eMpTy Minds Radio #392 (07-12-2018)

How many ages and generations have brooded and wept and agonized over this Book! What untellable joys and ecstasies, what support to martyrs at the stake, to what myriads has it been the shore and rock of safety — the refuge from driving tempest and wreck! Of its thousands there is not a verse, not a word, but is thick-studded with human emotion. Uhh…what? What book? Whatevs. This is EMR number three-hundred-ninety two, kids. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM 

The day they found me, I hadn’t
_yet been played. Inside my
_workshop behind the old arcade.
_Electric desires had unraveled 
_all my wires. Now I’m in the box
_for safekeeping. The news re-
_porters reported that I died. But
_all my organs were living on in-
_side. Circuit board to brain with
_two lungs collecting change. One
_big human heart gently beeping.
_You can’t win me. I can’t be beat.

_I won’t hurt you unless you cheat.
_You can’t see me behind the
_screen. I’m half human and half
_machine. Thank God for business,
_they let me take the floor. I stood
_so proudly, like I was going to  war.
_Players soon appeared and I quick-
_ly was revered. This must be what
_love would have felt like.

EM NEWS
– Baby Trump Flying High
– Storage Pussy
– The Most Annoying Shuttle Ever
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– The Buffet Buffet of Business

– Downloads For You, Smarty Pants
– Hunter, Knott, Williams
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We 
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Fuck Off! Rants x 2
– Our Favorite Facebook Posts of The Week
– A Little Time With Our Uninvited Guest
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #391 (07-06-2018)

If the Chimes shudder a little on Sunday afternoon, well, they know there’s mystery in store Sunday with men of action like Mike Waring, better known as “The Falcon,” who brings his fearless and romantic touch to the solution of another mystery. After “The Falcon,” it’s “High Adventure.” Then, the big guy steps in. The new private eye, “Charley Wild” concludes with a few casual homicides. The Chimes mean mystery and action this Sunday afternoon! On a Friday night, however, well… On a Friday, it’s EMR. This is episode 391. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & GARRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE

I got a pocket full of quarters, and
_I’m headed to the arcade. I don’t
_have a lot of money, but I’m 
_bringing everything I made. I’ve
_got a callus on my finger and my
_shoulder’s hurting too. I’m going
_to eat them all up, just as soon
_as they turn blue. Cause I’ve got
_Pacman fever. Pacman fever. It’s
_driving me crazy. Driving me 
_crazy. I’ve got Pacman fever.
_Pacman fever. I’m going out of 

_my mind. Going out of my mind.
_I’ve got all the patterns down, up
_until the ninth key. I’ve got 
_speedy on my tail and I know it’s
_either him or me. So, I’m heading
_out the back door and in the 
_other side. Gonna eat the cherries
_up and take them all for a ride.

EM NEWS
– Shark Enjoys Ladyfinger 
– 5000 Pounds of Worthless Shit
– The Colonel’s Other Special Recipe
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– AT&T Lied. Well…Shit

– So, James Woods Is A Fucking Tard
– Lanzmann, Somers, Firth
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We 
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Cinema PaulieDiso touches on the seedy side
– Logo Origins (all on FB)
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #390 (06-29-2018)

It’s nearly time for the exhibition game to start. The grandstands are packed with curious, eager, expectant fans. The town band — resplendent in its flashing red and blue and gold uniforms — is bravely rendering a number against the discouraging competition of the vast crowd. While the home team is doing a little batting and fielding practice, the boys at EMR were sharpening their wits, adjusting their thinking caps, and powdering themselves with just the right amount of snark to take on this ever growing world of morons. Won’t you join them? It’s episode three-ninety.

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & PAULIE
YOUR GNUs MAN: GARRY
YOUR HAPPY FUCKING MASTER: JERRY

Off we go, into the wild blue
_yonder, climbing high into the
_sun. Here they come, zooming
_to meet our thunder. At ’em 
_boys, give ‘er the gun. Down we
_dive, spouting our flame from
_under. Off with one hell of a
_roar. We live in fame or go
_down in flame. Hey! Nothing
_will stop the US Air Force. 
_Minds of men fashioned a crate
_of thunder. Sent it high, into

_the blue. Hands of men
_blasted the word asunder. How
_they lived, god only knew. Souls
_of men, dreaming of skies to
_conquer, gave us wings ever to
_soar. With scouts before and 
_bombers galore, nothing’ll stop
_the US Air Force.

 

EM NEWS
– No Harm, No Foul In Boat Misunderstanding
– That Rat That Ate The Money
– The Hot Cheese Bandits
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Dictatorial Bullshit!

– Oh, Depp…You Wacky Eccentric
– Lund, Lohan, Harrison
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We 
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Cinema PaulieDiso likes the older woman
– Jerry’s Happy Note x2
– Paulie’s LA Picture Cavalcade (all on FB)
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #389 (06-22-2018)

Once again we go aboard the old New York ferry-boat, to meet white-haired Captain Jimmy Norton and his young friend Joe, and hear another of the captain’s famous stories of the days of the clipper-ships and high adventure. All aboard! Oh, fuck yeah…that’s what we’re all about here at EMR — clipper ships. If that’s your gig, kindly look elsewhere. This is episode #389. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & JERRY

She’s the kind of girl you think
_about in bed. Blow Job Betty
_givin’ real good head. Bust a 
_left nut, right nut in her jaw.
_Sperm on her cheeks is all ya
_saw. She could blow more head
_than a whale blows water. Blow
_Job Betty make your dick get
_harder. She’s a one of a kind, a
_hell of a girl. A trip and a half
_around the world. Catch her
_gettin’ busy, bitch wouldn’t 

_stop. She’s the kind of girl
_that’ll make your toes pop.
_Like any other tramp, she 
_loved to fuck, with any mother-
_fucker got nuts to suck. Blow
_Job Betty was dumb. A fiend
_for a fuck and a mouth full of
_cum.

EM NEWS
– Wolf…Just Wolf
– The Tell Tale Tab
– Music Career Hating Bitch
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– He Just Keeps On Painting

– 21st Century Warzone
– Myers, Stewart, Hardwick
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We 
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Jerry tackles more Strange Amazon Reviews
– Jerry’s Happy Note x2
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #388 (06-14-2018)

Red Mesa. A little town springing out of the hot, dry, prairie beside the Chisolm Trail. A saloon, a hotel, and two general stores, and a tiny church where the decent citizenry might pray for salvation while a wilder element — trail driver, and teamster, and buffalo hunter — restlessly searched out friend and enemy along the dusty main street. A small hill rose on the western edge of Red Mesa, plagued with a rash of graves. Some marked and cared for, others sinking and forgotten. Hey! Who changed the channel? We at EMR don’t give a flying fuck about Jism Trail. There are more important matters to attend to. This is episode 3-8-8. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & JERRY
YOUR GNUs MAN: GARRY

Rowboat, row me to shore. She 
_don’t wanna be my friend no 
_more. She dug a hole in the 
_bottom of my soul. She don’t
_wanna be my friend no more.
_Pick me up, gimme some food
_to eat. In your truck goin’ no
_place. I’ll be home talkin’ to
_nobody. You’ll be strange, you’ll
_be far away. Big fat moon and
_my body’s out of tune. With the
_burnin’ waves, she’s a billion 

_years away. Dog food on the
_floor and I been like this be-
_fore. She is all and everything
_else is small. Pick me up. Gimme
_some alcohol. In your truck, 
_playin’ the radio. I’ll be home 
_with the gasoline. You’ll be 
_Stoned. You’ll be far away.

EM NEWS
– Pistol Whipper Delivers Shitty Letter
– We Wanna Be Your Sledgehammer
– She Fell Off A Seawall While Taking Selfies By The Seashore
– Swing-set Repurposed
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Offspring of Fame Digs Violence

– Slash, Apparently Still Makes A Shitload of Cash
– Bono, Martin, Glover
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We 
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Jerry tackles Funny Amazon Reviews
– Jerry’s Happy Note
– An impromptu Minnesota Vice
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #387 (06-08-2018)

Prophecy is an easy thing, for rarely is the prophet brought to judgement. Tonight I bring you a false prophecy. The place of our story is a great rocket speeding away from the moon. Yes, away! – for the first trip to the moon has finally taken place, and the triumphant airship is now rapidly returning to the mother earth. Here then, is a story about a tomorrow fifty-five years hence. September twentieth in the year of our Lord, two thousand. On board a rocket ship – I sincerely hope – a very FALSE prophecy. Fuck false prophecy, false prophets, liars and shitheads. We do…and we do it well. Check out episode 387 for more details. 

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & GARRY
YOUR TECHMASTER 5K: JERRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE

Where can you find pleasure, 
_search the world for treasure, 
_learn science technology? Where
_can you begin to make your 
_dreams all come true, on the
_land or on the sea? Where can
_you learn to fly, play in sports
_and skin dive? Study ocean-
_ography, sign up for the big
_band or sit in the grandstand?
_When your team and others 
_meet. In the Navy, you can sail

_the seven seas. In the Navy, yes
_you can put your mind at ease.
_In the Navy, come on now, 
_people, make a stand. In the
_Navy. In the Navy. Can’t you see
_we need a hand?  Come on, 
_protect your motherland. In the
_Navy
.

EM NEWS
– So Hot On The Dance Floor My Gun Went Off
– Juan Q. Peebottle, Guilty
– Hit & Run – The Popularity Defense
– Wild Wings & Wacism
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Case May Be A Long Trek

– Cruise Starts Funny Armed Forces Fight
– Nuriddin, Depp, Closs
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We 
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Cinema PaulieDiso searches for the truth
– Jerry’s Happy Note
– The EMR Band Name Game
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #386 (06-01-2018)

A man stood upon a railroad bridge in northern Alabama, looking down through the ties at the swift water twenty feet below. The man’s hands were behind his back, the wrists bound with a cord. A rope closely encircled his neck. It was attached to a stout cross-timber above his head, and the slack fell to the level of his knees. He watched a piece of dancing driftwood racing down the current beneath his feet. He thought–there ain’t gonna be a good podcast round these parts for maybe 90 years. Shit. This is EMR episode three-eighty-six. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & JERRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE

Peggy Jones had her picture took.
_She got in Life and she got in Look.
_Then the camera began to click.
_And that, my friend, really did the
_trick. Then her fortunes began
_to climb. She appeared on The
_March of Time. All the boys in the
_Army camps wanted her picture
_for their postage stamp. She is
_the sweetheart of plenty of
_soldiers, plenty of sailors, 
_
thousands of marines. She’s the
_girl they pin up in the barracks.
_She’s the girl they pin up on the
_wall. In a plane or on a train, she’s
_a prince. She’s a pal. She was 
_there when they landed down at
_Guadalcanal. She’s the chick they
_all pick in the service. And they 
_take her all over the world. We’ll
_take up findin’ a Queen in a dime

_magazine. She’s Peggy The Pin Up
_Girl.

EM NEWS
– Your Life Is A Joke
– Windows Crashed
– Alexa Is Listening
– Cutting Edge Spam
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Exiting The Dead

– Coffee & Lawsuits…Ha-Ha
– Foxx, Hogan, Dogg
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We 
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Cinema PaulieDiso on survival
– Jerry’s Happy Note x2
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #385 (05-25-2018)

It’s time for “My Favorite Husband,” starring Lucille Ball. Jell-O, everybody! Yes, it’s the gay family series, starring Lucille Ball, with Richard Denning, transcribed and brought to you by the Jell-O family of desserts. J-E-L-L-Oooooh!  The big red letters stand for the Jell-O family. Oh, the big red letters stand for the Jell-O family. That’s Jell-O! Yum, yum, yum. Jell-O puddings. Yum, yum, yum. Jell-O tap-pioca puddings. Yes-sir-ee!And now, Lucille Ball with Richard Denning as Liz and George Cooper — two people who live together, and like it. Ummm…yeah. Once again, the bandwidth has been consumed by rubbish.  Here — this is fucking EMR.  It’s episode 385. Enjoy the shit out of it!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & PAULIE
YOUR GNUs MAN: GARRY
YOUR SPECIAL GUEST: WERNER

And the sign said “Long-haired 
_freaky people need not apply.”
_So, I tucked my hair up under my
_hat and I went in to ask him why.
_He said “You look like a fine,
_upstanding young man. I think
_you’ll do.” So I took off my hat,
_I said “Imagine that. Huh! Me
_workin’ for you!” Sign, sign,
_everywhere a sign. Blockin’ out
_the scenery, breakin’ my mind.
_Do this. Don’t do that. Can’t you
_read the sign? And the sign said
_anybody caught trespassin’ would 
_be shot on sight. So, I jumped on
_the fence and-a yelled at the 
_house, “Hey! What gives you the
_right to put up a  fence to keep
_me out or to keep mother nature
_in? If God was here he’d tell you
_to your face, man, you’re some 

_kinda sinner.” Sign, sign, every-
_where a sign. Blockin’ out the
_scenery, breakin’ my mind. Do
_this. Don’t do that. Can’t you
_read the sign? Sign, sign, every-
_where a sign. Blockin’ out the
_scenery, breakin’ my mind. Do
_this. Don’t do that. Can’t you
_read the sign?

EM NEWS
– Turning Bones Into Meth
– Unaware of Semi-Modern Tech
– A Gun In The Oven
– Golden Arsholes
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Pow! I Sue You. Excelsior

– The Purple Wheel Keeps On Turning
– Walker, Summers, Li
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We 
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Cinema PaulieDiso remembers
– Too Close For Comfort – That EMR Photo Game
– A little chit chat with special guest Werner
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #384 (05-18-2018)

When you overeat or eat too fast, you’re looking for trouble with your digestion. That’s no time to add to the upset. Instead, try a better way, a gentle way. Take sooooothing Pepto-Bismol. Yes, when you’re bothered by heartburn, nervous indigestion or other common digestive disturbances, Pepto-Bismol promptly helps to calm and quiet the upset. It settles and sweetens it. You feel good again. Next time you eat too much or too fast, you can do something for that uneasy, uncomfortable feeling. Try soothing Pepto-Bismol. That’s right, when your stomach’s upset, don’t add to the upset. Take soooothing Pepto-Bismol and feel good again. AND now, from Saint Paul, EMR, starring EMR in “The Truth Has Been Murdered.” OR Episode 384. You decide.

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & GARRY
YOUR ANALOG KID: JERRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE

I don’t mind stealing bread from
_the mouths of decadence. But
_I can’t feed on the powerless 
_when my cup’s already over-
_filled, yeah. But it’s on the table.
_The fire’s cookin’. And they’re
_farmin’ babies while the slaves
_are all workin’. Blood is on the
_table and the mouths are all
_chokin’. But I’m goin’ hungry,
_yeah. I don’t mind stealing bread 
_from the mouths of decadence.
_but I can’t feed on the powerless
_when my cup’s already over-
_filled, yeah. But it’s on the table.
_The fire’s cookin’. And they’re
_farmin’ babies while the slaves
_are all workin’. Blood is on the
_table and the mouths are all
_chokin’. But I’m goin’ hungry,
_yeah
. But I’m goin’ hungry. Yes,
_I’m goin’ hungry, yeah. I’m goin’
_hungry. But I’m goin’ hungry.
_Blood is on the table.  I don’t
_mind stealin’ bread. No, I don’t
_mind stealin’ bread…
<

EM NEWS
– Changing Diapers Is Rape
– Heavy Flow
– Family Attempts Child Sacrifice
– Grandchild Kind of Went The Other Way
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Leaving Public Life

– Super Hero Smarts
– Wolfe, Cobain, Kidder
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We 
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Cinema PaulieDiso goes plain
– Jerry’s Happy Note tackles masturbation
– More Wacky Cognitive Biases
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #383 (05-11-2018)

This is the story of a young man who married a girl who has nothing in life except her own beauty — neither education nor background nor any real contact with the world. Her name was Amanda Dyke until Edward Leighton, a handsome young Southerner who lives in a mansion on the hill, married her and took her away from her strict father, who kept her close in their Virginia valley. This is the strange story of Edward and Amanda who now, in spite of the hatreds of both their families, seek happiness on Honeymoon Hill in Virginia, in a world that few Americans know. Yeah…that’s what this is about. Keep telling yourself that.  We call it EMR and it’s episode three-hundred-eighty-three. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & PAULIE
YOUR ANALOG KID: JERRY

They paved paradise; put up a 
_parking lot. With a pink hotel,
_a boutique and a swinging hot
_spot. Don’t it always seem to go
_that you don’t what you’ve got
_’til it’s gone. They paved para-
_dise; put up a parking lot. They
_took all the trees and put them
_in a tree museum. Then they
_charged the people a dollar and
_a half just to seem ’em. Don’t it
_always seem to go that you don’t
_know what you’ve got ’til it’s 
_gone. They paved paradise; put
_up a parking lot. Oh yeah…they
_paved paradise; put up a parking
_lot
.

EM NEWS
– The Hershey Highway
– Now We’re Enablers
– Convenience Urine
– Well…His Name Is Lucifer
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Out of Way, Bitches. Chow Seizure Expert

– Say Hello To The Princesses For Us
– Crawford, Hutchison, Polanski
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We 
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Cinema PaulieDiso makes the Oscars a “ball”
– An Analog Head-Trip
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #382 (05-04-2018)

But a-don’t a-worry, Momma Mia. It’s not a-hurt me too much. Only when I’m a-crack nuts. It’s a-feel like I’m got a little hole in my tooth. So I’m a try to stuff it up with a-chewing gum. Must a-be something wrong, because everybody is a-yell at me to stop a-chewing. Even a-this morning I’m a-pass the phonograph store and I’m a-hear somebody hollar, “Luigi, drop a-that gum.” Well, it’s a-time a-now to go to my night school class, and I’m a-gonna ask my teacher Miss Spaulding – maybe she can tell me what I can a-do for my toothache. Good luck with that, Dickweed! Meanwhile, in the land of reality — this is EMR, episode three-eighty-two. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & JERRY
YOUR GNUs MAN: GARRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE

Bye bye, baby…it’s been a sweet
_love; though this feeling I can’t
_change. But please don’t take it
_so badly, ’cause Lord knows I’m 
_to blame. But if I stayed here
_with you, girl, things just
_couldn’t be the same. ‘Cause
_I’m as free as a bird now. And
_this bird you’ll never change.
_And this bird you cannot change.
_And this bird you cannot change.
_Lord knows I can’t change. Lord
_knows I can’t change. Lord, help
_me I can’t change. Lord, I can’t
_change. Lord, I can’t change.
_Won’t you fly high, Free Bird,
_Yeah
.

EM NEWS
– Shitter Intended
– How’s That For A “Punch” Line, Asshole?
– Bio-Hacker Turns Himself Off
– The Old Zapping The Taxes Trick
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Should We Pass On Movie Pass?

– Back To The Court Room
– DiCaprio, Tarantino, Clarkson
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We 
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Cinema PaulieDiso rides the rails
– A Jerry’s Happy Note
– A video bonus from 1969
– A round of See A Pic, Guess The Flick
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #381 (04-27-2018)

Pat Foghorn for Hire. That’s what the sign outside my office says. Down on the waterfront in San Francisco you gotta put your best foot forward. Especially if you want to trip up a friend. Down here a friend is anybody who’s been dead for more than ten years and then it pays to watch out because if you relax someone will come along and knock you on the back of your stomach.  It’s about all you can ask because along the Embarcadero nothing’s perfect except the heels. I found that out Wednesday afternoon. She was a lovely girl, the sort of person you expect to see in a choir loft, about three hours after choir practice. Her hair was red. Her eyes were as cold as rigor mortis. And you knew the first time you met her that you’d been seeing her too often. Fuck yeah! That’s just how we like it, here, at EMR. Bring on episode three-eighty-one. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & PAULIE

I don’t want to die out here in
_the valley, waiting for my luck
_to change. And I just want my
_Dad to know that I finally made
_it. Everybody gets high. Every-
_body gets low. Everybody gets
_bruised. Everybody gets sold.
_And everyone’s eyes are blue.
_And everyone’s mouth is dry.
_And nobody wants to die in Van
_Nuys. Van Nuys. Everybody
_gets dark. Everybody unfolds.
_Everybody gets high. Everybody
_gets so low. Everybody gets
_bruised. Everybody gets sold. No-
_body wants to die in Van Nuys.
_Van Nuys
.

EM NEWS
– This Candidate Loves Nuts
– The Zoo Gets Some Exposure
– Shadow Protective Services
– Minnesota…It’s Catching
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– The Schoolhouse Will Never Be The Same

– Stand By Your Script
– Troyer, Mack, Crowe
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We 
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Cinema PaulieDiso goes soulless
– Horrific Toy Origin Stories
– A video bonus from Toronto
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #380 (04-20-2018)

Good-evening, ladies and gentlemen … Ben Grauer speaking. We interrupt our broadcast of the preliminary fights now to present a surprise. The seventh round of this battle between Butch Malarkey and Wildflower McGurk will be announced by Miss Susan Tithinwither, president of the Society for the Prevention of Prize Fights … who will attempt to make you realize what a sordid sport boxing really is. Here we are at the ringside … between the 6th and 7th rounds … and here’s Miss Tithinwither. Take it away, Susie! Next up we have Lee Cheng, Plesident of The Society Fo The Plevention of Plize Fights. Take it away, Lee. Okay…that was just fucking wrong. As soon as we find our copy editor…he will be strongly chastised. Meanwhile, enjoy some EMR. This is episode 3-8-0.

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & JERRY
YOUR GNUs MAN: GARRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE

I stopped off at the Quicksack
_for some beer and cigarettes.
_The old man took my money
_as he stared at my Corvette. He
_said I had one just like her, son –
_a 1963. Till the man down at
_the bank took her from me. Oh,
_she was hotter than a two-dollar
_pistol. She was the fastest thing
_around. Long and lean, every
_young man’s dream, she turned
_every head in town. Then I
_handed him my keys and said,
_here, take her for a spin. The
_old man scratched his head and
_then he looked at me and grinned.
_He said son, you just don’t under-
_stand. It ain’t the car I want. It’s
_the brunette in your ‘Vette that
_turns me on
.

EM NEWS
– Don’t Be a Black Teenager In Michigan
– There’s Only Two Ways To Die, Boy. Here’s One Of ‘Em
– Seeing Through Their Disguise
– Riese’s Pieces
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Now A Ghost, From Coast To Coast

– You Can’t Make The Law Disappear
– Ermey, Anderson, Schwarzenegger
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We 
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Cinema PaulieDiso Gets Detention
– Jerry’s Happy Note x2
– A Special Bit From Another Great Radio Show
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #379 (04-13-2018)

“Mr. District Attorney” – champion of the people — defender of truth – guardian of our fundamental rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Hey, that’s kind of like us! Welcome to EMR, kids. Enjoy episode three-hundred-seventy-nine, won’t you?

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & GARRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE

I fell for guys who tried to com-
_mit suicide, with soft rock hair
_and bloodshot eyes. He tastes
_like Marlboro cigarettes, 
_Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups,
_a Pepsi in his hand, getting off
_the school bus. Films and
_drills and safety illustrations.
_The crushed cars of driver
_education. Now, it’s tattooed
_girls with a past they can’t
_remember, who pledged
_allegiance to a life of bending 
_the curriculum. She tastes
_like Spring, there she goes
_again..
.

EM NEWS
– Blow…In The Wind
– Taking A Look At Brotherhood Dickheadery
– The Case of The Marijuana Mice
– Never-ending Murder Story
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Drunk Can Get You Ten

– He’s A Starr
– Doolittle, Pitt, Franco
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We 
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Cinema PaulieDiso Gets Original
– Friday The 13th memes (on our FB page)
– Minnesota Vice
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #378 (04-06-2018)

The funny thing about the whole incident was the fact that we had never intended to land on Planet Nine. We circled it and decided it was strictly a low-grade affair. It wouldn’t amount to anything for a billion years or so. As Commander of the Galactic Survey Team, I couldn’t waste my time on it. Then my Exec saw this junkyard through the telescope. We landed. Took a look at a load of alien machine parts discarded by some other space ship and then prepared to take off for Earth. It had all been a waste of time. God Damnit! At least the unfiltered, smooth sounds of EMR were starting to come through the ships Cloudphonic Sound System. It was episode 378. Joy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & PAULIE

Here in my car, I feel safest of
_all. I can lock all my doors. It’s
_the only way to live. In cars.
_Here in my car, I can only re-
_ceive. I can listen to you. It
_keeps me stable for days. In
_cars. Here in my car, where
_the image breaks down. Will
_you visit me please, if I open
_my door? In cars. Here in my 
_car, I know I’ve started to
_think about leaving tonight.
_Although nothing seems right.
_In cars. In cars, in cars, in cars.
_In my car, in my car, in my car,
_in my car. In cars, in cars. In 
_my car, in my car, in my car, in
_my car. I’ve been sittin’, I’ve 
_been sittin’, I’ve been sittin’,
_I’ve been sittin’. In cars, in
_cars.

EM NEWS
– Secretly Making Kids
– Guard Your Romance
– What’s The Dilly, Yo?
– Happ En Stance
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Minor Celebrities, Major Sex

– Boll-Shit Lawsuit!
– Bochco, Troyer, Corman
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We 
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Cinema PaulieDiso mainlines it
– Too Close For Comfort (that EMR photo game)
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #377 (03-30-2018)

The Columbia Broadcasting System presents “Close-Ups,” the first in a series of adventures of an independent motion picture company. The star system has always been a costly one for independent producers, and Max Cohen, a kindly but excitable producer, conceives a brilliant scheme to avoid using high-priced stars. His plan is to hire the best director available, secure the best stories, and create stars out of two good-looking extras. He hires John Herr, famous Hollywood director, his able assistant Eddie, an ace cameraman, Hank, and then chooses from the ranks of extra players a girl named Gwendolyn D’Arcy and a leading man named Mortimer Willoughby. Fuck these cheap pricks! This is EMR. Incidentally, episode 3-7-7, if you hadn’t noticed. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & JERRY
YOUR GNUs MAN: GARRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE

I’ve gotta lotta nerve a. Gotta
_lotta do, do, do. You got it.
_You got it. Gotta lotta nerve
_a. You, you, you gotta lotta
_nerve a. Oh no, stop bitching
_indiscretion. You’re such an A1
_lover. Since when are you per-
_fection. Never true blue to me,
_so why are you getting nasty?
_Well, it’s lucky for you that I’m
_gonna keep dancing. Oh, I know.
_Everyone you know is perfect,
_perfect. Everything you do is
_perfect, perfect. Everywhere
_you go is perfect, perfect. So
_on, so on. But you gotta lotta
_nerve when you talk about love.
_If you gotta lotta nerve, we can
_talk about love. Oh you gotta
_lotta nerve a.

EM NEWS
– Gettin’ High Above A Flat Earth
– It’s Like Bringing A Knife To A Knife Fight
– Proof By Injury
– “Church” vs Tits

– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– The Icy “Berg” In Netflix’ Path

– Action! Whoa…Not That Much Action
– Teigen, Spurlock, Smith
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We 
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Cinema PaulieDiso drops a real bomb
– Jerry’s Happy Note x2
– An impromptu Drinking Out of Cups re-play
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #376 (03-23-2018)

Prophecy is an easy thing, for rarely is the prophet brought to judgement. Tonight I bring you a false prophecy. The place of our story is a great rocket speeding away from the moon. Yes, away! – for the first trip to the moon has finally taken place, and the triumphant airship is now rapidly returning to the mother earth. Here then, is a story about a tomorrow fifty-five years hence. September twentieth in the year of our Lord, two thousand. On board a rocket ship, a play that is – I sincerely hope – a very FALSE prophecy. It is. Trust us. It’s complete and utter bullshit. This is what we do. EMR – episode three-hundred-seventy-six. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & PAULIE
YOUR GNUs MAN: GARRY
YOUR HAPPY BASTARD: JERRY

Oil dripping on my head. Let’s
_go back to bed. Bring you
_back to me. Bring you back to
_me. Oil dripping on my head,

_bringing you back. From the
_dead. From the dead. Here’s
_wishing you were here with me.
_Here’s wishing we could
_massage history. History. I’m
_witness to what you do. Any-
_thing that you feel. In between.
_In between. You and me. You
_and me. Found at sea. Floating
_on debris. You’re so close. Close
_to me. Close to me. Oil drip-
_ping on my head. Let’s go back
_to bed. Bring you back. Bring
_you back. From the dead. From
_the dead. Wishing you were
_here with me. Wishing you were
_here. Let’s massage history. All
_the money’s gone.

EM NEWS
– Attention To Detail Ruins Money Deal
– The Baby. The Dirty Laundry
– Jesus Prefers Pizza Hut
– By The Way, Here’s Your Wallet

– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Funny Man, Serious Painting

– Oh…Robin!
– Lohan, Goldblum, Murray
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We 
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Cinema PaulieDiso moves up the ladder
– Jerry’s Happy Note x2
– That Fictional Bar or Club Game
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #375 (03-16-2018)

Three hundred and twenty-five days out of the year moonlight to me is just the reflected light of the sun, a light interesting only in that it may be analysed spectroscopically…But these thirty days of our vacation, Diane.. What a magical change! It’s a soft, lovers’ moon…hanging in the heavens only to brighten your loveliness…Have you lost your cookies yet? We have, and the only way to get those cookies back is to listen to some EMR. This is episode three-seventy-five. Please enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & GARRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE

I looked in the mirror today,
_my eyes just didn’t seem so
_bright. I’ve lost a few more
_hairs. I think I’m going bald.

_I think I’m going bald. Seems
_like only yesterday we would
_sit and talk of dreams all night.
_Dreams of youth and simple
_truths, now we’re so involved.
_So involved with life. Walk
_down Vanity Fair, memory lane
_everywhere. Wall Street
_shuffles there, dressed in flow-
_ing hair. Once we loved the
_flowers, now we ask the price
_of the land. Once we would
_take water, but now it must be
_wine.

EM NEWS
– Slow Justice For Bad Mom
– They Thought Fare Unfair
– Daycare Worker Ruined By Job
– Man Keeps The Important Stuff

– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Towering Legend Passes During Awards

– Lucas…Firmly On The Ground…Somewhat
– Cage, Bridges, Hamill
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We 
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Cinema PaulieDiso gives you a dozen opinions
– Strange Cognitive Biases
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #374 (03-05-2018)

Here’s a message for the motorist who does not feel that his car is performing as well as it should. It may sputter and jerk at starting. Fill your tank with Rio Grande Cracked with petro-ethyl, the dependable performance of which is responsible for its demand by police and fire departments. Rio Grande Cracked will bring out the best in your car. And EMR will bring out the best in your ability to stave off bullshit wherever it may surface. This is our 374th episode. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & MYRON
YOUR TECHMASTER 5K: JERRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE

My zippers bust, my buckles
_break. I’m too much man for
_you to take. The pavement
_cracks when I fall down. I’ve

_got more chins than China-
_town. Well I’ve never used a
_phone booth and I’ve never
_seen my toes. When I’m goin’
_to the movies, I take up seven
_rows. Because I’m fat, I’m fat,
_come on. You know I’m fat, I’m
_fat, you know it. You know I’m
_fat, I’m fat, come on..you know.
_Don’t you call me pudgy, portly
_or stout, just now tell me once
_again…who’s fat?

EM NEWS
– Legal Tits
– Dead Man Pays For Lunch
– I Hope That Someone Gets My. I Hope That Someone Gets My…
– I Never Get To Keep No Monkey

– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– The Bunny Ranch Gets Protection

– Can You Say Special? I Knew You Could
– McDormand, Ufland, Cavill
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We 
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Cinema PaulieDiso takes on the big three
– A Jerry’s Happy Note
– A tasty round of Shit or No Shit?
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #373 (03-02-2018)

The Columbia Broadcasting System presents “Close-Ups,” the first in a series of adventures of an independent motion picture company. The star system has always been a costly one for independent producers, and Max Cohen, a kindly but excitable producer, conceives a brilliant scheme to avoid using high-priced stars. His plan is to hire the best director available, secure the best stories, and create stars out of two good-looking extras. He hires John Herr, famous Hollywood director, his able assistant Eddie, an ace cameraman, Hank, and then chooses from the ranks of extra players a girl named Gwendolyn D’Arcy and a leading man named Mortimer Willoughby. We temporarily interrupt whatever the fuck is going on with The Columbia Broadcasting System to present “EMR,” the three-hundred and seventy third in an ongoing series. Please enjoy responsibly!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & JERRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE

I ain’t got a fever, got a perm-
_anent disease. And it’ll take
_more than a doctor to prescribe
_a remedy. I got lots of money,

_but it isn’t what I need. Gonna
_take more than a shot to get
_this poison out of me. And I got
_all the symptoms, count ’em –
_one, two, three. First you need,
_then you bleed and when you’re
_on your knees – that’s what you
_get for falling in love. You get a
_little, but it’s never enough. That’s
_what you get for falling in love.
_Now, this boy’s addicted, ’cause
_your kiss is the drug, whoa. Your
_love is like bad medicine. Bad
_medicine is what I need.

EM NEWS
– The Italian Postman May Not Ring At All
– First Time Victim, First Time Caller
– She Asked For It
– I Insure You – Your Money Is In My Hands

– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Don’t Ignore Wyan Seeqwest!

– Silent Bob Nearly Goes Silent…For Good
– White, Lee, Crowe
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We 
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Cinema PaulieDiso goes on a quest
– A brand new Analog Head-Trip
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #372 (02-23-2018)

This program is brought to you by a remedy for headache and other muscular aches and pains that does not cause stomach upset in the normal person. This preparation is called Cal-Aspirin and is a scientific combination of aspirin and the mineral calcium. It is now available at drugstores throughout the country. The Cal-Aspirin formula relieves a headache, neuritic and neuralgic pain, with great speed. Some of your own neighbors can probably vouch for this. Cal-Aspirin is sold on an unconditional money-back basis, incidentally, and costs very little. Get C-A-L-Aspirin at your drugstore today.  Be careful you get the real thing — Cal-Aspirin, in the black-and-yellow tube. That, friends is another fine non-sponsor of EMR. Won’t you please enjoy episode three-seventy-two?

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & GARRY
YOUR TECHMASTER 5K: JERRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE

There is a house in New Orleans,
_it’s called The Rising Sun. And
_it’s been the ruin of many a 
_poor boy and God, I know I’m 

_one. Oh, mother, tell your
_children, not to do what I have
_done. Spend your lives in sin
_and misery in The House of The
_Rising Sun. Well, I got one foot
_on the platform. The other
_foot on the train. I’m goin’ back
_to New Orleans to wear that ball
_and chain. Well, there is a house
_in New Orleans they call The
_Rising Sun, and it’s been the ruin
_of many a poor boy, and God, I know
_I’m one.

EM NEWS
– Bothersome Ambulance
– How’s About We Leave ‘er Til Spring?
– Scary Air Farts
– Fake Tickets, Stupid Event, Big Bucks

– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Rocker’s Wife Opens Up

– Bad Ads For India
– Kunis, Keaton, Chyna
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We 
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Cinema PaulieDiso seeks justice
– A Fuck Off! Rant
– A brand new Analog Head-Trip
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #371 (02-16-2018)

Man is the superior animal, endowed with intellect and instinct. But there comes a time when all that man can do is done – when all that he can say is said – and like a grain of sand he lies exposed in the palm – of the BIG HAND. ABC, in cooperation with the editors of SAGA, the true adventure magazine for men, brings you to the threshold of a man’s destiny at the moment when the line of fate in many hands intersect – that moment when the final answer lies only in the line of fate – in the palm of – THE BIG HAND! Blah, Blah, Blah…Big Hand, Go fuck yourself. This is EMR episode three-seventy-one. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & PAULIE

The barley heaps upon the
_floor, the product of the plow.
_Which makes the Whipmen
_drink about; here is a health

_to you: through frost and snow,
_they drive away, and nothing
_can come wrong. When once his
_spirit’s quickened with liquor
_good and strong. The whipman
_lad is seldom sad when health
_is full abound. And never rests
_full satisfied, until this year is
_crowned. His labor calls him
_forth to field, where he enjoys
_the air. Where he exerts his
_craft and skill, the earth still
_to prepare.

EM NEWS
– Visualize, If You Will, Worms
– Attempting To Kill Free Speech, One Bullshit Idea At A Time

– Killer Ice From Outer Space

– She’s A Firestarter

– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– I’m Happy That It’s Hip To Be Back In Love

– Making TIME For A Hero
– Cathey, Tosh, Allen
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We 
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Cinema PaulieDiso deals with a nut
– A Fuck Off! Rant
– Obvious Construction & Renovation Failures (pics on FB page)
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #370 (02-09-2018)

Lola sat down and crossed her legs at me. On her left knee, where I would have preferred to see a dimple, I saw a tattoo mark. Her gentleman friend Marty was a small, stocky guy — all teeth and New York tie. He shook hands all around and it felt like the paw of a stale stiff. He turned on the radio. eMpTy Minds. The all out assault on stupidity and bullshit, or so he claimed. A weight lifted. We all let out a sigh. Episode three-seventy saved us all that night.

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & PAULIE
YOUR TECHMASTER 5K: JERRY

I was out on the West Coast
_tryin’ to make a buck. And
_things didn’t work out, I was 
_down on my luck. Got tired of

_roamin’ and bummin’ around, so
_I started thumbin’ back East
_toward my home town. I was
_hungry and freezin’, done caught
_a chill, when the lights of a big
_semi topped the hill. At the
_wheel sit a big man, he weighed
_about two-ten. He stuck out his
_hand and said with a grin “Big
_Joe’s the name.” I told him mine.
_And he said “The name of my rig
_is Phantom 309.

EM NEWS
– Girl Scout Knows Her Clients
– Motel Targets In Sight. Fire!

– Et Ain’t E’en Real, Ya Wee Bastards!

– Retarded Rocket Man

– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– The Wood Case Is Back In Business

– Tate Movie Doesn’t Sit Well With Sister
– Edwards, Mahoney, Tarantino
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We 
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Cinema PaulieDiso heads down a violent path
– Jerry’s Happy Note x2
– Truth Potato (pics on FB page)
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #369 (02-02-2018)

The makers of Broheim-Seltzer bring you another thrilling adventure with EMR Goodhue, the celebrated gentlemen detective, in person. Goodhue, again, gives you a chance to match wits with him as he relates another story of a crime he alone unravels. Then, at the point where he was able to solve the mystery, he stops the play — gives you a chance to guess the criminal’s name. In the studio tonight, we have the usual suspects as noted below, including Gerald Maddog, Superintendent of the New York, New Haven and Hartford Railroad Police Force and Garry Q Junkins, director of radio publicity for the Dinklage Brothers and Conundrum and Hailey Combined Shows. Mr. Maddog and Mr. Junkins have accepted EMR Goodhue’s challenge to solve the mystery before the solution is revealed. If you don’t give a shit about any of that. Try EMR episode three-sixty-nine.

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & JERRY
YOUR GNUs MAN: GARRY

Some people will call me a
_dork, when I finally cover
_my entire pickup in cork.
_Let them bitch and let them

_wine, but this girl’s vehicle
_is looking so fine. The bumper
_reads Cork Truck, backwards,
_you see. In case I cruise up
_behind you in an art car
_emer-gen-cy. They zig and
_they zag and some form a wave.
_This many corks really kicks
_ass. The only surfaces not covered
_are mirrors and glass. It has been
_licensed, it’s legal to drive. So,
_don’t start hassling me with all of
_that jive. How does it handle the
_rain? Don’t be a goof. This baby’s
_made of corks…so it’s liquid proof.

EM NEWS
– The Chili Bus Murder
– The Hypocrisy of Big Sports & The Government

– Air Force Racist Outs Herself

– One Train, Two Train, Red, Yellow & Blue Train

– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Saved By The…Wait A Minute. Shoot Me Now

– A Bizarre Suit
– Hanks, Culkin, Leary
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We 
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Analog Head-Trip explores your musical past
– Fucking Bad Toy Designs
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #368 (01-26-2018)

 In a country as large as ours there are many odd and wonderful corners hidden away but none more fabulous and wonderful than the one conceived in the imagination of F. Scott Fitzgerald and located in the pages of his famous short story, “The Diamond as Big as the Ritz.” It is described in the words of John Unger, twenty years old, impressionable, and quite willing to swear to the truth of this whole strange affair. John Unger, a man of the truth. A man after the hearts of everyone involved with EMR. Truth, it would seem, is in short supply. Won’t you come along with us and soak some in? This is episode three-sixty-eight. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & GARRY
YOUR TECHMASTER 5K: JERRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE

Wake up, little Susie. Wake up.
_Wake up, little Susie. Wake up.
_Well I told your mama that 
_you’d be in by ten. Well, Susie

_baby, it looks like we goofed
_again. Wake up, little Susie.
_Wake up, little Susie. We gotta
_go home. Wake up, little Susie.
_Wake up, little Susie. The movie
_wasn’t so hot; it didn’t have much
_of a plot. We fell asleep, our
_goose is cooked, our reputation
_is shot. Wake up, little Susie.
_Wake up, little Susie. Well…
_What are we gonna tell your mama?
_What are we gonna tell your pa?
_What are we gonna tell our friends,
_when they say ooh-lah-lah, wake up,
_little Susie? Wake up, little Susie.
_Wake up, little Susie...

EM NEWS
– Missile Inbound, Please Reset Password
– Network Specialist, Preacher, Wife Killer

– Trapped In A Fire of His Own Creation

– Long Awaited Legalization

– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– It Was a Rush While It Lasted

– A Man Needs His ‘Guins…
– Sawyer, John, Diamond
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We 
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Cinema PaulieDiso has its up and downs
– Techin’ It Up The Ass – Robot Gets Fired
– A Bonus Story, For Jerry
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #367 (01-19-2018)

Somewhere in the vaults of the bank of Cox and Co., at Charing Cross, there is a travel-worn and battered tin dispatch-box with my name, John H. Watson, M. D., Late Indian Army, painted upon the lid. It is crammed with papers, nearly all of which are records of cases to illustrate the curious problems which Mr. Sherlock Holmes had at various times to examine. … Among these unfinished tales is that of Mr. James Phillimore, who stepping back into his own house to get his umbrella, was never more seen in this world. Of course not! EMR was on the radio and he decided to listen to it…FOREVER. BWAHAHAHA. This is episode three-hundred-sixty-seven. Start your addiction now.

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & PAULIE

If the windows get fogged, you’ll
_have to take a breath. Down at
_the drive-in. Or the cat dressed
_in white will scare you both to

_death. Down at the drive-in. A
_big buttered popcorn and an
_extra large Coke, a few chili dogs
_and man I’m goin’ broke. Down at
_the drive-in. Yeah at the drive-in.
_We love the drive-in. We love the
_drive-in. Don’t sneak your buddies
_in the trunk, ’cause they might
_get caught, by the drive-in. And
_they’d look kinda stupid gettin’
_chased through the lot. Around
_the drive-in. If you say you watch
_the movie, you’re a couple of liars.
_And remember only you can
_prevent forest fires.

EM NEWS
– This Weather’s Got ‘Em By The Balls
– Isn’t That Just Klan-Fucking-Tastic?!

– Second Story Man

– As If The Job Wasn’t Bad Enough

– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– More YouRules

– One Man’s Trash…
– Haggis, O’Riordan, Kunis
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We 
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Cinema PaulieDiso is more about stature than stature
– Twisted Airline Safety Card Instructions (pics on our FB page)
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #366 (01-12-2018)

Welcome again to Ivy. Ivy College that is. In the little town of Ivy, USA. For many families breakfast is a small pandemonium filled with the clatter of cups, the confusion of tongues, desperate last gulps of scorching coffee and the mad dash to the bus station. But for Doctor William Todhunter Hall, president of Ivy, and his wife, Victoria, it’s usually an unruffled few moments put aside for their private lives. This morning, for instance, Victoria is arranging a bowl of flowers on the table while Doctor Hall is thoughtfully staring at a highly polished spoon. It won’t be polished for long though. See, Doctor Hall is about to shove that highly polished spoon straight up his ass! It’s EMR time, motherfuckers. This is episode three-hundred-sixty-six. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & JERRY
YOUR GNUs MAN: GARRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE

If you ever plan to motor west,
_travel my way, take the highway,
_that is best. Get your kicks on
_Route 66. It winds from Chicago

_to LA, more than 2000 miles all
_the way. Get your kicks on Route
_66. Now, you go through Saint
_Looey, Joplin, Missouri and
_Oklahoma City is mighty pretty.
_You see Amarillo, Gallup, New
_Mexico, Flagstaff, Arizona, don’t
_forget Winona, Kingman, Barstow,
_San Bernardino, Won’t you get hip
_to this timely tip? When you make
_that California trip, get your kicks
_on Route 66. Won’t you get hip to
_this timely tip? Get your kicks on
_Route 66. Won’t you get hip to this
_timely tip? Get your kicks on Route
_66.

EM NEWS
– White + Powder + Nose
– Skol Is Wrong. Why Not Vickings?

– Shooting People To Save Them

– The Huh Duh Advertising Squad

– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Let The Man Speak

– Censorship Is Alive & Well & Strange
– Sorvino, Trebek, Box
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We 
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Cinema PaulieDiso goes on a caper
– Techin’ It Up The Ass
– An Onion News Story of The Week
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #365 (01-05-2018)

Happy 2018, EMR listener! New year. New idiots to make fun of. New crazy EMR antics, and some old ones too. Hope it is a good one for you and yours. Here is the first new theme of the year – drive-in theater signs. This is episode 365. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & PAULIE

I spent all my childhood years
_wishin’ that I looked like a 
_movie star. Cigarette behind my
_ear, leanin’ up against a muscle

_car. Wanna know all the things

_that I shouldn’t know. Got
_smokes that I stole from the 
_Seven-Eleven. Everybody’s at
_the drive-in, I wanna go. I 
_wanna be the guy who doesn’t

_like to fight, but who could kick
_your ass if you touch his girl. I

_wanna be the guy who breaks all
_the rules, but the cops let him off
_’cause they think he’s cool. Wanna
_know all the things that I shouldn’t
_know. Got smokes that I stole from
_the Seven-Eleven. Everybody’s at
_the drive-in, I wanna go.

EM NEWS
– The Happy Accident
– Ima Do It Again…And Again. And Again

– Fishy Women Wanted

– Vegan Newlyweds Only Give A Shit About Themselves

– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– It Doesn’t Get Any Wilder

– The Chics of Hollywood
– Starr, Jones, Reynolds, Cummins
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We 
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Cinema PaulieDiso takes a look in the trunk
– A brief Fuck Off! rant
– An all new Five Minute Cinema
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #364 – New Year’s Show (12-29-2017)

And then there was but one. One EMR left of 2017, that is…and this is it. It’s been a great year. We have had a ton of fun. Some great guests. Some interesting conversations. Thought provoking conversations and a million absolute throw away conversations from the comedy pool that is EMR. We hope you have enjoyed the show this year and all of the previous years. Happy New Year! We will see you in 2018.

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & PAULIE
YOUR GNUs MAN: GARRY
YOUR TECHMASTER 5K: JERRY

Maybe it’s too early in the game,
_ahh but I thought I’d ask you just
_the same. What are you doing
_New Year’s…New Year’s Eve?

_Wonder who’s arms will hold you

_good and tight, when it’s exactly
_twelve o’clock that night. Wel-
_coming in the New Year. New 
_Year’s Eve. Maybe I’m crazy to
_suppose I’d ever be the one you

_chose, out of a thousand in-
_vitations you received. Ahh, but

_in the case I stand one little
_chance, here comes the jackpot
_question in advance. What are you
_doing New Year’s…New Year’s Eve?
_In case I stand just one little
_chance – what are you doing? What
_are you doing New Year’s…New
_Year’s Eve?

EM NEWS
– The Dumb Swede
– Smokes or Go Fuck Yourself!

– Don’t Grab A Gun By The Trigger

– Turn About Is Fucked Up

– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Before Bond Girls…

– Techno, Appropriately, Spun By Robot
– Curtis, Urich, Marie
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We 
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Cinema PaulieDiso – 2017 in review
– Techin’ It Up The Ass – Jerry’s 2018 predictions
– The Craziest EMR New Year’s Eve Quiz Ever!
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #363 The Big Christmas Show (12-22-2017)

Ten-fifty-nine. His palms were sweating. His right hand shaking on his holstered pistol. His thumb unsnapped the button. He raised his weapon slowly as he approached the short flight of stairs that led up to the patrol room. He could make out three voices for sure, possibly a fourth. It was Christmas Eve. What the god damn hell was he doing here, again, on Christmas Eve? He walked in small, frightened steps. Four figures became visible in the frosted glass. The door swings open abruptly. His gun trained. Four revelers decked to the nines in festive evening wear. Booze bottles flailing around in their hands.  Co-workers. Friends. “We didn’t want you to be here stuck all alone on Christmas, Boyo.” He lowered his weapon. Smiled. Relief. Screaming tires on the pavement out front. Automatic fire. Muzzle flashes. Shattering Glass. EMR episode 363 murmured on, in the background, on the Bakelite radio. Enjoy

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & GARRY
YOUR TECHMASTER 5K: JERRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE
YOUR SPECIAL GUEST: CLAMBOY
YOUR BONUS GUEST: COUSIN TODD

We three kings of Orient are
_puffing on a rubber cigar. It was
_loaded. It exploded. <BANG> We 
_two kings of Orient are puffing

_on a rubber cigar. It was loaded.

_It exploded. <BANG> I one king
_or Orient are puffing on a rubber
_cigar. It was loaded. It exploded.
_<BANG> Silent night, holy night.
_All is calm, all is bright. Silent

_night, holy night. Shepard’s 
_quake, at the site. Silent night,

_holy night. All is calm, all is bright.
_<BANG>.

EM NEWS
– T.H.C.B.Y.
– Another Idiot Parent Upset Over Nothing

– Suck My Dick, Attorney At Law

– Slap On Wrist For Retard Guard

– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– This Year’s Big Important List

– I Heard You’re Hearing Pitches, Bitches
– Lambesis, Salling, Fox
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We 
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Cinema PaulieDiso takes on the holidays
– Christmas limericks
– Our annual Gay German reading of A Visit From St Nicholas
– Clamboy’s obscure Xmas countdown, Darryl from Beaverdale & more
– A special visit from Cousin Todd w/ Gifts
– A Jerry’s Happy Note
– It’s Read S-E-X-X-Y
– An additional ton of Christmas fun!
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #362 (12-15-2017)

Ten-fifty-seven. The caged clock on the wall clicked so slowly. Yes, he was the watch commander…out of homicide. Once again working a sad, dreary, uneventful Christmas Eve night. Nobody was around. It was so quiet he could hear the maddening hum of electronics. He could feel beams of light. He pounded his fist on his desk. “God Damnit! What the hell am I doing here again on Christmas?” Where else would he be? A bar? And what’s wrong with that? It sure beats this. Thud. Thud, thud, thud. The unmistakable sound of car doors slamming shut. He sprang to his feet. The patrol-men rode in twos, tops. What was this? He put his hand to his holstered weapon as EMR episode three-sixty-two murmured on in the background. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & JERRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE

Once I was alone, so lonely and
_then…you came out of nowhere
_like the sun up from the hills. 
_Cold, cold was the wind. Warm,

_warm were your lips. Out there

_on that ski trail, where your kiss
_filled me with thrills. A weekend
_in Canada, a change of scene was
_the most I bargained for. And then
_I discovered you, and in your eyes

_I found the love that I couldn’t
_ignore. Down, down came the sun.

_Fast, fast, fast beat my heart. I
_knew when the sun set, from that
_day, we’d never ever part. From
_that day, we’d never ever part.

EM NEWS
– The Mad Shittist
– Hey, Hey, Hey – Give Me Your Wallet, Bitches

– The Ghost Fucker

– Build A Fucking Snowman

– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Cinema Arabia

– Uptightism Tries To Take Another Bite Out of Hollywood
– Homme, Tyler, Apa
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We 
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Cinema PaulieDiso is gonna kick your ass
– Techin’ It Up The Ass

– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #361 (12-08-2017)

He found himself working the desk again. He swore he would never be here again…working the desk, on Christmas Eve. He didn’t really have a family to be home with; not any more. But still he felt like anywhere would be better than here. Homicide…on Christmas Eve. It could lead a man to a life of drinking he thought. Then he chuckled. “Lead a man…” he said to himself. “Done that.” He glanced up at the caged clock on the wall. Five minutes after ten p.m. EMR was playing on his desktop radio. It was episode three-sixty-one. Tonight, he was the shift commander and little did he know that in less than an hour his life would be forever changed. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & PAULIE
YOUR GNUs MAN: GARRY

Here we come a-wassailing among
_the leaves so green. Here we 
_come a-wand’ring, so fair to be 
_seen. Love and joy come to you

_and to you your wassail too. And

_god bless you and send you a
_happy new year and god send you
_a happy new year. Our wassail cup
_is made of the rosemary tree, and
_so is your beer of the best barley.

_We are not daily beggars that beg 
_from door to door. But we are

_neighbors’ children, whom you
_have seen before. Love and joy
_come to you and you your wassail
_too. And god bless you and send you
_a happy new year
.

EM NEWS
– Fly High Like A Bird Up In The Sky
– The Lowest of The Low – The Donut Thief

– Egg Shell With Romalian Type

– Woof! Have A Skull

– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– An Unusual Suspect

– Bond? Not Fucking Quite
– Rush, Hallyday, Johnson
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We 
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Cinema PaulieDiso takes you to an old, familiar place
– The Nuttiest Bumper Stickers Ever! (FB page)

– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #360 (12-01-2017)

December again. Yepper, we are damn near at the end of this thing called 2017.  Crazy thought – there will always be a morning, afternoon, evening, night. Always a Monday, Tuesday, and all of the other days of the week. A January, a February and all of the other months. But never, ever, ever will there be another 2017. Take that to heart OR throw it out with last night’s leftovers. We don’t give a shit. We do care whether or not you listen to EMR though. This is episode three-hundred-sixty. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & JERRY
YOUR GNUs MAN: GARRY

I’m dreaming of a white Christmas.
_Just like the ones I used to know.
_Where the treetops glisten, and
_children listen to hear sleigh-

_bells in the snow. I’m dreaming

_of a white Christmas with every
_Christmas card I write. May your
_days be merry and bright, and
_may all of your Christmases be
_white. 
I’m dreaming of a white
_Christmas. Just like the ones I
_
used to know. Where the treetops
_glisten, and children listen to hear
_sleigh-bells in the snow
.

EM NEWS
– Angelina Ghoulie
– Guess Who The Nazi Donates To?

– Drawing Lines In Education

– Eight-Year-Olds, Dude

– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– In Hot Waters?

– Clawing His Way Out
– Cochran, River, Nabors
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We 
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– An all new Analog Head-Trip
– We bring you a classic Letterman game

– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #359 (11-24-2017)

Tonight, the Columbia Workshop offers the first radio presentation of the famous Irish folk play “The Well of the Saints.” As conceived by John Millington Synge, one of Ireland’s greatest dramatists, this delightful fantasy blending mysticism with humor, rich in the poetry and music of the Irish peasantry, provides an unusual opportunity for experimental presentation. The version you’re about to hear, while faithful to the original play, is freely adapted for the medium of radio drama. IF you’ve had enough that…how about a little EMR?  It’s episode three-fifty-nine, kids…and it’s a winner. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & GARRY
YOUR TECHMASTER 5K: JERRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE

We’ve done thousands of things
_together. Feels like we’ve been
_friends forever. But there’s one
_thing I know you’ve never done.

_The time has come. I don’t 

_care about the weather. I’ll
_meet you there, whatever. 
_Fifty-four holes of putting 
_pleasure await. It’s a date. And
_I don’t know what your plans
_are, but I won’t take no for an
_answer. It might be minus five
_outisde, but my pants are plus
_fours. Thus forth. Who cares
_what we score? I’ve loved you

_lots before. But I’ve never 

_loved you more. A hole-in-one

_at fifty-four. And I don’t know 
_what your plans are, but I won’t
_take no for an answer. Yeah, I
_don’t know what your plans are,
_ but I won’t take no for answer.
_I won’t take no for an answer.
_No, I won’t take no…at fifty-
_four, fifty-four, fifty-four. No,
_I won’t take no for an answer.
_I don’t care what your plans are.
_I won’t take a no. Not at fifty-
_four.

EM NEWS
– Australian Statue Hands Child An Erection
– Illegal Lack of Contact Info

– Typical Georgia

– Zombies Cause A Problem At School

– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Still Bored?

– Put Face On Problem, Comrade
– Wedgeworth, Ford, Hetfield
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We 
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Cinema PaulieDiso steps back into the shadows
– Techin’ It Up The Ass – 2017 Tech Turkeys
– The Onion Jesus story

– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #358 (11-17-2017)

This story starts as so many others do – with a man, a knife, the pouring rain, a skipping record and a singular thought. Tonight’s episode of EMR Mystery Theater, performed live at he Paper Street Repertoire Theater by its renowned in-house cast, has been brought you by Sudso. Yes, Sudso…because some shit just won’t come out. AND Jolly Jerk-Off Brand Vegetables. Try our cream corn today! Nothing is creamier than our creamy cream corn. Okay, so…this is actually just a regular EMR episode…it’s number three-fifty-eight. Enjoy

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & JERRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE

The straight away. The loop de
_loop. An incline and a cement
_pond or two. A hot dog and a 
_soda, a pleasant summer day.

_A windmill’s blade comes 

_swooping down and smacks
_my ball the opposite way.
_Concrete here, metal rail 
_there, outdoor carpeting
_every where. Standing still,
_I’m pensive, not sure how 
_this can be. That six foot 
_plastic clown, I swear he’s
_laughing at me. Eighteen holes
_of madness, getting tougher

_one by one. I ponder just drop-

_ping the ball in, but then I’d 

_miss half the fun. All total, this
_course measure nearly a mile. A
_day of golfing fun, all done mini-
_ature style.

EM NEWS
– That’s Pure Goose Poop!
– Small Town Council Member Makes Big Town Threats

– Johnny Melonhip Wins!

– Scamming The System

– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Savior of The Lost

– The Kids Are Okay
– Smith, Mosley, Kimmel
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We 
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Cinema PaulieDiso is at war
– Techin’ It Up The Ass x3
– Minnesota Vice
– The Big Bad 2017 EMR Thanksgiving Quiz
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #357 (11-10-2017)

A man stood upon a railroad bridge in northern Alabama, looking down through the ties at the swift water twenty feet below. The man’s hands were behind his back, the wrists bound with a cord. A rope closely encircled his neck. It was attached to a stout cross-timber above his head, and the slack fell to the level of his knees. He watched a piece of dancing driftwood racing down the current beneath his feet. He thought–fuck this! EMR is on right now and my laptop is at home. He went home. Don’t you think you should be at home with EMR? This is three-fifty-seven.

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & PAULIE

We arrive with the sun smog
_up in the vintage London fog.
_I’m fuckin’ your G after you 
_took her to miniature golf.

_From the floor of this shitty-

_ass kitchen, I see hella cats in
_my General Tsao’s chicken. 
_And your dog’s in the black
_bean sauce. Fuck the wrong
_bitch raw and have your dick
_bound up in gauze. I’m not
_worried about no air time. I’m
_more concerned about when
_my bald spot’ll reach my hair-
_line. Cats be 
stuck on that Grinch-
_colored 
lie, with one bloodshot
_and a 
twitch up in the other eye. 
_So you get struck by the strong
_safety, when you a serial killer
_clown like John Wayne Gacey. 
_Donate that track to charity,
_watch it become a TRL calamity,
_soon to be parodied. I stay
_married to some D-cup breasteses,
_with music, weed and porno as my
_mistresses. We all weirdos, anti-
_heroes. The one’s your mom said
_wouldn’t amount to fuckin’ zero.

EM NEWS
– Dog’s Ear Looks Like Asshole
– Fuck The Fucking Football Park

– The Church of Double Entendre’

– Rape Prayer

– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– The Famed Hoodie

– Asshole Mouse Lifts Times Ban
– Kunis, Cutkosky, Diddy
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We 
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Cinema PaulieDiso goes ape shit
– An Obit Bonus
– A round of The Great EMR TV Spin-Off Quiz
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #356 (11-02-2017)

My name’s Pete Kelly. I play cornet. You’ll find us at 417 Cherry Street, Kansas City, it’s a standard speakeasy. Before prohibition the building housed a cleaning and dying plant. It hasn’t changed much. The vats came in handy. Its still tough to get a clear gin but a lady likes the idea of a drink to match the color of her dress. The lease is owned by George Lupo. He’s a flat, friendly little guy who wouldn’t harm a fly. There’s no money in harming flies. We start every night about ten and play til the customers get that first frightening look at each other in the early light. Lupo’s working on a scheme to push the dawn back for at least one more hour. I don’t think he’ll make it, but I wouldn’t want to risk a buck against him. You see, he’s an EMR listener. An informed fella. One of the good guys. One night he got me listening. Maybe you should too. This here is three-fifty-six, as good a place to start as any. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & GARRY
YOUR HAPPINESS GURU: JERRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE

Miniature golf and Hondas in
_the hills. When we rode the
_horse, we got some thrills. 
_Every now and then, we hear

_our song. We’ve been having

_fun all summer long. T-shirts,
_cut-offs and a pair of thongs.
_We’ve been having fun all
_summer long. Miniature golf
_and Hondas in the hills. We’ve
_been having fun all summer 
_long. Won’t be long ’till 
_summertime is through. Not 
_for us now. Every now and 
_then we hear our song. We’ve
_been having fun all summer
_long.

EM NEWS
– White Supremacy Anal Hygiene
– Barney Darko

– Drinking Inside The Cooler

– Thor Hates Apples!

– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Burn, Harvey, Burn!

– Greed Hurts Other Greedy Companies
– Jackson, Feldman, Fillion
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We 
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Cinema PaulieDiso – No Apologies
– Jerry’s Happy Note x 3
– A Fuck Off! Rant
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #355 (Big Halloween Show)

My dear Mr. Otis, I feel it my bounden duty, as the present owner of Canterville Chase, to acquaint you and your family, as the prospective owners, with the facts. Your belief in them rests, quite naturally, with yourselves. In America, my lord, we have everything that money can buy. We have many of your best actors, your prima donnas, your plays, your novels, your works of art. Believe me, if there were such a thing as a ghost in Europe or England, we’d have it at home in one of our public museums or on the road, even in an EMR podcast. Spooky Spooky. This is 355. Happy Halloween!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & PAULIE
YOUR GNUs MAN: GARRY

Do you believe in magic, in a
_young girl’s heart? How the
_music can free her whenever
_it starts. And it’s magic if the

_music is groovy. It makes you

_feel happy like an old time
_movie. I’ll tell you about the
_magic, and it’ll free your soul.
_But it’s like trying to tell a
_stranger ’bout Rock N’ Roll.
_If you believe in magic, don’t
_bother to choose, if it’s jug
_band music or rhythm and  
_blues. Just go and listen, it’ll
_start with a smile

EM NEWS
– New Father Overcome By Entrepreneurial Spirit
– The Old, Possibly Reversed Racism, Switcharoo…Maybe

– Stripper Stoled His Guns

– Cemetery Full of Geeky Surprises

– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Me Too, Motherfucker!

– The Vampire’s Musician
– Toback, Guillaume, Domino
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We 
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Paulie’s Cavalcade of LA Pics
– A classic EMR Halloween bit
– EMR Ghost Stories
– Clamboy & Cucumber’s Halloween Scavenger Hunt (play along on our FB page)
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #354 (10-20-2017)

Ten o’clock in the morning in Santa Margurita’s ancient bastille of stone which hugs the waterfront at the north end of the city. This filthy hole of a jail, built long ago to hold criminals and slaves newly brought over from Spain, stands so close to the South Atlantic Ocean that twenty feet of its lower wall is awash at high-tide and four to six feet is under water at ALL times. And this is where Doc and Reggie have been lodged; in the state of San Moreno’s one and only prison in San Moreno’s one and only seaport, Santa Margurita. They are prisoners, accused of the murder of a piano player in the waterfront saloon, the Blue Circle. That was last night. Tonight, a round of EMR…on the house. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & JERRY
YOUR SPECIAL GUEST: WERNER

I like to dream,yes…yes, right
_between my sound machine.
_On a cloud of sound I drift in 
_the night, any place it goes is

_right. Goes far, flies near, to

_the stars away from here. Well,
_you don’t know what we can
_find. Why don’t you come with
_me, little girl, on a magic car-
_pet ride? You don’t know what
_we can see. Why don’t you tell
_your dreams to me? Fantasy
_will set you free. Close your 
_eyes girl, look inside girl, let
_the sound take you away. Last
_night I held Aladdin’s Lamp,
_and so I wished that I could stay.
_Before the thing could answer me,
_well, someone came and took the
_lamp away…

EM NEWS
– She’s A Spicy Gal
– Jesus Has Something To Say

– Precious, Precious Waste

– God Damn…What A Turn Out!

– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Historic, Game Changing Press Conference

– The Hollywood Age Buzz
– Flynt, Downie, Silverstone
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We 
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Jerry’s Happy Note x 3
– We visit with special guest Werner
– Minnesota Vice
– Werner’s Postcard Cavalcade (all on our FB page)
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #353 (10-13-2017)

This is the story of a young man who married a girl who has nothing in life except her own beauty — neither education nor background nor any real contact with the world. Her name was Amanda Dyke until Edward Leighton, a handsome young Southerner who lives in a mansion on the hill, married her and took her away from her strict father, who kept her close in their Virginia valley. This is the strange story of Edward and Amanda who now, in spite of the hatreds of both their families, seek happiness on Honeymoon Hill in Virginia, in a world that few Americans know. Her name is Amanda Dyke. It’s your guess as to what that mysterious world might be. Only kidding, EMR Kiddies. Welcome to episode three-hundred-fifty-three. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & GARRY
YOUR TECHMASTER 5K: JERRY

It’s magic, you know. Never
_believe it’s not so. It’s magic,
_you know. Never believe it’s
_not so. Never been awake.

_Never seen a daybreak. Lean-

_ing on my pillow in the morn-
_ing, lazy day in bed, music in
_my head. Crazy music playing
_in the morning light. I love my
_sunny day, dream of far away.
_Dreaming on my pillow in the
_morning. Never been awake.
_Never seen a daybreak. Lean-
_ing on my pillow in the morn-
_ing light. It’s magic, you know.
_Never believe it’s not so. It’s
_magic, you know. Never
_believe it’s not so. It’s magic,
_you know
.

EM NEWS
– Child of The Mormon Corn
– Foam Shooting Spree

– Dine, Bomb Threat, And Dash

– This Little Piggy Went To The Market

– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– No Fucking Re-Makes, Please

– Shatner Compares Two-Face To Shooter
– Weinstein, Reedus, Yelchin
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We 
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Jerry’s Happy Note x 3 + Bonus
– Very Odd Attempted Pawns
– Our traditional Friday The 13th Memes (on our FB page)
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #352 (10-06-2017)

The police whistle and the siren bring again for your entertainment one of the secret cases of the National Surety Company. Tonight’s story is based on a residence burglary that baffled detective Harkness until he became perplexed over an incidental phase of the case. But the detective will explain all this himself…another time…another place. Right now he is listening to EMR episode 352. Don’t you think you should be too? Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & JERRY
YOUR GNUs MAN: GARRY

Oh, twisted, under sideways
_down. I know you’re getting
_twisted and you can’t calm
_down. I see you under the

_midnight, love darts in your

_eyes. How far can you take it
_’til you realize, there’s magic
_in your eyes? I got a hold on
_you. I got a hold on you. I got
_a hold on you tonight. Oh oh
_it’s magic, when I’m with you.
_Just a little bit of magic pulls
_me through. I’ve got a hold on
_you I got a hold on you. I got
_a hold on you tonight. That’s
_right – it’s magic. Let’s try…it’s
_magic. Oh oh it’s magic. That’s
_true, it’s magic…when I’m
_with you
.

EM NEWS
– That’s Doctor Sugar Daddy
– That’s Some Kind of Record, Asshole

– Don’t Flush Babies In Our Toilets

– A Landing For Jesus

– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Wonder Woman Says Shut The Fuck Up!

– The Gefs, Once Again, Coughs Up The Cash
– Hall, Petty, Low, Dreyfuss
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We 
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– A round of “This Quiz Is Either Impossible or Fucking Retarded!”
– A brand spankin’ new Analog Head-Trip
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #351 (09-29-2017)

In the crumbling palace of Vultan, amid the shouts of the disorganized guards, Flash and Dale break away as the mighty King flies into the air, and hurling himself on Flash, drags him to the floor and prepares to execute him by his own hands. Meanwhile, Dr. Zarkov and Prince Barin are rushing towards the throne room. Just then, the thunderous sounds of EMR episode three-hundred-fifty-one echoed through the cavernous chambers. Suddenly, enemies became friends. Dancing erupted. And then Flash woke up. Sweating. Episode 351 on his iPod. Enoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & JERRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE

The machine of a dream, such
_a clean machine, with the 
_pistons a pumpin’ and the hub-
_caps all gleam. When I’m hold-

_ing your wheel, all I hear is 

_your gear. When my hand’s on
_your grease gun, oh it’s like a 
_disease, son. I’m in love with
_my car. Got a feel for my auto-
_mobile. Get a grip on my boy
_racer roll-bar. Such a thrill 
_when your radials squeal. Told
_my girl I just had to forget her. I’d
_rather buy a new carburetor. So
_she made tracks, sayin’ this is 
_the end now. Cars don’t talk
_back, they’re just four-wheeled
_friends now. When I’m cruisin’
_in overdrive, don’t have to
_listen to no run of the mill talk
_jive. I’m in love with my car
.

EM NEWS
– Traffic Cancer
– Questions Are Cop Killers

– Molly The Four-Legged Horder

– Tree Snapping Fuck

– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Arguably Rotten Tomato Hates Rotten Tomatoes

– Banned Book Bonanza
– Tyler, Pitbull, Elba
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We 
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Cinema PaulieDiso dives into “horror”
– A brand spankin’ new Analog Head-Trip
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #350 (09-22-2017)

The Great Gildersleeve is brought to you by the Kraft Foods Company, makers of the famous cheese food Velveeta. Everybody goes for Velveeta’s rich yet mild cheddar cheese flavor, in snacks and sandwiches and in hot dishes. And hidden in that swell cheese flavor are important nutrients from milk. That’s why smart homemakers keep Velveeta on hand regularly to spread or slice, and to melt for grand economical hot dishes. Tomorrow, get Velveeta, the cheese food of Kraft quality! And now…our program – It’s seldom you find the Great Gildersleeve sitting in a movie, unless there’s an added attraction. This evening, the added attraction is coming from the digital audio streaming device built into his butt-plug. It is being vibrated through his entire body all the way to his ear-drums where he is listening to EMR episode three-fifty, with a sly smile on his face. Won’t you join him?

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & GARRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE

We want to multiply. Are you
_gonna do it? I know you’re
_qualified. Are you gonna do it?
_Don’t be so circumscribed. Are

_you gonna do it? Just get your-

_self untied. Are you gonna do
_it? Feel the heat, pushing you
_to decide. Feel the heat, 
_burning you up, ready or not.
_Some like it hot and some
_sweat when the heat is on. 
_Some feel the heat and decide
_that they can’t go on. Some
_like it hot, but you can’t tell
_how hot till you try. Some like
_it hot, so let’s turn up the heat
_’til we fry. The girl is at your
_side. Are you gonna do it? She
_wants to be your bride. Are
_you gonna do it? She wants to
_multiply. Are you gonna do it?
_I know you won’t be satisfied,
_until you do it.

EM NEWS
– The Mad Pooper What Poops In Your Front Yard
– Fixer Uppers Trigger “Christian” Loons

– Lighting Fires Under A Bank’s Ass

– That’s The Accident & I’m Not Sticking Around

– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Location, Location, Lo…Bad Location

– The Crow Count Is One – One Asshole
– Curtis, Stanton, LaMotta
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We 
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Cinema PaulieDiso presents – violent kids
– A solid round of Fucking Ridiculous Movie Trivia
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #349 (09-15-2017)

Greetings from Hollywood, ladies and gentlemen! Tonight, “The Lux Radio Theatre” will be curtailed to forty-five minutes, so that we may all hear the President Of The United States, Vice-President Wallace, and Secretary of Agriculture Wickard shit their pants. Stay tuned to this station and you’ll be sure to hear them! Now, compared to what Barbara Stanwyck does to Henry Fonda in tonight’s play “The Lady Eve”, the woes of Adam, seem like the life of Riley! Eve used an apple; Miss Stanwyck, aided and abetted by Charles Coburn, uses a deck of cards, a treacherous disguise, and a tropic moon! After what Barbara did with this blitzkrieg combination in the Paramount Picture, Henry Fonda should be forewarned of what’s ahead of him tonight! Yes…ummm…all of that fucking crap and then some…possibly. Probably not. Tonight on EMR episode 349. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & JERRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE

Money, get away. Get a good 
_job with more pay and you’re
_okay. Money, it’s a gas. Grab 
_that cash with both hands and

_and make a stash. New car,

_caviar, four star, daydream,
_think I’ll buy me a football 
_team. Money, get back. I’m
_alright, Jack, keep your hands
_off of my stack. Money, it’s a
_hit. Don’t give me that do
_goody good bullshit. I’m in the
_high-fidelity, first-class
_travelling set, and I think I
_need a Lear Jet. Money, it’s a
_crime. Share it fairly, but don’t
_take a slice of my pie. Money,
_so they say – is the root of all
_evil today. But if you ask for a
_rise, it’s no surprise that
_they’re giving none away. Away.
_Away. Away. Away.

EM NEWS
– Fatberg Rules The Sewer
– Killing Nature – Totally Fine For State Assholes

– The Ecological Vomit Cloud

– Bad Arrest Weekend

– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– All About The Letters

– Swappable Directors
– Wein, Lew, Huston, Neeson
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We 
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Cinema PaulieDiso presents – the seedy underbelly
– Techin’ It Up The Ass x 3
– A hot round of “Who Were They Then?” (that EMR famous band name game)
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #348 (09-08-2017)

She’s a novelist and short-story writer. Master of the sunny mood that turns to terror in a single sentence. But her statements are not dark for the sake of darkness; rather for the bitter truth that’s in them. Shirley Jackson. Tonight, we present one of the most dramatic and horrifying of the Shirley Jackson stories, “The Lottery.” “The Lottery,” will be heard immediately following this announcement from eMpTy Minds Radio – “We at EMR say FUCK that other shit. Listen to us. Thanks.” We are now switching the channel to EMR episode 348. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & PAULIE
YOUR GNUs MAN: GARRY
YOUR ANALOG KID: JERRY

We sometimes catch a window,
_a glimpse of what’s beyond. 
_Was it just imagination 
_stringing us along? More things

_than are dreamed about, 

_unseen and unexplained. We
_suspend our disbelief and we
_are entertained. Mystic 
_Rhythms capture my thoughts
_and carry them away. Nature
_seems to spin a supernatural
_way. Mystic Rhythms under
_city lights or a canopy of stars.
_We feel the powers and we
_wonder what they are. We
_feel the push and pull of rest-
_less rhythms from afar.

EM NEWS
– Man Bun Man Burns At Burning Man’s Man Burning Ceremony
– Snoopy Neighbor Ruins Happy Endings

– Shoplifter Pockets Police Unit

– Always Argue With Weapons

– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Talk About Surreal!

– It’s Back, But Is It Back?
– Berman, Becker, Bennet
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We 
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Cinema PaulieDiso presents – a story about something else
– An all new Analog Head-Trip
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #347 (09-01-2017)

Each Monday, Wednesday and Friday, Campbell’s Tomato Juice brings you Campbell’s Short Short Story, complete in each broadcast. Today’s “Success Story” stars Betty Garde as Bernice Morgan. Oh yeah…the great fucking Betty Garde. Whoever the hell that is. This isn’t tomato juice, friends and it sure as hell ain’t a success story. It’s eMpTy Minds Fucking Radio! That’s what it is.  This is episode 347. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & JERRY
YOUR GNUs MAN: GARRY

Give me coffee, king-sized
_cup. Come on kitty cat, fill
_‘er up. What’s your name, li’l 
_buttercup? That’s for me to 

_know and you to make up. 

_Love casinos, Indian 
_reservations. But, baby, if
_you love me take me to the
_gas station. Gas station. Look
_at you smokin’ in them neon
_lights. Under the thunder, yo,
_you look so nice. Made me
_wonder how you spend them
_nights. Me, I spend them
_looking for men I might like.
_Like you. Like you. Like you.

EM NEWS
– The Shark That Failed Us
– Racist Asshole Sees Invisible No Go Zones

– Beastiality And The Alligator Who Could

– Professor Shoot ‘Em Up

– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Sorry…She’s Not Sorry

– Orange Rain, Orange Rain
– Cabbagepatch, Hooper, Lovato
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We 
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Jerry’s Bizarre World of Wedding Customs

– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #346 – Best of Show (08-25-2017)

You are in for a treat tonight, kids. It’s not a new show, but yet it is a new show. This is EMR presents a best of show.  Several segments of EMR from years gone by strung together with a narrative.  We hope you love the shit out of episode 346, the best of. We did.  Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & MYRON
TONS OF OTHERS: GARRY, JERRY,
PAULIE, ALEX, JAVI, ALLIE

Uh…my name is Hope, yo.
_I was blessed with the body
_of the goddesses. Have you 
_any idea how hard this is?

_I could flex in 25 positions,

_but I only work here to pay
_my tuition. Yo, tantalizing
_teaser, table-top pleaser,
_give me what I need – a
_Mastercard, a Visa. Lap
_dance fantasy, picture us
_on an all white canopy. Wyclef
_extended his hand to me. Like
_Billy Dee said – he’s feeling me.
_Take me away from here so far,
_where they ride horses, no cars.
_No more stripping in bars.  You
_and me ‘Clef, against the odds
.

 

eMpTy Minds Radio #345 (08-18-2017)

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. It’s a little more than a year since my first appearance here — or rather, in Hollywood — on Mr. Vallee’s broadcast. I find it very pleasant to be back again. The short play in rhyme that we’re doing tonight is quite an unusual one. We chose it partly because it has much the same background as “The Scarlet Pimpernel” — Paris, during the French Revolution — and partly because it has, we think, a certain quiet charm capable of translation into radio terms; at least, we hope so. The author is Louis N. Parker who wrote “Disraeli” for George Arliss. It’s called…hey. Hey! What are you doing? You can’t. <CLICK> And now…EMR, episode three-hundred-forty-five. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & GARRY
YOUR TECHMASTER 5K: JERRY

Now it’s jazz. The place is 
_roaring, all beautiful girls in
_there. One mad brunette 
_drunk at the bar with her

_boys. One strange chic I 

_remember from somewhere,
_wearing a simple skirt with 
_pockets – her hands in there,
_short haircut, talking to
_everybody. Up and down the
_stairs they come. The bar-
_tenders are the regular band
_of jack. And the heavenly
_drummer who looks up in the
_sky with blue eyes, with a
_beard, is wailing beer-caps of
_bottles and jamming on the
_cash register, and everything
_is going to the beat.

EM NEWS
– You Shall Not Pass
– Curbside-To-Go-Fuck-Yourself

– I Need That Ice Cream For
_Grandma’s Diabetes
– Terminal Welcomeness

– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Long Live Lipton!

– Correct – It’s Wrong
– Bologna, Ferrell, Harris
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We 
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Who Came Up With This Shit? (pics on FB)

– An all new Techin’ It Up The Ass
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #344 (08-10-2017)

Another in the series of Natural Bridge Romances–a series of dramatic sketches based on “Famous Loves”–is presented by the nation-wide distributors of Natural Bridge Arch Shoes for the smart feminine foot. These shoes are modern–fashionable–and retain the natural loveliness of dainty feet–naturally. Dealers of Natural Bridge Arch Shoes can fit almost any foot smartly, comfortably–and at very moderate expense. Their slogan is “Good to the foot–good to the eye–good to the pocketbook.” What the fuck? Did you all just see that? Some bizarre promo for strange shoes. The world is a messy place. All the more reason to keep tuned to EMR. This is episode 344. Enjoy! 

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & JERRY

Now lay me down on Market
_Street. I’m begging for some
_spare change. A Coast Guard
_ship has been looking for me,

_and I might have to change 

_my name. Here comes Uncle
_Sam again with the same old
_bag of beans. The local chief’s
_on the radio, he’s got some
_hungry mouths to feed. Goin’
_back to Alcatraz.

EM NEWS
– Speed Pissing
– Unmarked Helicopters…Hovering

– Armadillo -1, Texas Tard – 0

– City Done With “Wang” Business

– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Murray In Tears…of Joy

– The Curb-Cast
– Campbell, Letterman, Rollins
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We 
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– EMR Presents: Toys of Doom!

– An all new Techin’ It Up The Ass
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #343 (08-04-2017)

On a lovely August day in the year Two-Thousand-Seventeen, Marie Boyer came home from a convent to stay with her widowed mother. At the start of our story, she has been home for about half an hour. Marie – “You know, mother, most of my life’s been spent in convents. Living in the outside world will seem so strange to me.” Mother – “You’ll soon get used to it. Besides, I think you’ve wasted enough of your time cooped up in an institution.” Marie – “But what will I do all day?” Mother – “Listen to eMpTy Minds Radio, dear. You have some catching up to do. Episode three-forty-three will be a lovely place for you to start. Enjoy!”

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & GARRY
YOUR ANALOG KID: JERRY

If you’re going to San Fran-
_cisco, be sure to wear some
_flowers in your hair. If you’re
_going to San Francisco, 

_you’re gonna meet some 

_gentle people there. For
_those who come to San Fran-
_cisco, summer time will be a
_love-in there. In the streets
_of San Francisco, gentle
_people, with flowers in their
_hair.

EM NEWS
– Cucumber Counter of Montgomery
_County
– Hookers, Blow & Transportation

– Riding Handgun

– You Wait For Train, I Slice You
_Face
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– The Box Office Has Sprung A Leak

– Gettying Out While The Gettying Is Good
– Shepard, Rose & Joel, Vergara
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We 
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Harmless & Clever As Fuck!

– An all new Analog Head-Trip
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #342 (07-28-2017)

And now, friends, tonight’s story is a triangle tale concerning a man, a woman and a murderer. You’ve heard it said that those who laugh last, laugh best. But we’re going to prove that it never pays to get into a laughing contest … with a ghost. Because ghosts always get the last laugh. Bwahaha!! Psst…this is really EMR, episode three-forty-two. Tell only your closest confidante’s. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & JERRY

She’s coming on like a 
_bicycle army. Everybody’s
_waitin’ for the man to come
_down from the tower. Every-

_day is just like a vacation

_with you. I’m watchin’ you
_and Fidel Castro in the sand,
_assassin! Girl you’ve got to
_roll, Sister Havana. Overthrow.
_Sister Havana. There’s no time
_to lose. I don’t care what they
_say. There’s no time to lose. 
_We could have a holiday. But
_
there’s no time for hesitation.
_There’s no time for waitin’.
_There’s no time, so let’s take
_the time, and get it on today.
_You’ve got to roll, Sister Havana.

EM NEWS
– Look Honey, It’s Raining Fucking Meat!
– Walmart Bitch Gets All Walmart Bitchy

– Mo Ho Ho Hwah Hwah Otel For Sale

– Ze Death of Ze Kaiser

– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– More Nude Dudes? C’mon, Hollyword

– Angry Erlich Unloads
– Sinatra, Groening, Craig
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We 
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Techin’ It Up The Ass goes old school console
– The shittiest shit-ass jokes (throughout the show)
– Minnesota Vice
– America’s Stupidest Fucking Laws
– An all new Analog Head-Trip
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #341 (07-21-2017)

The Free Company is a group of writers, actors, and radio workers who have come together voluntarily to present a series of plays about our basic liberties. We are unpaid, unsponsored, and uncontrolled. Just a group of Americans saying what we believe about this country and about freedom. Trying to say it by means of plays, just as the Bible parables or the anecdotes that Lincoln used to tell illustrate other truths by means of stories. We are NOT the Free Company. About all EMR has in common with them is – we tell the truth and we are unpaid. This is episode 341. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & PAULIE
YOUR ANALOG KID: JERRY

The surf was easy on the
_day I came to stay, on this
_quiet island in the bay. I 
_remember a line women 

_all in white, the laughter 

_and the steel bands at 
_night. Now the American’s
_are gone except for two.  
_The embassy’s been hard
_to reach. There’s been
_talk and lately a bit of 
_action after dark, behind
_the big casino on the beach.
_I know what happens. I 
_read the book. I believe I
_just got the goodbye look.
_Won’t you pour me a Cuban
_
Breeze, Gretchen?

EM NEWS
– Hey, How ‘Bout Some Jizz?
– Have You Seen The Muffin Man?

– Hello, Police? Dumb-ass Here

– Shooting For The Stars

– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Waters – Belief Over Cash

– Lee’s Place Cemented In Entertainment History
– Whittaker, Romero, Landau, Stallone
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We 
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Cinema PaulieDiso – [on life support]

– An all new Analog Head-Trip
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #340 (07-14-2017)

What is romance? Romance is the light on the path of love. But a light so delicate that even a breath may put it out. You’d hate that to happen to you, wouldn’t you? Don’t let unpleasing breath offend the one you love. Brush your teeth night and morning, and before every date, with Colgate Tooth Powder. Scientific tests have proven that, in seven cases out of ten, Colgate Tooth Powder instantly stops unpleasant breath. And, Colgate Tooth Powder is the only tooth powder that offers proof of this fact. Also, Colgate Tooth Powder cleans your teeth beautifully.  Remember the name — Colgate Tooth Powder — with the accent on powder. And NOW, EMR episode three-hundred-forty. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & JERRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE

Well, we’re movin’ on up,
_to the east side, to a 
_deluxe apartment in the
_sky. Movin’ on up, to the 

_east side. We finally got a

_piece of the pie. Fish don’t
_fry in the kitchen, beans 
_don’t burn on the grill.  
_Took a whole of tryin’,
_just to get up that hill.
_Now we’re up in the big
_leagues, gettin’ our turn 
_at bat. As long as we live,
_It’s you and me, baby. 
_There ain’t nothin’ wrong
_
with that.

EM NEWS
– It’s Market Time, Asswipe!
– Reliability Is A Bitch!

– Giant Granny Boobs

– Never Renew Your License

– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Easter Egg To The Future

– Look At Your Game, Quentin
– Ellis, Schell, Kumbuka
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We 
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Cinema PaulieDiso – [just can’t get dinner]

– What The Fuck?! (Would You Rather)
– An all new Analog Head-Trip
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #339 (07-07-2017)

One night I am standing at the corner of Sunset and Vine just minding my own business when along comes Dave the Dude in a Taxi. He spots me and the next thing I know I am in the cab with him and headed for someplace. Naturally I could refuse to go with him, but nobody ever refuses Dave anything unless they wish his Sunday punch. So there I am, started on one of the craziest things that ever happens on Sunset, and how it happens I will tell you in a minute. First, EMR, episode 339. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & PAULIE

Hollywood, I know your
_middle name. Who 
_inspires your fabled fools
_that’s my claim to fame.

_Jive Miguel, he’s in from

_Bogata. Meet me at mid-
_night at Mr. Chow’s. 
_Szechuan dumplings, now
_that the deal has been
_done. I’m the one. It’s a
_glamour profession, the
_LA concession..
.

EM NEWS
– A Wild Moose Chase
– Home – 0, Visitors – 1…
_Charge of Assault
– Barf Overshoots Target

– No Deck, Only Gravity

– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Fyre Festival Founder Burned

– The Passing of A Stunt Master
– Murray. Avildsen, Gschwandtner
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We 
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Cinema PaulieDiso – “escapes”

– What The Fuck?! (Would You Rather)
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #338 (06-30-2017)

It was a little after seven o’clock in the evening. The EMR crew were scattered through the rather austere studio. And Mr. Sloane was even more than usually indifferent to their comfort and his responsibility as host. Wait. Wait. Wait. Who writes this shit? Who the fuck is Mr. Sloane? Who the…ahhhh fuck it. This is episode three-hundred-thirty-eight. ENJOY!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & GARRY
YOUR ANALOG KID: JERRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE

Now, back in the days 
_when this car was the 
_latest, you bought your
_gasoline here. And 

_Imperial made that gas-

_oline the best buy on the
_market and they worked
_and made it better every
_year. Imperial Oil research
_kept ahead of all the 
_others so your new car’s
_engine wouldn’t knock
.

EM NEWS
– They Blow Up So Fast
– That Time of The Year

– Never Help A Child

– Football Sex Rampage

– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Toilet Pics 

– Cutting Some More Cable
– Edlund, Nyvquist, Miller
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We 
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Cinema PaulieDiso – “tips one back”

– An all new Analog Head-Trip
– HAPPY 4TH of JULY, EVERYONE!
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #337 (06-23-2017)

Ladies and gentlemen, the Red Apple Hour presented for your pleasure by the manufacturers of Red Apple Cigarettes! This inaugurates the great new series of Red Apple thrills. During each week we will bring you one-hundred-twenty modern minutes with the world’s finest banter and bullshit shredding.  We introduce the new episode, three-thirty-seven. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & JERRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE

ICEEs are a fun little drink,
_unless you are a dog, 
_because dogs can’t drink
_from straws. Red, purple

_or green, small, medium

_or huge in a cup striped 
_sharply in red and blue.
_ICEE bear is always chillin’
_quite literally. He’s the
_coolest bear you’ve ever
_seen, always a sweetie,
_never ever mean
.

EM NEWS
– The Case of The Missing
_Toe
– Trailer Park? Island? Meh

– The Magnificent Sea-Cock

– A Regular Zoo of Food
_Storage
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– To The Ghetty, A Gift

– Disney Stealing Idears
– Dana, Lewis, Fisher
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We 
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Cinema PaulieDiso – “tips one back”

– An all new Analog Head-Trip
– Really Fucking Stupid Toys
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #336 (06-16-2017)

Welcome to the Hall of Fantasy. Welcome to the series of radio dramas dedicated to the supernatural, the unusual and the unknown. Come with me my friends, we shall descend into the world of the unknown and the forbidden. Down in the depths where the veil of time is lifted and the supernatural reigns as king. Come with me and listen to the tale of, eMpTy Minds Radio, episode three-hundred-thirty-six. Maybe not so mysterious, but always entertaining. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & PAULIE
YOUR GNUs MAN: GARRY

Take a million dollars, baby,
_put it in my hand. Put my
_retouched photo on the
_soda can. Put my face on

_television. Say my name

_a lot. Show your cola in
_every household. Give it
_all you’ve got. Better strike
_while the iron’s hot. Soda
_pop, soda pop, everybody
_wants to make it to the 
_top
.

EM NEWS
– Don’t Steal Tracking Devices
– Wandering For Punch

– Squirt Boy Squirts In The
_Bottle
– Turd Flinging Shithead

– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– The Master & His List

– The Franchise – Planning
_With No Plan
– West, King, Pallenberg
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We 
Watched +
_tons more

ETCETERA
– Cinema PaulieDiso – “…love[s] the curves”

– Paulie’s LA Picture Cavalcade (all on our FB page)
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #335 (06-09-2017)

It was a little after seven o’clock in the evening. A family and friends were scattered through the rather austere house. And Mr. Sloane was even more than usually indifferent to their comfort and his responsibility as host. He walked into the next room, flipped on EMR. It was episode three-thirty-five. He lowered the three appropriate fingers, leaving only the bird standing. He waved his bird toward his guests in the other room. “Fuck ’em,” he thought. He smiled. You will too. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & GARRY
YOUR ANALOG KID: JERRY

I get knocked down, but I
_get up again, you are never 
_gonna keep me down. He
_drinks a whiskey drink, he

_drinks a vodka drink, he

_drinks a lager drink, he 
_drinks a cider drink. He
_sings the songs that remind
_him of the good times. He
_sings the songs that remind
_him of the better times. Oh
_Danny Boy
.

EM NEWS
– Anti-Bald Violence
– Principal Shithead’s School
_of Tears
– Dine N’ Drown

– Cell Dissolution

– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– The Debacle of Quixote

– Hey, Hoser…We’re Back!
– Sallis, Smith, Dyson
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We 
Watched +
_tons more

ETCETERA
– Confucius Say, scattered throughout the show

– A new Analog Head-Trip
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #334 (06-02-2017)

The Five Star Theater starts another week of programming with presentations of a scope, magnitude and variety never before assembled under one banner. Under the patronage of the Standard Oil Companies of New Jersey, Pennsylvania, Louisiana and the Colonial Beacon Oil Company, the Five Star Theatre will present a brand-new radio attraction every night in the week except Saturday and Sunday. Five stellar productions each week. Every night a first night. With the world’s greatest singers, musicians, actors, writers and speakers collaborating in a gigantic entertainment program for your enjoyment. This, in a word, is the Five Star Theater, and here is this week’s program, running every single night until the next week – eMpTy Minds Radio, episode 334

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & JERRY
YOUR GNUs MAN: GARRY

Veruca Salt, the little brute
_had just gone down the 
_garbage chute. And she 
_will meet, as she descends,

_a rather different set of 

_friends. A rather different
_set of friends. A rather 
_different set of friends. 
_A fish head for example cut,
_this morning from a halibut.
_An oyster from an oyster 
_stew. A steak that no one
_else would chew
.

EM NEWS
– Theft Technique Is On Fire
– Da Grimm Consequences

– Lock Valuables In Trunk

– Head of School Steals From
_Jesus
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– The Moving Tributes

– When The Movie Isn’t Good
_Enough…Add Shit!
– Gadot, Nanjiana, Coppola
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We 
Watched +
_tons more

ETCETERA
– A hot round of Brand Name Band Name

– A new Analog Head-Trip
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #333 (05-26-2017)

Theater time. Broadway’s buzzing with excitement and eager to await an opening night performance at the little theater off Times Square. And there’ll be a crowd of on-lookers and autograph seekers on hand at the entrance to greet the celebrities who always attend the premier on the Great White Way. So, let’s not miss a minute of the excitement. It’s just a short walk around the corner. Will you join me? Join that guy or join us. Sure, we’re not in New York. No Times Square. No celebrities. No autograph seekers. But we are WAY more fucking cool than that guy. This is our show, and it’s episode three-hundred-thirty-three. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & JERRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE

Cheese is a kind of meat. A
_tasty yellow beef. I milk it
_from my teet, but I try to
_be discreet. Ohhhh cheese.

_Ohhhh cheese. 

_Cheese is a kind of meat. A
_tasty yellow beef. I milk it
_from my teet, but I try to
_be discreet. Ohhhh cheese.

_Ohhhh cheese
.

EM NEWS
– Smarty Pants In Deep Shirt
– Sample Lady Has Sample Birthday

– Horses Fucking Hate Dinosaurs

– Tokes For Tots

– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Wow…What A Maverick

– Actors & Young Pens
– Moore, Spoonauer, Snyder
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We 
Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Cinema PaulieDiso: senseless violence

– A new Analog Head-Trip
– Clamboy kicks us a Shadow River video (it’s on our FB page)
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #332 (05-19-2017)

If you are new to EMR, welcome. Kick back and enjoy this episode and then another. Share it with your friends. Heck, we are your friends. That’s what we do. Isn’t it joyous? This is episode three-hundred-thirty-two, kids. We hope you like hearing it as much as we liked making it.

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & GARRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE

Just whistle while you work,
_and cheerfully, together, we
_can tidy up the place. So 
_hum a merry tune – it won’t

_take long when there’s a 

_song to help you set the pace.
_And as you sweep the room,
_imagine that the broom is
_someone that you love and 

_soon you’ll find you’re 
_dancing to the tune.

EM NEWS
– Mom Doesn’t Drive So Well
– The Pain In Brain Falls Mainly
_On The Train
– All Iraqis Look The Same

– Snatch And Grab & Grab A Snatch

– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Grey Days Ahead

– Pirates Hold Pirates Hostage
– Boothe, Moore, Dogg, Letterman
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We
_Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Cinema PaulieDiso: Hush Hush

– A small tribute to Chris Cornell
– Another Load of Knockoff Toys (corresponding pics on our FB page)
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #331 (05-12-2017)

You’ve seen him in “The Great McGinty,” as Major Devereaux in “Wake Island,” as Trampas in “The Virginian.” Now, here is our star Brian Donlevy, in another two-fisted portrayal as Steve Mitchell in “Dangerous Assignment.”  Our bad, Brian Donlevy died 45 years ago last month. Next up…EMR episode 331. Can you dig it?

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & PAULIE
YOUR GNUs MAN: GARRY
YOUR TECHMASTER 5K: JERRY

My man sexy will fuck you up
_in a minuet. With an axe,
_sword, mace, pike your limb-
_less. Then I’ll fuck your ass

_’til it’s rimless. Oh! You 

_humans always screaming!
_Oh! As you suckle on my
_semen. Oh! And the shit is
_always steamin’. A drunk,

_a pervert, a junkie, a sodo-
_mizer, but you can call me
_The Salaminizer.

EM NEWS
– Spared Some Expense
– The Emergency Recipe Exchange

– Lifestyles of People With Photos of Rich Stuff

– Cheese War!

– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– The King of Hating Trump

– Sexy Singer Helps Educate
– Parks, Clinton, Schumer, Lane
– The Ticker Flashback
– Birthdays, What We
_Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Cinema PaulieDiso: The Movie Line Guessing Game

– Techin’ It Up The Ass x 2
– Goodbye Johnny Cab (pics on our FB page)
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #330 (05-05-2017)

Good evening, friends of the EMR. This is your host to welcome you through the squeaking door. Been shopping around for a nice case of truth? Of course you have. And you’ve come to the right place, because the characters on this program simply tell it like it is  to keep you amused. Why, only the other day we were accused of making an assault on stupidity our business. But we wouldn’t do that, friends. Oh, no. Because that would be mixing business with pleasure. And we consider it a pleasure to give some idiot the business! This is episode three-hundred-thirty. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & JERRY
YOUR GNUs MAN: GARRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE

Captain, we’re in trouble. A
_huge storm has suddenly
_broken out straight ahead
_of us! Ahhh…it’s a siren, 

_hey Captaaain! Don’t be 

_afraid of some siren. You’re
_pathetic. If that’s the sea-
_witch, then I’m the great
_beauty of the sea! You

_shouldn’t make fun of Lady
_Thetis, Goddess of The Sea,
_who is said to be as beautiful
_as Venus, Goddess of Beauty.
_Ya sure you don’t mean as
_
ferocious as Pallas Athene,
_Goddess of War. You say
_something, Zimmer? Eek!
_Let’s go, you scurvy dogs,
_don’t be afraid! Alright,
_we’re going! Now – row,
_row. Now – row, row. There!

EM NEWS
– The Cool Parents
– Violator Violates Again

– Dipshits: The Bounty Hunters

– Take that, Cookie Fucker!

– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Orange Is The New Hack

– Disney’s Last Words
– The Mentaltainment Ticker
– Birthdays, What We
_Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Cinema PaulieDiso sans swords
– An all new Analog Head Trip
– Tom brings us a Fuck Off! Rant
– Cinco De Mayo memes (on our FB page)
– Extended “A Last Hurrah” materials
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #329 (04-28-2017)

You’re much too impatient, my dear young friend. One of the great joys of an experience is to savor it before it happens. Yes, stay and talk to me. AND…don’t think so much, my young friend. Thinking is an unnecessary pastime. The emotions are much more dependable. My thoughts tell me that this little excursion under the sea will be quite precarious. On the other hand, my emotions tell me that it will be most interesting and amusing. Now, now, don’t splutter! Come ahead, my young and impatient friend–we’ll go aboard your diving bell and begin our little adventure. Come! Ummm…who the fuck is that guy? Why is he always hijacking our posts? Asshole. This is episode 329.  Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & GARRY
YOUR ANALOG KID: JERRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE

Working at the peep show,
_watching all the boys blow…
_their loads from the viewing
_glass, while I dance and 
_shake my ass. Some just

_watch and stare, looks like
_they don’t even care. But
_others are really fist pump-
_
ing…can hear their hands
_against the wall thumping.
_Some people say that I’m a
_slag, just a human porno
_mag. But I find it really
_liberating, to profit from
_men masturbating.

EM NEWS
– Illegible Robbery
– The No Refund Slasher

– Reading Is Almost Murder

– Come In…The Water’s Fine

– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Screamer Screaming, But Why?

– Asshole Feasting On Seinfeld Leftovers? Probably Not
– Moran, Demme, Shyamalan

– The Mentaltainment Ticker
– Birthdays, What We
_Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Cinema PaulieDiso in stark contrast
– An all new Analog Head Trip
– Shitty Rider Laws Still On The Books
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #328 (04-21-2017)

A year ago, when Luigi Basco left Italy to start his new life in America, he promised his mother that he would write and tell her about his adventures. So now let’s read Luigi’s letter as he writes to Momma Basco in Italy. Or…ya know, let’s not do that and do EMR episode three-hundred-twenty-eight, instead. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & PAULIE
YOUR TECHMASTER 5K: JERRY

The question is peculiar, I’d
_give a lot of dough. If only
_I could know the answer to
_my question, is it yes or is
_it no? Does your chewing

_gum lose its flavor on the
_bedpost overnight? If your
_
mother says don’t chew it,
_do you swallow it in spite?

EM NEWS
– Hands In Plumbing Technique
– The Great Southern Two-
_Wheeled Pederast
– The Beaver Wrangles Meat

– Mmmmessage For You, Sir

– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Strike Looming

– Talk About A Degree In Nothing
– James, Simmons, Sinise

– The Mentaltainment Ticker
– Birthdays, What We
_Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Cinema PaulieDiso has more than anger
– Techin’ It Up The Ass x2
– Big Screen To Little Screen – Horrible Line Dubs
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #327

Do you have a little unsolved murder in your home? Got some blackmail you want to unload? Are you the victim of some vulgar extortionist? We know a girl you should meet. She may not be the greatest private eye in the world. And, so what if it does cost you three or four hundred dollars? She sure is sweet. Huh? What is that guy talking about? This is EMR, episode three-hundred-twenty-seven. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & MYRON
YOUR GNUs MAN: GARRY
YOUR TECHMASTER 5K: JERRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE

Sitting in a bunker, here 
_behind my wall, waiting for
_the worms to come. In
_perfect isolation, here behind
_my wall, waiting for the 

_worms to come. ..all you
_need to do is follow the
_worms.

EM NEWS
– Religion On The Toilet
– International Parking Tards

– Fuck Walmart!

– Shoot It Up. Shoot It Up. It
_Just Don’t Matter
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Crazy Morons & The Inspiration
_of Cinema
– I’m A Fontsy British Typeface
– Sorrentino, Geils, Mengering

– The Mentaltainment Ticker
– Birthdays, What We
_Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Cinema PaulieDiso has an open forum

– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #326 (04-07-2017)

Expense Account, submitted by Special Investigator Johnny Dollar, to Home Office, Nutmeg State Casualty and Bonding Company, Hartford, Connecticut. The following is an accounting of my expenditures during investigation of series of accidents affecting your policy holder, The Fun Fair and Weatherly Carnival Shows, or how I went for a spin on a case we might refer to as “Murder Is a Merry-Go-Round.” Huh? Where are we? Looks like EMR has done gotten itself entangled in another mystery of life. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & GARRY
YOUR TECHMASTER 5K: JERRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE

A matchstick man with a 
_flint for a head, burned up
_my wick til I was melted and
_dead. They keep telling me
_it’s time to blow out my spark,

_but they don’t realize I’m 

_afraid of the dark.

EM NEWS
– We’re Holding Your Package
– Statue Keeps Flying Away

– Donut To Death

– Super Small Caliber Hubbub 

– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– She’s Only Seventeen

– The Mysterious Unaired Pilot
– Ford, DeNiro, Rosenquist

– The Mentaltainment Ticker
– Birthdays, What We
_Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Cinema PaulieDiso cracks us up
– Techin’ It Up The Ass

– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #325 (03-31-2017)

You walk the corridor to the room of the dead, through the swinging doors into a place without season, where all nights, all days are of equal length, where temperature is constant, where the wind is conditioned before it’s let flow over death. Walk up to the man who waits for you. . . “Hello” he says slyly. “Name’s Shit, Bull Shit.” You pin him against the wall. “EMR, Motherfucker!” you reply. He cowers in fear. This is episode 325, won’t you give it a listen?

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & MYRON
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE

Tall and tan and young and 
_lovely the Girl From 
_Ipanema goes walking. And
_when she passes, each one 
_she passes goes – ah. When

_she walks, she’s like a Samba

_that swings so cool and sways
_so gentle. That when she
_passes, each one she passes
_goes – ah. But he watch her
_so sadly. How can he tell her
_he loves her? Yes, I would 
_give my heart gladly, but
_each day that she walks to
_the sea, she looks straight
_ahead, and not at he
.

EM NEWS
– Don’t Throw The Baby
– Pointy Robes…You Know, For
_Kids
– Hopped Up On Candy

– There Is Unrest In The Forest…

– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Ready To Strike, Still Hurting From Last One

– ’84 All Over…The Place
– Whedon, Dylan, Silverman

– The Mentaltainment Ticker
– Birthdays, What We
_Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Cinema PaulieDiso unites
– EMR Segments From The Past (throughout the show)
– A vintage MST3K bit
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #324 (03-24-2017)

We are still at war, still every bit as much at war now as we were in November 1942. Remember those days? Remember Casablanca? No. Not Ingrid Bergman; not Humphrey Bogart. Casablanca — the town where boys from 48 states died to secure the invasion of North Africa. There were some who didn’t die but who wished they had. That was political. Welcome to the not particularly political eMpTy Minds Radio. This is episode three-hundred-twenty-four. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & MYRON
YOUR GNUs MAN: GARRY
YOUR TECHMASTER 5K: JERRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE

Magic is the moonlight, on
_this lover’s dream night. As
_I see the moonlight shining 
_in your eyes – can’t resist
_their power in this moonlit

_hour. Love being any flower,

_this is paradise. Living in the
_splendor of your kiss so 
_tender, makes my heart 
_surrender, to your love
_divine. Magic is the moon-
_light, more than any dream
_night. Magic is the moon-
_light, for it made you mine
.

EM NEWS
– A Reasonable Use For The Bible
– Ballast’s Bastard Beer Brand
_Boycotted
– Everything’s A Sex Toy If Your
_Penis Is Small Enough
– Barefoot, High & On The Run

– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– End of Short Lived Podcast

– Oh Yay….Another Toy Film Empire
– Jean, Harrelson, Lovato, Clooney

– The Mentaltainment Ticker
– Birthdays, What We
_Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Cinema PaulieDiso transforms
– Techin’ It Up The Ass x 2
– An onslaught of short, but sweet jokes
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #323 (03-17-2017)

Good evening, friends, and welcome to this Friday night of — well, I don’t know exactly what to call it. You see we’ve got so many surprises on the show tonight that even I’m not sure what’s coming next. In fact, it wouldn’t surprise me a bit if the Voice of Spring walked right out here on our stage and announced that it was EMR episode #323. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & MYRON
YOUR GNUs MAN: GARRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE

You came, I was alone. I 
_should have known you
_were temptation. You smiled
_luring me on. My heart was
_gone. You were temptation.

_It would be thrilling, if you

_were willing. If it can never
_be. Pity me for you are
_temptation, and I am yours.
_Here is my heart, take it
_and say, we’ll never part,
_I’m just a slave
.

EM NEWS
– You Fucked Up My Toppin’s
– They Be Jizzin’ On Up In The Houses

– Lawnmower Was Low On Gas

– Lunch With A Side of Fuck Me

– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Heading Back To The Welles

– No Stranger Danger For Shybot
– Sledge, Allman, Angel

– The Mentaltainment Ticker
– Birthdays, What We Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Cinema PaulieDiso runs to the hills
– Minnesota Vice
– A vintage piece of Dr. Demento
– Shitty Limericks (an EMR St. Patrick’s Day tradition)
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #322 (03-10-2017)

Here’s a message for the motorist who does not feel that his car is performing as well as it should. It may sputter and jerk at starting. It may buck when you step down hard on the accelerator. It may be logy on the hills. Now, it is possible that you may need the services of a mechanic. But, before you consult him, make this test. Fill your tank with Rio Grande Cracked with petro-ethyl. You may be surprised to find out that the fault has been the gasoline you’ve been using and not the mechanical condition of your car. Rio Grande Cracked will bring out the best in your car. And EMR will bring out the best in your skills to take on the daily bullshit of this world. Enjoy episode 3-2-2!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & MYRON
YOUR GNUs MAN: GARRY
YOUR TECHMASTER 5K: JERRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE

A long time ago in a land far
_away lived the Pineapple 
_Princess – Tiki. She was 
_sweet as a peach in a pine- 
_apple way, but so sad that

_she hardly speaky. Still, if

_you listen well, you’ll hear 
_her secret wish – Aloha, 
_everybody, my name is Tiki! I 
_long to free a remarkable
_fish – my sweet prince:
_Humuhumunukunukua’pua’a
_Makihiki malahini-who
.

EM NEWS
– PhD From The Sizzler
– What A Marqueen Idea

– The Brief Joys of Winning

– Wind Hurts Old Traveler

– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Missing To The Oldies

– Another Shooting At City Hall
– Grahame-Smith, Osborne, Willimon

– The Mentaltainment Ticker
– Birthdays, What We Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Cinema PaulieDiso goes back, but not too far
– Techin’ It Up The Ass
– An important warning to the listener
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #321 (03-03-2017)

Tonight, Squibb brings you “EMR” the show which, at the international film festival in Cannes, France, was never once mentioned. Largely, because it’s a fucking podcast…not a movie. In “EMR” you will hear all sorts of interesting stuff, by a great cast of regulars who has three-hundred and nineteen times never been nominated for shit. Will three-hundred-twenty be a game changer? Here it is. You decide.

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & MYRON
YOUR GNUs MAN: GARRY
YOUR TECHMASTER 5K: JERRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE

In the Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, Tiki
_Room. In the Tiki, Tiki, Tiki, 
_Tiki, Tiki Room – all the birds
_sing words and the flowers 
_croon. In the Tiki, Tiki, Tiki,

_Tiki, Tiki Room. Welcome to

_our tropical hideaway, you 
_lucky people you. If we 
_weren’t in the show starting 
_right away, we’d be in the 
_audience too.

EM NEWS
– Kentucky Murder Cops
– She Works Hard For Her Money

– Parking Lot Daycare

– I Found It!

– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Graffiti Art – Break It down

– Living In Boulder
– Winfrey, Paxton, Oscar

– The Mentaltainment Ticker
– Birthdays, What We Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Cinema PaulieDiso takes us back
– Techin’ It Up The Ass x 2
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #320 (02-24-2017)

Yes, Jell-O, in those six delicious flavors, brings you The Baby Snooks Show, starring Fanny Brice as Baby Snooks, with Hanley Stafford as Daddy, Arlene Harris as Mummy, Carmen Dragon and his Orchestra, and me, Harlow Wilcox. We now interrupt this regularly scheduled broadcast of whatever the fuck that was to bring you EMR. It’s episode 320, kids. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & MYRON

There’s a rich Maharaja of 
_Magador who had ten-
_thousand camels, and maybe
_more. He had rubies and  
_pearls and the loveliest girls, 

_but he didn’t know how to do

_the Rhumba. He could afford
_a big reward, so to his people
_he one day said: take my 
_rubies and take my pearls,
_take my camels and take my
_girls. Rhumba lessons are 
_wanted for the rich Maharaja
_of Magador.

EM NEWS
– With Regards, Love Mom
– School Nazis Must Die

– Pumped & Fucked

– They Have All The Cookies Now
– Pigs In Paint
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Van Halen – Hot For Teachers

– Lightning Bolt Town
– Solo, Hodgson, King, Mehta

– The Mentaltainment Ticker
– Birthdays, What We Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Minnesota Vice
– An all new edition of an EMR classic – Reminiscing
– Five Minute Cinema
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #319 (02-17-2017)

Each week at this time, the EMR Broadcasting System brings you the human story behind the job — a glimpse into the lives and work of the people who keep our everyday world in order: Americans at Work! Tonight, ‘Minds’ presents…but wait a minute. Perhaps a better introduction would be a little scene that took place last week in one of New York’s overcrowded sections. Enjoy episode three-hundred-nineteen, which has absolutely nothing to do with any of that.

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & MYRON
YOUR ANALOG KID: JERRY

The vampires want your blood.
_You can’t always get what you
_want, but they do. You can’t
_always get what you want, 
_but they know – the truth is

_what they want it to be. Drop

_by drop, the camera flash
_casts shadows from their 
_egos. Sing a song like you
_wrote it. Puppets don’t think,
_puppets just dance. Make a 
_face like you mean it.

EM NEWS
– Orders Without Borders
– Suspicious Suburban Movement

– Whopper-Sized Nuts

– Vang, Bang, Bang

– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Stern & The Tax Conundrum

– Naughty Art With A Price Tag
– Johansson, Vee, Ford

– The Mentaltainment Ticker
– Birthdays, What We Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– A hot round of alternative Liar, Liar, Pants On Fire
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #318 (02-10-2017)

Prophecy is an easy thing, for rarely is the prophet brought to judgement. Tonight I bring you a false prophecy. The place of our story is a great rocket speeding away from the moon. Yes, away! For the first trip to the moon has finally taken place, and the triumphant airship is now rapidly returning to the mother earth. Here then, is a story about a tomorrow fifty-five years hence. September twentieth in the year of our Lord, two thousand. On board a rocket ship – I sincerely hope – a very FALSE prophecy. Enjoy EMR episode three-hundred-eighteen!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & MYRON
YOUR ANALOG KID: JERRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE

All the regrets you can’t 
_forget, are somehow pressed
_upon a picture, in the face
_of such an ordinary girl. And
_when you sleep, you find 

_your mother in the night, but

_she fades just out of sight. So,
_there isn’t any sweetness in
_the dreaming. And when you
_wake, the morning showers
_you with light, and it makes
_you feel alright. But it’s
_just the same hard candy
_you’re remembering again

EM NEWS
– Smoke Up, Johnny
– When They Met, It Was Murder

– Happy Meal Dope

– Elusive Suburban Meth-Head

– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Comedy Isn’t Pretty

– Fun-Sized People Not Being Very Fun
– Hatch, Favreau, Selleck

– The Mentaltainment Ticker
– Birthdays, What We Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Cinema PaulieDiso goes for the twang
– A quick but sweet Fuck Off! rant
– A hot round of Liar, Liar, Pants On Fire
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #317 (02-03-2017)

Each Friday, Jimbo’s Tomato Juice brings you this brand new radio program developed from the most ridiculously dumb parts of humanity, as well as entertainment and a vast assortment of other stuff.  Each episode complete in itself; modern, dramatic, entertaining. A thrilling, different episode each Friday. Today’s story, “Episode 316”, stars all of your favorites listed below. Enjoy three-hundred-sixteen, won’t you?

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & MYRON
YOUR ANALOG KID: JERRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE

I’ve had a bad week, it’s a
_bad, bad world. No friends,
_cash, success, still no girl.
_New life’s what I think I need
_Made a mistake that I can’t

_change or fix it up, life’s 

_bad and strange. I know just
_what I need. Cigarettes? No.
_Rot my teeth, make my 
_smile yellow and my breath
_reek. P-E-Z, it’s all I got, but
_all I need…

EM NEWS
– A Picture Is Worth A Few
_Hundred Bucks
– Burgle, Burgle, Bang, Bang

– He’s Got Moves

– The Sicko Trifecta

– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Animation Poachers

– LA Is Getting Permanent Rain
– Cage, Villeneuve, Winfrey, Barton

– The Mentaltainment Ticker
– Birthdays, What We Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Cinema PaulieDiso breaks the chain
– Damn Analog Head-Trip
– Words That Sound Dirty, But Aren’t
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #316 (01-27-2017)

Here’s a message for the motorist who does not feel that his car is performing as well as it should. It may sputter and jerk at starting. It may buck when you step down hard on the accelerator. It may be logy on the hills. Now, it is possible that you may need the services of a mechanic. But, before you consult him, make this test. Fill your tank with Rio Grande Cracked with petro-ethyl, the dependable performance of which is responsible for its demand by police and fire departments. Then put your car through its paces, and while you do so — please enjoy EMR episode #316!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & MYRON
YOUR GNUs MAN: GARRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE

My chest is like a bombed-
_out city – hollow, empty 
_and full of debris. My eyes
_won’t even open. If I could,
_I would take your hand away

_from here. But your wrist is

_chained to mine. Where we 
_are is who I am. I remember
_sleeping in, bathed in light,
_sleeping deep. Lost in each
_other’s embrace, like pieces
_to a puzzle we never could
_complete. I remember your
_city...

EM NEWS
– Where Do Lost Keys Go?
– If I Had A Hammer

– Man Arrested For Butt Crack

– Whispering Jesus

– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Celeb Hackster Goes Up River

– Patriotism, Madonna’s Ass
– Moore, Cameron, Trucks, Gosling

– The Mentaltainment Ticker
– Birthdays, What We Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Cinema PaulieDiso goes for the votes
– Funny Fake Movie Posters
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #315 (01-20-2017)

This broadcast comes to you from the city. Listeners over the curving air have heard From furthest-off frontiers of foreign hours — Mountain Time: Ocean Time: of the islands: Of waters after the islands — some of them waking. Where noon here is the night there: some Where noon is the first few stars they see or the last one. This is EMR. It is episode three-hundred-fifteen. Won’t you sit back and enjoy?

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & MYRON
YOUR GNUs MAN: GARRY
YOUR ANALOG KID: JERRY

Joey’s gone and Georgie’s 
_gone. Put their best torn
_trousers on. Found a crow-
_bar and a drill. Headed for
_the Berlin Wall. And last 

_night I swear I saw her face,

_as they stormed the gates 
_of Satellite TV. Too bad I 
_don’t get news at ten, 
_cause the CNN would tell a
_different story. Eastern Bloc,

_Eastern Bloc.

EM NEWS
– Duct-Tape Parenting
– Practice Makes Asshole

– The Sesame Seed Streaker

– The Sex Was Okay, The Aural
_Problematic
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– LA – Shooting Ups & Downs

– Unpitching Their Tent
– Seger, Handler, Maher, Gautier

– The Mentaltainment Ticker
– Birthdays, What We Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Analog Head-Trip is “Back”
– Inappropriate Children’s Books
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #314 (01-13-2017)

We are the Mysterious Travelers, inviting you to join us on another journey into the realm of the strange and terrifying. We hope you will enjoy the trip, and that it will thrill you a little and chill you a little. So, settle back and get a good grip on your nerves. Where are we going? That’s hard to say. So many of us think we know where we’re going, but fate has a way of changing our destination…as in the tale of “The Strange Journal of Professor Drake.” You seem a bit nervous. Perhaps it would calm your nerves if we were to read to you from Professor Drake’s journal. There are some extremely interesting entries in it – particularly those beginning with the entry made January 13th, 2017. This is EMR three-hundred-fourteen. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & MYRON
YOUR TECHMASTER 5K: JERRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE

Let’s make pauses between
_words, speak then be quiet
_again. In order to better
_understand in our heads, the
_meaning of the word we just

_said. Let’s make pauses on

_the way, looking back care-
_fully and strictly. In order
_not to pass two times,
_through the same wrong
_path
. Let’s make pauses on
_the way.

EM NEWS
– The Value of Pink Sludge
– One Creepy Massage, Comin’
_Right Up!
– Shitty! Shitty! Bang! Bang!

– I’ma Gonna Protect Ya’ll From The Fags

– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Fake Gun Fight Rating System

– Oh Really, O’Reilly?
– Stewart, Sarstedt, Carey, Abrams

– The Mentaltainment Ticker
– Birthdays, What We Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Cinema PaulieDiso is on the top of the world
– Techin’ It Up The Ass
– Three ‘Fuck Off!’ rants
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #313 (01-06-2017)

And then it was 2017. Welcome to EMR, fair listener. 2017 is positively certain to be a year that is chock full of the lovely bullshit that we are here to call out. So, strap yourself in and get ready for the EMR whirlwind that will be this year. Let’s kick it off with episode three-hundred-thirteen, shall we? Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & MYRON
YOUR GNUs Man: GARRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE

When strangers are coming…
_They come to your house, 
_they kill you all and say…
_we’re not guilty. Not guilty.
_Where is your mind? Humanity

_cries. You think you are gods,

_but everyone dies. Don’t
_swallow my soul. Our souls
.

EM NEWS
– Lemonade Bandits Arrested
– A Banner Day In The Old Stadium

– Man Sets World Record For Crime
_Combos

– It’s A Beer Leak!

– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Day of The Doors

– Younger Tate Doesn’t Hate
– Keaton, Nelson, Dogg, Marshall

– The Mentaltainment Ticker
– Birthdays, What We Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Cinema PaulieDiso does violence
– Minnesota Vice
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #312 (12-31-2016) NYE Show

This is it, kiddies. The last EMR of 2016, curiously on the last day of 2016. Meh, sometimes it just works out that way. 2016 was awesome in EMR-Land, which generally means it’s fairly shitty everywhere else. We hope everywhere else has a better year in 2017. We will gladly take one for the team. Enjoy episode 3-1-2 and Happy New Year!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & MYRON
YOUR GNUs Man: GARRY
YOUR ANALOG KID: JERRY

The clock slowly ticks, the
_fireplaces roars, booze is 
_pouring from the package
_stores. A time to remember, a
_time to forget. A time to look

_forward and shed some regret.

_Balloons and hats. Noise-
_
makers go pop. A million 
_people freeze, watching a
_ball drop.

EM NEWS
– Explosive Nutcracker
– The Candlelight Vigil – Home Edition

– Amateur Social Scientist Shot

– Shot In The Fucking Face!

– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Save Betty

– It Just Doesn’t Get Eddie Vedder Than This
– The No Fuck Heroes
– Johansson, Adams, Boots

– The Mentaltainment Ticker
– Birthdays, What We Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Techin’ It Up The Ass – Dead Tech of 2016
– New Year’s Eve Traditions of The World
– Minnesota Vice
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #311 – Big Christmas Show (12-23-2016)

It’s the Big EMR Christmas Show, everybody! Always a good time. An overstuffed full house tonight, making this show what an EMR Christmas show should be — stellar and action-packed! We’ve got some of the EMR Christmas classics tonight, as well as some new fun stuff. Merry Christmas, everybody. Enjoy #311, Big Christmas 2016!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & MYRON
YOUR GNUs Man: GARRY
YOUR ANALOG KID: JERRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE
YOUR SPECIAL GUEST: MARTHA

When the band finished 
_playing, they howled out for
_more. Sinatra was swinging, all
_the drunks they were swinging.
_We kissed on the corner, then

_danced through the night. The

_boys of the NYPD Choir were
_singing ‘Galway Bay’, and the
_bells are ringing out for 
_Christmas Day.

EM NEWS
– Elite Jerk Off In Jerk Off City
– That’s Just Trash Talk

– Hemp Oil Terrorism

– A Picture – Frozen In Time

– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– It’s Turbo Time!

– Can The Double M Make A Three Happen?
– Buying Back Her Memories
– Gabor, O’Morrison, Murray, Marx

– The Mentaltainment Ticker
– Birthdays, What We Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Cinema PaulieDiso – Year End Awards
– Analog Head-Trip – goes hardcore
– It’s Read S-E-X-X-Y
– The Christmas Gullibility Quiz
– Annual tradition – The Gay German’s “A Visit From St. Nicholas”
– Tons and tons of other Christmas fun
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #310 (12-16-2016)

It is damn, damn, damn cold in EMR-Land this week. The temperature has quite literally dipped lower each subsequent day. Yikes. Stay in, stay warm, get some egg-nog, cocoa or coffee and enjoy another fine episode of EMR on your listening device of choice.  Enjoy episode three-ten!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & PAULIE

I’ll be home for Christmas,
_you can plan on me. Please
_have snow, and mistletoe, and
_presents on the tree. Christmas
_Eve will find me where the love

_light gleams. I’ll be home for

_Christmas, if only in my dreams
.

EM NEWS
– Willy”The Butcher” Wonka
– Nebraska Ruins It For Everyone

– Fuck Coupons!

– Taking Ads From Assholes

– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Something Olsen For Everyone

– Monroe’s Last Lines Up For Grabs
– The New Registry Additions
– Fox, Rossum, Wilson, Miller, Lake

– The Mentaltainment Ticker
– Birthdays, What We Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Cinema PaulieDiso – has been coerced
– Baby, It’s Cold Outside – Compare & Contrast (a discussion)
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #309 (12-09-2016)

We have a fantastically full house tonight for you kids. All the joy of the room full of your regulars plus local folk hero, one-half of “The Anatomy of…”, Mr. Daniel McConnell Smith. He’s hanging out and playing some of the tunes off of his brand spanking new album.  Check it out. We call it three-zero-nine.  Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & MYRON
YOUR GNUs Man: GARRY
YOUR ANALOG KID: JERRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE
YOUR SPECIAL GUEST: DAN SMITH
YOUR SPECIAL GUEST: JIMMY BYRNE

C-7, C-6 and C-9 they’ll be 
_making your tree look so 
_fine. But why stop there? 
_Hang these babies everywhere,
_keep stringing lights like you

_just don’t care. It will give the

_neighbors quite a scare, when
_they find you decorating their
_tree, what a laugh it will be
_just blame it on GE.

EM NEWS
– Useless Shitbag Kills Dogs
– The Wrong Boob

– Virginians Take A Stand Against Learnin’

– We Ain’t Filmin’ No Queer Hitchin’

– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Pay Up YouBastards!

– Polanski To Remain In Homeland
– Hardy, Vaughan, Williams, Whitton, Drummond

– The Mentaltainment Ticker
– Birthdays, What We Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Cinema PaulieDiso – goes for a cruise
– Analog Head-Trip – Smooth, real smooth
– We chat with Dan Smith, local folk master (from The Anatomy of…) & his producer Jimmy
– Dan plays us some live tunes off of his new album “Two Wanderers”
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #308 (12-02-2016)

And then it was December. We hope you have enjoyed all of our monthly theme imagery this year. December in EMR-Land, of course, means that the theme will be vintage Christmas advertising. We have selected a bunch of fun stuff from back in the day that we hope will bring vintage holiday cheer into your life. This is episode three-zero-eight. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & MYRON
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE

Hurry, hurry. Why not buy 
_three? Only one buck…that’s 
_practically free. Available in 
_two colors, they’ll stand out 
_from all the 
others. Oh…what
_a lark,they’re dazzling glow-in-

_the-dark, Christmas ornaments
_for your tree.

EM NEWS
– Cowards With No Names
– He Has A Big Head For Litter

– Turtle Soup

– He Tried To Kill Her In Public

– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Buckaroo Bonzai Esquire

– No More Tinkering
– Cinema PaulieDiso – “So Long”
– Takei, Woolford, Remini, Baccarin

– The Mentaltainment Ticker
– Birthdays, What We Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #307 (11-25-2016)

These are the true stories — the plain, unvarnished facts just as they occurred, re-enacted for you by an all-EMR cast. The names have not, for obvious reasons, been changed. The broadcast is presented with the full cooperation of nobody. This is episode three-zero-seven. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & MYRON
YOUR GNUs MAN: GARRY
YOUR ANALOG KID: JERRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE

…just to see a guy with a bar.
_Thumb your nose and stay 
_where you are. Oh to be back
_again. In a shack again. Without
_
flak again; to watch a plane as
_you stroll, without diving in a 

_hole — oh how I long to be 
_home.

EM NEWS
– Hide N’ Go Brain Trauma
– Fawn of The Dead

– High Stakes After-Party

– My Brother Died, Your Turn

– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Germans Save Cali History

– The Return of Skin
– Cinema PaulieDiso – in town and unclothed
– Ho, Voight, Frank, Fortune

– The Mentaltainment Ticker
– Birthdays, What We Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Analog Head-Trip unzipped
– More about The Monks
– A little bit of Mike Doughty
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #306 (11-18-2016)

Ten o’clock in the morning in Santa Margurita’s ancient bastille of stone which hugs the waterfront at the north end of the city. This filthy hole of a jail, built long ago to hold criminals and slaves newly brought over from Spain, stands so close to the South Atlantic Ocean that twenty feet of its lower wall is awash at high-tide and four to six feet is under water at all times. And this is where Doc and Reggie have been lodged; in the state of San Moreno’s one and only prison in San Moreno’s one and only seaport, Santa Margurita. Doc muttered under his breath. Reggie bared an expression of concern. “Speak Up, Doc,” Reggie called out. Doc raised his head and stared into Reggie’s soul. “EMR…EMR…it will set you free,” Doc repeated. From his photographic memory, Doc recited episode number 306 word for word. Reggie listened intently. This is that episode. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & MYRON
YOUR GNUs MAN: GARRY
YOUR ANALOG KID: JERRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE

The white man came across the
_sea, he brought us pain and
_misery. He killed our tribe, he
_killed our creed, he took our
_
game for his own need. We 
_fought him hard, we fought him

_well, out on the plains we gave
_him hell. But many came, too
_much for Cree, oh will we ever
_be set free?

EM NEWS
– Bored And On The Run
– Everyone Pays!

– Yellowstone Burning Man

– His Comments Didn’t Add Up

– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– The Philosophy of Simpletons

– Presenting: The Vidiots
– Cinema PaulieDiso is open for discussion
– Young, Kilmer, Fisher,Shannon

– The Mentaltainment Ticker
– Birthdays, What We Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– An awesome round of Back Rockwards
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #305 (11-11-2016)

Holy shit, kids, do we have a show for you! It’s not a holiday, an anniversary, a birthday, nothing of the sort. It’s just an episode where the forces that be bestowed upon on us a full house. A full house, in the case of this show as in most cases, is five. Five people. Tonight, count ’em up — it appears as if there were, in fact, five of us. A monumental episode, we like to call three-zero-five. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & MYRON
YOUR GNUs MAN: GARRY
YOUR ANALOG KID: JERRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE

One, two princes kneel before you
_That what I said now. Princes, 
_princes who adore you. Just go
_ahead now. One has diamonds in
_
his pockets. That’s some bread 
_now. This one said he wants to

_buy you rockets. Ain’t in his head
_now…

EM NEWS
– ABCs Field of Lies
– Nap Time, Not Fuck Time!

– Sweet Ass Hit & Run Dance Moves

– Social Media Sneakthief

– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Classic Hollywood Merchandising Suit

– La-La-La-La-La, Shut Down The Freeway
– Cinema PaulieDiso on the hunt
– Jagger, Redmayne, Cohen, Shkreli, Vaughn

– The Mentaltainment Ticker
– Birthdays, What We Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Analog Head-Trip – a run in with the cops
– Minnesota Vice News & sampling

– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #304 (11-04-2016)

At a table sits a man-tall, gaunt, his heavy face lit occasionally by a random beam of light reflecting off the polished barrel of a revolver. As the revolver twists in his nervous fingers, the thoughts in his mind twist and turn … gun in my hand, gun in my hand. In all my life I never had a gun in my hand – smooth gun, hard gun, cold gun in my hand. Bullet won’t be cold – warm bullet, hot bullet, burning hot, hot as the blood – no, can’t think of that. He lays the weapon down. Reaches for the radio. EMR, EMR … yes, that’s it — episode 304. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & MYRON
YOUR SPECIAL GUEST: GARRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE

Wayfaring Warrior soul, still wild.
_The Archer stands, arrow 
_measured to the goal, sing of
_strong and living man. In his mind
_
there is a vision wand’ring through
_the forest town. Telling of riches

_only given if through the woods
_the way is found.

EM NEWS
– All Beef Paddy Wagon
– Social Lesson Goes Off-Roading

– Slippery Seats After Strip Club

– The Girl On The Bus

– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Hollywood Diversity Has Its Limits

– Voting Rights Revoked!
– Cinema PaulieDiso on two wheels
– Marshall, Bono, Green Day, Murray

– The Mentaltainment Ticker
– Birthdays, What We Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Where Jerry Actually Is
– Paulie talks about “A Last Hurrah” phase one

– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #303 (10-28-2016) The Big Halloween Show

Halloween is upon us. A night of ghosts n’ goblins, witches n’ spooks, mayhem n’ madness. But, also a night of sanity – a night of EMR.  Won’t you take EMR with you this Halloween? Share in the non-acceptance of utter stupidity with us. Tell a friend. Enjoy number three-zero-three, The Big EMR Halloween Show! And….BOO!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & MYRON
YOUR SPECIAL GUEST: GARRY
YOUR ANALOG KID: JERRY

Kept on changin’ clothes in dirty old
_phone booths ’til his work was 
_through. Had nothin’ to do but go
_on home. Superman never made
_
any money, savin’ the world from
_Solomon Grundy. And sometimes I

_despair, the world will never see
_another man like him.

EM NEWS
– Stealing Party Favors
– Mayor vs Mayor

– Burglar Jumps Out of Woman’s Bush
_With Chainsaw
– The Great Takeout Burglar of Rice
_Park
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Emojis Hang With The Classics

– Could Gehry Fuck Up A Sunset?
– Otis, Cruise, Abba, Burns

– The Mentaltainment Ticker
– Birthdays, What We Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Minnesota Vice (a Halloween brew)
– Analog Head-Trip
– The Goofy Halloween Candy Quiz Thing
– The vintage Skeleton Dance (on our FB page)
– So much more, your head will spin!


mycustomessaywriters.org

eMpTy Minds Radio #302 (10-21-2016)

Stay tuned for an interesting and bizarre show tonight, kids. See, episode three-zero-two has all of the makings of a regular EMR episode. But…and this is a big but, we also have the world famous Clamboy sitting in with us tonight and the fantastically entertaining Lydia as well. It’s one hell of a cool thing.  Check it out and enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & MYRON
YOUR ANALOG KID: JERRY
YOUR SPECIAL GUEST: CLAMBOY

Seldom seen – a Scarecrow’s Dream.
_I hang in the hopes of replacement.
_Castles tall, I built them all, but I
_dream that I’m trapped in the
_
basement. And if you ever hear me
_calling out. And if you’ve been by

_paupers crowned. Between the
_worlds of men and make-believe
_I can be found.

EM NEWS
– High man steals real pet from fake
_fire
– The Killer Among Us

– Drive Thru Made Me McSleepy

– Burglars Make Real Slick Getaway

– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– John Cleese Sums Up Six Seasons of Walking Dead (video on our FB page)

– Slipper Preservation Activated
– Actors Doing Make-Believe
– SPECIAL – Cinema ClammyDiso
– Janney, Lloyd, Shearer, Bowie

– The Mentaltainment Ticker
– Birthdays, What We Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Minnesota Vice + Lollipops
– Analog Head-Trip

– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #301 (10-14-2016)

Ladies and gentlemen, the element of suspense is so vital to our story tonight, that our sponsors, the makers of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer, are omitting their usual commercial message during the intermission between the acts so that our play will go uninterrupted from spooky start to spooky finish. Therefore, let’s give Ken Roberts his forty-five second opportunity right now to extol the merits of that blended, splendid, eh, Ken? Who…who the fuck is Ken Roberts? This is EMR, damnit. Pabst is NOT our sponsor, and we promise no less than three entertaining commercial interruptions. This is three-zero-one, kids. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & MYRON
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE

Laundry day. See you there. 
_Under things tum-b-ling. Wanna
_say “love your hair.” Here I go
_mum-b-ling. With my freeze ray
_
I will stop – the world. With my
_
freeze ray, I will find the time 
_to find the words to tell you how.
_How you make. Make me feel.

EM NEWS
– Ex-Cited!
– Kids These Days!

– Bad BBQ

– Defender of Lawn Ornaments

– Clown Lives Matter
– An Assault On The Dead
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Thrifty Shopper & Prez Have A Sit Down

– Cumcrust At It Again
– WB Research Expansion
– Cinema PaulieDiso pulls the trigger
– Bernard, Craig, Cranston, Kingsley

– The Mentaltainment Ticker
– Birthdays, What We Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Jim Rockford’s Answering Machine
– Always check our FB page for pics & the Video 4 Audio Goodbye

– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #300 – The Big Show (10-07-2016)

In November it will be six years of EMR, but tonight we celebrate another landmark — 300 episodes. We don’t have the exact stats in front of us, but that’s roughly 650 hours of show under our belts. We’re proud and we’re not afraid to say so. Enjoy tonight’s awesome, special episode and we will see you for another 300!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & MYRON
YOUR GNUs MAN: GARRY
YOUR TECHMASTER 5K: JERRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE

The League of Evil said I’d miss
_you. The Guild of Demons tried
_to call. Dr. Hatred told me I was
_the one who had influenced 
_them all. But I would not return
_the message, still they would
_not take a hint. No more 
_planning, no more conniving.
_I said I’m done with all of this.

EM NEWS
– Salem Bad Mother Trials
– Kroaky Is A Terrifying Young Girl

– Huricane Walmart Octagon

– I Swear I’ll Beat Your Ass

– Love And A Fireplace Poker
– This Art Stinks!
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Hollywood Drug Fakery

– Saturday Night Shakes
– Cinema PaulieDiso knows what’s behind the curtain
– Jackman, Paisley, Moniz, Temperton
– Analog Head-Trip has a hell of an appetite
– The Mentaltainment Ticker
– Birthdays, What We Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Minnesota Vice
– EMR Stats & Trivia
– The Sexy Japanese Girl On A Giant Calculator
– Ask Wesley Willis For Advice
– A call from our old pal Daryl in Beaverdale, PA

– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #299 (09-30-2016)

Three hundred and twenty-five days out of the year moonlight to me is just the reflected light of the sun, a light interesting only in that it may be analysed spectroscopically. But these thirty days of our vacation, Diane, what a magical change! It’s a soft, lovers’ moon…hanging in the heavens only to brighten your loveliness.  None of that and more on this episode — 299 — of EMR.  Enjoy!

YOUR HOST: TOM & MYRON
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: JERRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE

I hardly ever sing beer drinking
_songs. I can’t put much feeling
_in saying love is all gone wrong.
_I don’t lose no sleep at night, 
_cause things with you are going
_right. And I hardly ever sing
_beer drinking songs.

EM NEWS
– Put Your Hands In The Air, Again
– Dickhead Milks The Elderly

– What The Fuck?!

– Judge Halts Insanity After Zero
_Hour
– Zip It!
– You Don’t Kill You, We Kill You
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Model Paintings or Paintings of
_Models?
– AMC, The Fucksticks of Anti-Trust
– Cinema PaulieDiso…so mysterious
– Saleem, Galifianakis, Texas reading

– The Mentaltainment Ticker
– Birthdays, What We Watched +
_tons more

ETCETERA
– New Feature – Analog Head-Trip
– A Fuck Off! Rant
– Pictures we reference (all on FB)
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #298

Tupac Amaru … remember my name. Somewhere in a field in Peru a naked skull lies white in the sun and does not remember. The socket is empty where once my eye was living and warm and saw the things I have to tell. Do not pity me. Pity only those who are not dead and suffer still. Or, if you must, pity the cruel men who did to me and to my wife and to my children what cruel men do today in other lands. I shall tell you my story and you shall judge it. Enjoy EMR episode numeral two-ninety-eight!

YOUR HOST: TOM & MYRON
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE

All I wanna do is drink beer for
_breakfast. All I wanna eat is
_them barbecue chips. All I 
_want is someone to just try 
_and protect us. You can try,
_but never wanna try and 

_defect us. I telling you I am
_through. Mama’s baby boy is

_a bum.

EM NEWS
– Put Your Hands In The Air
– The Disrobing At The Gate

– Changing Room Freak

Take A Knee

– Kid Scene Investigation
– Checking Up On The Neighbors
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– A Master Takes A Night Train To
_The Big Adios
– Whedon Gets Social For A Cause
– Cinema PaulieDiso dusts your crops
– Tussaud’s, Judge, Scott

– The Mentaltainment Ticker
– Birthdays, What We Watched +
_tons more

ETCETERA
– An impromptu MN Vice
– Odd Assorted Trivial Strangeness
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #297 (09-16-2016)

The story of my journey to Yellowstone National Park began with the coach of the Yellowstone Stage Line pulling into the town of Shoshone, midway point between Bear Claw and the National Park. Beside myself, the coach carried a Mr. and Mrs. Willis of Baltimore and a thin, young man of about 25, whose name was Black. As the driver pulled up in front of the Shoshone Hotel. A group of men came forward to meet us. One of them wearing an EMR t-shirt. Jerry’s the name, he said, as he firmly shook my hand. This here’s Episode, and finally we have Two-Ninety-Seven. Immediately following the introduction, I couldn’t recall the first fella’s name, but I couldn’t forget that t-shirt.  So, I remembered the trio as EMR Episode Two-Ninety-Seven. Enjoy!

YOUR HOST: TOM & MYRON
YOUR TECHMASTER 5K: JERRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE

Warm beer and cold women, I
_just don’t fit in. Every joint I
_stumbled into tonight, that’s
_just how its been. All these
_double-knit strangers with Gin
_and Vermouth and recycled

_stories – in the naugahyde
_
booths, with the platinum
_blondes and tobacco
_brunettes.

EM NEWS
– Tie The Fucker Down!
– Concert Promotion Not Sexy

– The Pimpin’ Vet

Feel The Burn

– Embezzling MILF
– Cop Killed…By Self
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– The Day The Music Didn’t Die

– Censorship Fucktards
– Cinema PaulieDiso ponders life
– Arquette, Cali, Scorsese

– The Mentaltainment Ticker
– Birthdays, What We Watched +
_tons more

ETCETERA
– Techin’ It Up The Ass
– Another Film Trivia Quiz Thingy
– So much more, your head will spin!


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eMpTy Minds Radio #296 (09-09-2016)

Ting. Ting. Ting. The raindrops knockin’ on the metal roof across the way stirred him awake. Jimmy sat up. It was a hot one – the mercury hadn’t been south of ninety-five all day, and the darkness wasn’t correcting the situation. Sweat rolled over his forehead, down his nose. He licked the salty dribble off of his upper lip. THWIP! The roll shade blew it’s gasket and sprung wide open, and his face was illuminated in a ghostly glow from the sizzling red neon lettering above the metal roof. W-E-M-R. All day, all night – radio done right.  Enjoy episode 296!

YOUR HOST: TOM & MYRON
YOUR GNUs MAN: GARRY
YOUR TECHMASTER 5K: JERRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE

I like beer ’cause it is good. I
_drink beer because I should. If 
_there was a song to sing, I sing 
_it and beer you bring. I drink
_beer when I am sad, ’cause the
_beer it makes me glad. Now

_there’s nothing left to say. So,
_let’s go drink beer.

EM NEWS
– Angry Girlfriend Sets Fire To
_Wrong Car
– Crazy Robbery Ends In Hazzard

– Woman Dies of Corndog
_Inhalation
One Bottle, Several Shots

– Trees Cause Crime
– Scamee Extraordinaire
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Lost Doctor Resurrected 

– For The Record (Vinyl’s Rise)
– A special Cinema PaulieDiso
– Hostetter, UHF, Biel

– The Mentaltainment Ticker
– Birthdays, What We Watched +
_tons more

ETCETERA
– Jerry’s Happy Note x2
– Ten Laughable TV Ad Products
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #295 (09-02-2016)

The “Harbor Lights!” Once again we go aboard the old New York ferry-boat, to meet white-haired Captain Jimmy Norton and his young friend Joe, and hear another of the captain’s famous stories of the days of the clipper-ships and high adventure. But first this…

YOUR HOST: TOM & MYRON
YOUR GNUs MAN: GARRY

Walked in the pub, ordered a 
_pint. Put it on the table. Oh,
_Oh, Oh, Oh. Put it on the 
_table, sat alone for an hour or
_more. Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, poor 
_Mabel. Who spilt my beer? Who 

_spilt my beer? I’m asking you to
_tell the truth. Who spilt my

_beer?

EM NEWS
– Have Cheetohs, Will Burn
– Hauling Shit For Shitheads

– Good Side of A Bad Girl

Car Tipping, Dudes!

– Obama Nearly Kills Everyone
_In Ohio – Part Four
– City vs Tiny House Dweller
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Chris Brown, Victim. Shyeah…As If

– They Are Done With “The Beat”
– Johnson, Wilder, Garcetti

– The Mentaltainment Ticker
– Birthdays, What We Watched +
_tons more

ETCETERA
– The GMGT Super Quiz
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #294 (08-26-2016)

My experiences started in the University of Manchester where I was studying natural history. It was after class May 22nd 18 hundred and 18, that professor Waldman, my close dear friend Henry Claval, and myself were in the laboratory of the university.  The old shelf radio, next to the rusted push window on the far side of the room crackled to life. In later years, I would question how three men of science found it strange that a radio should turn itself on without the aid of a human hand, but not odd that there be a radio in our lab in the year 1818. We, collectively, sat on our stools staring at the sad piece of bakelite that was speaking to us. The man inside the small box informed us it was EMR. We listened in amazement. This is episode 294, kids. Enjoy!

YOUR HOST: TOM & MYRON
YOUR GNUs MAN: GARRY
YOUR GNUs MAN: JERRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE

and I’m dreaming of a place
_where I could see your face.
_And I think my brush would
_take me there. But only…
_If I were a painter and could
_paint a memory, I’d climb 

_inside the swirling skies to be
_with you. I’d climb inside the

_skies, to be with you
.

EM NEWS
– Advanced Degree In Bullshit
– Suburban Mexican Drug Running

– Going Back To Crack

A Mental Blockade

– Pedophile Smokescreen
– Holy Shit – A Phone!
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Reboot My Balls!
– Dexter At Ten
– Cinema PaulieDiso…choosing sides
– Lawrence, Hill, Odenkirk, Martin

– The Mentaltainment Ticker
– Birthdays, What We Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Techin’ It Up The Ass
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #293 (08-19-2016)

Shortly after two a. m., a poker game had just broken up at Ben Kamsley’s, the doctor-coroner of Deerwood City. Scott Anderson, Deerwood’s chief of police and Wally Shane, his assistant were standing outside. Kamsely approached. “You boys catch EMR last night?”, he asked wryly. Anderson, not missing a beat “Of course. What do you think we are? Luddites?” The two cackled as Wally Shane stood befuddled. Anderson and Kamsley looked at him sternly. “What’s EMR?”, Shane inquired sheepishly.  The two broke into laughter. Don’t be a Wally Shane. Enjoy some EMR today!

YOUR HOST: TOM & MYRON
YOUR GNUs MAN: GARRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE

…and those that lack the
_passion I have may despise it. 
_But my momma made me this
_way, I thank her every day.
_So, tell them kids to keep 
_
colorin’ outside the lines until
_they lose they limitations and
_they minds is free. Tell them
_teachers that you want your
_money back this time. And
_tell Bob Ross – thanks for all the
_happy little trees.

EM NEWS
– 9-1-1 To Nowhere
– Old Asshole Apparently Cool With Rape

– Trump African Tourist Bureau

Fuck It! I’ll Be There!

– Cake Boss
– The Park Ain’t For Sale
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Prince Al Rogers Nelsovic
– And, In Stark Contrast…
– Cinema PaulieDiso…one afternoon, in the city
– Baker, Die Antwoord, Rush, Hiller

– The Mentaltainment Ticker
– Birthdays, What We Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– So There You Fucking Are Quiz
– Paulie kicks us a UCLA Kick-Off Quiz
– Garry’s “Drink Up!”
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #292 (08-12-2016)

Last night everything was routine until I saw her again. We were just winding up the third set when she came in, flanked by the same deadpan gunsel. She sat alone at the same table, ordered the same drink, smoked the same Egyptian deities, Gave me that same loving look. The gunsel as usual nibbled at his drink at the bar, his eyes playing watchdog for the girl. This was the fifth night, four nights running, same girl, same gunsel, same routine. Sit for five solid hours, drink, smoke and work me over with her eyes. Reach down deep for a sigh, and leave with Dead pan right behind her. Well, I didn’t like it. I was beginning to taste salt on my tongue. We went into a finish and the girl looked once at the gunsel, he nodded and started to the stand. Wait. Hold that thought. It’s time for a little EMR. A little EMR we like to call episode two-ninety-two. Enjoy!

YOUR HOST: TOM & PAULIE
YOUR TECHMASTER 5K: JERRY

He made it look so easy. Patting
_a brush on some canvas, and
_suddenly there was a mountain.

_Then a lake and trees, while 
_mine always came out looking
_like stains. But if I remember
_anything from the end of each 
_show, it was his soft voice 
_reminding us all “there are no
_mistakes, only happy
_accidents.

EM NEWS
– Idiot Armed With Movie Weapons
– The Big Sellout

– Hey Sexy, That Gun Looks Real

Dam Leg!

– City Not Cool With Dumpster Pool
– The Boy Who Cried Gun
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– DC Idiots Don’t Understand Simple Ratings System
– Intelligentisa Loves Real Shit
– Cinema PaulieDiso…the Big P, Hollywood Paulie
– Cardboard Arnold, Huddleston, Mirren, Martin

– The Mentaltainment Ticker
– Birthdays, What We Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Jerry’s Happy Note x 3
– Strange Origins
– Minnesota Vice (from Clown Shoes)
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #291 (08-05-2016)

Now there’s a fine start for a cozy dinner in Lafayette. It could only happen to Candy Matson, San-Francisco’s well known private investigator. Whether she’s at home in her penthouse on Telegraph Hill, or at the races in Albany, it makes no difference. Trouble always seems to pop up its dangerous head. And this was no exception. A quiet afternoon, watching the wrong horses finish in the right positions, then driving along a road on top of Berkeley’s skyline–and out of the dusk, a man’s cry for help. That cry led to a maze of events that would have done justice to an Alfred Hitchcock movie. Want to hear what developed after the man called for help? If you answered yes, sadly, you will have to get that information elsewhere. This here is EMR. The All Out Assault On Stupidity & Bullshit. Number 291. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & MYRON
YOUR GNUs MAN: GARRY
YOUR TECHMASTER 5K: JERRY
YOUR CINEMTATIC TITANIC: PAULIE

I believe, I believe everyday’s
_a good day when you paint.
_I believe, I believe it’ll bring

_a lot of good thoughts to your
_heart. Let’s build a happy 
_little cloud, let’s build some
_happy little trees. There 
_are no limits here. You start
_off by believing here.

EM NEWS
– Dogs Drive Into Walmart
– Ox Tipping

– Burglar Dies After Being 
Caught On Tape
Super Limited Hero Saves Day

– Gun Hero Saves Universe From Liberal Snapchat Obama
– Idiot Assholes Video’d A Beating
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Tomlin To Receive Big Prize
– LA Pilot Production Blues
– Cinema PaulieDiso…and friends
– Buscemi, Douglas, Malek, Osbourne

– The Mentaltainment Ticker
– Birthdays, What We Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Techin’ It Up The Ass
– A round of the Name That Sound Quiz

– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #290 (07-29-2016)

At ten o’clock, the sun came out from behind the rain. The house stood alone on a street where all the other houses were rubble and ashes. At night, the ruined town gave off a radioactive glow which could be seen for miles. At ten-fifteen, the garden sprinkler filled the soft morning air with golden fountains. The water tinkled over the charred west side of the house — the side which had been facing the blast. It was black, except in five places. One of the five places was a silhouette of a man mowing a lawn, just as he’d been the instant the radioactivity burned his image into the side of the house. Over there, a woman bent to pick flowers. Through the window — a crack in the curtains, a small recording studio is visible.  A sign on the wall reads: “The All Out Assault On Stupidity & Bullshit!” Welcome to episode two-nine-zero. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & MYRON
YOUR GNUs MAN: GARRY
YOUR CINEMTATIC TITANIC: PAULIE

I met her out west pumpin’
_diesel, in a town where the 
_sand meets the sea. She was

_leather and snaps, and an 
_old baseball cap, she stole 
_the wild heart from me. So,
_take all your debutante 
_princesses fair, spendid in
_diamonds and pearls. I’d
_trade ’em all in for a kiss on
_the wind, from the lips of
_a gas station girl.

EM NEWS
– Meghan Olson Is Not A Racist
– Pond Scum of Woodbury

– Ryan Bundy Is An Idiot

– Getting Busy On Duty

– Parking Lot Daredevil
_Accused of Having Rock
– Asshole!
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Just Another Guy In A Red Jumpsuit
– …Nothing Like A Day Out On The Beach
– Cinema PaulieDiso shows its eccentric side
– Springfield, Knotts, Reedus, Dre

– The Mentaltainment Ticker
– Birthdays, What We Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Chuck Norris Jokes Re-Written
– Shadow River concert pics (on our FB page)

– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #289 (07-22-2016)

Wally Kent was the only person there who did not fear the old man. He even admitted to himself that he liked him in a strange sort of way. And that was good, especially as the Sloanes were inclined to be clannish, and Wally intended to propose to Natalie — if he could find her. After having looked everywhere else for her, he finally decided to try Mr. Sloane’s room. Perhaps she had been closeted with her uncle. You definitely will not find out what happened to Natalie on this episode of EMR.  It’s 288, kids. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & MYRON
YOUR GNUs MAN: GARRY

Give me coffee, king-sized
_cup. Come on, Kitty Cat,
_fill her up. What’s your 

_name, Little Buttercup?
_That’s for me to know, and
_you to make up. Love
_casinos, Indian reservations,
_But, Baby, if you love me –
_take me to the gas station.
_Gas station.

EM NEWS
– Pizza Robber Shits Pants
– The Land of 7,000 usable lakes

– Up Your Skirt, Georgia!

– Jesus’ Creepy Ad Campaign

– It’s For Your Own Good
– Nanny Finds Out Woodbury
_Really Is Hell
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Drumpf Not Listening To The Queen
– A Moment For Marshall
– Kaylan, Williams, Jagger, Nelson

– The Mentaltainment Ticker
– Birthdays, What We Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– MN Vice (sampling + news)
– Martha provides us with an EM News Rant
– Touchtone Terrorists’ classic Blade bit “You are the trash!”
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #288 (07-15-2016)

We speak our story, yet who can hear it? There is no understanding here in this darkness – only the pain of endless searching — searching for the unknowable. Confusion in our minds – yet once we were men who knew a world of reality, a world of sun and brightness, a world of city streets and people and quickly moving autos, and women, and theaters, and laughing children. A world…a living world! But suddenly, somehow, that world has gone from us and we were doomed to this. Let us tell you just what happened. It’s episode two-eighty-eight. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & MYRON03 - POV-Gas-Pinup
YOUR TECHMASTER 5K: JERRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE

This song here might offend 
_you some. If it does, it’s 
_because you’re dumb. That’s

_the way it is where I come 
_from. If you’ve been there
_too, let me see your thumb.
_Show me your thumb if
_you’re dumb. You oughta
_know now, all your edu-
_cation won’t help you no-
_how. You’re gonna wind up
_workin’ in a gas station.

EM NEWS
– In The K Hole
– Cooped Up Hooker

– Batshit Crazy

– Shoot First, Eat Garbage Later

– Home Invasion
– The Necklace Fucking Master
– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Cinema PaulieDiso notices some similarities
– Die Hard Helmer Despises Modern Hero Pics
– The Relevant Inheritance
– Murray, Estrada, Mutants

– The Mentaltainment Ticker
– Birthdays, What We Watched +
_tons more

ETCETERA
– More leftover beers for us tonight
– Techin’ It Up The Ass
– Jerry challenges us to a round of “Working Title”
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #287 (07-08-2016)

Can we ask you something? How would you like to have a beautiful bronze Medal of Membership to show that you’re a special friend of EMR’s and bona fide member of our new 2016 Bullshit Patrol? A medal that entitles you to take part in a great adventure and get lots of free gifts and prizes. A medal you’ll be so proud to show your friends that you’ll want to carry it with you wherever you go. It’s made with heavy bronze with raised letters and pictures on the front and back. Just like on a real Medal of Honor. It has a swell picture of Jerry and also of our good friend, Clamboy. There’s also a mystic radio clock face on it and also the mysterious new secret password of the 2016 Bullshit Patrol. A password that’s the key to greater mysteries that are still to come. There isn’t such a medallion in existence, but wouldn’t you like to have one?  Enjoy episode two-eighty-seven!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & MYRON
YOUR GNUs MAN: GARRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE

Mobile station where I stand,
_this old gas pump in my hand.
_The boss don’t like me, face

_like a weasel. All on my 
_hands, the smell of diesel.
_Here comes the big shot,
_here he comes. From the
_city. God damn! A V-8
_engine, she runs so pretty.

EM NEWS
– Fucking Mannequin!
– Saints Steal Fireworks

– Gas Fire Is Just Dandy

– People In This Town, Can’t
_Fucking Drive
– Don’t Tell Mom, The Baby-
_Sittter’s Drunk

– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Cinema PaulieDiso considers that a
_divorce
– The Ramones Take The Stage
– 100 Years of Kirk
– Ramone, Kiarostami, Lucas, Captain

– The Mentaltainment Ticker
– Birthdays, What We Watched +
_tons more

ETCETERA
– Tonight we are drinking a vast selection of Garry’s left over beers
– A long discussion on the local Philandro Castile shooting
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #286 (07-01-2016)

Good evening, folks, this is the voice of EMR. We are happy to announce that this broadcast is being made available to the entire world via this technological marvel known as the World Wide Web. You know, an old proverb that we just thought of, says if you want a whiter wash well done just leave it to Rinso. And how true that is. Why, those quick acting Rinso suds are tough as nails on dirt and grime, yet safe for washable colors. And with Rinso, you can hustle through a load of clothes with as little as a five-minute run in your washer. How’s that for saving your clothes and easing up on your trusty machine? That washer’s got to last for the duration you know. If we were you we’d have it checked right now by a reliable dealer. And we’d certainly get the new anti-sneeze Rinso tomorrow! And now, episode two-eighty-six. Enjoy!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & PAULIE
YOUR GNUs MAN: GARRY
YOUR TECHMASTER 5K: JERRY
YOUR SPECIAL GUEST: MARTHA

Free-wheeling down the hill,
_chuck-a-bang, out of fuel.
_Referring quickly to my map,

_a gas pump is what I need.
_Right at the bottom of the
_hill appears a grand and
_wacky garage flying a flag,
_and sign – fill up here, folks
_your last chance.

EM NEWS
– The U.N. Is Finally Invading, Maybe
– Gillespie’s Record Records

– Tony Robbins’ Fans Are On Fire

– Asshole Who Hurts Dogs — Busted
– Out of The Oven, Into The Fridge
– Med-Weed Today

– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Cinema PaulieDiso Dives In
– Skyscraper, Glass Slide, Earthquakes…What Could Go Wrong?
– Dirty Pool In The Movie Biz
– Worrell, Miller, Daly, Ipal’e

– The Mentaltainment Ticker
– Birthdays, What We Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Tonight we are drinking a vast selection of Garry’s left over beers
– Techin’ It Up The Ass
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #285 (06-24-2016)

Through all the years of man’s existence, no matter what he has learned or has been taught from generation to generation, he carries in the innermost depths of his mind a certain fear of the darkness. A fear of the night which is somehow associated with death and in actuality is the fear of death itself. Each of us in our lifetime will probably come into contact with some psychic phenomenon, either directly or indirectly through the experience of a relative or an acquaintance. An experience never to be forgotten, and about such an experience is EMR. Let’s do this together, shall we? Welcome to episode two-eighty-five

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & MYRON
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE

Walking back from your house –
_walking on the moon. Feet,
_they hardly touch the ground –

_walking on the moon. My feet
_don’t hardly make no sound –
_walking on, walking on the
_moon.

EM NEWS
– Pay Up, Asshole!
– How Many Fucking Foods Are There?

– Uber Fucked
– Guns For Gas, Cuz Duh!
– Suburban Running Man
– Cocksucking, Motherfucking, Piece of Shit!

– And a whole lot more

MENTALTAINMENT
– Cinema PaulieDiso show us how its done
– The Wolf Defends Wall Street
– Turbulence!
– Two & A Half Regrets
– Yelchin, Dreadful, Roth, Saldana

– The Mentaltainment Ticker — denied
– Birthdays, What We Watched + tons more

ETCETERA
– Tonight we are drinking Bent Paddle Black Ale
– Who has the sign? We do, bitches
– So much more, your head will spin!

eMpTy Minds Radio #284 (06-17-2016)

Hey, EMR Family…here we are, just as we said we would be.  Are we in our beloved Golden Leaf HQ? No. If you missed it, the Leaf sadly closed its doors. We are now in our temporary home, on the lookout for better digs and having a hell of a time doing it. Hang in there, cuz we aren’t going anywhere.  Enjoy 284!

YOUR HOSTS: TOM & MYRON
YOUR GNUs MAN: GARRY
YOUR TECHMASTER 5K: JERRY
YOUR CINEMATIC TITANIC: PAULIE

Doctors want to check me,
_poke me and dissect me.
_What do they expect? 

_Feelings from a wind-up
_toy? I don’t think so. I’m
_just a wind-up toy. A 
_wind-up toy

EM NEWS
– Standing Around For Freedom
– Bad Plate Says State

– Abusive Women Expecting Leniency
– Robbery, Violence, Eventually
_Police…sort of