and think. Do you remember it? You do. Don’t you? You can clearly remember a time before everything was a complete and utter pile of fucking shit. It’s not hard if you try. A lovely Art Deco ashtray can take you back to those good old days. Days of quality. Days when some random stranger prick didn’t give you the stink eye for lighting up. Yes, Art Deco ashtrays. Buy yours today.  Now, enjoy something else that will take you back to a better time or at very least a higher spot in your brain’s activity…it’s eMpTy Minds Radio. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI
YOUR SO-CAL UPDATE: COL. NYLEN
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: 6/8 NATE
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: BEN
YOUR SPECIAL GUEST: JOSHERS

There are songs you can never
_remember. There are songs
_you can’t forget. There are
_people always forgiving. Has
_Heaven forgiven me yet? 
_Just like stars, strays and 
_ashtrays, they called you
_her own.


EM NEWS
– The Chicken’s Day Out
– Now That’s A Knife
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– The Day More Music Died
– Cinema PaulieDiso meets a new friend
– Elba, Brewster, Carey
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
An all new Top Ten List
– ‘Too Close For Comfort’ – The EMR Photo Game (pics on FB)
– We speak with Colonel Nylen & “others” from the SoCal Desert Compound
– Plenty of great odd tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #494 (07-03-2020)

Do you need an elegant place to rest and eventually snuff out that old cancer stick? Look no further than Battuto Art Deco Ashtrays. There are literally seven to choose from and no matter your choice, you will not be disappointed. Trust your old pal Mort Lawry just as you’ve done for years. Would I ever steer you fuckers wrong? Not a chance. Battuto Art Deco Ashtrays. Don’t be a dick!  Now, it’s time for some eMpTy Minds Radio.

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR HAPPY BASTARD: JERRY
YOUR SO-CAL UPDATE: COL. NYLEN
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: BEN

Out of the ashtray, into the
_ashtray, out of the ashtray.
_There’s nothing living, 
_there’s nothing given. Week-
_ender’s vision turns to work-
_ing shoes. There’s nothing
_living, there’s nothing
_given. Weekender puts on
_his working suit
.

EM NEWS
– Bacon On The Loose
– Sausage On Demand
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Pesky Streaming Service Thinks You’re Rich
– Cinema PaulieDiso is losing it
– David, Prine, Smith
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
An all new Top Ten List
– Big Boom! The EMR Fireworks Quiz
– We speak with Colonel Nylen & “others” from the SoCal Desert Compound
– Jerry’s Happy Note
– Plenty of great odd tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #493 (06-26-2020)

Whoaaaaaaaaa. That shit is beautiful, man. Hahahaha. Oh fuck…Mort Lawry here for Mellow Mushroom. Yeah, it’s the only mushroom for your buddy Mort. Damn…the colors, baby. It’s all like fuck…..and check out that EMR show…it’s soooooo gooooood and shiny. — drop signal —

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR HAPPY BASTARD: JERRY
YOUR SO-CAL UPDATE: COL. NYLEN
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: BEN
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: 6/8 NATE

You better wise up and get
_good at networking. Or you’re
_never gonna add up to any-
_thing. But I just love pizza so
_much, I’m choosing it instead
_of spending every moment,
_trying to get ahead
.

EM NEWS
– Topless Hero
– Extra Special Toppings
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Theater What’s What Amid Endless Virus Stupidity
– Cinema PaulieDiso can’t see past the legs
– Jeremy, Grande, Chaplin
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
An all new Top Ten List
– The Big Fat EMR Radio Quiz
– We speak to Colonel Nylen & Nygel on the road in SoCal
– Jerry’s Happy Note
– Plenty of great odd tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #492 (06-19-2020)

This space is normally reserved for Mort Lawry’s ad copy. Mort is, apparently, on the lam. We believe it’s just a temporary thing. So, without sponsorship, this is EMR episode four-hundred-ninety-two. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI
YOUR EM SOCAL UPDATE: COL. NYLEN
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: BEN
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: 6/8 NATE

Pizza Party!  If you got a blunt,
_then we can get high. If you
_wanna come, then pick up the
_phone. Don’t get caught with
_a wack calzone. Pizza Party!
_Hey, yo, Tony, where’d you
_get that fresh pepperoni?
_Your toppings are ill, but
_your cheese is holy. Only
_order one slice when you’re
_feeling lonely. Cause the
_sausage tastes like stale
_bologna…

EM NEWS
– Blowup Doll Soap Opera
– Weed: To Good Home
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Ed Goes Digital
– Cinema PaulieDiso is turning green
– Crowe, Kimmel, Goffin
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
An all new Top Ten List
– Yet another exciting round of The Fabulous Initials Game
– We speak to Colonel Nylen from his SoCal desert bunker
– Plenty of great odd tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #491 (06-12-2020)

Hey gang, Mort Lawry here to tell you about Pinky’s Pizza.  If you think that sign is the bee’s knees, just wait til you get a load of their piping hot waitress…errr…ummm…pizza. It’s the best fucking slice you will have, this side of heaven. Trust your buddy Mort, Pinky’s is definitely the pie you want. Now, some EMR. It’s episode four…four…whatever it says at the top of the page. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: BEN

One slice lights up my life, hot &
_fresh at any time. I attack like an
_animal, delicious and casual.
_Please can you go out and get me
_some? P, I want some, I-Z-Z-A. I
_wanna get my little greasy hands
_on some. P, I want some, I-Z-Z-A.
_Please will you cook me up some
_of that delicious P-I-Z-Z-A?


EM NEWS
– Creepy Music From Land’s End
– Ocean of Snot
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Mad Jaffee Folds Up Shop
– Cinema PaulieDiso doin’ some scalpin’
– Cena, Dries, Clark
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
An all new Top Ten List
– Another exciting round of The Fabulous Initials Game
– Plenty of great odd tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #490 (06-05-2020)

Hey, kiddies, it’s your old buddy Mort Lawry here. I took a month off for some Back To The Future nonsense, but I am back to tell you about the bomb-diggity-doo of Pizzas. Its Angelo’s Pizza Parlor. Yeah, sure the sign says family dining, but show up with a ho. Hell, you might even get a discount. That’s how good this shit is! Angelo’s…if you eat another pizza, you’re an asshole! Now, it’s time for EMR.  It’s been so long since I have been here, I have no fucking idea what episode it is..but enjoy it just the same!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR HAPPY BASTARD: JERRY
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: BEN
YOUR SPECIAL GUEST: COLONEL NYLEN

Sunday morning – needs for
_pizza. It’s just the cheese chilling
_in my mind. Eating Pizza, Sunday
_morning…nothing’s wasted here.
_Just left behind. It’s out. It’s on
_the counter. You’ll be so glad you
_found another slice. You’re eating
_it twice. Half of it’s gone, into my
_mouth. I was so hungry. Now I am
_full. I ate it for a little while. I only
_ate the part with cheese. Nom, nom,
_nom. Have a bite of crust. Nom, nom,
_nom. Have a bite of crust. Nom, nom,
_nom. Have a bite of crust. Have a bite
_of…a bite of crust. Have a bite of
_crust.


EM NEWS
– Primate Hemo Thief
– Wrong Bondage Locale
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Celebs Jump On The Cause-Wagon
– Cinema PaulieDiso gets hooked
– Pope, Abrams, Capps
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
An all new Top Ten List
– An exciting round of The Fabulous Initials Game
We talk George Floyd + Tom’s pics from the memorial (on our FB page)
– Jerry’s Happy Note (LIVE – Jerry’s back!)
– We talk with Colonel Nylen from his SoCal desert bunker

– Plenty of great odd tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #489 (05-29-2020)

Welcome to the Cafe 80s, where always morning in America, even in the afternoo-noo-noon. You might want to go with our Fajita Tortilla Pita. It’s got a hot salsa, avocados, cilantro mixed with your choice of beans, chicken, bee-bee-beef or pork. No. You must have the hot chicken special!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR HAPPY BASTARD: JERRY
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: BEN
YOUR SPECIAL GUEST: COLONEL NYLEN

We searched all through the night.
_I couldn’t find it. You couldn’t
_find it. I knew something wasn’t
_right. I couldn’t find it. You
_couldn’t find it. And they say —

_Heaven is one step away. Heaven
_is one step away.

EM NEWS
– Residential Bigfoot
– Der Alligator Starb
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Japanimation Firestarter Busted
– Cinema PaulieDiso back in the shadows
– Rowling, Cobb, Fallon
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
An all new Top Ten List
– The Classic Arcade Quiz
We talk about the George Floyd murder & aftermath
– Jerry’s Happy Note
– We talk with Colonel Nylen from his SoCal desert bunker

– Plenty of great odd tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #488 (05-22-2020)

Save the clock tower. Save the clock tower. Mayor Wilson is sponsoring an initiative to replace that clock. Thirty years ago, lightning struck that clock tower and the clock hasn’t run since. We at the Hill Valley Preservation Society think it should be preserved exactly the way it is as part of our history and heritage.

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & TABI
YOUR HAPPY BASTARD: JERRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE
YOUR SPECIAL GUEST: BEN

I got a bad complication, I keep
_it to myself. I got some strange
_information, I can’t think of
_nothin’ else. These must be 
_about a million single ways to

_go down. ‘Cause I’m a lonely
_stranger in this time bomb 
_town. Oh, I’m a lonely 
_traveler in this time bomb
_town
.

EM NEWS
– Fucking Soccer!
– The Power & The Itchy Bum
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Who Is Pink Floyd?
– Cinema PaulieDiso is searching low & high
– Rose, Kirchherr, Piccoli
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
An all new Top Ten List
– The Big Fucking Donut Quiz
– Jerry’s Happy Note
– Plenty of great odd tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #487 (05-15-2020)

Do you have a strong need for shit? Call D. Jones Manure today. We will deliver what ever you need and we won’t cause a stink about it, either. From five cubic feet of the ripe stuff to five cubic miles, we literally have you covered at D. Jones. We are conveniently located just west of Hill Valley. Call us today or stop in. Hope to smell…err…see you soon.

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR HAPPY BASTARD: JERRY
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI
YOUR EM CALL IN: COL. NYLEN
YOUR SPECIAL GUEST: BEN

Road trippin’ with my two favor-
_ite allies. Fully loaded – we got
_snacks and supplies. It’s time to
_leave this town. It’s time to 
_steal away. Let’s go get lost, any-

_where in the USA. Let’s go get
_lost. Let’s go get lost. Blue, you
_sit so pretty west of The One.
_Sparkles light with yellow icing,
_just a mirror for the sun. Just
_a mirror for the sun. Just a 
_mirror for the sun. These 
_smiling eyes are just a mirror
_for…

EM NEWS
– Idiocy Revisited
– Yeah…That’s It, Reward The Little Bastard
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– They Claim They Like Freedom. Hmm…Interesting
– Cinema PaulieDiso – is looking for players
– Adams, Horn, Penniman
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
An all new Top Ten List
– The Big EMR Pizza Party Quiz
– Minnesota Vice

– Jerry’s Happy Note
– Colonel Nylen calls in from his Yucca Bunker with an update
– Plenty of great odd tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #486 (05-08-2020)

October is inventory time. So, right now, Statler Toyota is making the best deals of the year on all 1985 model Toyota’s. You won’t find a better car at a better price with better service anywhere in Hill Valley. That’s Statler Toyota in downtown Hill Valley. Remember, EMR prices are only good til the end of the month.  And now eMpTy Minds Radio number four-hudred-eighty-six. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & JERRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI
YOUR EM CALL IN: COL. NYLEN
YOUR SPECIAL GUEST: BEN

I got shot through a space not
_long ago, I thought I knew the
_place so well. It wasn’t the same,
_now it goes to show — sometime
_you never can tell. I’m lookin’

_high and low, don’t know where
_to go. I’ve got to double back,
_my friend. The only way to find
_what I left behind. I’ve got to
_double back again.

EM NEWS
– Pull, Over, My Finger!
– Juvenile Car Thief
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Estate of The Dead Still Very Much Alive
– Cinema PaulieDiso – a rare double-feature
– Kerr, Powell, Pressburger
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
– An all new Top Ten List
– The Coca Cola Quiz
– Jerry’s Happy Note
– Colonel Nylen calls in from his Yucca Bunker with an update
– Plenty of great odd tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

>

eMpTy Minds Radio #485 (05-01-2020)

Did you just spill an entire bag of Raisinettes into the couch?  Jar of popcorn kernels not quite make it to the stove? Bag of trail mix down your pants? Mort Lawry here, friends, to tell you about the Dustbuster. This li’l bitch can clean up everything. Seriously.  You spill it, Dustbuster will slurp it right up like a $2 hooker on a Bangkok Sunday morning. You might find yourself spilling shit just to put this Dust-busting magic to the test. Don’t be the last in your neighborhood to pick one up. Available at fine retailers and some not-so-fine retailers everywhere. Now, it’s time for eMpTy Minds Radio episode four-million-something or…four-thousand. I don’t know. Just listen, damnit!

 

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & TABI
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE
YOUR HAPPY PHONE-IN: JERRY
YOUR EM CALL IN: COL. NYLEN
YOUR SPECIAL GUEST: BEN

Tell me, Doctor, where are we
_going this time? Is this the 50s
_or 1999? All I wanted to do was
_play my guitar and sing. So, take
_me away, I don’t mind. But you

_better promise me I’ll be back
_in time. Gotta get back in time.
_Don’t bet your future on one
_roll of the dice. Better re-
_member, lightning never strikes
_twice. Please don’t drive 88, 
_don’t wanna be late again. So, 
_take me away, I don’t mind.
_But you better promise me I’ll
_be back in time. Gotta get back
_in time.

EM NEWS
– Garage Shitter!
– The Scratch Mark Left Across The Surface of Your Mind
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– A Universal Disagreement
– Cinema PaulieDiso goes pimpin’
– Lohan, Khan, Cervone
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
– An all new Top Ten List
– They Were In This Band Game
– Jerry’s Happy Note X2
– Comedy Spotlight — Ben
– Colonel Nylen calls in from his Yucca Bunker with an update
– Plenty of great odd tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

>

eMpTy Minds Radio #484 (04-24-2020)

Are you a sculptor? Probably not. Do you look at ornate designs carved in wood and wish you could make those? Probably.  Well, wish no more my friends. Introducing — chisels. All you need is a set of good chisels and about 20 years of chiseling under your belt and you too can make ornate designs in wood…unless you are a total fucking idiot. Your old buddy Mort Lawry here to say — Why don’t you buy some chisels today?  Now, back to those fuckers at EMR!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI
YOUR HAPPY PHONE-IN: JERRY
YOUR EM CALL IN: COL. NYLEN
YOUR SPECIAL GUEST: BEN

Once I was a caprenter, man my
_hands were calloused. I could
_swing a metal mallet sure and
_straight. But I took to the high-
_way, a poet young and hungry.

_And I left the timbers rotting
_where they lay. Sometimes I
_hit. Sometimes it robs me blind.
_Sometimes I hit. Sometimes it

_robs me blind.

EM NEWS
– Donkey Show
– Banksy Is A Rat Bastard
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– I Don’t Like It…So, Nobody Should See It
– Cinema PaulieDiso is babysitting
– Seacrest, Sarandos, Nelson
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
– An all new Top Ten List
– The Big EMR Band Name Change Game
– Jerry’s Happy Note – Stimulate Me
– Colonel Nylen calls in from his Yucca Bunker with an update
– Plenty of great odd tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

>

eMpTy Minds Radio #483 (04-17-2020)

Ever thought to yourself — “Hey! I can build one of those”?  Well, I am here to tell you that you can’t.  It’s your old buddy Mort Lawry, and sometimes old buddies have to usher in the tough love. See, my friend, builders build. They don’t have to say shit like “hey I can build one of those,” because they know they can and so does everyone who knows them. That’s the way it’s been for the ages. That in mind and the personal honesty sinking in, why don’t you pull out your handy-dandy phone book and give our pals over at Fuck Yeah! a call?  At Fuck Yeah! they can and will build it for you. Can they? Fuck Yeah! Will they? Fuck Yeah! Give ’em a holler and they’ll have a Fuck Yeah! Builder to your place in no time, building all of that shit that, let’s be honest, you can’t. Don’t wait. Call today. Now, how about some EMR? I’m excited as shit!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & TABI
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE
YOUR EM CALL IN: COL. NYLEN
YOUR SPECIAL GUEST: BEN

Grandpa was a carpenter, he
_built houses, stores and banks.
_Chain-smoked Camel cigar-
_ettes and hammered nails into
_planks. He was level on the 

_level and shaved even every
_door. And voted for Eisen-
_hower, ’cause Lincoln won the
_war. Grandpa was a carpenter,

_he built houses, stores and 
_banks..
.

EM NEWS
– Beer Before I Die, Pleeeeeeeeeease!
– ‘Scuse Me, I’m Looking For Bah-ah-ah-ah-cardi
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Historical Readery Saved
– Cinema PaulieDiso takes vows
– Trebek, Turtletaub, Newton
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
– An all new Top Ten List
– The Return of Cognitive Biases
– Colonel Nylen calls in from his Yucca Bunker with an update
– Plenty of great odd tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

>

eMpTy Minds Radio #482 (04-10-2020)

Do you like to saw stuff, but hate cleaning up the sawdust? You’re not alone. Recent polls indicate that over five billion people feel the same way as you. There’s good news, friend. Your old buddy Mort Lawry to tell you all about the new DustFucker, portable, automatic, antiseptic, vegan, organic sawdust cleaner from our good friends as SawToof Industries. Just sit this little bastard in the corner of your garage and forget about it. The next time you saw something and make a mess…forget about that too. Go ahead! Go get dinner, go bowling, go to the movies, when you come home your garage will be clean, you will have to do a double-take just to make sure your in the right fucking garage. The DustFucker…your new best friend. Sorry, Dogs.  Now, onto the main course — EMR episode 482. Enjoy the shit out of it, you media hungry bastards!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI
YOUR EM CALL IN: COL. NYLEN
YOUR SPECIAL GUEST: BEN

Well, if you could have married
_a king’s daughter there, I’m 
_sure you’re the one to blame.
_For I am married to a house
_carpenter, and I’m sure he’s a

_fine young man. Forsake,

_forsake your house carpenter
_and come away with me
.

EM NEWS
– The Running Madman
– He’s A Bucketman, Burning Out His Fuse Up There Alone
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– His Talent Is His Kindness
– Cinema PaulieDiso takes a gamble
– Prine, Zumthor, Klein
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
– An all new Top Ten List
– A Great Big Monopoly Quiz
– An all new Minnesota Vice
– Colonel Nylen calls in from his Yucca Bunker with an update
– Plenty of great odd tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

>

eMpTy Minds Radio #481 (04-03-2020)

Chop. Chop Chop. Saw. Saw. Saw. Oh…hi there, friends, it’s the old wood-worker himself, Mort Lawry. I was just humming a sweet tune as I stain this redwood deck. Say, are you looking for the perfect instrument to get all of those planks smooth as silk? Look no further than the Sorby Planer. This bitch is about 130 years old and it will get the job done. No outlet? No fucking problem, baby…Sorby has you covered. Pick your Sorby Planer up today!  Now, time to listen to our pals over at EMR. I believe this is episode #481. Enjoy! Chop. Chop. Chop. Saw. Saw. Saw. Dooty-dooty-doo…

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & TABI
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE
YOUR EM CALL IN: COL. NYLEN
YOUR SPECIAL GUEST: BEN

Sugartown has turned so sour.
_It’s people angry in their sleep.
_There’s more small town para-
_noia sweeping down its evil
_sheets. You better give me a 

_chance, I’ll cut you down with

_a glance. Yeah, with my small
_axe, so help me. And tho I’m
_only one. And tho weak, I’m
_strong. And if it comes to the
_crunch, then I’m the wood-
_cutter’s son.

EM NEWS
– The Old Squash & Capture Trick
– In The Name of The Father, The Son & The Fluffy Bunny Ears
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– He’ll Save Every One of Us…But Not Financially
– Cinema PaulieDiso is on the lam
– Stern, Somers, O’Neal
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
– An all new Top Ten List
– The Initials Game
– Special Call-In – An LA Update from Colonel Nylen
– Plenty of great odd tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

>

eMpTy Minds Radio #480 (03-27-2020)

Spring is here, folks, and you know what that means don’t you? Time to put on a fancy coat with long-tails, grab a walking stick, your shiniest top hat and for no reason whatsoever, a monocle. So, you can walk down the street and strut your stuff.  And that’s just the dog. I ain’t even started talking about you yet. HA-HA-HA. It’s your dear friend Mort Lawry. What I’m getting at, compadre’s is it’s time for Snooty Cigarettes. Yes, Snooty Cigarettes. In the classy blue package. You can’t beat Snooty for smoothness, refreshingness, tastiness and yes…snootiness. What the fuck are you waiting for? Pick up a pack today, at your local retailer. Now, time for a little EMR episode four-eight-zero. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI
YOUR SPECIAL GUEST: BEN

Now, I’m a fellow with a heart
_of gold. With the ways of a 
_gentleman, I’ve been told. A
_kind of a fellow that wouldn’t
_even harm a flea. But if me 

_and a certain character met,

_that guy that invented the
_cigarette, I’d murder that son
_of a gun in the first degree. It
_ain’t that I don’t smoke, myself.
_And I don’t reckon they’ll injure
_your health. I’ve smoked ’em
_
all my life and I ain’t dead yet.
_But nicotine slaves are all the
_same, at a pheasant party or a
_poker game. Everything’ gotta

_stop when they have that
_cigarette.

EM NEWS
– The 8th, Less Respected, Samurai
– Nose Candy Hippos
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– And Just Like That…It Was Published
– Cinema PaulieDiso is two-timin’
– Uderzo, Rogers, Weissberg
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
– An all new Top Ten List
– New Segment “Think About It”
– Special guest Ben hangs out
– Plenty of great odd tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

>

eMpTy Minds Radio #479 (03-20-2020)

I’m being followed by a Dream Castle. Dream Castle. Dream Castle. Skippin’ and hoppin’ on a Dream Castle…Oh shit. Didn’t know we were on the air. You caught me humming to myself. Hi friends, Mort Lawry here. Maybe that wasn’t very professional, but at least you caught me humming the right tune. Dream Castle. That’s right Dream Castle Cigarettes. Never has there been a smoke so smooth, so creamy, so perfect. Sooooo Dreamy. Dream Castle CIgarettes — you’ll never even see the cancer coming.  Now, your friends and mine at EMR. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & TABI
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE

You throw me in a pan, you
_cook me in a can, you stretch
_me with your hands. You love
_to watch me bake, you serve
_me up with cake, and that’s

_your big mistake. Your guest

_comes in dressed smart. You
_offer a la carte. You didn’t
_have the heart. You left me
_burned and seared. You left
_me ripped and teared. And
_older than my years. I should
_
known at first that you would
_leave me hurt. You had to try
_dessert. I wish I could say that
_everyone was wrong
. I wish
_everyone was wrong.

EM NEWS
– No Swimming In The Heavy Water. No Singing In The Acid Rain
– Uncalled For Tech Regulations
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Villain Doesn’t Like Being Portrayed As Villain
– Cinema PaulieDiso doubles down on Bethnal Green
– Waggoner, Whitman, Zeppelin
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
– An all new Top Ten List
– Minnesota Vice
– The Super Duper Bingo Quiz
– Plenty of great odd tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

>

eMpTy Minds Radio #478 (03-13-2020)

Hey friends, it’s your good buddy Mort Lawry here to tell you about Clown Cigarettes. Despite the name, you won’t look like a joker when you smoke Clown. Clown will make you look like a sophisticate. They will make you look cool. They will make you feel cool. And if they don’t make her do a double-take on you, fuck the bitch…she doesn’t deserve you. That’s right, Clown Cigarettes for the three ring circus of life. Now, EMR.

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR HAPPY BASTARD: JERRY

Cigareetes, whusky & wild,
_wild women – they’ll drive 
_you crazy. They’ll drive you 
_insane. Cigareetes, whusky &
_wild, wild women – they’ll

_drive you crazy. They’ll drive

_you insane. Once I was happy
_and had a good wife. I had
_enough money to last me for
_life. I met with a girl and we
_went on a spree. She taught
_me to smoke and to drink
_
whiskey. Cigareetes, whusky
_& wild, wild women – they’ll
_drive you crazy. They’ll drive
_you insane
.

EM NEWS
– View Askew
– One Hell of A Public Works Department
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Litigated!
– Cinema PaulieDiso is in the game
– von Sydow, Parton, King
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
– An all new Top Ten List
– Friday The 13th Memes (on our FB pages)
– Jerry’s Happy Note
– Friday The 13th Quiz
– Plenty of great odd tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

>

eMpTy Minds Radio #477 (03-06-2020)

I was just talkin’ with the boys back stage and boy is tonight’s message exciting: Wack It! That’s right gentlemen, don’t waste another minute — just wack it.  Hi, friends. Mort Lawry here to tell you about the new lightweight bat and ball set from Fuckitall Entertainment. You can trust this fine lightweight ball and bat, because it was brought to you by the same people who introduced you to S.C.A.B.A. (the self-contained-above-water-breathing-apparatus) just two short years ago. Crack that ball so hard you break a window in the next town over. The best part? Nobody will ever know, because it doesn’t make a fucking sound. Not even a little peep. The Lightweight Bat & Ball Set. Don’t be a dickhead, get yours today. Now, eMpTy Minds Radio number…oh I don’t remember. Just listen to the god-damned thing!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & TABI
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE

Well, it’s wet. It’s all broken
_and wet. But, I take what I
_get. I got a crooked cigarette.
_Well, she left. She left me
_with a hell of a debt. But no

_sweat. I got a crooked cigar-

_ette. When it’s busted by the
_filter, there’s a trick that I 
_found. You break it on apart,
_then you turn it around. You
_slide it in easy, then you
_twist it in tight. Hey, buddy,
_
got a light? Well, I’m full.
_Full of that malt liquor bull.
_But I’m set. I got a crooked
_cigarette. Well, it’s wet. It’s
_all broken and wet. But, I
_
take what I get. I got a
_crooked cigarette.

EM NEWS
– Intercontinental Ballistic Pancakes
– Run For The Border…of Stupidity
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– You’re A Good Man, Trebek
– Cinema PaulieDiso is caught in the crossfire
– Sandler, Lipton, Corman
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
– An all new Top Ten List
– More of those delightful Shower Thoughts
– Plenty of great odd tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

>

eMpTy Minds Radio #476 (02-28-2020)

It’s hard to believe when next we meet it will already be March. But it’s true. Hi, old friends, it’s your buddy Mort Lawry here to remind you it’s never too late. You might be thinking “Too late for what, Mort?”  That’s because nothing gets by you, you sly dog. My reply — anything. It’s never too late for anything. A new product from the good people at Procrastination Industries. Why waste your time on that damned thing today when tomorrow will be another fine opportunity to skip it once again? You can’t skip it tomorrow if it’s already done, right? Bingo. You’re a smart motherfucker!  Give Procrastination Industries a call right now for your free catalog. Or don’t. See if I give a shit. Now, onto our regularly scheduled program — eMpTy Minds Radio.

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & JERRY
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: SIX/8 NATE

They call me Cuban Pete,
_I’m the king of the Rumba
_beat. When I play the mar-
_acas, I go chic-chic-ky-boom,
_chic-chic-ky-boom. Yes, sir,

_I’m Cuban Pete, I’m the 

_craze of my native street.
_When I start to dance, every-
_thing goes chic-chic-ky-boom,
_chic-chic-ky-boom. The
_senoritas they sing and they
_swing with terampero, It’s
_
very nice! So full of spice!
_And when they dance in
_they bring a happy ring, that
_era keros…

EM NEWS
– Leaning…No Less
– Scrot-Vaulting
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– What Not To Visit
– A Slightly Less Guarded Albeit Maligned Netflix
– Culkin, Roback, Cooper
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
– An all new Top Ten List
– Cinema PaulieDiso is right in the action
– The BIG Lebowski Super Quiz
– Jerry hits us with another Analog Head-Trip
– Plenty of great odd tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

>

eMpTy Minds Radio #475 (02-21-2020)

In the Northland, there’s still snow on the ground and a wind that will beat you senseless, so it’s kind of tough to believe that Spring is just around the corner. BUT, it is.  Hi, friends, Mort Lawry here to remind you to plant early. With the brand new seed products from Soil Destroyer Inc, you can’t lose. Hell, plant in January if you want. It might be hard to dig, but that’s on you. Soil Destroyer makes seeds you can count on for the biggest, mutant fruits, veggies and flowers that ever grew on God’s green earth. What the fuck are you waiting for? Grab the spade and get on out in that yard. Get it done and get it done now with the help of your friends at Soil Destroyer. Now — EMR!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR ANALOG KID: JERRY

I’ve been seeing you for
_months coming to this 
_place. Now what I want to
_know is — honey, when can
_I see your face? I know 

_you’ve been hiding some-

_thing, secrets in your past.
_Whoa, baby, I’ve just got to
_know — what’s behind the
_mask? Please, baby, please,
_please, give me one quick
_glance. Now, how come I
_
can’t see your face, when I
_see what’s in your pants?
_What’s behind the mask, girl?
_What’s behind the mask?

EM NEWS
– Illegibly Ontario
– Nothing Like A Lil Tongue Action
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– So…Like…I’m Back, Eh…
– Least Known Great Writer
– Carey, Holland, Dubois
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
– An all new Top Ten List
– Cinema PaulieDiso takes it to the streets
– A Mardi Gras Quiz
– Jerry hits us with an Analog Head-Trip
– Plenty of great odd tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #474 (02-13-2020)

Let’s face it, friend — the way you fucked things up last week, there is no way you’re getting off the hook with chocolates and a card this Valentine’s Day. Hi, Gents…it’s your old pal Mort Lowry here to help you out. This Valentine’s Day give her something she really wants — Another Guy. That’s right, Another Guy…the brand new item from Enough Of This Shit Enterprises. Call up EOTSE today and get your special lady Another Guy. She will thank you for it! All orders must be placed by midnight February 12th.  Another great product from our friends at EOTSE! And now EMR, episode… What? Who gives a shit? Just listen!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & TABI

Is it you? Is it you who’s been
_orchestrated? Is it you? Is it
_you who’s born frustrated?
_Is this human freedom,
_hedonistic excess? Junkie

_consumerism, mass-pro-

_duction, toxic sickness.
_Everyone is wearing now,
_plastic masks that they hide 
_behind. Marketing massive
_sales of nothing. Everything
_is selling. Is it you? Is it you
_
who’s been orchestrated? Is
_it you? Is it you who’s born
_frustrated?

EM NEWS
– Brand New Spook-A-Saurus
– Moose Don’t Fucking Swing!
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Drats…It’s Cats
– Stream Re-Opens Case
– Kramer, Blum, Eminem
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
– An all new Top Ten List
– A bunch of Odd Valentine’s Day Tidbits
– Another pile of Shower Thoughts
– Minnesota Vice
– It’s an all nude episode of EMR
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #473 (02-07-2020)

Hi, my friends, it’s me…your old pal Mort Lawry to talk about February. February is National Snowmobile Repair & Maintenance Awareness Month.  What better time than now for you to hook up with the folks that have been fixin’ your winter toys longer than anyone?  I’m talking about Pete’s Sled Hole out on County Route 44.  At Pete’s every completed job is a work of art. Fuck…they’ll probably sign your completed sled if you ask ’em to.  Pete’s Sled Hole, Route 44. When it comes to your winter fun, don’t fuck around! Now, EMR…episode four-seven-three.

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR HAPPY BASTARD: JERRY

This fucking country’s lost its
_grip. Subconscious hold begins
_to slip. The scales of justice
_tend to tip. The legal system
_has no spine. It’s corroding 

_from inside. Slap your hand,

_you’ll do no time. Reality on
_vacation, all across a blinded 
_nation. Mentality under 
_sedation. Anyone can be
_set free on a technicality.
_Explain the law again to me.
_
Here in 1994, things are diff-
_erent than before. Violence
_is what we adore. Invitation
_to the game. Guns and blades
_
and media fame. Every day –
_more of the same.

EM NEWS
– Your Honor, Members of The Jury — Party On!
– Junk Mail. Lots of Junk Mail
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– He Wants A New Drug…One That Helps With His Ears
– Cinema PaulieDiso takes up residence
– Rock, Schreiber, Mayhew
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
– An all new Top Ten List
– A bunch of Odd Historical Tidbits
– A pile of Shower Thoughts
– Minnesota Vice
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #472 (01-31-2020)

February is right around the corner, which means Valentine’s Day is near. Are you ready? Gentlemen, your old buddy Mort Lawry here to say Fuck Flowers!  That’s right. You heard me. Fuck ’em.  They dry up, wilt away, turn into dull husks that sit on your table and remind you that you should’ve bought her a better gift. Why not hook up with pros at CumGIftery Inc? For just $49.00 they can take your freshly squozen jizz and put it into a gorgeous keepsake necklace that she will cherish for years. This year, give yourself a hand and then give her a gift she will never see cumming. Wink. Now, it’s time for that wacky assault on stupidity! eMpTy Minds Radio!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & JERRY
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: SIX/8 NATE
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE
YOUR SPECIAL GUEST: GREG

Hey there, have you heard
_about my robot friend? He’s
_metal and small and doesn’t
_judge me at all. He’s a cyber-
_wired bundle of joy — my 

_robot friend. I like to dip and

_daddle with my robot friend. 
_He’s smart as can be and 
_emotion-free. And he’s 
_computin’ his way to my heart,
_my robot friend. My robot
_friend. My robot friend. My
_robot…friend. I’m hangin’
_out in LA with my robot friend.
_We’re havin’ such fun in the
_hot, hot sun. We’re two of a
_
kind — that’s me, and my robot
_friend.

EM NEWS
– Family Room Not Part of The Attraction
– Cop Rock!
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Movie Coffin Meet Movie Nail
– Cinema PaulieDiso steps back into the shadows
– Pizzolatto, Danes, Weiss
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
– An all new Top Ten List
– A bunch of Odd Tidbits
– A sweet round of the all new EMR Movie Tagline Game
– Jerry’s Happy Note
– We chat with special guest Greg
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #471 (01-24-2020)

It’s January, and you know what that means… Frozen privates. That’s right, your own very personal genitalia numb with chill. Suffer no more, friends. Hey, it’s your old pal, Mort Lawry here to introduce you to the cure — Crotch Hot! The new genital warming product from the same people that brought you edible brussel sprouts, Grab-Ass Inc. Well…they’re not just in the high-functioning produce field anymore. No, Siree. They’ve branched out to keep your junk warm. Just tuck one of these hot pads in your boxers, briefs or panties and poof…a warm beam shoots right through you.  All we ask is that you don’t shoot back. Bah-Dum!  Check out the full Grab-Ass product line. Order your catalog today. And now, eMpTy Minded Radios, episode….uh.  Oh, who gives a shit? Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: SIX/8 NATE

You don’t look, but you kick me.
_You can’t feel, but you hit me.
_You can’t deal with the way I 
_pray. Why we all have to look
_this way? I got a heart. I got

_blood…feel pain. Time. Time

_is not on my side because the
_way I am. Got a got now. Got
_to find the reason why a 
_woman ain’t a man. Fall in
_those single file lines, like
_army ants..
.

EM NEWS
– The Drive Was A Gamble In Itself
– Pee Stairs No Work, Senor
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– …And Now They Need A Legalsmith
– Cinema PaulieDiso is innocent
– Phoenix, Jones, Hamlin
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
– An all new Top Ten List
– A bunch of Odd Tidbits
– A sweet round of Back Rockwards!
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #470 (01-17-2020)

Mort Lawry here, friends, to tell you about…What? This is a live read. Get the… You’re damn right, I’m pissed!  I’m fuckin’ leaving. Sell this shit yourself! I don’t give a fuck how much they’re paying…you don’t come walking in here on my…. And YOUR mother!  This is EMR, listen if you want…It’s episode…ahh…who gives a fuck?

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & TABI
YOUR HAPPY BASTARD: JERRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE

Stand clear! Don’t man a-talk.
_You can’t stand where I stand,
_you can’t walk where I walk.
_Watch out, we run New York!
_Police man come, we bust him

_out the park. I know this for a

_fact — you don’t like how I act.
_You claim I’m sellin’ crack, but
_you be doin’ that. I’d rather 
_say “see ya,” ’cause I would
_never be ya. Be an officer?
_You wicked overseer. Ya hot-
_shot, wanna get props and be
_a savior? First, show a little –
_change your behavior. Change
_
your attitude. Change your
_plan..
.

EM NEWS
– Soulless Legality
– Circling…Circling…Circling…BOOM!
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– The Death of Superman
– Cinema PaulieDiso is on the edge
– Eilish, King, Lee
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
– An all new Top Ten List
– A bunch of Odd Tidbits
– The EMR Initials Game…Again!
– A Jerry’s Happy Note
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #469 (1-10-2020)

Have you ever tried washing that crusty gunk out of your entry way floor mat? It’s nearly impossible. If you are like billions of others, you would nearly rather pull out your pubes than wash that mat. Hi, friends, Matt Lawry once again to tell you to go ahead and hang onto those pubes just a while longer.  The geniuses over at MatEMatics have it all figured out. Just fill a thirty-gallon drum with two gallons of Crust-No-Mo and 28 gallons of water, leave it in a warm dry place for 17 days, dump it out and voila — a clean fresh mat that you’d be happy to eat pudding off of. Don’t wait. Order your 8 gallon handy pack of Crust-No-Mo today. Now, here we go with those fuck-faces over at EMR. They have Episode four-sixty-nine coming up next.

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & JERRY
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE

This is a federal food fight.
_That means we callin’ out all
_you cooks and crooks. Oh, 
_me? My name is Humpty Hump.
_I’m the original big-nosed 

_rapper, baby. We’re about to

_sling hot food all over this 
_piece. Here we go, back in 
_the house for the 9-whatever.
_Food fight! With the bacon and
_egg sandwich..
.

EM NEWS
– ItchMart
– Secret Flying Army of Colorado
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Props To The Prop Man
– Cinema PaulieDiso chills out
– Henry, Peart, Wurtzel
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
– An all new Top Ten List
– A bunch of Odd Tidbits
– The EMR Initials Game
– 2x Jerry’s Happy Note
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #468 (01-03-2020)

It’s the first show of the new year. You may not have known that, since you still haven’t picked up a new calendar. I know…I know. You haven’t been to see the mechanic or your insurance agent in a while. And who wants to buy a calendar? I’ll tell you who – YOU, you lazy fuck! Mort Lawry here. Our friends over at Calenderz N’ Other Shit have what you need. ALL of their calendars come complete with 12 full months worth of days for you to while away! They feature pics of babes, sports, cars, whatever your fetish is…you perve! They have it all! Order yours today. Not that you know what day it is.  Now, EMR…episode four-sixty-eight.

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI

Take a ride in my VW. If I’m
_gonna go nowhere,  it might
_as well be with you. Dead fly
_on my window-screen, heat
_haze, a sky of green. Sucking

_on a lollipop stick, you could

_take the day off sick. Through
_the villages and towns, watch
_the world going ’round and 
_’round. Road atlas on your lap,
_but your navigation is crap..
.

EM NEWS
– Take Us Bah-Ah-Ah-Ack To Where You Found Us
– I’m Dipshit, Hear Me Roar!
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Cinema PaulieDiso – a rare double-feature
– Hudgens, Johnston, Mendelson
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
– An all new Top Ten List
– A bunch of Odd Tidbits
– Too Close For Comfort – An EMR Photo Game
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #467 (12-27-2019)

The New Year is just around the corner. Are you prepared? Friends, your old buddy Mort Lawry here to talk a little bit about next year. You do not know what to expect. Hurricanes, earthquakes, more Republitard bullshit, fires, famine, fucksticks…it’s all possible and conceivable.  But, until now, there has been no way to predict it.  This new product from the good people at Stuff It Industries solves the problem.  The Calculizer will tell you what will happen today. When you get out of bed, flip this little gem on and know, in advance, how your day will be. The Calculizer Pro will give you a week’s head notice and The Calculizer Pro Plus will give you thirteen solid days of advanced life info. That’s nearly two weeks. Who the fuck wouldn’t want this? Order yours today. Now, enjoy our program — The EMR 2019 Year End Wrap Up!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & TABI
YOUR HAPPY BASTARD: JERRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: SIX-8 NATE
YOUR SPECIAL GUEST: CLAMBOY

It was Christmas Eve, babe, in
_the drunk tank. An old man
_said to me “won’t see another
_one.” And then he sang a song,
_The rare old Mountain Dew. I

_turned my face away, and 

_dreamed about you. Got on a
_lucky one, came in eighteen 
_to one. I’ve got a feeling this
_year’s for me and you. So,
_happy Christmas. I love you,
_baby. I can see a better time
_when all our dreams come true
.

EM NEWS
– Late Night Robot
– Tossin’ A Cold, Outdated Law
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Cinema PaulieDiso’s Year End Review
– Hemsworth, Cameron, Scorsese
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
– An all new Top Ten List
– A bunch of Odd Tidbits
– A Best of Incorrect Theme Guesses 2019
– Clamboy’s Fish or No Fish game
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #466 – The Huge EMR Christmas Show (12-20-2019)

And here we are…just a few short days until Christmas. The excitement is palpable.  Travelling to see loved ones can be a grand time, unless you are sitting at the bus station or the airline terminal and some free-form, poorly parented, snot-nosed little cretin wipes a big fat booger on that brand new jacket, scarf or shirt. Mort Lawrey here, my friends. This has happened to most of us at one point, and let’s face it…as much as you’d like to, you can’t kill the little fucker. And if you did, you’d end up with even more stains. Introducing The Stain Assassin. Yes, it’s another fine product from the folks at WingNut Enterprises, the same folks who brought you the self-folding pantaloons. Just a spritz of The Stain Assassin and that stain is gone, I don’t care if it’s grape juice or tar. Maybe spritz a little directly on the source just to be safe. Hehe…that’s between you and me. The Stain Assassin from WingNut. Now, here’s EMR — the big stupid Christmas Spectacular or something like that. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR HAPPY BASTARD: JERRY
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI
YOUR SPECIAL GUEST: COUSIN TODD

I’m dreaming of a white Christ-
_mas, just like the ones I used
_to know. Where the tree tops
_glisten and children listen to
_hear sleigh bells in the snow.

_I’m dreaming of a white Christ-
_mas with every Christmas 
_card I write. May your days be
_merry and bright, and may all
_your Christmases be white.
_I’m dreaming of a white Christ-
_mas with every Christmas 
_card I write. May your days be
_merry and bright, and may all
_your Christmases be white
.

EM NEWS
– SantAtlantis
– Welcome to Pigeon-Hat, Nevada
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Hey, Bitch…It’s A Fucking Movie!
– Cinema PaulieDiso has a machine gun. Ho. Ho. Ho.
– Heffner, Petty, Ridley
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
– An all new Top Ten List
– Plenty of It’s A Wonderful Life Odd Tidbits
– A Holiday Jerry’s Happy Note – Florida’s Xmas Gas
– Clamboy’s Christmas Commercial Game
– We visit with Cousin Todd
– Tons of new Christmas stuff as well as EMR Christmas classics
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #465 (12-13-2019)

Just a short little squirt ’til Christmas folks. Speaking of a short li’l squirt. Ha-ha. Never mind that.  Mort Lawry here, friends. I’d like to take just a moment out of your entertainment time to talk with you about a topic that I know will hit home — centerpieces. Sure, they’re important year ’round, but never as much so as during this festive season. Can we be candid? I thought so. Do you or someone you know have a shit-ass centerpiece?  I thought so. It doesn’t need to be that way. No, Ma’am. You need to talk to the fine folks at Piece of Arts. Don’t be ashamed. They have helped thousands of one-thumbed fucks just like you with beautiful table centerpieces that the blabbermouth next door…err…umm…people will be talking about a year from now. Make your holiday table look perfect, Kitty Kat, with Piece of Arts custom centerpieces. They are as unique as you are, snowflake! Now, on with the show — EMR Episode whatever the hell it says up there. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE

Bring us out a table and spread
_it with a cloth. Bring us out a
_cheese and of your Christmas
_loaf. Love and joy come to
_you and to you your wassail

_too. And God bless you and
_send you a happy new year.
_And God send you a happy 
_new year. Here we come a-
_wassailing above the leaves
_so green. Here we come a-
_wand’ring so fair to be seen.
_Love and joy come to you and
_to you your wassail too. And 
_God bless you and send you a
_happy new year. And God send
_you a happy new year
.

EM NEWS
– Party At Hamilton Beach
– I Wanted Fucking Jelly!
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– The Talent Poachers
– Cinema PaulieDiso is taking it to the streets
– Smith, Shatner, Aiello
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
– An all new Top Ten List
– Plenty of Odd Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #464 (12-06-2019)

Happy Holidays friends, Mort Lawrey here to talk about table salt. Yes, table salt. The importance of a good table salt is overlooked. Does it really matter? Yes. Bad table salt can completely fuck up that holiday meal. That’s why you and your family should be using Sea Drool imported Danish Sea Salt. Sea Drool isn’t like that Utah crap. Sea Drool is made with the finest, pure, majestic sea salt crystals. And best of all, Sea Salt is coming to you from the fine folks at Downer Foods. The same people who introduced you to Jasper’s No-Cry Onions just last year. Pick up some Sea Drool, salt the shit out of your favorite foods and make your family proud this holiday season. Now…uh…oh yeah, those bastards at EMR. Roll it!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & TABI
YOUR TECHMASTER 5K: JERRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE

We wish you a merry Christmas.
_We wish you a merry Christmas.
_We wish you a merry Christmas,
_and a happy new year. Good 
_tidings we bring to you and 

_your kin. Good tidings for
_Christmas and a happy new 
_year. Oh…bring us some 
_figgy pudding. Oh…bring us
_some figgy pudding. Oh…
_bring us some figgy pudding,
_and bring it right here. We
_won’t go until we get some.
_We won’t go until we get some.
_We won’t go until we get some.
_We wish you a merry Christmas
_and a happy new year
.

EM NEWS
– A creepy, creepy White House Christmas
– Old Man Take A Look At My Cock
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– The Man Might Be On Fire, But He Isn’t Starting Them
– Cinema PaulieDiso remains quiet…somewhat
– Fontana, Perlman, Gobright
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
– An all new Top Ten List
– The Big December 6th Quiz
– Techin’ It Up The Ass Presents: Tech Turkeys 2019
– Plenty of Odd Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #463 (11-29-2019)

One holiday down and several to go, eh? Mort Lawrey here. Tonight, your old buddy Mort would like to make sure you are prepared for the next big holiday sweep, which is less that one month away. Presenting: Bombs Away Seasoning from the fine folks over at Spud-Fucker Industries. That’s right, the very same people who brought you the self-baking potato. With Bombs Away Seasoning, you just drop a pinch on anything and BOOM, it tastes exactly how it should. From ice-cream sundaes to steak, this shit really does work. Now, I take you to our regularly scheduled program. eMpTy Minds Radio. This is is episode four-hundred-sixty-three. Damn! That’s a lot! Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR SPECIAL GUEST: SIX-8 NATE
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI

I’ve got twelve disciples and a
_Buddha smile. The Garden of
_Allah, Viking Valhalla. A 
_miracle once in a while. I’ve
_got a pantheon of animals in 

_a pagan soul. Vishnu and Gaea
_Aztec and Maya dance around
_my Totem pole. I believe in
_what I see. I believe in what I
_hear. I believe that what I’m
_feelings changes how the
_world appears. Angels and
_demons dancing in my head. 
_Lunatics and monsters under-
_neath my bed. Media mess-
_iahs preying on my fears. Pop
_culture profits playing in my
_ears.

EM NEWS
– Donut Fakery
– Ocean’s 11-Hundred-Million
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Legal In-Depp-Titude
– Cinema PaulieDiso & a six string
– Abrams, Johnson, Hopkins
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
– An all new Top Ten List
– Junior High Notes, Dickhead!
– Plenty of Odd Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #462 Unofficial Turkey Day Show (11-22-2019)

Good evening, it’s your old buddy Mort Lawry once again. Tonight, I’d like to talk to you about your house. Do you love it? If so, go ahead and take a much needed potty break or grab another Hydrox brand cookie from the little ceramic cookie jar you keep next to the bread box.  Do you hate your house? Good. Grab a piece of paper and prepare to write down some life changing information. Our sponsors at Craptastico Realty can help. They really, really can. They can get you out of that steaming shit pile and into your dream home. And they can get you top dollar by selling that rotting turd to some other unsuspecting folk. Folks just like you were when you got sucked into that god awful pile of garbage in which you currently reside. Craptastico Realty. More on that in just a moment. Now we start our regular program – EMR Episode 462. Enjoy the fucking hell out of it. Your old pal, Mort always does!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & JERRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI

They paved paradise and put
_up a parking lot. With a pink,
_hotel, a boutique and a swing-
_ing hot spot. Don’t it always
_seem to go, that you don’t know 

_what you’ve got ’till it’s gone?
_They paved paradise and put
_up a parking lot. Late last 
_night, I heard the screen 
_door slam. And a big yellow
_taxi took away my old man.
_Don’t it always seem to go
_that you don’t know what 
_you’v got ’till it’s gone? They
_paved paradise and put up a
_parking lot
.

EM NEWS
– Mooligan’s Island
– Turkey Don’t Care ‘Bout No Mail
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Welcome To Fincher Towne
– Cinema PaulieDiso is digging deep
– Roberts, Hanks, Connick
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
– An all new Top Ten List
– The EMR Customary Turkey Day Quiz
– Jerry’s Happy Note
– Plenty of Odd Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #461 (11-15-2019)

Good evening, Friends, Mort Lawry here to share with you an insider’s secret. Ever accidentally shit your pants? Hey…who hasn’t? Even your good pal, Mort has let loose a little trouser juice on occasion. Worry about it no more. And never suffer the embarrassment of walking away from the dinner table holding your pants legs so you don’t soil the floor. Introducing Stuff N’ Go, a brand new product from those fine folks at Jelly Roll Industries. Just take one of these ultra absorbent, shit-trigger-scented towlettes and stuff it all the way up your asshole. The minute you let more than air escape your rear, the Stuff N’ Go will take care of it and properly scent the area. Take it from me…I never leave the house without first Stuffing. Now, on with our regular program…your good buddies over at EMR. This is Episode 461. Enjoy it. Won’t you?

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & TABI
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE

Follow the yellow brick road.
_Follow the yellow brick road.
_Follow the yellow brick road.
_Follow the rainbow over the
_stream. Follow the fella who

_follows a dream. Follow, 
_follow, follow, follow, follow
_the yellow brick road. We’re
_off to see The Wizard, the
_wonderful Wizard of Oz. We
_hear he is a whiz of a wiz if
_ever a wiz there was. If ever,
_oh ever, a wiz there was. The 
_Wizard of Oz is one because…
_Because, because, because, be-
_cause, because…Because of 
_the wonderful things he does
.

EM NEWS
– Gobble Gobble, Muthafuckas!
– There’s A Little Black Welt On His Arm Today
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Back From The Dead
– Cinema PaulieDiso is slumming it
– DeNiro, Mirren, Young
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
– An all new Top Ten List
– The EMR Really Strange Quiz
– Plenty of Odd Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #460 (11-08-2019)

And now a word from tonight’s sponsor — Wellton’s Flame Fucker. Friends, Mort Lawry here. If you’re like me, you hate walking outside on a cold morning and scraping your windows for what seems like an eternity. Never again. With this revolutionary invention by Wellton’s, the same people who brought you the self-cleaning sandwich, you will never spend more than five seconds on your car’s windows again. It’s the Flame Fucker. Push the button – it lights. Aim it at your windows and BLAM, snow, ice, anything that’s there is gone in a flash. I am serious folks…once you get the hang of it — five painless seconds and you are ready to drive away. It’s Wellton’s Flame Fucker, available at fine auto parts stores everywhere. Now…back to EMR. This is episode 460. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR SPECIAL GUEST: NATE

It’s early morning, the sun
_comes out. Last night was
_shaking and pretty loud. My
_cat is purring, it scratches my
_skin. So, what is wrong with

_another sin? Here I am. Rock
_you like a hurricane. Here I
_am. Rock you like a hurricane.
_The bitch is hungry, she needs
_to tell. So give her inches and
_feed her well. More days to
_come,  new places to go. I’ve
_got to leave, it’s time for a 
_show. Here I am. Rock you like
_a hurricane. Here I am. Rock 
_you like a hurricane
.

EM NEWS
– That’s A Cheap Excuse
– Ahoy There, Dipshit!
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Maybe This Will Be The Final Word
– Cinema PaulieDiso “falls” for a girl
– Momoa, DiCaprio, Cromwell
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
– An all new Top Ten List
– Even More Shower Thoughts
– We chat with special guest Nate
– Plenty of Odd Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #459 (11-01-2019)

Friends, the cold weather months were just around the corner. Now, they’re here. With cold comes illness. The dripping nose, the headaches, the shit running down your pants leg…uncontrollably…sometimes for hours. With the new Sgt. Funk Brand Sick Elixir never deal with these problems again. When the symptoms arise, just chug-a-lug the entire gallon and your problems with be over. Steve Dixon, your announcer here at the EMR Playhouse swears by Sgt. Funk Brand Sick Elixir. Don’t get fucked when you can get funked instead. Now…here’s episode #459. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: JOSHERS

I just moved in my new house
_today. Movin’ was hard, but I 
_got squared away. Bells 
_started ringin’ and chains
_rattled loud. I knew I’d moved

_in a haunted house. Still, I 
_made up in my mind to stay.
_Nothin’ was agonna drive me
_away. When I seen somethin’
_that give me the creep. Had
_one big eye and atwo big feet.
_I stood right still and I did the
_freeze. He did the stroll right
_up to me. Made a noise with 
_his feet that sound like a drum.
_Say you’ll be here when the
_mornin’ come.

EM NEWS
– Half-Life House
– We’ve Heard of Bug Bombs Before, But This Is Ridiculous
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– He Didn’t Really Need The Work
– Cinema PaulieDiso employees a working girl
– Smith, Mirren, Favreau
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
– An all new Top Ten List
– More Shower Thoughts
– Plenty of Odd Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #458 – Big Halloween Show (10-25-2019)

This Halloween don’t let the pageantry of a bunch of greedy little freaks ruin your good times. That’s right — turn off Fox News and enjoy something pleasant. Like, maybe a slasher flick. You have to admit, a dagger through the throat or an eyeball popping out is still much easier on the eyes than Sean Hannity.  If you’re not down with the slasher flick, why not try EMR? It’s fun, relevant and also not politically sickening. This is episode 458. Happy Halloween!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & JOSHERS
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI
YOUR HAPPY BASTARD: JERRY

I sit around and watch the tube,
_but nothing’s on. I change the
_channels for an hour or two.
_Twiddle my thumbs just for a
_bit. I’m sick of all the same old

_shit. In a house with unlocked
_doors and I’m fuckin’ lazy. Bite
_my lip and close my eyes. Take
_me away to paradise. I’m so  
_damn bored I’m goin’ blind and
_I smell like shit.

EM NEWS
– …But Don’t Go In The Basement
– Hauntingly Insured
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Comics vs Coppola: The Infinity War
– Cinema PaulieDiso goes missing
– Thomas, Connelly, Meyer
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
– An all new Top Ten List
– Analog Head-Trip
– The Stupidly Large EMR All Hallow’s Eve Quiz
– A Halloween call from Darryl in Beaverdale
– Minnesota Vice
– A classic EMR horror video (on Facebook)
– Tons of additional Halloween shenanigans
– Plenty of Odd Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #457 (10-18-2019)

Winter is just around the corner, my friends. Don’t wait until you are coughing up blood or lying on the floor convulsing to get that old furnace filter changed. Replace that musty, dusty, scum-cloaked filter with a brand new, fresh, cucumber scented Veggie-Filter today. That’s right the Veggie-Filter.  You don’t have to be Vegan to enjoy that garden fresh smell. Don’t fucking wait…get Veggie-Filter today. Without further adieu…EMR!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & TABI
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: JOSHERS
YOUR HAPPY BASTARD: JERRY

You know your mama and your
_daddy saying I’m no good to you.
_They call me dirty from the alley
_until I don’t know what to do. I
_get so tired of sneakin’ around 

_just to get to your back door. I
_crawled past the garbage and
_your mama jumped out screamin’
_“don’t come back no more!” I 
_can’t take it. My guitar wants to
_kill your mama…

EM NEWS
– This Storm Is A Real Dick!
– Travel Meats
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Sounds Like A Bit of A Gamble
– Cinema PaulieDiso gets creeped out
– Kravitz, Van Halen, NPH
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
– An all new Top Ten List
– A Jerry’s Happy Note – “Heatseeker”
– You Have Seen The Signs Quiz
– Plenty of Odd Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #456 (10-11-2019)

Autumn is upon us, ladies and gentlemen in the audience here tonight and those of you listening at home. And let’s be honest — they say winter is gonna be a hardship. But it doesn’t have to be with Brittle Thorn Hot Cocoa Mix. Just dump a pile out of the convenient carry-sack into your favorite mug. Add either hot water or pulverized chalk and you have yourself an absolute delight. Bold enough for the youngsters and rigid enough for the old folk. Brittle Thorn Hot Cocoa Mix — Dump Some Loving In Your Cup.  Now, back to EMR episode four-hundred-fifty-six.

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR EM NEWS CHIC: TABI
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: JOSHERS

She’s got a cigarette on each
_arm. She’s got the lily-white
_cavity crazes. She’s got a 
_carburetor tied to the moon.
_Pink eyes looking to the food

_of the ages. She’s alone in the
_new pollution. She’s alone in
_the new pollution. She’s got
_a hand on a wheel of pain. She
_can talk to the mangling 
_strangers. She can sleep in a 
_fiery bog. Throwing troubles
_to the dying embers…

EM NEWS
– Honey…Ain’t No Honey
– Snakes In A Muthafuckin’ Bag
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Avengers VS Marty
– Cinema PaulieDiso has some flashbacks
– Besson, Feige, Nicholson
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
– An all new Top Ten List
– A delightful round of Super Duper Pop Culture Quizathon
– Plenty of Odd Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #455 (10-04-2019)

My friends, summer has come to an end. Autumn is here. Are the tires on your automobile prepared for the season to come? Johnny Shoestring from Live At Shoestring’s, here to tell you about the new Road-Grabber Tires from Jolly Jizz Tire Company. The Road-Grabber doesn’t just ride over rain and snow, it cuts right through it like it wasn’t even there. Don’t unzip your pants just yet. There’s more. Every complete set of Jolly Jizz Road-Grabbers comes with a free four year balance and rotation package. That’s right…four whole years of tire service. Now you can unzip. Take it from me, Johnny Shoestring…you’ll never even look at another fucking brand of tires after you try the Road-Grabbers from Jolly Jizz Tire Company. Pick them up today, where you get serviced…uh…I mean have your vehicle serviced. Now — back to EMR, Episode 455. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & JERRY
YOUR EM NEWS CHIC: TABI
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE

Well, it’s one for the money.
_Two for the show. Three to get
_ready. Now, go cat, go. But 
_don’t you…step on my blue
_suede shoes. Well, you can 

_do anything, but stay off of 
_my blue suede shoes. Well,
_you can knock me down. Step 
_in my face. Slander my name
_all over the place. Well, do
_anything that you want to do.
_But, honey, lay off of them
_shoes.

EM NEWS
– The Lustful Highway
– The Golden Throne
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Marilyn Finds A Loving Home
– Cinema PaulieDiso doesn’t advertise
– Smith, Schwarzenegger, Hamill
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
– An all new Top Ten List
– A new Five Minute Cinema
– Trucker Jokes
– A Jerry’s Happy Note
– Minnesota Vice
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #454 (09-27-2019)

Some folks will say that all cigarettes taste the same. Friends, don’t believe ’em. All cigarettes do not taste the same. Al Reynolds here to share with you the smoke of the future — Old Dogshit 100s. Old Dogshit don’t taste like other cigarettes, because they’re not like other cigarettes. The wrapper is that which you might find in a similar class of smoke, but the heart of Old Dogshit 100s is 100% pure rolled dog shit. At Old Dogshit our cigarettes are fresh, because we believe in going from the source straight to you. That’s right — ass to mouth. Take it from your old pal, Al — Old Dogshit 100s are the fucking bomb! Now, on with our show!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & JOSHERS
YOUR ANALOG KID: JERRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE

It’s early in the morning, about
_a quarter till three. I’m sittin’
_here talkin’ with my baby, over
_cigarettes and coffee now. And
_to tell you that Darlin’ I’ve been 

_so satisfied. Honey, since I met
_you. Baby, since I met you. Oh.
_All the places that I’ve been 
_around and all the good looking
_girls I’ve met. They just don’t
_seem to fit in. Knowing this
_particularly sad, yeah. But it
_seemed to natural, darling, 
_that you and I are here. Just
_talking over cigarettes and
_
drinking coffee. Oh. Now.

EM NEWS
– Talk About Hair Loss
– Just A Bunch of Bull Jizz
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Stone Prof
– Cinema PaulieDiso on the lam
– Kravitz, Franken, Dern
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays + tons more

ETCETERA
– An all new Top Ten List
– The EMR Band Name Change Game
– A cadre of Odd Tidbits
– An all new Analog Head-Trip
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #453 (09-20-2019)

Tonight’s fantastic program has been brought to you by the makers of Buttfucker Chewing Tobacco. Hi friends and neighbors, Earl T. Clemdrik here to tell you about Buttfucker Chewing Tobacco. No other chew has such a refreshing, aromatic flavor.  It’s like sitting atop a waterfall in the Spring…while getting fucked in the butt. Yes…it’s that good! Take it from me, friends…Buttfucker Chewing Tobacco will never leave you feeling screwed…except in the ass.  Now, back to our program…EMR Episode 453. Don’t you fucking love it? I sure do.

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: JOSHERS
YOUR EM NEWS CHIC: TABI

Sitting in the classroom, think-
_ing it’s a drag. Listening to the
_teacher rap just ain’t my bag.
_The noon bell rings, you know
_that’s my cue. I’m gonna meet

_the boys on floor number two.
_Smokin’ in the boys room.
_Smokin’ in the boys room. Now
_teacher don’t you fill me up 
_with your rules. Everybody
_knows that smokin’ ain’t 
_allowed in school. Checkin’
_out the halls, makin’ sure the
_coast is clear. Lookin’ in the
_stalls — no, there ain’t nobody
_
here. Oh my buddy Fang and
_me and Paul, to get caught
_would surely be the death of
_us all.

EM NEWS
– Taco Marks The Spot
– Pigeon Shit Talker Gets Shit
– Barefoot & Donuts
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– No Matter His Age, He’s Gone
– Cinema PaulieDiso is right on track
– Olyphant, Aykroyd, Banks
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA

– An all new Top Ten List
– What They’re Made of -The EMR Snack Quiz
– A cadre of Odd Tidbits
– A Fuck Off! Rant
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #452

Burt Smelvin here with my fantastic Burt Smelvin Orchestra, coming to you live from Diddlehoo Arena in beautiful downtown Lincoln, Nebraska. I’d like to take a moment to tell you about a fascinating new product that has me all a tingle.  All new Rubba-Dub Ball Cleanser.  Ever find your sack feeling a bit greasy?  Maybe smelling a bit more like the trashcan than the flower bed? Friend, we’ve all been there. Rubba-Dub Ball Cleanser will take care of it. Nay. It will take care of you. Rubba-Dub will shine your pouch to a shimmering sheen and leave it fresh feeling every time. Next time you head out for the evening, take a minute to Rubba-Dub…you’ll thank yourself in the morning. And now, friends, back to our program — E-M-R number four-fifty-two. Hit it boys!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & TABI
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: JOSHERS
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE
YOUR HAPPY BASTARD: JERRY

Stumbling past your house,
_baby, at the break of day. I
_thought I saw your silhouette
_dancing ‘cross the shade. And
_I went down to the mission —

_I called and called your name,
_’til an angel with a face like
_yours came down and let me 
_in. I thought I saw your re-
_flection in a cigarette machine.
_In a bottle in the gutter. In a 
_window on the street. In a 
_storefront on a picture. On an
_old broken TV. I swear it was
_you staring back at me. I
_
thought I saw your reflection
_in a cigarette machine.

EM NEWS
– Burglar Approved Breakfast
– Gift Birds
– I Always Feel Like Bigfoot is
_Watching Me
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Where Would Larry Go?
– Cinema PaulieDiso is right on time
– Schwarzenegger, Trebek, Summers
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA

– An all new Top Ten List
– Too Close For Comfort (The EMR Photo Game) (pics on our FB pages)
– A cadre of Odd Tidbits
– Jerry’s Happy Note…In Time
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #451 (09-06-2019)

Ladies and gentlemen, tonight I, Gerald Dinkins along with band leader Stu Ferdinand and calendar girl Virginia Hooters would like to introduce you to a special new beverage — Ass Load Hot Cocoa Mix. Yes, that’s right Ass Load. Simply head up some milk, pour it into your special mug and then mix in three scoops of Ass Load. When your mug looks like a big old fudgey pile, you know it’s time to add the whipped-cream.  Mmm…mmm…mmm. Ass load — ask Mom to pick up some up today wherever she likes to shop. Enjoy a steaming hot mug full while listening to EMR #451. You can’t fucking go wrong, friends.  Until next week…this is Gerald Dinkins signing off.

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: JOSHERS
YOUR EM NEWS GIRL: TABI
YOUR SPECIAL GUEST: KERITH

Two cigarettes in an ashtray.
_My love and I in a small cafe.
_Then a stranger came along,
_and everything went wrong.
_Now, there’s three cigarettes

_in the ashtray. I watched her
_take him from me. And his
_love is no longer my own. 
_Now, they are gone and I sit
_alone, and watch one cigar
_ette burn away. I watched
_her take him from me. And
_his love is no longer my own.
_Now, they are gone and I
_sit alone, and watch one cig-
_arette burn away.

EM NEWS
– Jorge Goes On An Elevator Ride
– Cows…Partying ‘Til Dawn
– She Knows Cops Eat For Free
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Where Are All The Women?
– Cinema PaulieDiso is barely getting by
– Rowling, Fabrizio, Linklater
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA

– An all new Top Ten List
– Another Round of The Initials Game
– A cadre of Odd Tidbits
– Ask Wesley Willis
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #450 (08-30-2019)

Hi friends, your old Pal John Rogers here, and if you will allow me a few moments of your time, I’d like to introduce you to a revolutionary new skin care product. It’s called Shit-Oh! Yes, Shit-Oh. Just scoop a handful of this warm, turd-like substance up and slosh it onto your face. Smear it in good. Don’t be afraid to get a little in your mouth, it tastes just like yesterday’s lunch. And my wasn’t that good? Shit-Oh, it will make you feel like a million bucks. Sold in five gallon pails wherever the fuck you go. Now back to our regular program, the eMpTy Minds Radio Family Fun Hour – Episode 450. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & JERRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE
YOUR EM COMMENTATOR: JOSHERS

There was a great big moose
_who liked to drink a lot of
_juice. There was a great 
_big moose who liked to drink
_a lot of juice. Way-oh. Way-

_oh. Way-oh. Way-oh. The
_moose’ name was Fred. He
_liked to drink his juice in 
_bed. The Moose’ name was
_Fred. He liked to drink his
_juice in bed. He drank his
_juice with care, but he 
_spilled it in his hair. He 
_drank his juice with care, but
_he spilled it in his hair. Now,
_there’s a sticky moose, full of
_juice, on the loose.

EM NEWS
– Will Saw For Youth
– Comedy — Now Part of The Security Package
– I Jussssst Dropped In To Ssssssay Hi
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Family To Take Over Park
– Cinema PaulieDiso has a strange night
– Casal, McGregor, Odenkirk
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA

– An all new Top Ten List
– A Suh-Weet Round of The Initials Game
– Plenty of bad…REALLY BAD jokes
– Jerry presents Analog Head-Trip
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #449 (08-23-2019)

Good evening. Stan Newcombe here to tell you all about new advances in food subtractitives.  Yes, you’ve been hearing about food additives for years now, but I guarantee you this is the first you’re hearing of our revolutionary new products. Slimewell Foods presents – Food Subtractitives. We give you all of the food and then lessen it just a little by taking out things we don’t think you need. Sound nifty? We thought so. Well, listen up because we have a whole lot more to…<CLICK>…episode 449. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & JOSHERS
YOUR HAPPY BASTARD: JERRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI

And the sign said – long-
_haired freaky people need
_not apply. So, I tucked my
_hair up under my hat and
_I went in to ask him why. He

_said – you look like a fine
_upstanding man, I think
_you’ll do. So, I took off the
_hat. I said – imagine that…
_Huh! Me workin’ for you.  
_Sign, sign, everywhere a 
_sign. Blockin’ out the  
_scenery, breakin’ my mind.
_Do this. Don’t do that. 
_Can’t you read the sign? 
_And the sign said anybody
_caught tresspassin’ will be
_shot on sight. So, I jumped
_
the fence and a-yelled at
_the house –  what gives you
_the right to put up a fence
_to keep me out or to keep
_mother
nature in…

EM NEWS
– Even Hotter Than Sex
– I’m Sorry, Have You Seen The TSA?
– The Great Migratory Fuck You
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– We Were Kinda Fonda Him
– Cinema PaulieDiso in a blaze of glory
– McDormand, DeNiro, Thorne
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA

– An all new Top Ten List
– The EMR McGuffin Quiz
– Plenty of bad old timey jokes
– Jerry’s Random Things In History
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #448 (08-16-2019)

Hello, friends. I’m Stan Glostman, your host. I’m here, tonight, to tell you about Jizz Squirt Hand Soap. It’s so velvety and creamy and healthy, you won’t believe how good it feels on your hands. If you get a little in your mouth…who cares? Swallow it. It’s perfectly safe. Tonight’s episode of Johnny Was A Crappy Sailor has been brought to you by the Playwrong Theater and the fine folks at Jizz Squirt Hand Soap. Jizz Squirt…it just feels good.

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR GENERAL THEORIZER: JOSHERS
YOUR EM NEWS CHICA: TABI

Well, I started out down a
_dirty road. Started out…
_all alone. And the sun went 
_down, as I crossed the hill.
_And the town lit up. The 

_world got still. I’m learning
_to fly, but I ain’t got wings.
_Coming down is the hardest
_thing. Well, the good old 
_days may not return. And 
_the rocks might melt and 
_the sea may burn. I’m 
_learning to fly, but I ain’t
_got wings. Coming down
_is the hardest thing. Well, 
_some say life will beat you
_down. Break your heart.
_Steal your crown. So, I’ve
_started out for God knows
_where. Guess I’ll know
_when I get there. I’m 
_learning to fly, around the
_clouds…

EM NEWS
– This TV-Wearer Is Wearing Thin
– Action Bear!
– What Has 8 Legs And A Fucking Idiot?
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– My Big Fat Podcast!
– Cinema PaulieDiso or is it?
– Domingo, Lewis, Momoa
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We
Watched + tons
_more

ETCETERA

– An all new Top Ten List
– The Big EMR General Music Quiz
– Plenty of Quick, Bad, Dirty Jokes
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #447 (08-09-2019)

Standard of California on behalf of Independent Chevron Gas Stations and Standard Stations throughout the West invites you to “Let George Do It.” This program, “Let George Do It.” Is your stand fare, Sunday evening, family hour, light pornography. In the end you know that George will “do it” and he will “do it” well.  Don’t let the gossips in your work place out pace you come Monday morning…don’t miss “Let George Do It.” If you close your eyes, it will feel just like George is doing you.  Hey! Snap the fuck out of it! George isn’t doing shit…’cept listening to EMR episode 4-4-7. Don’t you think you ought to be doing the same? Yeah. You should.

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & TABI
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE
YOUR GENERAL THEORIZER: JOSHERS

Why is it me? This is not my
_day. I burned myself with
_coffee and my brand new 
_doggy ran away. How can it
_be? I can’t not believe. I 

_don’t have any money and I
_have to pay the bills today.
_I wish that I could run away.
_My self esteem is low. At
_losing, I’m a pro. But there’s
_one thing that I know. It’d 
_all be good, if I could just
_stay home. What should I do?
_He told me “I hate you!” I
_don’t know where to live 
_next year and my guitar
_won’t stay in tune. Where
_should I go? I am so all 
_alone. I broke my new
_computer and nobody
_calls me on the phone. I
_wish I weren’t so
_accident prone.

EM NEWS
– Like Father, Not Enough Like Daughter
– One Man’s Trash…
– An Unfortunate Connection
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Manhattan Legal Mystery
– Cinema PaulieDiso takes the law into its own hands
– Morrison, Chapman, Clausen
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We
Watched + tons
_more

ETCETERA

– An all new Top Ten List
– Odd Tidbits: The Quiz
– Plenty of Pirate Jokes
– So much more, your head will spin!

/strong>

eMpTy Minds Radio #446 (08-02-2019)

An hour of painless education, under President Jack Smokey, Professor Saul Goodman and his swing band, and Doctor George Stoli and his orchestra. Tonight, the Smokey Campus welcomes the world famous humorist and comedian, Robert Blechey. You’ll also meet Snooty Garment, Aw Shucks and Spamlee,  and the Smokey College Glee Club, directed by Myers Bananrama. OR you could listen this, the latest episode of EMR. Your call, listener. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & JOSHERS
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE
YOUR HAPPY BASTARD: JERRY

So, drop your pebble in the
_main stream. Start a ripple
_it will buzz you. Like a 
_tweak on your nipple, tickle
_your sensibility. Speak just a

_little. Your words have 
_enough weight to turn rock
_to metal
.

EM NEWS
– Cheeseburger Attempts Pot Dumpster Getaway
– Hoverboards Don’t Work On Water…Unless You’ve Got Power!
– Joey Chestnut Is A Pig, But Not As Smart
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– The Old Hollywood Switcharoo
– Cinema PaulieDiso ponders the end of civilization
– Prince, Remini, Griffin
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We
Watched + tons
_more

ETCETERA

– An all new Top Ten List
– Jerry’s Happy Note (In Time)
– The Fucking Initials Game…again
– Plenty of Odd Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

/strong>

eMpTy Minds Radio #445 (07-26-2019)

Well sir, it’s late afternoon as we enter the small house half-way up in the next block now, and here in the living room we discover Mrs. Victor Gook and young Mr. Rush Gook. Young Mr. Rush Gook – who arrived home from school just a moment ago – still wears his hat and overcoat, and he regards his mother, who is sparkling with excitement. She’s been listening to the latest EMR and finds that it makes her more informed, more hip and more cool.  Shouldn’t you be as cool as Mrs. Gook?  This is #445. Enjoy the coolness

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & JERRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE
YOUR CHIEF THEORIZER: JOSHERS

Here I am and within the
_reach of my hands. She’s
_sound asleep and she’s 
_sweeter now than the wild-
_est dream could have seen

_her. And I watcher her slip-
_ping away. Though I know
_I’ll be hunting high and low.
_High. There’s no end to the
_lengths I’ll go to. Hunting
_high and low. High. There’s
_no end to the lengths I’ll go
_to.

EM NEWS
– Growl, Step, Step, Growl
– Most Likely To Come Unprepared
– Dating Is The Bomb
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– The Last Movie Star
– Cinema PaulieDiso’s rise to fame
– Watts, Lollobrigida, Cameron
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We
Watched + tons
_more

ETCETERA

– An all new Top Ten List
– Jerry’s Happy Note x2
– The Fucking Initials Game
– Plenty of Odd Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #444 (07-19-2019)

Another one! Another diner from the stars has, apparently, crash-landed to earth.  Where are all of these classic American dining cars coming from? We don’t know. It’s as if aliens we’re infiltrating earth’s population, making off with abandoned dining cars and then for reasons unbeknownst they are dropping them back to earth. Will you receive answers to this dilemma in episode 443? Probably not, but you’ll have a damn good time not figuring things out. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR EM-NEWS GIRL: TABI
YOUR CHIEF THEORIZER: JOSHERS

Break into the diners at mid-
_night. Every light is out but
_the moonlight. Miss me at 
_the table as you hobble on.
_Pretend I’m the one that you

_still love. Play another song
_for your black heart. Put
_another coin in that juke-
_box. Dance along to all of
_the sad George Jones. Cry,
_cry, cry. Where are you now?
_Where have you been? Why
_do I waste, waste, waste all
_the love that you lend?

EM NEWS
– Number One Fan
– The Southern Atomic
_Whisky Snake
– I Saguaro I Didn’t See It,
_Officer
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Dead Actress’ Jewelry Makes Film
_Debut
– The Good, The Bad, The Theater
_Tech
– Mirren, Munn, Hamilton
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We
Watched + tons
_more

ETCETERA

– Cinema PaulieDiso is looking too
– An all new Top Ten List
– Theoretical Meltdown w/ Joshers
– Plenty of Odd Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #443 (07-12-2019)

Another one! Another diner from the stars has, apparently, crash-landed to earth.  Where are all of these classic American dining cars coming from? We don’t know. It’s as if aliens we’re infiltrating earth’s population, making off with abandoned dining cars and then for reasons unbeknownst they are dropping them back to earth. Will you receive answers to this dilemma in episode 443? Probably not, but you’ll have a damn good time not figuring things out. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & JOSHERS
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE

I am sitting, in the morning,
_at the diner on the corner. I
_am waiting at the counter for
_the man to pour the coffee.
_And he fills it only halfway 

_and before I even argue, he
_is looking out the window at
_somebody coming in. It is
_always nice to see you says
_the man behind the counter
_to the woman who has come
_in. She is shaking her um-
_brella, and I look the other
_way as they are kissing
_their hellos
.

EM NEWS
– The Museum Is Just Shit
– Birdman or The Unexpected
_Virtue of Fucking Idiocy
– Death In The Fast Lane
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Pow! You’re Under Arrest

– And Just Like That…She’s Back

– Torn, Franklin, Cortese
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We
Watched + tons
_more

ETCETERA

– Cinema PaulieDiso dives into the mysterious
– An all new Top Ten List
– Theoretical Meltdown w/ Joshers
– Plenty of Odd Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #442 (07-05-2019)

The wind howling outside my lonely home is my only companion. All else is quiet here as I sit by my window in the parlor writing this document for the scientific world. Be warned you doctors and scientists who come after me; be warned that man must not experiment with the secrets of life. However, dealing with the not-so-secretive, growing level of stupidity in this world. That must be placed in check. That’s where we come in. EMR…to the rescue. This heroic episode is #442. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & TABI
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE
YOUR SPECIAL DELIVERY: JOSHERS

They sat in an abandoned
_luncheonette, sipping imagin-
_ary cola and drawing faces in
_the table-top dust. His voice
_was rusty from years as a 

_sergeant in this man’s army. 
_They were old and crusty. 
_She was 20 when the diner 

_was a baby. He was the dish-
_washer, busy in the back,
_his hands covered with gravy.
_Hair black and wavy. Brilliant-
_ine slick, a pot-cleaning
_dandy. He was young and
_randy
.

EM NEWS
– Super Hive Mentality
– The Bovine Serenade
– Detecting Incoming Swarm
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– I Mean, What’s The Brother Gonna
_Do? He’s A Filmmaker
– Come In Here, Dear Boy, Buy A
_Guitar…
– Crowe, Pitt, Jackman
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We
Watched + tons
_more

ETCETERA

– Cinema PaulieDiso holds the salute
– An all new Top Ten List
– Inappropriate Story Time (FB pics)
– Plenty of Odd Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #441 (06-28-2019)

Each week at this time, WOR-Mutual turns the spotlight on one of the world’s great detectives of fiction and invites you to listen to the story of his most exciting case. Tonight, Madame Rosika Storey in “The Scrap of Lace.” He pulled at the scrap of lace with his teeth…and she moaned. Oh god! Sorry. We got all sucked up into that lace thing. Whew. If you want something every bit as provocative, but just a bit less sexual, we present to you — EMR episode #441. Dig it!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & JERRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE
YOUR EMR GIRL: TABI
YOUR SPECIAL DELIVERY: JOSHERS

When I get to the bottom, I go
_back to the top of the slide.
_Where I stop and I turn and I
_go for a ride. Til I get to the
_bottom and I see you again.

_Do, don’t you want me to 
_love you? I’m comin’ down fast,
_but I’m miles above you. Tell

_me. tell me, tell me. Come on,
_tell me the answer. Well, you
_may be a lover, but you ain’t
_no dancer. Helter Skelter,
_Helter Skelter, Helter Skelter.
_Look out! Helter Skelter,
_Helter Skelter
.

EM NEWS
– Mind Bogglingly Shitty Music Sparks Good Cause
– Pikachu And The Claw of Death
– Dykstra Denture Dumpster Diver
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– The LACMA Opposition Component

– Where Do We Go Now?

– Dorian, Dunleavy, Cooke
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA

– Cinema PaulieDiso drops the bag
– An all new Top Ten List
– Jerry’s Happy Note
– Too Close For Comfort – The EMR Photo Game (FB page)
– Plenty of Odd Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #440 (06-21-2019)

Each Monday, Wednesday and Friday, Campbell’s Tomato Juice brings you a brand new radio program developed from the most popular feature of your favorite magazines — the short short story. Each one complete in itself; modern, dramatic, and entertaining. A thrilling , different story each Monday, Wednesday and Friday, brought to you at this time by Campbell’s Tomato Juice. Today’s story, “Good Salesman,” is complete bullshit! Everybody knows there isn’t a good salesman. Fuck that tomato soup jazz and listen, instead, to something god damned good. This is EMR episode #440. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR EMR GIRL: TABI
YOUR SPECIAL GUEST: JOSHERS

Chewing out a rhythm on my
_bubble gum, the sun is out and
_I want some. It’s not hard, not
_far to reach, we can hitch a
_ride to Rockaway Beach. Up on

_the roof, out on the street, 
_down in the playground; the 
_hot concrete, bus ride is too

_slow, they blast out the disco
_on the radio. Rock, rock, Rock-
_away Beach. Rock, rock, Rock-
_away Beach. Rock, rock, Rock-
_away Beach. We can hitch a
_ride to Rockaway Beach. It’s
_not hard, not far to reach, we
_can hitch a ride to Rockaway
_Beach. Chewing out a rhythm 
_on my bubblegum, the sun is
_
out and I want some. It’s not
_hard, not far to reach, we can
_hitch a ride to Rockaway Beach.


EM NEWS
– The Age Old Carey, Currie, Casey Fuck Up
– It’s Sort of A…A…Sharp Pain
– This Is Something That Samuel L. Jackson Is Motherfucking Sick of
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Hey, Hey, Hey…It’s Lecture Time

– Record Hero Worship

– Costner, Monroe,Thorne
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA

– Cinema PaulieDiso goes back into the sink
– An all new Top Ten List
– New Minnesota State Fair Foods – 2019 Edition
– Tabitha chats gardening
– Plenty of Odd Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #439 (06-14-2019)

Hi. You know, there’s an old saying, never look a gift horse in the mouth. With tongue in cheek I now write me a new saying; never look a gift blonde in the eyes. She was blonde ’cause her hair told me so. That was the only proof I had. She didn’t walk, she insinuated. She was from New Orleans and her name was Lou and believe me, brother, Lou was no lady. When I saw her I said to myself, I dig this babe. She almost dug me too…right into a grave. YeeeeGad! Nothing like that happens on EMR, but we do get plenty crazy. Why not check out this episode? It’s 4-3-9 and it promises to be solid. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOMMY & PAULIE
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: JERRY
YOUR SPECIAL GUEST: TABITHA

My makeup is dry and it cracks
_’round my chin. I’m drowing
_my sorrows in whiskey and gin.
_The lion-tamer’s whip doesn’t
_crack anymore. The lions. 

_they won’t fight and the tigers
_won’t roar. So, let’s all drink
_to the death of a clown. Won’t 

_someone help me to break up
_this crown? Let’s all drink to
_the death of a clown. Let’s all
_drink to the death of a clown.
_The old fortune teller lies
_dead on the floor. Nobody
_needs fortunes told anymore.
_The trainer of insects is
_crouched on his knees and
_frantically looking for run-

_away flees.


EM NEWS
– I Want My Fucking Lobster Roll…KAW!
– Taco Cops, How May We Help You, Dumb Fuck?
– Cracker Is A Crack Cracker
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Mikey vs Stevie

– Neverending Stairway

– Greenwood, Murray, Pine
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA

– Cinema PaulieDiso doubles down on the kitchen sink
– An all new Top Ten List
– Jerry’s Happy Note
– Back Rockwards!
– We chat with guest Tabitha
– Plenty of Odd Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #438 (06-07-2019)

The police whistle and the siren bring again for your entertainment one of the secret cases of the National Surety Company. Tonight’s story is based on a residence burglary that baffled detective Harkness until he became perplexed over an incidental phase of the case. But the detective will explain all this himself. Detective Harkness is an asshole, but he does have good taste in podcasts. Namely, this one — EMR. He’s listening to EMR four-thirty-eight right now. Don’t you think you should be? Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & JERRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE
YOUR SPECIAL GUEST: JOSH

The job is done and I go out,
_another boring day. I leave it
_all behind me now, so many
_worlds away. I meet my girl,
_she’s dressed to kill, and all 

_we gonna do… Is walk 
_around to catch the thrill on 
_streets we call the zoo. We 

_eat the night, we drink the
_time — make our dreams
_come true. And hungry eyes
_are passing by on streets we
_call the zoo. And hungry eyes
_are passing by on streets we
_call the zoo
.

EM NEWS
– The Healthiest WalCake Yet
– Car Not 2 Go
– A Really Big Fucking Table
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Dude, Like…I’m Not Lonely

– Fuck Georgia!

– Depardieu, Cage, Walsh
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA

– Cinema PaulieDiso forms a triangle
– An all new Top Ten List
– Jerry’s Techin’ It Up The Ass
– Random Wacky Trivia
– Plenty of Odd Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #437 (05-31-2019)

Ladies and gentlemen, the element of suspense is so vital to our story tonight, that our sponsors, the makers of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer, are omitting their usual commercial message during the intermission between the acts so that our play will go uninterrupted from spooky start to spooky finish. Therefore, let’s give Ken Roberts his forty-five second opportunity right now to extol the merits of that blended, splendid, eh, Ken? Ken? Kennnnn? Ken is apparently listening to EMR episode 437 right now and we don’t want to disturb him. Why don’t you give it a listen?

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & PAULIE
YOUR HAPPY BASTARD: JERRY

I woke up this morning with a
_bad hangover. And my penis
_was missing again. This happens
_all the time — it’s detachable.
_This comes in handy a lot of the

_time. I can leave it home when
_I think it’s gonna get me in 
_trouble. Or I can rent it out 

_when I don’t need it. But now
_and then I go to a party, get
_drunk and the next morning I
_can’t, for the life of me, re-
_member what I did with it.
_First I looked around my apart-
_ment and couldn’t find it..
.

EM NEWS
– Tikis Thumb Nose At Your Nose
_Thumbing
– Hello, My Name Is Dipshit
– Jerkoff Dad Stole Cookie Dough
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Harrelson Receives New Recognition

– Japanese Chinese Film Relations

– Caridi, Trebek, Ford
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We
Watched + tons
_more

ETCETERA

– Cinema PaulieDiso gets creepy
– An all new Top Ten List
– Jerry’s Happy Note
– Tom’s Vegas & LA Picture Cavalcade
– Plenty of Odd Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #436 From Hollywood (05-23-2019)

A ridiculously special version of EMR tonight, kids! We are doing this show from a studio on Sunset Boulevard in Hollywood. A big show from La-La-Land. We hope you enjoy the fuck out of it. We know we did!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & GARRY
YOUR PHONE-IN GUEST: PAULIE
YOUR SPECIAL GUEST: DARK MARK

Little ghost, little ghost…one
_I’m scared of the most, can you
_scare me up a little bit of love?
_I’m the only one who sees you,
_and I can’t do much to please

_you, and it’s not yet time to 
_meet the Lord above. The 
_first woman that I met her, I

_did not expect to ‘spect her. 
_When I shook her hand, I
_really shook a glove. She
_looked into me so sweetly, and
_we left the room discreetly. No
_one else could know the secret
_of our love. Little ghost, little
_ghost…one I’m scared of the
_most, can you scare me up a
_little bit of love? I’m the only
_one who sees you and I can’t
_do much to please you and it’s
_not yet time to meet the lord
_above
.

EM NEWS (All The Local Hollywood Shit)
– A cadre of sorted SoCal stuff

MENTALTAINMENT
– An all new Cinema PaulieDiso
– Birthdays
+ tons more
ETCETERA
– An all new Top Ten List
– Dark Mark in for the whole show
– Thanks to Charlie & Dark Mark!
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #435 Best of Five Minute Cinema (05-17-2019)

This here, kids, is a rare treat. A “best of” show. We hardly ever do these, but we decided to take a much needed fucking vacation.  Enjoy this hour of EMR history. It is Episode 435!

YOUR HOST: Tommy
THE REST: Myro, Garry, Jerry, Paulie, Nikki

Drivin’ home this evening, I coulda
_sworn we had it all worked out. You had
_this boy believin’ way beyond the
_shadow of a doubt, yeah. Well I heard it
_on the
street, I heard you mighta found
_somebody new, yeah.

_Well who is he baby, who is he
_And tell me what he means to you, oh
_yeah. I took it all for granted, but how
_was I to know that you’d be letting go?
_Now, it cuts like a knife, but it feels so
_right. Yeah, it cuts like a knife. Oh, but
_it feels so right. There’s times I’ve been _mistaken. There’s times I thought I’d
_been misunderstood, oh yeah. So, wait
_a minute darlin’, can’t you see we did
_the best we could, oh we could.
_Wouldn’t be the first time that things
_have gone astray. Now you’ve thrown it
_all away. Now it cuts like a knife. Yeah,
_but it feels so right. Oh it cuts like a
_knife. Yeah, but it feels so right. Oh it’s
_cut like a knife. But it feels so right,
_baby. Oh it cuts like a knife, yeah.



ETCETERA

– Five 5 Minute Cinemas
– Plus one additional bonus 5 Min Cin

eMpTy Minds Radio #434 (05-10-2019)

Each Monday, Wednesday and Friday, Campbell’s Tomato Juice brings you a brand new radio program developed from the most popular feature of your favorite magazines –  The Short Short Story. Each one complete in itself; modern, dramatic and entertaining. A thrilling, different story each Monday, Wednesday and Friday, brought to you at this time by Campbell’s Tomato Juice. We don’t offer any of that shit. And no god damned tomato juice either. Just a complete and utter assault on stupidity & bullshit!  Frankly, we’re having a hard time keeping up. This is #434. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & PAULIE
YOUR GNUs MAN GARRY
YOUR SPECIAL GUEST JOSH

And in the evening when you
_fade away. The same thing 
_happens every single day. 
_‘Cause when your dreams come
_true, they pretty soon decay.

_There’s nothing you can do to
_change your mind. You’re dis-
_appearing or you’re going 

_blind. And when you’re gone,
_there won’t be anything be-
_hind except a skull, a suit-
_case and a long red bottle of
_wine. A skull, a suitcase and a
_long red bottle of wine. You’re
_disappearing in a purple fog. It’s
_a machine and you’re its faith-
_ful cog. You love your woman,
_but you just don’t love her dog.
_Which means you get a skull, a
_suitcase and a long red bottle
_of wine. A skull, a suitcase and
_a long red bottle of wine
.
EM NEWS
– Marmot Kidney Is Complete Success
– Choking Your Way To Heaven
– Octopus Gives Life To Shame Blogger
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Village Gets New Ratings Chief

– Still Must See

– Duffers, Martin, McLean
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA

– Cinema PaulieDiso goes behind enemy lines
– An all new Top Ten List
– We chat with special guest Josh
– A bizarre round of Random Assortment of Shit Quiz
– Plenty of Odd Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #433 (05-03-2019)

Standard of California on behalf of Independent Chevron Gas Stations and Standard Stations throughout the West invites you to “Let George Do It.” Damn right. This week, George takes a big shit…AND HE DOESN’T WANT YOUR HELP! Let George Do It, God Damnit! In other news, this is EMR episode four-thirty-three. We sincerely hope you enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & GARRY
YOUR HAPPY BASTARD JERRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC PAULIE

It’s another tequila sunrise,
_starin’ slowly ‘cross the sky. 
_Said goodbye. He was just a
_hired hand, workin’ on the
_dreams he planned to try. The

_days go by. Ev’ry night when
_the sun goes down, just 
_another lonely boy in town. 

_And she’s out runnin’ ’round. 
_She wasn’t just another woman,
_and I couldn’t keep from comin’
_on. It’s been so long, and oh…
_it’s a hollow feelin’, when it
_comes down to dealin’ friends.
_It never ends. Take another shot
_of courage. Wonder why the
_right words never come. You just
_get numb. It’s another tequila
_sunrise. This old world still looks
_the same. Another frame.
_It’s another tequila sunrise,
_starin’ slowly ‘cross the sky. 
_Said goodbye. He was just a
_hired hand, workin’ on the
_dreams he planned to try. The
_days go by. Ev’ry night when
_the sun goes down, just
_another lonely boy in town.
_And she’s out runnin’ ’round.
_It’s another tequila sunrise
.
_This old world still looks the same.
EM NEWS
– Man 2nd Amendments His Daughter…In The Stomach
– Tits & Pavement Against Shady Bankers
– Hecka Good Times
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– The Presidential Stream

– The Real Iron Man

– Goldblum, SIngleton, Stallone
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA

– Cinema PaulieDiso deals with cowardice
– An all new Top Ten List
– A Jerry’s Happy Note
– A sweet round of Superhero: Real or Fake
– Plenty of Odd Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #432 (04-26-2019)

Ladies and Gentlemen, the American Broadcasting Company brings transcribed to its entire network, one of radio’s most unusual programs: eMpTy Minds Radio, For Hire. That’s right. Is there bullshit in your life? Are things so mucked up in stupidity that you find it hard to breath? You’ve come to the right place, friends. Just call that number on your screen. We’ve got this! Meanwhile, kick back and listen to the show. This here is numeral four-hundred-thirty-two!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & JERRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC PAULIE

There was no light shining
_through the window as
_Margaret lie in bed. She was
_wearing her cotton pajamas,
_a crucifix above her head. She

_awoke from a dream. Her eyes
_were open. Her lips were 
_moving in the dark. Speak to

_me in many voices; make them
_all sound like one. Let me see
_your sacred mysteries. Reveal
_to me the unknown tongue. 
_She put her hands upon her
_breasts and they were small
_and hard and young. And every-
_where she touched, she felt the
_fire. Waiting for the answer that
_must surely come. Is this the way
_to love or is this just the way to
_die? Speak to me in many voices
_Make them all sound like one
.

EM NEWS
– Talk About Shitty Pizza
– Hot Dogging The Concession Stand
– You Say Potato, I Say…What The Fuck?
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Head Mouse Paycheck Preposterous

– Shut The Fuckin’ Door

– Trebek, McKenzie, Bailey
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA

– Cinema PaulieDiso visits the cargo hold
– An all new Top Ten List
– A Jerry’s Happy Note
– The Great Big EMR Band Name Meaning Game
– Plenty of Odd Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #431 (04-19-2019)

The eMpTy Minds Broadcasting Company presents “First Man Out,” a series of true stories, transcribed and documented from the official files of United States government agencies. Whoa…sound spooky. If you can’t handle it, how about just a good old fashioned assault on stupidity & bullshit? We have that too. This is the 431st episode of such business. Happy listening!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & PAULIE
YOUR GNUs MAN GARRY
YOUR HAPPY BASTARD JERRY

I was swinging on the avenue,
_with my heart open to the un-
_known. I wanted to say hello to
_anyone. Anyone. And it was you.
_I told you anything. It was 

_enough to talk to you. To tame
_you. At the Champs Elysees, at
_the Champs Elysees. In the sun,

_in the rain, at noon or at mid-
_night. There’s everything you
_want in the Champs Elysees.
_You told me “I have a meeting
_in the basement with crazy
_people who live guitar in hand
_from evening to morning.” So, I
_accompanied you. We sang, we
_danced and we did not even think
_about kissing
.

EM NEWS
– Loving Her To Prison
– Elder Pisses On Attack Walkers
– Give That Bastard The Leg
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Flix Facts Fervently Forthcoming

– LACMA Expansion Not Expanding Everyone

– Harrison, Reeves, Gable
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA

– Cinema PaulieDiso digs for gold
– An all new Top Ten List
– A Jerry’s Happy Note
– The Great Big EMR Band Name Change Game – Volume 44
– Plenty of Odd Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #430 (04-12-2019)

She’s a novelist and short story writer, master of a sunny mood that turns to terror in a single sentence. But her statements are not dark for the sake of darkness; rather for the bitter truth that’s in them. Tonight, we present one of the most dramatic and horrifying of the Shrilly Jackball stories, “The Lottery.” This tale of terror and suspense will be heard immediately following this exciting new product announcement from Dickweed Enterprises. If none of that crap sounds appealing, you can always listen to our show. It’s eMpTy Minds Radio or EMR to the initiated. This is our 430th episode. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & GARRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE

The Tristitude — it’s when you
_just swallow a toothpick. When
_you realize your father is a Swiss-
_German. When a friend calls you
_for his move…and it hurts. The

_Tristitude — it’s to pass the 
_Tunnel of Fourviere on 15th
_August. When you have to go live

_in Nogent-le-Rotrou. When your
_hairdresser tells you that you
_have red reflections, and it _hurts. 
The Tristitude — it’s me,
_it’s you, it’s us. What is it? It’s a
_little bit of distress in the crook
_of our arms. The Tristitude — it’s
_hmm. It’s whoa. It’s them. It’s you
.

EM NEWS
– Dog Fucking Bank Robber of Ohio
– The Old Reverse Rape Routine
– Man Threatens Slow & Steady Apocalypse
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Walk Like An Egyptian

– Sex-Charged Smallville Girl

– Boxill, Idle, Murphy
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA

– Cinema PaulieDiso steps back into the shadows
– An all new Top Ten List
– More Shower Thoughts
– Plenty of Odd Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #429 (04-05-2019)

Wally Kent was the only person there who did not fear the old man. He even admitted to himself that he liked him in a strange sort of way. And that was good, especially as the Sloanes were inclined to be clannish, and Wally intended to propose to Natalie — if he could find her. After having looked everywhere else for her, he finally decided to try Mr. Sloane’s room. Perhaps she had been closeted with her uncle. Closeted with her uncle? Now, that is sick fucking shit. Why not enjoy something wholesome instead? This is EMR. Episode 4-2-9…for the whole family. Enjoy

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & JERRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE

When I was eight I had a friend
_with a pirate smile. Make 
_belief and play pretend, we 
_were innocent and wild. Hopped
_a fence and slammed the gate —

_running down my alleyway. It’s
_time to watch Sally’s Pigeons fly.
_We loved to watch them dive 

_and soar — circle in the sky. Free
_as a bird from three to four and
_never knowing why. Neighbors
_pulled their wash back in. Put
_away my Barbie and Ken. Look
_out overhead while Sally’s
_Pigeons fly. I had a fool’s con-
_fidence that the world had no
_boundaries. But instincts and
_common sense come in different
_quantities
.

EM NEWS
– Porking & Driving
– Judge Okays Gas Attack
– Cat Calls On The Beach
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Statue of Limitations

– Sometimes There’s A Man…

– Hamill, Cage, Perry
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA

– Cinema PaulieDiso’s diggin’ in the dirt
– An all new Top Ten List
– Return of The Insanity Quiz
– Jerry’s Happy Note x2
– Plenty of Odd Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #428 (03-29-2019)

The Doorway to Life is a happy childhood! To help you find this doorway for your child, the Columbia Broadcasting System invites you to listen to the case of Tommy, age six. “Tommy, Whose Mother Loved Podcasts!” A big EMR fan that woman. Listen to what she listens to. Seriously, you don’t want to get on her bad side. This is episode 428…a fine place to start.

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & PAULIE
YOUR SPECIAL GUEST: OTHER PAULIE

PT boat on the way to Havana.
_I used to make a livin’, man, 
_pickin’ the banana. Now, I’m
_a guide for the CIA. Hooray! for
_the USA. Baby, baby make me

_loco. Baby, baby make me 
_mambo. Sent to spy on a Cuban
_talent show. First stop – Havana.

_go go! I used to make a livin’,
_man, pickin’ the banana. Hooray!
_for Havana. Baby, baby make me
_loco. Baby, baby make me
_mambo. PT boat on the way to
_Havana. I used to make a livin’,
_man, pickin’ the banana. Now,
_I’m a guide for the CIA. Hooray!
_for the USA. Baby, baby make me
_loco. Baby, baby make me mambo.
_Hooray! for Havana
.

EM NEWS
– The Pepsi Challenge
– Law “Breaker”
– Nude Still Life Revenge
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– High Fidelity

– Stand By Me

– Reeves, Carey, Hopper
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA

An all new Top Ten List
– A round of Picture This – The EMR Sketchy Cinema Game
– We chat with special guest Paulie Mak, AKA Small P
– Paulie’s LA Picture Cavalcade (follow along on our FB page)
– Plenty of Odd Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #427 (3-22-2019)

I am Morris Mandekovich … remember my name. Somewhere in a field in Peru a naked skull lies white in the sun and does not remember. The socket is empty where once my eye was living and warm and saw the things I have to tell. Do not pity me. Pity only those who are not dead and suffer still.  I shall tell you my story and you shall judge it. Hey! You can sit and talk to a skull in a field or you can get yourself informed — your choice. It’s EMR 427, kiddies!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & JERRY
YOUR GNUs MAN: GARRY

When the sleet smacks you in
_the face and you’ve fallen 
_down in his backyard. A stiff,
_cold breeze blows right up
_your ass. You clutch at snow as

_if it were his eyes. You want to
_scream. All you do is spit. The
_neighbors are staring; they’re

_calling the cops. So, you crawl
_back to who’s pouring the shots.
_We’ve got some civility after all.
_Apologies are made for the
_wrongs you take the blame for.
_Now, clean up this mess and show
_them what you’re made for. Spike
_heeled shuffle across the lino-
_leum tile. Fall over, stumble —
_you’re a black-toothed joke. He
_puts you through the wall, again.
_And dopes you up, to take you out.

EM NEWS
– Racist Is All Out of Sugar
– Bad At Getting Away
– Shoe, Gun, Cockroach, Hospital!
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Foxcatcher

– The Lost Boys

– Dale, Buechler, Khan
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA

An all new Top Ten List
– A round of Odd Tidbits: The Game
– Jerry’s Happy Note (in 3rd person)
– Plenty of Odd Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #426 (03-15-2019)

Each week at this time, Camel cigarettes bring you Peter Lorre in the excitement of the great stories of the strange and unusual – of dark and compelling masterpieces culled from the four corners of world literature. Wow! Now THAT is some cool shit! Doesn’t the past seem awesome?  If only there were a way to make the future seem that awesome. Hmmmm…oh yeah, listen to this show. Regularly. Fuck, you are already here. What have you got to lose? Kick back…and enjoy #426.

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & GARRY
YOUR HAPPY BASTARD: JERRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE

So, they say they’ll set me free,
_if I plead guilty and let it be.
_But, I’m not the one who did 
_their crimes. So, why should I
_keep taking their jives? I’m

_done playing all their games, 
_and being titled low life names.
_When I’m innocent and con-

_cerned of who I am and what
_I’ve learned. I’m not the one
_who did their crimes. There’s
_no justice, there’s just us. Blind
_justice screwed all of us. There’s
_no justice, there’s just us. We
_need blind justice for all of us.
_When I’m innocent and concerned,
_of who I am and what I’ve learned.
_I’m not the one who did their
_crimes. There’s no justice, there’s
_just us!

EM NEWS
– New York City Candy Cops
– Sober Got Drunk
– Stop Breathing, Asshole!
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Flight of The Intruder

– The Last Picture Shop

– Blaine, Sheinberg, Elba
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA

– Cinema PaulieDiso is strung out
An all new Top Ten List
– A round of Comic or Killer?
– Jerry’s Happy Note x3
– A heaping helping of St. Patrick’s Day limericks & jokes
– Plenty of Odd Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #425 (03-08-2019)

Let us begin our story on the morning of July 1, 1776, in the Continental Congress at Philadelphia. For nearly three hours the Lee Resolution has been the subject of furious debate. The members are all excited, anxious, overwrought. The debate has become bitter, for some of the members are unalterably opposed to independence. It is about noon when Dr. Franklin rises to address the Chair: “Fuck it! We’re getting nowhere. Little EMR, anyone? I hear 425 is fantastic.” Enjoy…and maybe even solved all of your problems.

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & JERRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE

Well, sweet little sista’s high
_as hell, cheating on a halo. 
_Grind in an Odyssey, a holo-
_caust, a heart kicking on tom-
_morrow. And a breakdown

_agony. I said an ecstasy in over-
_drive. We’re riding on the world,
_thunderkissin’ nineteen-sixty…

_five, yeah. Wow! The demon-
_warp is coming alive in nine-
_teen-sixty five, five, five! Livin’
_fast and dying young, like an
_endless poetry. My motorcycle
_nightmare, freak out inside of
_me. My soul salvation, liberation,
_on the drive. The power of the
_blaster, move me faster. Nineteen-
_sixty five, yeah!

EM NEWS
– Pecker Wrecker
– A Saucy Approach To Survival
– Cave of Much Doom Trapping
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Little Trouble In Big China

– The Bones Collector

– Perry, Jackson, Bundy
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA

– Cinema PaulieDiso climbs aboard
An all new Top Ten List
– A round of Here Come The Secondaries Quiz Thingy
– Techin’ It Up The Ass – Foldy Phones
– Plenty of Odd Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #424 (03-01-2019)

To most people, a zoo is a collection of four-footed animals. But there’s one menagerie I know of where the inmates walk on two feet. In the first cage, for instance, you’ll find the Giant Forger, whose specialty is writing other people’s names. And in another iron cell, you can inspect the genus pickpocket — known also as the “Little Dip” — who can sometimes prove that the hand is quicker than the eye. But the prize exhibit is a hopped-up character with a nervous twitch in his forefinger. He prowls alone when he looks for prey, and he’s known for his taste for…murder. Oh…and the peanut vendor…he knows about a hell of a podcast. It’s called EMR or eMpTy Minds Radio to the uninitiated. Stroll on over, ask to sample his nuts and he will tell you all about good listening. This is episode 424 of the big show. Enjoy the fuck out of it!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & PAULIE
YOUR GNUs MAN: GARRY

Dreaming, dreaming of a girl
_like me. Hey, what are you 
_waiting for? Feeding, feeding
_me. I feel like I’m disappear-
_ing, getting smaller every day.

_But I look in the mirror, I’m
_bigger in every way. She said,
_you aren’t never going any-

_where. You aren’t never going
_anywhere. I ain’t never going
_anywhere. I ain’t never going
_anywhere. I’m in heaven now.
_I can see you, Richard. Goodbye
_Hollywood, goodbye Downey,
_hello Janis, hello Dennis, Elvis
_and all my brand new friends.
_I’m so glad you’re all here with
_me until the very end.

EM NEWS
– Dipping Sauce For Your Nuggets
– Redneck Bell Curve
– Between Grandma And The Deep Blue Sea
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– A Review To A Kill

– Three Days of The Wakandor

– Cornell, Saunders, Hollis
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA

– Cinema PaulieDiso’s rise to fame
An all new Top Ten List
– A round of The EMR Guinness World Records Quiz
– Plenty of Odd Tidbits
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #423 (02-22-2019)

My name’s Pete Kelly. I play cornet. You’ll find us at 417 Cherry Street, Kansas City, it’s a standard speakeasy. Before prohibition the building housed a cleaning and dying plant. It hasn’t changed much. The vats came in handy. Its still tough to get a clear gin but a lady likes the idea of a drink to match the color of her dress. The lease is owned by George Lupo. He’s a flat, friendly little guy who wouldn’t harm a fly. There’s no money in harming flies. We start every night about ten and play til the customers get that first frightening look at each other in the early light. Lupo’s working on a scheme to push the dawn back for at least one more hour. I don’t think he’ll make it, but I wouldn’t want to risk a buck against him. Good old Pete Kelly…he could have been a podcaster, if he hadn’t been such a scumbag! I’ll tell you what I always told him — “Check out eMpTy Minds Radio.” This here is episode 423. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & GARRY
YOUR GNUs MAN: JERRY

Well, grab your shoes and grab
_your balls. Let’s head to those
_heavenly halls. Sit on down
_and grab a beer, ’cause bow-
_ling time is pretty near. Tor-

_tured men forget their pain,
_when they head to the bowling
_lane. Let’s go bowling. Let’s go

_bowling. Got a coupon? Let’s
_go bowling. For a free game.
_Let’s go bowling. Let’s go bow-
_ling. Let’s go bowling. Let’s do
_it now. Because Wrestlemania’s
_fine by me. Monster trucks are
_a sight to see. A culture like
_that’s nice and all, but there
_ain’t nothing better than a bow-
_ling ball.

EM NEWS
– Looks Just Like A Piece of Shit
– Like They Do In The Movies, Daddy
– Louisiana Cops Saving The World From Online Videos
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– The Statue

– The Curse of The Black Pearl

– Johnson, Affleck, Ginsburg
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA

– An all new Top Ten List
– Jerry’s Happy Note
– A round of The Great Big EMR Band Name Change Game
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #422 (02-15-2019)

Now, ladies and gentlemen, if you will inspect the forty-seven wax images you see before you, I think you will admit they are more life-like, more startlingly real, than any you have ever seen before! : But the greatest interest lies in the fact that each one of these figures is a fiendish, sadistic murderer. Ahhh…melodrama, how you won’t find that here. This is EMR, that’s eMpTy Minds Radio to the uninitiated. And this is our four-hundred-twenty-second episode. Please enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & JERRY
YOUR GNUs MAN: GARRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE

Everybody’s going bowling,
_bowling, bowling. California’s
_going bowling, bowling, bow-
_ling. Well, Pennsylvania’s
_going bowling, bowling, bow-

_ling. And I can’t lift that bow-
_ling ball. Like any day was 
_Saturday, my lil baby wants

_to bowl away. But how can I
_say that I’m not so strong? I
_tell her let’s play ping pong.
_And everybody’s bowling,
_bowling, bowling. Everybody’s
_going bowling, bowling, bow-
_ling. New York City’s going
_bowling, bowling, bowling. And
_I can’t lift that bowling ball…

EM NEWS
– No Patty, No Peace!
– Those were my Cheez-Its, Bitch!
– Mysterious Alien Car Flipping
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Very Bad Things

– The Full Treatment

– Murphy, Ford, Grierson
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– 
Cinema Pauliediso confined
– An all new Top Ten List
– Jerry’s Happy Note
– A round of Fake News or No Fake News
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #421 (02-08-2019)

Good evening, friends. I’m not going to waste any time or words getting into tonight’s story. One day, not so long ago, I entered my office in the National Surety Company’s building just as the phone was ringing. So, you know what I did? I threw that god-damned phone out my window, sat back in my chair, put my feet up and put on my very favorite podcast in all the world — eMpTy Minds Radio. If it’s good enough for me, it’s sure as hell good enough for you. This is episode four-twenty-one. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & PAULIE  

Bowling down the alley with
_pretty, playful Sally. Rolling
_down the alley, bowling, Sally
_and me. We’d bowl away our
_daily blues when we’d tie on

_those bowling shoes. Rolling
_down the alley, my Sally and
_me. Rolling down the alley,

_anticipating tally. Rolling
_down the alley, bowling, Sally
_and me. The score will show
_we’re pretty bad, but look at
_all the fun we’ve had. Rolling
_down the alley, my Sally and
_me. We pretend that every pin
_is someone that we dislike. We
_aim right at the knucklehead,
_and come up with the lucky
_strike.

EM NEWS
– Glitter Farts!
– You Say Potato, I say Grenade-Oh.
– Fun, Fun, Fun…BOOM!
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Runaway Train!

– Darkman

– Schwarzenegger, Bardem, Bowie
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– 
Cinema Pauliediso finds unexpected romance
– An all new Top Ten List
– Epic Building & Construction Fails (pics on FB)
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #420 “The Clambake” (02-01-2019)

Well here we are. And every seat is taken. I’m sure they’re notices that tonight’s play is a thriller, packing plenty of excitement in every scene, with a bit of a surprise coming up at the very end. The title is “The Chinese Gong.” Yes, indeed…the mysterious Chinese Gong. So mysterious in fact, that we will never talk about it again. This is EMR episode #420 “The Clambake.” Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & JERRY  
YOUR GNUs MAN: GARRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE
YOUR SPECIAL GUEST: CLAMMY

Every day, I get up and pray to
_Jah. And he increases the 
_number of clocks by exactly
_one. Everybody’s comin’ home
_for lunch these days. Last

_night there were skinheads on
_my lawn. Take the skinheads
_bowling, take them bowling.

_Take the skinheads bowling,
_take them bowling.

EM NEWS
– Shitting Pants Over Stolen Meds
– Don’t Call The Bomb Squad On An Empty Stomach
– Meth, Death & Getting Arrested
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Cop Rock!

– Exit: The Dragon

– Nolan, Alda, Smith
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– 
Cinema Pauliediso is off the rails
– A Clammy round of Clambake Weed Quiz
– An all new Top Ten List
– Jerry’s Happy Note – “Blood Donor”
– We chit chat with the one and only Clamboy
– Mary Jane Limericks
– Pizza Reviews, Dude
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #419 (01-25-2019)

… People who make their way through this world by entertaining you, and you,  and you — have a way of expressing their appreciation for real talent. Behind the greasepaint and make-up of a performer, they look for fine shadings in characterization, the timing of lines, the tempo and pace and heart that a man brings to his work. When they find them in just the right proportion, they say, “That fellow is an actor’s actor.” When they find things disproportionate, they turn to eMpTy Minds Radio for help. This is EMR episode four-hundred-nineteen. Maybe there’s something in it for you. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & GARRY  
YOUR HAPPY BASTARD: JERRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE
YOUR SPECIAL GUEST: MIKEY

They came in under the radar,
_when our backs were turned 
_around. In a fleet of Lincoln
_Town Cars, they rolled into our
_town. Confounded all six 

_senses, like an opiate in the 
_brain. Mary shut the garden
_door, looks a lot like rain. Mary

_shut the garden door. Mary 
_shut the garden door. We
_pounded Rachel’s radio for 
_reports about the bridge.
_There was nothing on but
_static. Nothing in the fridge.
_We lay there listening to the
_wind whistling through the
_pines. When we heard the
_engines idling. Saw the head-
_lights through the blinds. Mary
_shut the garden door.

EM NEWS
– Crayon Genetics
– Racism On The Side
– Austin Man Loses 43lbs In 4 Hours
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Membership Has Its Privileges

– Do You Have To Use So Many Cuss Words?

– Ermey, Redford, Richie
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– 
Cinema Pauliediso is disaffected
– A round of The EMR Band Name Change Game
– An all new Top Ten List
– Jerry’s Happy Note – “End Game”
– We chit chat with special guest Mikey
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #418 (01-18-2019)

Of course you know the great family of Cruger who ruled New York society for generations. When Mrs. Peter John Cruger the 3rd died, her mantle descended as a matter of course to Mrs. Peter John Cruger the 4th. This beautiful and charming young woman — “Mimi” by name — inherited not only her mother-in-law’s scepter but also Teresa de Guion. Teresa de Guion was the first and certainly the greatest of social secretaries. The story begins one summer morning at Carriswoode, the enormous and rather monstrous Cruger estate in upper Westchester. Mimi and Teresa de Guion were together in the breakfast room listening to the radio. Mimi turns the dial to light jazz. Teresa stands, throws Mimi across the room into a table full of goodies. “Fuck your smooth jazz, it’s EMR time, bitch!” This is episode 418, won’t you enjoy it just as the aristocrats of New York do?

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & PAULIE 
YOUR SPECIAL GUEST: RAFI

When they turn the pages of his-
_tory. When these days have passed
_long ago. Will they read on us with
_sadness for the seeds that we let
_grow? We turned our gaze from 

_the castles in the distance. Eyes
_cast down on the path of least re-
_sistance. Cities full of hatred, 

_fear and lies. Withered hearts
_and cruel, tormented eyes.
_Scheming demons dressed in 
_kingly guise, beating down the
_multitude and scoffing at the
_wise. The hypocrites are
_slandering the sacred halls of
_truth. Ancient nobles showering
_their bitterness on you. Can’t we
_find the minds that made us strong?
_Can’t we learn to feel what’s right
_and what’s wrong? What’s wrong?
_Can’t we raise our eyes and make a
_start? Can’t we find the minds to
_lead us closer to the hear?

EM NEWS
– Bird Box Bird Brain
– Mac N’ Cheese Forever
– One-Dimensional Crime Fighter
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– The Intimidation Awards

– Netflix Bumping Fees

– O’Riordan, Channing, Toto
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– 
Cinema Pauliediso is going straight
– More Ridiculous Knock Off Toys
– An all new Top Ten List
– We chit chat with special guest Rafi
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #417 (01-11-2019)

SUSPENSE, Radio’s Outstanding Theater of Thrills, is presented for your enjoyment by Roma Wines. That’s R-O-M-A, Roma Wines, those excellent California wines that can add so much pleasantness to the way you live, to your happiness in entertaining guests, to your enjoyment of everyday meals. Yes, right now, a glassful would be very pleasant as Roma Wines bring you a remarkable tale of assault against stupidity & bullshit. This is eMpTy Minds Radio (EMR) episode four-hundred-seventeen. Please enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & PAULIE 
YOUR ANALOG KID: JERRY

There is a bar they call the Bitter
_Sea. And she sits and drinks a 
_Velvet Crush. That’s Kool-Aid and
_gin. Casing the clientele like a
_relentless camera man, she is

_elsewhere. She says you keep a-
_knocking, but you can’t come in.
_And I say – little sister, don’t you

_do what your big sister does. 
_Spiral down, down, down, down,
_down, down, down. Well, desire
_looks just like you with an Uzi
_nine. Gun down fifteen bystanders
_in a roadside drive by, yeah.
_Desire is the grass-fire drinking
_gasoline. She says open up your
_mouth, man, let me come inside.
_Spiral down, down, down, down,
_down, down, down. She cracked
_now. Now they call me Mr. Bitter-
_ness. She snapped now. Now they
_call me Mr. Bitterness. She’s gone.

EM NEWS
– Giving Your Bell A Good Licking
– Man’s Best Friend Is Someone Else’ Dog
– Armed With Potassium
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Where Is The Line?

– Tossing The Old Lady Out

– Chase, Brolin, McDounough
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– 
Cinema Pauliediso is going to war!
– The EMR Band Name Pun Game
– An all new Top Ten List
– It’s back — Analog Head-Trip
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #416 (01-04-2019)

It is late afternoon as our scene opens now, and here in the living room we find Victor Gook and his young son Rush. The older gentleman is looking over the newspaper and the younger gentleman seems to be occupied with an old floor model radio. And as we draw closer, we hear the latter individual say — “Listening to that E-M-R again, lad?” “Yes, Pa,” the child replies. “Your a damn fine kid. Ya know that? Damn fine!” This is EMR episode 416. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & JERRY
YOUR GNUs MAN: GARRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE

Girl, oh you came to me. Touched
_my life. Girl, how you sheltered me.
_Touched my life. It’s the joy you
_gave to me when I was on my own,
_alone. Girl, your lips touching 

_mine. Oh so fine. Girl softly
_touching me. Oh so fine. She’s the
_smile in my hear that sings. It’s a

_song for you again. Ohh, she 
_opened up the door. She made my
_life once more. Yes, she opened…
_Oh, you opened up the door. Yeah,
_made my life once more. Girl, oh
_you came to me. Touched my life.
_Girl, how you sheltered me.
_Touched my life. It’s the joy you
_gave to me when I was on my own,
_alone. Girl, your lips touching mine.
_Oh, so fine. Girl, softly touching me.
_Oh, so fine. Girl, you opened up the
_door.

EM NEWS
– One Master Race / Two Trees
– Really Special Ed
– Hollow Man Marries Holo Woman
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Nobody Zucking Believes You.

– Hollywood Hills Thief Captured

– Okerlund, Einstein, Spacey
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– 
Cinema Pauliediso is your sister…your daughter…
– Feng Shui –  The Quiz
– An all new Top Ten List
– Jerry’s Happy Note
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #415 (12-28-2018)

My dear Mr. Otis, I feel it my bounden duty, as the present owner of Canterville Chase, to acquaint you and your family, as the prospective owners, with the facts. Your belief in them rests, quite naturally, with yourselves. May old acquaintance be forgot…blah, blah, blah. This is the last EMR of 2018. It’s episode four-hundred-fifteen. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & PAULIE

A new year is upon us. A time of
_hope and promise for some. Sad-
_ness and repetition for others.
_A time to look forward. A time to
_look back. A moment spent on

_resolution. A moment paying out
_restitution. The sun that rises
_also sets. A time of profits. A

_time of debts. Reflection is but
_a blurry image of reality. Our
_minds see to that. Let love and
_light shine through. May caring
_and understanding echo through
_the streets. Will hatred dis-
_appear? History says no. Will
_the replacing of a calendar heal
_wounds? It is doubtful. The
_change begins and ends with all
_of us. If we want better, we make
_better. For all of the well wishes
_and January firsts, in the history
_of mankind, did not envoke change
_all by their lonesome.

EM NEWS
– Slow Speed Chase
– Pant Emergency
– Christmassy Weed
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– TV Goes Boom Boom

– Horizontal or Die, Fuckers!

– Adonis, Spacey, Culkin
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– 
Cinema Pauliediso – 2018 Year of Reviews In Review
– Strange New Year’s Eve Traditions From Around The World
– An all new Top Ten List
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #414 – The Big Christmas Show (12-21-2018)

It is of an afternoon day in December that I am sitting in Sindy’s, enjoying myself with an eggnog stout pancake short stack. Sindy is a partial ex-hooker turned greasy spoon restaurateur. I was promptly joined by a citizen named Joe the Dipshit. Now, why he is called that is — he is very fond of dipshittery…of all shapes and sizes. No dipshit move too large. No dipshit move too small. So, when I see him, I push back my plate, because Joe is liable to sprinkle some fecal matter onto my cakes. It’s just what he does. This is EMR episode four-fourteen and it has absolutely nothing to do with the crappy story you just read. It’s the Big Christmas Show. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & PAULIE
YOUR GNUs MAN: GARRY
YOUR HAPPY BASTARD: JERRY
YOUR SPECIAL GUEST: CLAMBOY
YOUR SPECIAL GUEST: COUSIN TODD

I’ll be home for Christmas. You 
_can plan on me. Please have
_snow and mistletoe and presents
_on the tree. Christmas Eve will
_will find me where the love light

_gleams. I’ll be home for Christ-
_mas, if only in my dreams. I’ll be
_home for Christmas. You can plan

_on me. Please have snow and 
_mistletoe and presents on the
_tree. Christmas Eve will find me
_where the love light gleams. I’ll
_be home for Christmas, if only
_in my dreams.

EM NEWS
– You Have The Unemployed Skin Color
– Walgreens Detective Agency
– Christmas Lung
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– 
Baby, It’s Doing Just Fine Out There
– Bird, Bird, Bird. Bird Is Not The Word

– Elba, Tarantino, Bridges
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– 
Cinema Pauliediso takes responsibility
– Clamboy Christmas Quiz
– Our annual Visit From The Gay German
– Back Rockwards Christmas Edition
– An all new Top Ten List
– Tons of other Christmas cheer
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #413 (12-14-2018)

It was a little after seven o’clock in the evening. A family and friends were scattered through the rather austere house. And Mr. Sloane was even more than usually indifferent to their comfort and his responsibility as host. Wally Kent was the only person there who did not fear the old man. He even admitted to himself that he liked him in a strange sort of way. Wally chuckled to himself. “A queer sort of way,” he muttered under his breath. He chuckled again. People don’t use that word in that manner anymore. Strange. Lots of things are strange. Like eMpTy Minds Radio for instance. Queer? Probably not. Peculiar? Positively. This is episode four-hundred-thirteen. Get your peculiar on!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & PAULIE
YOUR HAPPY BASTARD: JERRY

This tree will be our own rising
_star. It will sparkle, even if there
_are clouds in the sky. This soft-
_needled fir, glowing with light –
_the greens, blues, reds, the 

_yellows – all good colors, these.
_Tinsel cheers in a dark evening.
_The winter wearing to that cold

_hour when the snow swirls may
_hide the solstice. And we will
_find once more the vast dark of
_the first breaking  from which 
_all the light gleaming in our eyes
_was drawn. And so for those who
_will come by and share these lights.
_
And for those who have lived here
_in our time or back as far as the
_generations will go. And for those
_who will yet move here in some
_other season of flickering lights.
_Let us ask a blessing…”

EM NEWS
– Not So Silent Night
– Everybody Was Kung fu Bullfighting
– The Stink Line of Doom
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– 
Inquiring Minds Want To Know
– Presenting – Spidermation
– 
Cinema Pauliediso goes ape shit!
– May, DiCaprio, Kaufman
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– More God Damned Shower Thoughts
– A Jerry’s Happy Note
– An all new Top Ten List
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #412 (12-07-2018)

If the Chimes shudder a little on Sunday afternoon, well, they know there’s mystery in store Sunday with men of action like Mike Wiener, better known as “The FartStick,” who brings his fearless and romantic touch to the solution of another mystery. After “The FartStick,” it’s “High Adventure.” Then, the big guy steps in. The new private eye, “Charley Mild” concludes with a few casual homicides. The Chimes mean mystery and action this Sunday afternoon. It’s the adventure of “Stumped by Murder,” with that brilliant, eccentric private detective, orchid fancier and gargantuan gourmet, Nero Waffle, starring Sidney Greenstreak. If all of that sounds like boring shit, you could check out EMR, episode 412. We’d kinda like it if you did. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & JERRY
YOUR GNUs MAN: GARRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE

Christmas candy, Christmas 
_candy, hanging on the tree.
_Fine and dandy, Christmas
_candy tastes so good to me.
_Santa comes but once a year to

_bring us lots of joy. Loaded down
_with Christmas cheer for every
_girl and boy. Christmas comes but

_once year, bringing joy, good will
_and cheer. Everyone will gather
_round, see what Santa brought to
_town. Fancy toys for one and all
_as the snowflakes gently fall.
_There’s one thing that’s dear to 
_me, Christmas candy on the tree.
_Christmas candy, Christmas candy…

EM NEWS
– Self-Drunk-Driving Cars
– New Mexicans Isn’t America & So Can You
– Grandpa Rudy Yells At Clouds
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Cinema Pauliediso goes dark
– Getty vs Italy
– All of The Nation’s Landmarks Have Been Sold
– Hamill, Burgundy, Reilly
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– A round of Fucking Strange, But Fucking True
– A Jerry’s Happy Note
– An all new Top Ten List
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #411 (11-30-2018)

And now, let’s see what’s going on down in Pine Ridge. Well, Town Marshal Uncle Henry Lunsford’s oak poisoning is considerably improved by now, but not his disposition. He’s back on the job as Mary’s probation officer zealously trying to get something on Mary that will warrant sending her back to the reformatory. As we look in on the little community today we find Lum ‘n’ Abner in their Jot-Em-Down Store and Library. Lum is answering the telephone: “Do you have Prince Albert In A Can? You’d better let him out!” Bwahaha that old timey fucking humor. Way to go, Lum! This is EMR episode four-hundred-eleven. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & PAULIE
YOUR GNUs MAN: GARRY

Now, she’s fast, she’s bad and 
_she’s Italian. She makes 100
_miles per hour, oh yeah! As
_we cross the city lights, she
_takes me higher. She’s the hott-

_est one I’ve ever had — she’s
_just like fire. She rocks around
_the clock. Her motor never stops

_until the sun comes up, yeah. Her
_engine cries all night with passion
_and desire. So, you turn her on 
_and refuel her with fire. She’s got
_me in a trance, and I’m just getting
_higher.

EM NEWS
– Shot In The Meat Department
– You Are The Beer Beneath My Wings
– Aging Gracelessly
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Cinema Pauliediso gets down to business
– All Roald Up Onto One Network
– Here Comes Shatner Claus
– Jay, Bertolucci, Hillenburg
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Another round of our game — It’s A Small Town Thing
– An all new Top Ten List
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #410 (11-23-2018)

Tonight’s feature has been brought to you by the fine folks over at Stamper’s Cream Ale. Stamper’s Cream Ale — so rich and delicious. Serve it in an ice-cold mug and watch their faces light up. Stamper’s Cream Ale. It’s so tasty you’ll jizz in your pants or your money back and free pants. Now, Dark, mystery bullshit theater brings you “What the fuck happened to Linda?” This is a murder mystery to beat all. Actually, this is a damn fine podcast. Tonight we tackle episode four-hundred-ten. Won’t you tackle it with us? Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & GARRY
YOUR TECHMASTER 5K: JERRY

Candy-O, I need you. Sunday 
_dress, ruby ring. Candy-O I need
_you. Could you help me in?
_Purple hum, assorted cards. 

_Razor lights you’ll bring. And all

_to prove you’re on the move and
_vanishing. Candy-O, I need you
_so. Candy-O, I need you so. Edge
_of night, distract yourself. Ob-
_stacles don’t work. Homogenize,
_de-centralize. It’s just a quirk. 
_Different ways to see you through,
_all the same in the end. Peculiar
_star, eh…that’s who you are. Do
_you have to win?

 

EM NEWS
– Stupid People On A Slide
– Anal Sexmas
– Woman Dodges Bullets of Infidelity
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Deep Impact!
– Not Funny
– Gellar, Ferro, Libatique
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Techin’ It Up The Ass – Tech Turkeys of 2018
– Crazy Black Friday
– An all new Top Ten List
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #410 (11-16-2018)

Through the facilities of the National Biscuit-Casting Company and its independent affiliated stations, Anthony Hopkins presents a radio version of Bobby Ballsack’s tragedy “Pre-demption” written by Whatchew Talkin’ Bout Willis and directed by When You’re Wright, You’re Wright and starring Louis The Intern, who is presently appearing on Broadway in “Jabberwocky & The Numbskull” and Gorothy Dish, one of the all time luminaries of the stage and screen. And here is Mr. Hopkins, in person, to speak to you…errr…uhh…yeah. About that. This is really just EMR episode four-hundred-ten. But we do hope you enjoy it, none the less.

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & PAULIE
YOUR HAPPY BASTARD: JERRY

Walking wild at midnight, 
_breathing like a panther. Hold-
_ing hands with my love, dancing

_like a master. Calling all 

_destroyers. Calling all destroyers,

_yeah. Shadow Beach Burgundy, 

_get you high as lightning. Driving
_in your Porsche coupe, don’t
_marry Fanny Frightening. Mix-
_ing with the Moon Maids, melting
_down her rainbow. King Kong,
_bang a gong, all around your
_boudoir. Shadow Beach Bur-
_gundy, get you high as lightning.
_Driving in your Porsche coupe,
_don’t marry Fanny Frightening.
_Driving in your Porsche coupe,
_don’t marry Fanny Frightening.
_Calling all destroyers, yeah!

EM NEWS
– The Devil’s In The Details
– But I Don’t Want To Be Old
– Oh…Balls!
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Mars…Right Here…Down To Earth
– Erased…From Existence
– Schwimmer, Douglas, Clark
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Cinema PaulieDiso deciphered a warning
– Jerry’s Happy Note x2
– It’s A Small Town Thing Game
– An all new Top Ten List
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #408 (11-09-2018)

Experience is the best teacher. Try a Camel, and let your own experience tell you why more people are smoking Camels than ever before. Yes, let your “T-Zone” decide which cigarette you like best. Your “T-Zone,” that’s “T” for Taste and “T” for Throat, is your true proving ground for any cigarette. So try a Camel on your “T-Zone.” Introduce Camel’s rich, full flavor to your Taste. Acquaint your Throat with Camel’s cool mildness. See if you don’t decide, like so many other smokers, that Camels suit your “T-Zone” to a “T”! Not sure about that weird fabricated T-Zone shit. And we at EMR don’t advocate smoking, nor are we paid to advertise Camels. But you ain’t no fucking kid! If you want to smoke, who are we to tell you no? This is EMR episode four-zero-eight. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & JERRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE

All I wanna do is have some fun
_before I die, says the man next
_to me, out of nowhere. It’s 

_apropos of nothin’. He says his

_name is William. But I’m sure

_he’s Bill or Billy or Mac or Buddy.

_And he’s plain ugly to me. And I
_wonder if he’s ever had a day of
_fun in his whole life. We are 
_drinkin’ beer on Tuesday, in a 
_bar that faces a giant car-wash..
.

EM NEWS
– She’s Like Cheeses Christ
– Unplanned, Last Minute Travel
– The Seal Contingent
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– When The Sirens Sing
– Cool Art That Isn’t Really There
– Gilligan, Myers, Chow
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Cinema PaulieDiso is having dangerous thoughts
– We accidentally skipped Jerry’s Happy Note
– Shower Thoughts
– An all new Top Ten List
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #407 (11-02-2018)

Show time. The city’s buzzing with excitement and eager to await another amazing performance at the little top secret studio. Hell, there’d be a crowd of on-lookers and autograph seekers on hand at the entrance to greet the stars of EMR, if only they knew where to go. So, let’s not miss a minute of the excitement. It’s just a short walk around the corner. Will you join me? It’s EMR 4-0-7, motherfuckers. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & PAULIE
YOUR SPECIAL GUEST: WERNER

Hey, you, get into my car. Who,
_me? Yes, you…get into my car.
_Who’s that lady coming down the

_road. Who’s that lady? Who’s that

_woman walking through my door?

_What’s the score? I’ll be the sun

_shining on you. Hey, Cinderella,
_step into your shoe. I’ll be your
_non-stop lover. Get it while you
_can. Your non-stop miracle. I’m
_your man. Get outta my dreams.
_Get into my car. Get outta my 
_dreams. Get into my car. Lady 
_driver let me take your wheel.
_Smooth operator. Touch my 
_bumper. Hey, let’s make a deal.
_make it real. Like a road runner
_coming after you. Just like a
_hero, out of the blue. I’ll be your
_non-stop lover. Get it while you
_can. Your non-stop miracle. I’m
_your man.

EM NEWS
– Scary Zombie Chompers
– Which Came First – The Chicken or The Idiocy?
– The Credit Minister
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Shitty MPAA Sheds Light On The Shit
– Netflix’ Junk For Cash System
– Daniels, Nelson, Polanski
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Cinema PaulieDiso is dreaming
– We chat a bit with our old pal, Werner
– Dirty Fucking Logos (pics on our FB pages)
– An all new Top Ten List
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #406 (10-26-2018)

Thank you, Fred Collins, and good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. Today, as a change from our usual serious dramatic fare, we’re presenting a comedy. Now, because we feel that a sense of humor is a rather personal thing, different with each individual, we are leaving it entirely up to you, in your own living room, to laugh or not as you see fit. In our efforts to amuse you, we have managed to obtain the services of two of the funniest actors…that…we…oh fuck. Scratch that. It’s just your regulars EMR motherfuckers sitting in, doing what we do. This is the 406th time we’ve done it. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & GARRY
YOUR HAPPY BASTARD: JERRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE

Women think I’m tasty, but they’re
_always trying to waste me. Make
_me burn the candle right down.

_But, baby, baby don’t need no 

_jewels in my crown. ‘Cause all you

_women is low down gamblers. 

_Cheatin’ like I don’t know how.
_Baby, got no flavor, fever in the
_funk house now. This low down
_bitchin’ got my poor feet a itchin’.
_Don’t you know, you know the 
_deuce is still wild. Baby, I can’t
_stay, you got to roll me, and call
_me the tumblin’ dice. Always in a 
_hurry, I never stop to worry. Don’t
_you see the time flashin’ by? Honey,
_got no money. I’m all sixes and
_sevens and nines. Say now, baby,
_I’m the rank outsider. You can be
_my partner in crime. Baby, I can’t
_stay, you got to roll me and call me
_the tumblin’. Roll me and call me
_the tumblin’. Call me the tumblin’
_dice now, baby. Oh my.

EM NEWS
– Piss On Frontier Airlines
– Come Back Later
– Angry Shitty Smiley
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– The Dollar Is King
– You Best Start Believin’ In Lawsuits, News Corp…You’re In One
– Idol, Hemsworth, Gadot
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Cinema PaulieDiso takes you on another shadowy adventure
– Jerry’s Happy Note
– Ask Wesley Willis
– An all new Top Ten List
– Knockoff Halloween Costumes (pics on our FB pages)
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #405 (10-19-2018)

This is the Mysterious Traveler inviting you to join me on another journey into the realm of the strange and the terrifying. I hope you will enjoy the trip! And that it will thrill you a little, and chill you a little. So, settle back and get a good grip on your nerves — if you can! This is actually the mysterious EMR, episode 405. But we think you get the man’s point. Clarity. It’s what makes him so damn mysterious. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & JERRY

Let’s have a luau. Loop-de-loop
_loop luau. Let’s have a ball. Loop-
_de-loop loop luau. Let’s have a 

_luau. Invite one and all. Loop-

_de-loop loop luau. No need to 

_dress up. Loop-de-loop loop luau.

_Come as you are. Loop-de-loop
_loop luau. You bring the cola. 
_Loop-de-loop loop luau. I’ll bring 
_my guitar. Loop-de-loop loop
_luau. Girls will all hula, boys will
_all sing, we’ll have a luau. Loop-
_de-loop loop luau. Won’t miss a 
_thing. Loop-de-loop loop luau. 
_You don’t need to live in the islands
_to have a lot of fun. Just pretend
_your patio’s an island in the sun.
_Let’s have a luau. Loop-de-loop
_loop luau.

EM NEWS
– Nine Funerals And A Funeral
– Grand Theft Fajita
– Poop Train Leaves The Station
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Halloween Heroine Takes On Fuk’d News
– Bing Bing Spotted
– Yun-fat, DeLorean, Jackman
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Jerry’s Happy Note x2
– An all new Top Ten List
– A singular round of Cover or No Cover
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #404 (10-12-2018)

I have here from our file, number one-nine-eight-nine-two-oh, a rusted lock, complete with handle. Once, it was brightly nickel-plated – and both handsome and utilitarian. Now, its beauty has been completely destroyed by the effects of a very hot fire. And its usefulness is ended by the fact that it is locked. Some of its parts have been fused by the heat which it endured. It’s part of the right-hand door of a motor car, the door next to the driver’s seat. It was locked before the fire. Please keep that important information in mind as you listen to episode four-zero-four. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & PAULIE
YOUR GNUs MAN: GARRY

Born a bastard child – nobody knows
_who’s son. On the old Chisholm
_Trail, and he continues to run. She’s

_a ’32 Ford, chopped five window

_coupe. Chevrolet mill really, really

_stirs the soup. Turn up the bass, 

_turn up the treble – Texas Rock-a-
_billy rebel. When everyone said 
_early on, they had lost the fight. 
_Deep down inside they knew – they
_knew they had the might. Like 
_Harold Dawson, Mouser King. Too
_many more to say. Wide whitewall
_wheels gonna…gonna blow you 
_away. It goes real fast, but it sure
_feels good. It goes real fast, but it
_sure feels good. It goes real fast, 
_but it sure feels good. It feels
_good.

EM NEWS
– Meth Ghosts
– Knights Who Should Fear Plates
– Learn To Make A Living…At The Library
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Sweet Home Appeals Court
– Dazed And Confounded
– Hamill, DeNiro, Seagal
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Cinema PaulieDiso travels to new places
– An all new Top Ten List
– Abandoned Amusement Parks (pics on our FB pages)
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #403 (10-05-2018)

… People who make their way through this world by entertaining you — and you and you — have a way of expressing their appreciation for real talent. Behind the greasepaint and make-up of a performer, they look for fine shadings in characterization, the timing of lines, the tempo and pace and heart that a man brings to his work. When they find them in just the right proportion, they say, “That fellow is an actor’s actor.” Just like when they find a podcast that is a perfect balance of go fuck yourself, they say “That podcast is a podcaster’s podcast!” And this a podcaster’s episode four-hundred-three. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & JERRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE

I fell asleep at the wheel. I thought
_this drive was a steal. Late nights
_in my head. You stop dreaming, 

_you’re dead already. Some of us

_went to school. Some were far too

_cool. Some were just kicking dirt.

_Some just chasing skirt…around the
_world. I’m not making it up. I’m
_really not. Wouldn’t lie to a friend
_of a friend…or some guy. I’m not
_making it up. I’m not making it up. 
_Looking back, I see an easier path
_or two. Rather suck the joy right
_out of you. Pull your soul from your
_mouth, knock your teeth loose. 
_Each extra lap. Every subtle mishap.
_I’m not sure you’d love me the same.
_If you knew just how insane I really
_am.

EM NEWS
– Why The Long Face?
– You Can Smoke It, But It Just Won’t Be The Same
– I Punch You…With Him
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Fake Drews
– Bradtasm!
– Emerick, Stallone, Carlin
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Cinema PaulieDiso sticks to the shadows
– An all new Top Ten List
– Jerry’s Happy Note – Halloween Magic
– Film Fuck Ups That Frittered Away Funds
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #402 (09-28-2018)

Well, now, I’ll tell you. If these here white dentists had been as easy on my teeth as the Injuns were on my hair I’d be a whole man yet! An’ speakin’ of scalpin’, I guess you don’t realize that the Injuns wasn’t the only ones that did that. There was some white men that scalped too! Meaner than a hydophoby skunk they was! Thought the Injuns was jest painted savages, when the truth was the Injuns was a heap more civilized then them! Take the Nez Perce Injuns fer instance, out in Idaho, an’ Montana, an’ Washington an’ Oregon. They could hev give the white men plenty of points on decency – if the white men had had the gumption to know it! Now, that is some strange ass shit! For something deranged, but not fucked up…it’s EMR, episode 4-0-2. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & PAULIE
YOUR GNUs MAN: GARRY
YOUR HAPPY BASTARD: JERRY

Hey, listen, soldier boy. I know what
_you’re feeling. You’re feeling all
_alone, and you’re feeling blue. You

_need some company — someone 

_you can talk to. Well, Sunny, that is

_me. I’ll be there for you. I’ll be your

_pin-up girl. Put me in your locker or
_hang me overheard. Anywhere that’s
_right. Let me be your pin-up girl.
_You be my sweet talker. Hey, 
_soldier boy, let me be your pin-up
_girl tonight. I’ll dress up just for 
_you — any way you like it. And 
_here’s a southern view, just to 
_make you smile. I’ll wear a bath-
_ing suit — all the latest fashion. And
_be your substitute for a little while.
_Let me be your pin up girl. You be
_my sweet talker.

EM NEWS
– The Bruno Mars Defense
– Look At My Junk
– This Call May Be Recorded
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Lightspeed May Have Been Just A Bit Too Fast
– No Jacket Required
– Numan, Gibson, Bridges
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Cinema PaulieDiso goes crazy
– An all new Top Ten List
– Jerry’s Happy Note – Holy Shit!
– More Cognitive Bias’
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #401 (09-21-2018)

Hi. You know, there’s an old saying, “never look a gift horse in the mouth?” With tongue in cheek, I now write me a new saying; “never look a gift blonde in the eyes”. She was blonde ’cause her hair told me so. That was the only proof I had. She didn’t walk, she insinuated. She was from New Orleans and her name was Lou and believe me, brother, Lou was no lady. When I saw her I said to myself, “I dig this babe.” She almost dug me too – right into a grave. Alright…let’s here it for Lou, ladies and gentlemen.  Tonight’s femme fatale. Something you won’t get a whole lot of in EMR episode 4-0-1, so we figured we would just get it out of the way right up front. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & JERRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE

Candy apple on a stick makes me
_sick. Makes my heart beat two-four-
_six. Not be
cause you’re dirty. Not 
_
because you’re clean. Just ’cause
_you kissed a boy behind a mag-

_
azine. Girls, girls, wanna have
_some fun? Here comes Suzi with
_her hoop skirt on. She can wibble.
_She can wobble. She can do the splits.
_But I betcha ten dollars she can’t
_do this – close your eyes and count
_to ten. If you miss, you start again.
_Candy apple on a stick makes me
_sick. Makes my heart beat two-four-
_six. Not because you’re dirty. Not
_because you’re clean. Just ’cause
_you kissed a boy behind a magazine.

EM NEWS
– Would Anyone Like An Ass Salad?
– Creepier Than The Voice of Children
– Brace Yourself For Nothing
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– The Mouse vs The Box
– The Road Is Clearer, But Obstacles Still Abound
– Mumford, Murphy, Singer
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Cinema PaulieDiso is on the marquee
– An all new Top Ten List
– A round of Urban Dictionary: Fact or Fiction
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio – The Big Show #400 (09-14-2018)

Here at the high school, in Rushville Center, they teach domestic science. Well, at the end of the term the girls taking the course held a sort of open house to show their parents and relatives how much they’d learned. Their teacher Mrs. Campbell was going to tell me all about it, but when I walked into her office, I was shocked at what I saw. She was naked on her desk and something called eMpTy Minds Radio was emanating from her transistor radio. She looked at me with lust in her eyes and said, “Honey, why don’t you come over here and join Mama for a li’l EMR. It’s the BIG, BIG episode 400!”

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & PAULIE
YOUR GNUs MAN: GARRY
YOUR SPECIAL GUEST: COUSIN TODD

Here I am – a poster board pinup
_for you to hate. Someone who
_once cared, now nothing is holding
_me back. I am no more an image
_of what you thought I should be.
_The choice you’ve made and
_forced upon me. So, go on and
_hate me if you must, but honestly
_I don’t give a fuck. With my
_friends by my side, I can get
_through anything. With you on my
_side, we can destroy everything.
_For those who continue to compare
_to this false idea — what do you
_expect from me? Sing a lullaby,
_scream you to sleep, I’m fucking
_sick of it being your way. You don’t
_love me, you love the person you
_think I am. A poster board pinup…

 

EM NEWS
– Fucking Sick People For Money
– Arizona Man Pretends He’s From Arizona
– Police Ignore Giant Spider
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Redford – Where Do We Go Now?
– The Title Say